


fall back in love, eventually

by voidwillbyers



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Canon Divergence, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Explicit Language, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Post-Canon, Rating May Change, Slow Burn, TW: suicidal thoughts, but like they're not good at figuring that out, kinda smutty, like really slow burn, might get even smuttier idk yet, no beta baby, perhaps i'll find a plot along the way, some norting going on, some self-harm, there might be a fang kink and i'm not sorry, tw: depression, tw: some depictions of violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-03-09 23:07:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 132,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18926842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voidwillbyers/pseuds/voidwillbyers
Summary: “I never left you,” he choked out. “I was always there. You just didn’t want me anymore.”Lea stood there, towering over him, glaring down at him, someone he didn’t even recognize anymore. Isa was starting to fade too, his hands dissipating into wisps of black smoke and ashes swirling in the violent wind.“Who could ever want you, Isa?” Lea said. “After everything you’ve done?”Or, in which Isa struggles with nightmares and depression after all that's happened, and he's searching for a new normal.





	1. Just a Memory of All Before

**Author's Note:**

> > Can't help myself but count the flaws  
> Claw my way out through these walls  
> One temporary escape  
> Feel it start to permeate  
> We lie beneath the stars at night  
> Our hands gripping each other tight  
> You keep my secrets hope to die  
> Promises, swear them to the sky 
> 
> \- "Young Blood" by The Naked and Famous 

"Isa, come on! They're gonna catch us if we don't hurry up!"

"I know! I'm coming!"

The sky was a beautiful, crisp blue today, as it was most of the time in Radiant Garden. Vibrant flowers bloomed in every direction, and the chilly wind carried their sweet scent all across the town. It was approaching autumn, and still, the world looked alive and thriving, the people content and smiling as always. That was just the way it was under the rule of Ansem the Wise.

And while some people in town liked to remain blissfully ignorant and pretend that everything was okay, Isa and Lea knew better. They understood, to some extent, that not everything could be light, and though Radiant Garden appeared to be just that, they knew there had to be darkness lurking somewhere out of sight. And the castle was the one and only place that made sense to look. Where Ansem the Wise resided with his six apprentices, working on something they had not revealed to the public yet. Something they seemed incredibly keen to protect.

"Are you sure this is where we need to be going?" Lea asked, once Isa had caught up to him. He pressed himself against the stone wall behind him, shielded by a bush to any wandering eyes passing by. Isa kept close to him, breathing hard from the run. "Because if we get caught this time, I'm blaming you!"

Isa sighed, pushing some of his hair out of his eyes, and grinned up at his friend. "They won't believe you. I'm the quiet one. The quiet ones are always innocent."

Lea scoffed. "You're the one that's dangerous. It's the quiet ones you have to watch. Just because --"

"Shh!" Isa clapped a hand over Lea's mouth and moved even closer to him, trying to make sure that the two of them were completely out of sight. If they got caught at the castle snooping around one more time, they would be in huge trouble.

For a moment they stood there in silence, their breathing and the sound of their racing heartbeats seemingly deafening in the still afternoon air. Isa had sworn he'd heard voices and the large, thudding footsteps that could only signal the approach of Aeleus and Dilan, the castle's guards. Even worse would be if Braig caught them. It always seemed like he was way more thrilled to catch kids hanging out around the premises, more watchful for Lea and Isa than the others. Isa always had the distinct sense that he was up to something, just as the two of them were up to something as well, although his plots seemed far more malicious. And he always paid more attention to Isa, which made him deeply uncomfortable. His one good eye was usually studying him, as if he could see right through him to his very core, the very depths of his heart. It frightened him, but still, he couldn't resist the draw of the castle's secrets.

"I don't hear anything," Lea whispered. "Let's just --"

"Shh!"

Silence again. Isa let his gaze stray over to Lea's eyes, glinting in the light of the bright sun and vibrant from the thrill of trying to break into the castle. This was the fourth attempt this week. It would definitely work this time. It had to.

Isa leaned in closer, resting his chin on Lea's shoulder, allowing the other boy's deep red hair to brush against his skin. He closed his eyes for a brief second, sighing, wishing that he could stay here for a little while, just the two of them. His fingers twitched closer to Lea's, touching him slightly so that it might seem like just an accident. He wanted to hold his hand, but he couldn't bring himself to be the one to initiate it. The thought of being rejected or seeing some sort of horror or confusion on Lea's face made him nervous. Even more nervous than he already was, being this close to the castle with the threat of being caught at any second.

Lea chuckled a little, the vibration of it traveling through Isa's bones and warming him. "Can't get enough of me, huh?"

"What? No! That's not --" Isa immediately moved away from him. His voice rose just a little, defensive now. He felt heat rush to his cheeks. "I'm just standing really close to you to make sure they can't see us, okay? You're so obnoxious."

Lea smirked a little at him, and he reached out and took Isa's hand in his own, squeezing it tightly and pulling him close again. "I didn't say it bothered me."

Isa's heart slammed hard against his ribs, thinking for just a second that this was some horrible joke, but eventually he relaxed and managed a smile. His eyes trailed over Lea's face, very close to his own, and his gaze landed on his lips for the briefest moment as his heart leaped with longing and excitement, wanting nothing more than to kiss him. And for a second, he thought that that might be what would happen as Lea's expression softened a little and he leaned a little closer. His first kiss, the one he'd been waiting for, and with the only person he'd ever felt so close to. The only person he'd ever really wanted to kiss him.

His heart swelled as Lea got closer to him, his lips hovering just above his, close enough for him to close the gap, but he was frozen, afraid and enthralled --

"Promise me you won't leave me if something happens," Lea whispered, his breath hitting Isa's skin.

"Uh-huh," Isa replied with a nod. "Of course. Why would I?" It felt like there was something caught in his throat. The world blurred around him, and he felt so dizzy with nothing but the thought of _LeaLeaLeaLea_ dancing around in his mind. What were they even doing here? How did they end up here? Nothing else made sense or even mattered. He could only stare up into Lea's eyes and beg him silently to put an end to his misery and just kiss him.

But then something changed. Out of the corner of his vision, he noticed that the bright blue sky above them was starting to fade to a smoky gray, as if a terrible storm was rolling in. The bush, the flowers, the stone wall, the castle, everything around them was crumbling, slowly, like the world was tearing itself apart and trying to fade into nonexistence. Lea and Isa were the only ones standing, and even then, the ground below them was rumbling and trying to give way.

Something in Lea's eyes had changed. They were not sparkling with joy or amusement anymore, but rather, dark and cold and filled with what Isa could only describe as the utmost hatred and fury. He found himself backing away, nearly tripping and falling deep into the darkness swirling all around them now. What had he done? Surely this was not his fault, and yet, Lea glared at him as if it was. As if he had destroyed a whole world, brought it to ruin, and now he was dragging both of them down with it.

"I..." Isa started to say. The world was growing darker now, the wind picking up speed and slinging debris all around them.

"It's already happened," Lea said. It was not his voice. Or rather, it was his voice, but far deeper, more mature.

"W-what?"

"Something happened, and you left me. It's all your fault."

"I-it's not! I didn't do anything! I would never abandon you. Not ever."

"But you did. And you became a monster."

"I...no!" His heart hammered. There was dirt and the beginning of a light rainfall getting in his eyes. He wanted to cry, but he was so startled, so confused that he didn't think he could. Lea would never talk to him this way. _Never._

"You swore to me we'd always be there for each other, and you left."

In the middle of the storm, with the cobblestone sidewalk crumbling beneath their feet and the darkness threatening to swallow them whole, a single light seemed to shine. A dawn of realization. It was as if Isa, who was merely fifteen and stupid and confused, could see right into the future, and he understood. He understood what he had done, and there was nothing he could do to change it.

Tears stung his eyes, and he quickly swiped at them as a stone gave way and he stumbled, reaching out for Lea but just barely missing him. He was falling backward, scrambling and clawing for something to hold on to and eventually finding a loose stone.

"I never left you," he choked out. "I was always there. You just didn't want me anymore."

Lea stood there, towering over him, glowering down at him, someone he didn't even recognize anymore. Isa was starting to fade too, his hands dissipating into wisps of black smoke and ashes swirling in the violent wind.

"Who could ever want you, Isa?" Lea said. "After everything you've done?"

The words slammed into Isa so hard that he couldn't even concentrate on holding on anymore. He lost his grip, slipping, tumbling into a thick, heavy darkness that was blinding, suffocating --

He awoke violently, breathing hard and trying to hold back a scream that was trying to tear its way up his throat. He did not know where he was or how he had gotten there or really anything about what was going on other than the fact that he was alive and he probably should not be. He did not deserve to be, anyway.

 _It was just a dream,_ he assured himself, wiping his burning, teary eyes with hands that did not feel entirely his own. In fact, his whole body felt very strange. Different. For a moment, he had been trapped in some incorporeal form, stuck halfway between existence and nonexistence with nothing but his nightmares to keep him company, but now, here he was with a body again. A body that felt somehow heavier, but not necessarily in a bad way.

A heart. He knew without a doubt as he sat there in this oddly familiar place that he had gotten his heart back again, and it was overpowering him, becoming too much too fast. A tangled mess of emotions fought each other inside of him, things he thought he could not feel for so long that he could not quite put a name to them. This, though, this terrible emotion at the forefront of it all that was swallowing him whole was sadness. With lingering regret and guilt combining with it. He recognized the tears, the simultaneous heavy and hollow feeling in his chest, the way his hands shook and his throat closed up and all he could think was that it was never going to end, and he was going to drown in it. It was like all of the years of sadness that he could not feel, could not act on, were all coming at him at once, and he was not strong enough to stop them.

"Just a dream," he whispered to himself. He remembered that day very vividly, and it had not gone horribly wrong as it had in his dream. It had actually gone wonderfully right. They'd gotten caught again and kicked out of the castle grounds, but they'd only ended up laughing about it and deciding to try again in a few days. Then Lea had taken his hand and dragged him all the way downtown to get sea salt ice cream and watch the sunset while they planned for future break-ins.

Lea had kissed him that day, right as the sun was setting and he still had the salty sweet taste of ice cream on his lips, and Isa was so startled he wasn't even sure what to do. It was brief and clumsy and awkward, but he couldn't have asked for anything better.

And now he was left lying on the sidewalk of Radiant Garden, stuck with a bunch of emotions he didn't know how to process and a single word bouncing back and forth within his mind, growing louder and louder by the second: _monster._

This was the alleyway he and Lea always cut through when they wanted to avoid the traffic of town. There was no one here, and the sky above was growing dark as the last rays of sunlight dipped below the horizon. He hated how weak he felt, how alone and confused and utterly useless he was.

Most of all, he hated that through all of the thoughts and emotions he was trying to work out, the most prominent was wanting to see Lea. No, not just wanting. _Needing._ And yet, after all he'd done, he could not bring himself to do anything about it. He did not deserve Lea. He did not deserve to get another chance to explain himself and try to set things right. But the desire was so strong that he knew he would never be able to stay away forever.

Groaning, he slowly pulled himself up from the ground and clutched at his side, where a stabbing pain was racing through his bones. He was able to push past the sadness enough to get himself to move forward, toward the sounds of the town as it was winding down for the day, but tears still flowed from his eyes and blurred his vision. Crying was the worst. It always made him feel so small and weak. He wished that it would stop. He hated not having his strength.

"Isa? Is that you?"

He looked up, hand resting against the stone wall to hold himself up, and saw the familiar face of Scrooge McDuck looking up at him. He hadn't seen anyone from Radiant Garden in so long that he wasn't even sure any of them would recognize him, but he found that he was grateful the old duck did.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

Isa sighed, thinking for a second, and shook his head. What he needed could not really be given freely here. What he needed was to find Lea and hope that somewhere along the way, he could find forgiveness and understanding as well. The thought made him feel even lonelier, though. Would it be worse to just go on and try to avoid his old friend for the rest of their lives, or to try to rekindle everything only to be turned away?

He had to at least make an attempt. However, gathering enough courage to do so was a different story.

"You look like you could use some rest. It's been a while. Here, why don't you take this? On the house, but don't expect that all the time. And here's one for your friend, too. If you're here, I assume he's around here somewhere."

Isa stared as Scrooge McDuck handed over two sea salt ice creams to him, just as if he was fifteen years old again and the worst thing he'd ever done was fail a test. He hadn't ever broken into a top secret research facility or let a bunch of people manipulate the darkness that resided in his heart. It was just a normal day in Radiant Garden, and everything was fine.

But he felt nothing except grief and despair. The strongest, most terrible feeling he had ever experienced. A pain so great he thought he might as well be dead rather than dealing with this.

"He's not --" he started to say, but then thought better of it. His heart was aching more and more each second. "Thank you." He took the sea salt ice creams, though he had no appetite at the moment, and decided to just let it all be. He did not know what he was going to do with them or where he was going to go, but he knew he could not stay here, looking into a familiar face that would not shame him for what he had done, did not know the trouble he had caused or the pain he had been through.

"Always a pleasure!" Scrooge McDuck exclaimed joyfully, although he looked as if he was second guessing giving product away now. "Tell Lea I said hello."

"Of course."

Isa roamed the nearly empty streets alone, keeping to the shadows to avoid any people from his past who might want to speak to him. They would surely ask about Lea, and Lea was not here. He would be able to feel it if he was. He was most likely in Twilight Town, sitting on top of the clocktower with Roxas and Xion and talking about nothing and everything, but never giving a second thought to him. They had said their goodbyes. Perhaps it would not be such a good idea to reopen old wounds.

He walked without purpose through town, clutching the sticks on the ice cream and letting the sticky substance melt onto his hands and down his arms without care. His mind felt like a blank canvas, filled with so many troubling thoughts that it had shut down, and all he felt was numbness. His memories, buried deep inside of him, carried him to where he needed to go, and just as the sun was saying its final farewell for the day, he happened upon his and Lea's usual spot, the low wall near the castle where they sat on the ledge on countless occasions, watching the sun dip below the horizon and the stars come out to dance across the night sky.

This is where he sat, legs dangling over the side as he stared up at the crescent moon and felt his heart grow heavier with remorse. He set one of the ice cream bars next to him and watched it drip down the wall in a sort of sad, hopeless way, as if it had been completely neglected, and he took his first bite of his own ice cream, only to find that it was tasteless and left him feeling sick.

He wanted Lea next to him, making stupid comments that made him smile and roll his eyes and pretend like he was so annoyed, when really he was falling deeper in love with someone who could learn to live without him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered to no one in particular. Perhaps he hoped that the words somehow reached Lea's heart, wherever he was, but he knew that wasn't possible. Their hearts were not connected anymore. There was a deep chasm separating them, and he wasn't sure he could make the jump to the other side so they could be together again.

But he knew that despite the fear, the anxiety, the regret that he felt so strongly inside, he had to try. Even if Lea said he never wanted to see him again.


	2. Want to Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > I'm getting more of what I've always wanted  
> But becoming less of who I've ever been  
> Cause I promised myself I'd never never hurt you and I did  
> If you can't trust a liar, how can you trust me again?  
> I'm running out of ways to say I'm sorry 
> 
> \- "Dial Tones," As It Is
> 
> Warning: Suicidal thoughts

THE FIRST DAY

He wandered through Twilight Town on his own, not entirely sure where he was going but trying to follow the flow of the crowd. The town wasn’t completely unfamiliar to him, but he had only been here a few times and did not know it the way he knew Radiant Garden. The clock tower was easy enough to find, but it was not sunset, and he was almost hoping that he could happen upon Lea by complete accident. That way, he would stop feeling such fear and dread about the situation and just get it over with.

But he didn’t. Instead, he wandered until his heart grew weary, and he returned to Radiant Garden before sunset. He found his feet carrying him toward Scrooge’s place again, and he bought a single sea salt ice cream and went straight back to his and Lea’s place on the wall. The sunset was beautiful today, a deep, bright red that reminded him of Lea’s hair, slowly falling away into the dark blue of night.

Day and night. Sun and moon. Light and dark. Lea and Isa. Two halves of a whole, perfectly complementary, bringing out the best in one another. One could not exist without the other.

That’s what he used to think. But now, he was certain Lea was perfectly happy existing without him.

THE SECOND DAY

He stayed until sunset. The day passed by slowly, and he almost lost the nerve to go. It occurred to him that perhaps he should buy some ice cream for everyone before going up to the clock tower, and then the thought of everyone made him anxious. Lea might give him another chance, but Roxas and Xion? He couldn’t imagine that either of them would want to see him, and he certainly couldn’t say he blamed them. He’d been a nightmare to them, and for what reason? Because he was jealous? He had always been insecure, clingy even, afraid that Lea would leave him. And he did. Or perhaps it was Isa who left him. Either way, it was not Lea’s fault. It never was.

He watched as three teenagers rushed past him in the direction of the clock tower, laughing and chasing after one another as if they were playing tag, and they disappeared through the doors of the station. A minute or so later, they appeared at the top of the clock tower, and then more figures started to show up. Familiar figures. A young boy. A young girl.

And Lea.

They sat together in a row, and though he could not really tell what they were doing, he knew that they were happy. He shouldn’t intrude on that. He could just imagine watching their faces fall as he emerged onto the clock tower to join them.

So he ducked back into the shadows, losing his nerve once again and returning to Radiant Garden feeling confused and hopeless and unfulfilled. He tried to work out an apology in his mind, but it just seemed like there was nothing he could say to make things okay.

He repeated the same routine as the day before.

THE THIRD DAY

_“Lea, get off of me! I’m trying to finish my homework!”_

_“You gonna let me copy it?”_

_“You’re so lazy.”_

_Lea chuckled a little bit and did not move away from him. He was pressed up against Isa with hardly any wiggle room between the two of them, his chin resting on Isa’s shoulder as he played with his hair and watched him scribbling away vigorously on an assignment he couldn’t care less about. It was late, and Isa was working by the light of the moon and the stars._

_“Look!” Lea exclaimed, and Isa stopped for just a brief moment to look up at him. He had some of Isa’s hair curled over his top lip into a mustache._

_“What are you doing?” Isa asked, rolling his eyes._

_“Trying to make you laugh. You’re so serious!”_

_Isa tried to keep a straight face, to let Lea know that he was all business right now, but he couldn’t help himself. He cracked a small smile and turned his head so he could look directly into his friend’s eyes._

_“Cute,” he said, without even thinking, and Lea immediately dropped his hair and moved away from him just slightly. He was flustered for just a moment, even more so than Isa, who felt his whole body heating up and wanting nothing more than to just crawl in a hole and die. His cheeks were on fire. He couldn’t believe he had said that._

_Lea was the first to recover from the initial shock. After a moment, he smirked and situated himself next to Isa again. “You think I’m cute?” he asked._

_Isa scowled. “I was being sarcastic.”_

_“Okay, sure. I know when you’re being sarcastic, and that’s not it.”_

_Isa frowned down at his hands, one holding his notebook in place, the other holding a pencil and shaking nervously. He suddenly did not feel like being a good student. It didn’t matter if he got a perfect score tomorrow. He set his things aside and drew his legs closer to him, resting his chin on his knees and watching Lea right next to him, looking up at the stars. The light reflecting in his eyes was beautiful. It made them look like a peaceful lake at noon, with the sun high in the sky and the world silent and still._

_“Hey Isa, do you ever worry that people might forget you?” He looked over at him suddenly, the joy that had been glimmering in his eyes suddenly melting to complete solemnity._

_“I…guess I never really thought about it.” That wasn’t entirely true. Of course he had thought about the possibility that he could just fade from existence, as if he had never been here to begin with. But it didn’t trouble him so much as it did Lea, he knew. So it was, the circle of life. People died. Things ended. And new things began. That was okay, wasn’t it?_

_Now he was feeling a little troubled. There would come a day when his name was never spoken again. One day, there would be no one else left who remembered him. He would not live on in anyone’s heart. But, he was logical. He knew that that’s how things worked. And for now, he was alive. And he was happy, sitting here with Lea, perfectly content with everything in their tiny world._

_“Doesn’t matter if other people forget us,” Isa said, “because I know I’ll never forget you, even if I try all the time.”_

_“Oh, thanks.”_

_Isa laughed a little. “And you’ll never forget me, right?”_

_“Of course I would never forget you!”_

_Isa nodded. “Good. So we live on in each other’s hearts.”_

_“That’s a good way to look at things.”_

_“Yeah.”_

_Lea smiled at him and rested his head against his shoulder. Isa reached out to hold his hand, then withdrew, thinking better of it. This was fine, just the two of them sitting underneath the stars and feeling entirely at peace in each other’s company._

He did not go to Twilight Town today. It was a bad day. He supposed he would have some of those now, some worse than others. He could hardly pull himself out of bed, plagued by all of the good memories and the friendship he had failed to hold on to.

Tomorrow would be better. He would try again. That’s all he could do.

THE FOURTH DAY

He got to the clock tower around noon after grabbing a sea salt ice cream, and he sat on the edge looking down at the bustling little town. He tried to keep an eye out for familiar faces, but all he saw were the three kids from two days ago, still running and playing with one another despite the crowd at the station. He didn’t know their names, but apparently they were friends of Lea, Roxas, and Xion.

A dark thought crossed his mind as he sat looking down at the people below. This could all be over. He had full control of that. It would be so easy for him to just let go, let his body fall from the top of this clock tower and let gravity take charge of his fate. There would be no one to mourn him. He thought he might be okay with that.

But he quickly shook off the thought. He had never had any trouble with depression or suicidal thoughts. It was just the darkness in his heart, the horrors he’d seen, the horrors he’d committed. Never letting go of him. He found himself standing up, tossing aside the half-eaten ice cream and balancing himself carefully on the thin edge of the clocktower. He wasn’t going to do it, he knew, but so easily, he could…

_“Isa! Get away from there! You’re gonna fall off!”_

_A warm hand grabbed his wrist, violently jerking him backward onto the wide stone wall outside of the castle. He landed with a hard thud, shaken up and confused as he looked around, blinking, and his gaze finally settled on Lea sitting next to him, watching him with wide eyes filled with concern._

_“I’m okay,” Isa said. “I was just playing around.”_

_“I know that, but still. We’re a little too young for me to be planning for your funeral, aren’t we? Besides, how stupid would that sound? I would have to tell everyone in town that you died because you couldn’t keep your balance and you fell off of a wall.”_

_“Aww, you kind of care about me.”_

_Lea shrugged and chuckled a little. “Yeah. Kind of.”_

He snapped back to reality just in time to notice that his foot was slipping. He managed to catch himself and avoid pitching himself off the edge, and with a heavy, hammering heart, he sat back down and drew his legs close to him. His eyes stung with tears, and he pressed himself up against the wall and sighed. He was so tired of crying. He was tired of feeling so hopeless and lost. It was time to start the healing process.

But not today. Tomorrow would be better. He was in no shape to take the first step toward mending his wounds. His nerves were shot, and as the sun slid further and further down toward the horizon, he knew he did not have the strength to look in Lea’s eyes. To feel the weight of his sins bearing down upon him as he stumbled over a weak and meaningless apology.

Tomorrow. He would do it tomorrow.

THE FIFTH DAY

Another bad day. He could not sleep at all through the night. The walls felt like they were closing in on him, and the same depressing thoughts from yesterday returned, keeping him down for the rest of the day.

The memories from inside the castle walls came back to him in painful, crashing waves. The bed felt like it was swallowing him.

THE SIXTH DAY

It was raining in Twilight Town. The streets were fairly empty, and he knew that if the storm didn’t let up, Lea and the others would not be at their usual spot on the clock tower at sunset. Still, he roamed through the downfall alone, trying to not think too hard for fear of sending himself into another spiral through the darkness. The water soaked through his clothes and clung to his skin, and his long hair hung in his eyes so that he could barely see. It didn’t matter. His feet were moving of their own accord, taking him where they thought he needed to go.

The storm did not stop. The town was so gray and dismal that by mid-afternoon, it seemed that all activity had ceased completely.

He returned to Radiant Garden, where there was not a hint of gray in the sky. For a moment he thought about going to the castle and trying to get inside, but he thought maybe it would awaken far too many memories for him. The last moments of his life when everything was mostly normal, and then all of it being snatched away from him in seconds.

Instead, he went to get a sea salt ice cream and found himself at the fountain, where a few children he didn’t recognize were playing. Radiant Garden seemed like a different place. Everyone was moving on. The World was changing. Perhaps he was the only one stuck in the past.

THE SEVENTH DAY

_The walls of the castle were cold and foreboding. Seven people lived in here, perhaps less now. Lea and Isa had not seen anyone outside as they snuck around the perimeter looking for the small, hidden entrance door that they had happened upon one day, which was quite unusual because Aeleus and Dilan seemed to always be at their posts, and Braig was always roaming and seemingly popping up out of thin air to sass them right back out the castle walls. Something was not right, and Isa could feel it, but even more so, their excitement to finally be inside the mysterious building with all its secrets._

_“What happens if we get caught?” Lea asked. “Run like hell? Try to fight? I think we could take ‘em.”_

_Isa felt fear take hold of him as he looked down the long, empty hallway. It was completely silent. Doors lined both of the walls, all of them locked tightly with the lights turned off. A single door at the end called to him, and he was certain that what they were searching for was in there. The two of them had only talked about finding one test subject, though. What if there were others? He looked at each of the doors in turn, wondering if they too held dark secrets that Ansem’s apprentices didn’t want the public to know. If he could get his hands on some of the reports and see what all of them had been up to…_

_They had to be here somewhere._

_“We have to stick together,” he said, glancing over at Lea for a brief moment, his heart rising up into his throat. He took Lea’s hand in his own and moved closer to him, nervous and afraid, feeling the blood rush through his veins like a violent flood, his heartbeat slamming out a quick, flighty rhythm like hummingbird’s wings. He never made the first move, but he had a feeling today would be a good day to start._

_Lea was faster than him, though. He was too busy studying Lea’s eyes, trying to put a color to them that wasn’t just green. Emerald green? No, that didn’t seem right. Seafoam green? That wasn’t right either. Then Lea was closing the gap between them, pressing his lips against Isa’s for a slight second. So brief that Isa didn’t even have time to react, and then Lea moved away from him, his fingers just barely grazing Isa’s, and he grinned._

_“We’ll save the real kiss for when we get out of here.”_

_A chill raced up Isa’s spine. Lea was so sure that they were going to get out of here. But they had talked, planned, calculated, observed, and Isa could say with almost no doubt that there was more than one test subject in here, and these test subjects were losing their hearts. Who was to say that Lea and Isa wouldn’t lose theirs as well?_

_He touched his chest, right where his heart would be, and felt it beating, pumping new life into him. All of his memories, of his family, of Lea, everything he had been through, was right there. Would he lose them if he lost his heart? He wasn’t sure. What happened when one lost their heart? Would they die? Or become something worse?_

_“Come on,” he said. “Let’s start looking.”_

It was a chore to do just about everything. Getting up, bathing, brushing his teeth, getting dressed. It seemed to suck all of the energy out of him. And yet, he kept moving, going through the motions like some mindless robot, trying to fight off the tears and the pain swelling inside of his too-heavy heart. He always thought himself to be strong, but he could not bear this alone.

Twilight Town was the same as always. It was bright and airy, and the center of town was bustling with activity. Children ran down the street, weaving back and forth across the track that cut through the street in a daredevil attempt to dodge the tram. How stupid of them, thinking that life was forever and death could not touch them. But hadn’t he and Lea thought the same thing when they were young? And hadn’t they received a fate worse than death?

No matter. He was back now. Both of them were. Everything was going to be okay. It had to be, or else he didn’t know what he would do.

The clock tower was deserted when he got there mid-afternoon, and he sat with his back pressed against the wall and his legs drawn up close to him as he looked out over the town. Today was going to be the day he would confront all of his fears and the mistakes of his past. He tried not to sit and dwell too much on the possible scenarios that he could find himself in, but no matter how many times he tried to draw his mind elsewhere, he kept imagining how everything could go wrong. “I’m sorry,” was obviously the first thing he would say, but that didn’t mean anything. A hundred thousand apologies would never fix what he did.

The breeze was cool and refreshing against his skin. The minutes felt like hours. The hours felt like days. He found his mind wandering to the old mansion in Twilight Town, and then to Castle Oblivion. So many castles in his life. All of them had caused him great grief.

_“You get all the power, while I do all the work. What do I get out of it?”_

_“A friend at the top. You’ll need it when the time comes and Kingdom Hearts is nearly complete.”_

_“You’ve changed…Isa. You said that you were still you. I’m not so sure.”_

_“Of course I’m still me! You’re the one who’s changed!”_

“Isa?”

The voice startled him a little, but the initial shock quickly melted away into a warmth brought on from familiarity. He had known undoubtedly that Lea would be here, that he would be the first to arrive. His nerves were a tangled mess, and he could not bring himself to look up, to even move. He was frozen in place, filled with both indescribable joy and a haunting sadness that gripped his heart and made tears spring to his eyes. He did not want to cry, but the sound of Lea’s voice speaking his name resonated in his mind like the sweetest melody, and he thought right then that he might actually break.

“Isa, is it really you? I wasn’t sure if…if you…”

“Neither was I.”

He dared to look up at his friend, and he choked out a sob that wracked his whole body as tears flowed down his cheeks. Lea was the same as always, tall and lean with a half smile tugging at his lips and a twinkle of mischief glimmering in his eyes. The glaring sun burned down upon him, shining on his deep red hair and making him look like he was literally wreathed in a halo of fire. He was stunning, even more so now that they were allowed to look normal.

Lea’s eyes immediately softened as he looked at Isa, and his smile fell into a frown as he dropped down to his hands and knees next to him. “Are you crying? What’s wrong? What happened?”

“I…” He wiped at his face. His cheeks were burning, and his eyes stung, and it felt like he could hardly breathe. He hated feeling like this.

“It’s okay. It’s okay. Just breathe. Everything is gonna be alright.”

He felt Lea’s arm wrap around his shoulders, the heat of his body right next to him, and he buried his face in his hands and cried. He did not expect his emotions to be so strong. He thought he could control himself. But it was all too much. He didn’t deserve this. He did not deserve to be recompleted.

“I’m…I’m sorry…” he choked out. “I…”

“It’s okay.”

“I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m–”

“Hey, did you hear me? I said it’s okay.”

Isa looked up, rubbing his bleary eyes, and shook his head. “How could you say that?” he asked. “How could you ever…? We were best friends. I put you through hell. I–”

“Yeah, and I said it was okay.” Lea smiled a little and brushed some hair out of Isa’s face. His touch was so gentle that it almost made Isa start crying again, which made him feel like a complete idiot. Why the hell did he even need a heart? It made him soft and weak.

“You don’t make any sense. You should be shunning me. You should –”

“Shut up.” Lea wrapped his arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace, which was just about the farthest thing that Isa had expected to happen when he came to the clocktower today. He was so startled he couldn’t even move his arms, couldn’t reciprocate, and he just sat there, letting Lea hug him while he rested his head on Lea’s shoulder and looked out over the quiet little town. He smelled like smoke and strawberries, which was oddly satisfying. It was a new smell, yet somehow felt oddly familiar. Like home. He closed his eyes and let one more tear fall, then vowed that he was done crying for the day.

But these were not tears of sadness, he realized; they were tears of joy. He had found acceptance where he was certain he would be rejected. But why? He didn’t understand it. Lea had always been warmer and kinder than him, but still, how could anyone ever forgive this?

“You should hate me,” he said.

“But I don’t.” He pulled away, placing his hands on both sides of Isa’s face, and studied him carefully. A small smile tugged at his lips. “I missed you. I missed your eyes. They’re not yellow anymore. And your ears! They’re not all pointy. Everything’s back to normal.”

“…no, it’s not.”

“So not totally back to normal, but it’s a start, okay?”

“But –”

“You’re forgiven. For-giv-en. Got it memorized?” He smirked.

Isa wanted to smile, but it didn’t seem right. It was all so confusing. He didn’t deserve this. Not even a little bit. “You can’t just pretend nothing happened.”

“I’m not pretending nothing happened. I haven’t forgotten. I just don’t see any reason holding a grudge. I missed you. I wanted my friend back.”

Isa blinked in confusion, at a loss for words. It made no sense, but he was grateful for it. After everything he’d done, Lea was still willing to give him another chance.

So maybe this was why he wanted his heart back. Maybe it made him feel sadness and guilt and pain and suffering, but it also made him feel joy and peace and love. Yes, love. He was certain he had fallen in love with Lea a long time ago. He’d just lost his way.

“Come on,” Lea said, standing up and offering a hand to Isa. “Let’s go get a drink.”

Isa raised an eyebrow. “Roxas and Xion…?”

“Yeah, they’ve got Hayner, Pence, and Olette to keep them company now. They can do without me for a while. Besides, they’ll see me tonight.”

Isa took his hand and got to his feet. Everything felt strange, like a dream that was too good to be true. No one could be this kind to him.

“What do you mean?”

“At the house. If you need a place to stay, we’ve got a spare room. Feel free to crash.”

“Y-you would let me–”

“Of course. Now come on. We’ve got some catching up to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still haven't finished Kingdom Hearts III, oops. I'm really just basing all of this on gifs I've already seen from the game, but I realize there's probably still some gaps I need to fill in. Anyway, thanks to everyone who has commented, bookmarked, and left kudos! I hope I can still keep you entertained enough to come back. (:


	3. Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > Because it's getting dark and all you have is time  
> Time may be the death of you  
> But time will never get the best of us 
> 
> -"Driftwood Heart" by SayWeCanFly

Twilight Town was bigger than Isa expected. The few days he’d spent roaming the streets, he’d never actually paid attention to any of the shops around him. Lea glided through the place as if he’d been here his entire life, pointing out some of the places he liked to visit and hang out and recalling memories he’d made with Roxas and Xion and those other three people he named that Isa didn’t recognize.

It was disheartening, knowing that they had lost years of the lives they could have had together. They lost such an essential part of growing up, and now here they were, thrust back into life with hearts they thought they no longer had and no clue what to do with them. Well, maybe Lea understood. Isa still wasn’t so sure. He was accustomed to working, throwing himself into making sure the castle and all its residents were functioning properly, and now, he was feeble and confused, no longer safe in the cloud of lies that had shrouded him for so long.

He kept his distance from Lea as they made their way down the steadily dimming streets of the town. It was sort of a punishment to himself. He shouldn’t have come looking in the first place. But he knew he couldn’t stay away.

He listened, enthralled by the nonstop chatter but hardly ever contributing a word himself. Lea was always so full of some strange, chaotic energy, always the one to approach others and make instant friends, while Isa lurked in the background and tried desperately not to be seen. Had he been more like Lea, perhaps he wouldn’t have met the fate he’d been doomed to. Lea had a good heart, a strong heart, a heart that would never intentionally fall to darkness.

Isa had allowed himself to be lied to, manipulated, and in turn, he had tried to drag Lea down with him. What sort of friend was that?

“This,” Lea said, gesturing to what looked like an abandoned house, “is one of my favorite spots in town. For the adults, you know.” He winked.

Isa looked up at the sign. It was a barely lit, blinking sign that was about to go out that read “The Cavern.” It felt like a very strangely named place for this town, but he didn’t complain. The darkened, broken windows and the crumbling roof signaled to him that someone did not maintain this place very well, and it worried him to see what was on the inside. He was the type that needed order and a clean environment, whereas Lea was content to be in a place no matter how chaotic or filthy it may be, so long as it had heart. And this place had some sort of heart. Maybe it wasn’t so bad, Isa decided. It was something Lea loved, and that made it worth his time.

There was something strange about the building. Or maybe it was just the fact that he existed, in this moment. Something inside of him told him to let it go, that he should just accept Lea’s forgiveness and move on, but he couldn’t help himself feeling like it was some sort of trap or even some peculiar waking nightmare that had been created in a lab far away. It wouldn’t be the first time that a bunch of scientists had gotten their hands on him and turned his world upside down, and now, any sinister thing could be possible.

“Right this way,” Lea said, pushing open the door and moving aside so Isa could walk in first.

The inside seemed to be a completely different world. It was quieter than Isa would have imagined, with just a few people here and there across the room chatting at small tables over their drinks as soft music played. The walls were decorated with bright strings of lights, and a large window opened up close to the roof to let the stars and the moon shine down upon the patrons. The dark ceiling was decorated with its own fake stars, but somehow, it almost looked like it really was a starry night sky.

“This doesn’t seem like you,” he said.

Lea shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t come here often. Just when I need to think. I thought you might like it.”

“…it’s nice.” It still felt odd to stand here speaking so amiably with him. He didn’t know what to say, and he made sure that when he did speak, his words were chosen carefully. If this did happen to be real, he didn’t want to ruin it.

“Have you been staying in Twilight Town?” Lea asked as he guided Isa to a table close to the back of the room. “No, you couldn’t have been. I would have known.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

Lea shrugged. “I don’t know.” He leaned back in the chair he’d sat in and sighed. “It’s like this: sometimes people’s hearts are connected, and when that happens, it’s kind of like you can just sense when someone is okay or if something’s happened to them. Like when I was locked up and they took you away, and –”

He stopped. And Isa was glad that he did. Those were memories that he wished that he could forget from their childhoods. In fact, if he could just forget the last ten or eleven years, he would be content. But getting a heart back had no effect on the memories left in his mind. Nobody or somebody, it didn’t matter. All he felt was pain.

“So, you think you would have sensed me in Twilight Town?” Isa asked. “I’ve been coming and going for several days.”

“…I had no idea.”

Isa nodded solemnly. He did not need Lea to say it, because he already understood: their hearts were not connected anymore, as they had been before. Lea had not even known that Isa was recompleted. He’d assumed the worst. And he had kept moving forward. Ages ago, their hearts would have beat as one, perfectly in harmony with one another and fine tuned to feel the other’s pain. But now they were all out of sync, and they might never get back on the same beat.

Hell, the only reason Isa even knew he had a heart was because of how damn depressed he was all the time. He was not a hollow shell, but a body tied down with heavy stones and thrown into the middle of the sea to drown.

He cleared his throat. If he didn’t get out of his thoughts, he would start crying again. That was the last thing he needed right now. “I was trying to work up the nerve to talk to you,” he said.

Lea didn’t say anything for a moment. Isa could feel his gaze on him, but he didn’t dare look up at him as he traced shapes on the table. The shape of a heart. Kingdom Hearts. Such power they were messing with that they did not understand.

“You were afraid to talk to me?” Lea asked. “I didn’t think you had ever been afraid of anything.”

“You’re wrong about that. Fear is a constant companion of mine.”

He didn’t mean to delve right into his feelings so soon. Perhaps that was too much. Or maybe not enough. It was just like he was thrown back into his angsty teenage years, right before he’d lost his heart. All kinds of things to sort out and no means to do so. He finally looked up at Lea, expecting to see confusion or revulsion or something along those lines, but he was just watching him, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of his lips.

“What?” Isa asked, almost feeling self-conscious, like Lea could see parts of him that he had never wanted to show anyone.

“Nothing. I just really missed your eyes. They were piss yellow for too long. I hated them.”

“Did you hate me?”

“Dislike? Maybe. Hate? I...don't think so. Want a drink?”

Isa almost wanted to smile. “Just water is fine.”

Lea disappeared to the bar, and Isa was left in his thoughts again. Perhaps it would be best for him to just return to Radiant Garden. The thought of having to see Roxas and Xion made his stomach knot up, and he doubted that either of them would be too keen on sharing a living space with him for the night. Why would they be? Hadn’t he put them through more hell than anyone? Just because he didn’t understand, because he had let the most important piece of his life slip away. Lea moved on. Isa stayed isolated, trapped in memories that he could not have back.

“Okay, so hear me out. The first few sips of this is going to be bad, but I swear you’ll love it.” Lea slid back into his seat, plopping down two glasses on the table filled with some strange, light blue liquid and topped with fresh cuts of strawberries and apples.

“This…isn’t water.”

“Good observation! They actually tried to replicate the sea salt ice cream in a drink, and they did a pretty good job.”

Isa let out a breath that might have been a laugh had he been in a better mood. “Do you ever do anything besides eat sea salt ice cream?”

“…the berry ice cream isn’t that bad either.”

Isa grabbed the glass and took a tentative sip of the liquid. Though Lea had warned of the first taste being bad, he actually thought it tasted fine. Like his childhood. Every day after school when they made their way downtown to get ice cream, sit by the fountain, and talk about useless nonsense for hours until the sunset.

“I think I should go back to Radiant Garden,” he said. “I don’t belong here.”

“What are you talking about? The last thing you need is to be alone right now. After all we’ve been through…” Lea said. “There’s plenty of room in the old mansion, and –”

“You’re staying in the old mansion?”

Lea shrugged. “Well, yeah. No one else is going to, right? So we were talking about doing something this weekend. Maybe going to the beach, but we weren’t really sure. Is that okay with you?”

Isa rolled his eyes and shook his head. It made no sense to him. None of this did. Offering a bed for the night was one thing; perhaps he could understand that level of kindness. But talking as if he belonged in their little unit? He had stopped belonging a long time ago. He had never belonged in their trio. Hell, he might not have ever belonged in the Organization. He was just a stepping stone, a pawn in someone else’s game.

Perhaps he had his heart back, but he certainly still felt like a Nobody.

“Why are you acting like this is a long-term thing?” he asked. “As if everything is just going to fall into this perfect picture of light, and we’ll all be happy and oblivious to everything that’s happened? How can you look at me and not feel hatred and rage? How could they ever –” His voice broke. He stopped himself before all of his emotions swallowed him up and spilled out all over the place again. No crying.

“You’re shaking,” Lea said, reaching over to take his hand. Isa quickly pulled away, wrapping both of his hands around his glass in hopes that the coolness of it would calm him down. It did not.

“Okay. So what? You want me to yell at you or something?” Lea asked, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest. “You want me to hit you or tell you I hate you? That’s not gonna happen. Fine. I’ll admit you were an asshole, and there were days when I wanted to beat the shit out of you and never talk to you again. But the thing is, you were my friend. You still are. And even after everything we all went through, I just…really wanted my friend back. And here you are. Isn’t this what you wanted too?”

Isa felt like his heart was going to explode out of his chest. Memories flashed through his mind at rapid speed, images of the rooms in The Castle That Never Was, the wide windows displaying Kingdom Hearts hanging over them like some great, behemoth, omniscient entity as they gathered like churchgoers and listened to ramblings and preachings that settled so deeply within their bones. Fighting for something they didn’t understand, foolish enough to believe they could create something that powerful on their own. Images of familiar faces, people whom he’d never wanted to be such a huge part of his life – Xigbar, Xaldin, Lexaeus. Xemnas. Lies. So many lies.

“Yes,” he answered. He could feel a headache forming. He just wanted everything to stop. “That’s all I ever wanted.”

“I don’t think the problem is all of us forgiving you,” Lea said. “I think you just need to learn to forgive yourself.”

—————————————————

The old mansion was just as he remembered it. He had only seen it a few times, but it had always had this very strange aura about it. There was so much power lingering here, so many secrets. But as lonely and desolate as it had always seemed, it looked nicer now, like it was actually inhabited. The gate was open, and the windows on the second story were no longer closed off. The curtains were pulled back, and warm light streamed down onto the lawn. He thought he might have seen some shadows moving around inside, but he couldn’t be sure. It had to be Roxas and Xion. Who else could it be?

“Here it is,” Lea said. “There’s an unoccupied room in there that you can have. The place is huge. Not as big as the castle, obviously, but it’s nicer. It feels like…well, like home.”

Home. Nothing had felt like home in a long time. Isa didn’t even feel like this could be home. Not yet, anyway. Maybe not ever. But a bed in a place where there were other people would be nice. Radiant Garden had felt very lonely and sad, and he thought that if he would have stayed there any longer, he might have started spiraling backward into a darkness that he could not escape from.

“Do you think…” he asked, trying to figure out how to phrase his question. It was something that had been plaguing him all night. All week, really. “Do you think there’s any way we can get back to the way things were?”

“When we were younger?” Lea asked. “Before…?” He paused, studying Isa for a moment. He looked genuinely happy, happier even than what he pretended to be in the Organization. Maybe as he stood there in thought, his green eyes sparkling in the light of the stars, he was remembering what they had been and wondering what they could be and if all of it would be able to fit into this neat little home and lifestyle he had built.

That’s what Isa was wondering, anyway. How he was supposed to fit into the picture now. Or if that picture would have been different, had they not taken the paths they’d gotten lost on so long ago.

“No,” Lea finally answered. “I don’t think we’ll get back to that. We can’t just pick up where we left off. But we can get back to a new normal. And maybe that new normal will be better than what we had before.”

“Never knew you could be so…reassuring.”

Lea chuckled. “I have my moments. Come on. Roxas and Xion asked about you. They were worried. I’m sure they’re gonna be thrilled to see you’re okay.”

“That…seems far-fetched.”

“Thrilled might not be the word for now, but they will be glad to know you made it back.”

The closer they drew to the house, the more Isa’s fight-or-flight instinct started to kick in. He was a small animal, cornered by impending doom. His own impending doom that he had wrought upon himself. His legs grew heavier, and the crunch of rocks and grass and leaves below his feet seemed so loud he thought he might go deaf. He kept himself at a safe distance away from Lea, knowing that while he had been told he was forgiven, he did not think he should be so close. In fact, perhaps even in this big house with people he knew, he should isolate himself. Make it seem as if he didn’t exist.

The front door creaked open, signaling the sheer age of the whole place. It seemed like the very foundations below them were shuddering and groaning as well. However, the rest of the house looked nice. Chaotic and disastrous, but nice. It was not as Isa normally liked, with everything in its proper place, but it looked as if someone lived here. There was a table in the middle of the foyer with a tiny replica of the house on it, everything just exactly as it appeared from the outside. Someone must have been messing with it recently, too, as there seemed to be tiny replica people inside. Crudely made versions of Roxas, Xion, and Lea, which Isa could only imagine they had made together for some sort of family fun night. A vase was overturned, and flowers spilled out of it, still alive but looking droopy and tired.

All of the doors were thrown open, revealing neat, wooden walls. To the left, the room was decorated with posters that looked like they had been taken from around town. Mementos from past events like festivals and movie nights and some sort of battle that took place at the end of summer. To the right, the room had a sort of beach vibe. A large plant was set right in front of the door, its wide, green leaves overhanging the frame and shooting up toward the ceiling. A few seashells were scattered here and there. Some jackets and shoes had been thrown around, seemingly in a hurry, as if they just couldn’t wait to get inside and share time together. A skateboard was placed at the bottom of the stairs, along with some roller blades and a scooter. A few wooden sticks from the sea salt ice cream sat on another table in a messy pile, with a countdown hanging above them to when they would receive their next prize.

It was a home. But it was not Isa’s home. He felt a large bubble of panic swell up in his chest as he eyed each and every bit of memorabilia and treasure in the place, and he knew that something had been established here, something so far away from his reach that he would never be able to touch it even if he tried. All he could do was bring darkness and gloom to it all. This was a place that radiated light and joy and all the good that had ever been held in all the worlds, and he was standing on the outside of it all, looking in and wondering how he could ever come close to attaining any of it.

“So?” Lea asked, running a hand through his hair. “What do you think?”

“I…don’t belong here,” Isa said.

Lea opened his mouth as if he wanted to argue, but a sudden, sharp clattering noise from upstairs cut him off, followed by the sound of hurried footsteps and laughter that sounded so real it stung. So long. So long since he had heard actual laughter.

Roxas and Xion burst forth from one of the rooms on the left, nearly tripping over one another as they desperately fought to be the first one out onto the landing.

“Hi, best friend!” they both exclaimed in almost perfect unison as they stumbled to the rail and peered down onto the foyer.

“Hi, best friends!” Lea called back. “You know Isa.”

The look of pure joy on their faces wavered for just the slightest moment as they studied the scene below them. They were different now. They seemed older, more mature, happier in their own bodies and in their own understanding of the world around them. They carried themselves with purpose and confidence, as if they could take on anything together. Back in the day, they were small and weak. Confused, misguided, unsure. He’d taken advantage of both of them, treating them as objects to be used freely by the Organization, never taking their feelings into consideration because they weren’t supposed to have feelings, and somehow, it seemed they did. He’d let his own feelings get in the way, if you could call them feelings. Nobodies had no feelings, and yet, he knew that he had experienced jealousy to some degree, not just because they got to have Lea whenever they wanted, but because they could feel things, and all he had was a shadow of a memory of a feeling.

Or so he’d been told.

But that was no excuse. He could not retract his own idiocy.

“How are you here?” Roxas asked.

“I…um…well, I got recompleted, and –” He wasn’t sure why he was struggling so much to speak. He’d always been eloquent, and yet, faced with the guilt and regret of his past, he was almost rendered speechless.

“No, I know that. But Axel – Lea, sorry, I do that sometimes – told us you lost your hearts in Radiant Garden. You shouldn’t have been able to get here…right?”

They were all silent for a moment. Actually, now that Isa thought about it, he didn’t actually remember how he had traveled back and forth in between worlds. Paths should have been closed off to him. Everything except the dark corridors, but he had no memory of delving back into darkness to defy the laws of the World. Perhaps he had, though; there wasn’t really another explanation. When thinking back on it, it was just a big gap taken out of his memory, like he had blanked out or something. It was just something that he did, not even thinking about it. 

A soft laugh from upstairs tore him away from his thoughts, and he realized it was Xion, smiling down at him as if he had done no wrong in his life. “Well,” she said with a shrug, “maybe our hearts are more connected than we thought they were. Maybe…we were all meant to find each other again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly making my way through KH3. I'm in Monstropolis! I'm starting to think I don't really care if this is canon-compliant, but also, I want this to make sense? I've already written my next chapter, but if someone wants to message me, I have some questions about Xion post-KH3 that I'd like some answers to before I post anything else. Anyway, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Not the best, but I can say I've been having fun with the next ones.


	4. A New Dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > If my heart had a voice  
> It'd cut through the chaos, cut through the noise  
> If my heart had a choice  
> I'd tell you the stories  
> I'd always avoid  
> I'd be honest to you, honest to God  
> If my heart had a voice 
> 
> \- "Honest" by Mali-Koa

_Everything in the house was kept unbelievably clean, from the pictures on the wall to the plants set in window frames, the bookcases, neat and polished with rows of books categorized and alphabetized, to the domineering grand piano in the middle of the room. Not a speck of dust on anything. Nothing even slightly out of place. It was silent save for the songbirds outside the window and the sound of a fifteen-year-old boy, bored out of his mind, slamming the same three keys over and over again on the grand piano. There wasn’t even the hint of a tune starting to form, just loud and unnecessary noise as he stared out the window and tried to remove himself from this reality for just a little while._

_The sudden weight right next to him on the piano bench drew him out of his wildly dissociative state, and he startled, swiveling around quickly to come face-to-face with his best friend, whom he’d forgotten was in the room with him. He had been far too quiet for far too long, which was unusual for him because he loved to hear himself talk, and he always wanted to make sure everyone in the room knew he was there._

_“You scared me,” he said. “I thought you had left.”_

_Lea grinned, the amusement twinkling in his eyes as well. “And not say goodbye? Now why would I do that?”_

_“Sorry, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen you shut up since I met you.”_

_“Hey!” Lea exclaimed, nudging against his shoulder as Isa laughed. “I know when to shut up, okay? Maybe I was thinking.”_

_“Another first.”_

_Lea sighed and shook his head. “The abuse I put up with in this relationship. Unbelievable! Hey, you know what we should do? Get some ice cream.”_

_“No. You have a milkshake right there! And I told you to use a coaster!” Isa frantically grabbed the cup that Lea had set down on top of the grand piano and slid a coaster underneath it as he wiped away the water droplets it had already left on the polished wood. “If you leave a water ring on this, my dad will kill you.”_

_“Okay, okay. Calm down. Your face is turning red. It’s not a good look for you.”_

_Isa already tasted a bitter retort at the tip of his tongue, but it never made it past his lips. He sat there watching Lea for a few seconds as he sipped his milkshake, then turned away and started beating the same three keys again. His skin felt strangely hot for some reason._

_“Hey, you should play me a song,” Lea suggested as he grabbed the songbook off the top of the piano and began flipping through it._

_“I don’t know how to play any of those,” Isa grumbled, hitting a different key this time. The lowest note on the piano. Something that sounded wicked and haunting as it vibrated through the still air._

_“You’re supposed to be practicing, aren’t you? Do this one!” Lea flipped the book open to a really complicated piece that looked like it was supposed to be wild and upbeat, far too chaotic for someone who didn’t care to put the time or effort into the art. Perhaps in another situation where his father had not forced him to take up piano and he’d made the choice of his own accord, he might actually enjoy the two hours he was supposed to sit in here every day and practice, but it was really just monotonous and boring and took time out of things that he really wanted to be doing._

_Nevertheless, he tried, squinting at the page and sight reading the swirl of notes that made absolutely no sense to him as he set his hands on the keys and started to play a slow, timid tune. Not at all what the song was supposed to sound like. He could imagine his dad barging in and telling him how easy this was, how he should have had this down already if he hadn’t been sitting here daydreaming and goofing off. He would then proceed to sit down at the piano himself and play the piece flawlessly while making snide comments and leaving Isa feeling useless and irritated. His dad wasn’t a large or imposing man, but there was something about the way he carried himself that demanded attention from everyone in the room whenever he walked in, and he always had a way of making people feel like they had done something wrong as he looked around with his permanently displeased expression._

_Sighing, Isa stopped playing and buried his face in his hands, trying to calm himself down but knowing that he was probably about to send himself into a panic. He had nothing to show for his hours of practicing, and he couldn’t take that look of disgust. Not today._

_“Hey, it’s not that big of a deal,” Lea said, spinning around on the piano bench and slamming his elbow into the keys. “Let’s go do something else for a little while.”_

_Isa looked up at him, shaking his head. It sounded rational, to step away from everything and come back to it later, but his dad wouldn’t see it that way. “I can’t do that.”_

_Lea sighed, a tiny smile tugging at his lips. “So serious all the time.” He dipped his finger into his milkshake and got a little bit of melting whipped cream, which he wiped on Isa’s nose. “You’ve got something on your face.”_

_“Yeah. You put it there.”_

_“Well, I can get it off too.”_

_Isa’s cheeks were burning so intensely he thought he might catch on fire. Lea had no idea what he did to him. He had no idea that Isa lay awake at night thinking about him, planning a whole future for them with a house and a dog in a world that wasn’t Radiant Garden, even though he knew that wasn’t possible. Or maybe he did know, and he felt the same way. Or this was all just a game. They were just kidding around. He wasn’t really sure; they never talked about it._

_As Lea leaned in close to him, he felt his heartbeat pick up speed, and he was leaning in as well, not even caring about the whipped cream, just suddenly wanting to kiss him and tell him everything that he was feeling, all of the times he’d made his heart soar and given him hope for a future that otherwise seemed so dark and bleak. He desperately wanted to play him a song – no, write him a song, a song that was just for the two of them to hear in quiet moments, the sound of their hearts together as one –_

_“Isa!”_

_Isa jerked away from Lea and quickly wiped away the whipped cream on his nose as he looked up at his father. He was the spitting image of him, or so everyone in town told them, and he had adopted a personality similar to the man – quiet, pensive, and serious. Most of the time when his father barged in with his low but stern voice echoing through the quiet house, he would feel a need to correct himself immediately for fear of being reprimanded, but today was much worse; he was completely terrified. He had no idea what his father had seen, if he’d noticed the desire on his own son’s face and known that there was something there between him and this other boy, something Isa had hoped to keep hidden until the time was right, until they figured everything out._

_He waited silently, heartbeat thundering loudly in his ears and his eyes downcast, for his father to say something, but it seemed like the seconds were dragging on into eternity, and the longer he waited, the more nervous he got. What was he thinking? He knew his dad was somewhere in the house, and yet he couldn’t help himself. Lea always made him feel like that; he muddled his thoughts and made it seem like maybe he didn’t have to be compliant to rules and authority all the time._

_After what felt like a lifetime, his father finally spoke. “Are you practicing?”_

_He still couldn’t meet the man’s eyes. “Y-yes, sir.”_

_“I don’t hear any music.”_

_“I–”_

_“I was distracting him,” Lea said. “Sorry. I’ll leave.”_

_Isa’s father scowled. “I think that would be for the best.”_

_Isa watched hopelessly as Lea gathered all of his things in heavy, uncomfortable silence and his father leaned against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest and waiting patiently, his deadly green eyes never blinking as Lea slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way to the exit. Isa felt like a stone had settled in his stomach, and something in the back of his mind was trying to claw its way to the surface, to push him to his feet and force him to stand up for himself and for his friend, but he lacked the courage. He knew it would be best for both of them if he just kept silent and did as he was told._

_“Later, Isa,” Lea said, waving slightly as he left. He didn’t even look back at him. Isa knew that that probably wasn’t anything, but still, he couldn’t help but feel like Lea might be disappointed in him. He was disappointed in himself._

_“Honestly, Isa,” his father said with a heavy sigh, “couldn’t you pick better friends? Get back to practicing. Add another hour, since you thought it was suitable to just sit here and waste time with your…friend.”_

_“Yes, sir.”_

_He swiveled back around on the bench toward the keys and flipped through the songbook, trying to find something suitable to look at while his father stood watching him from the doorway. He found a prelude that looked simple enough, and quietly, he studied the notes and started to play to the best of his ability. It was choppy and messy and sounded like nothing, but he hoped that it was enough for his father to see that he was actually doing something, and he would just go away._

_As seconds ticked by and Isa struggled clumsily over the keys, he felt more and more irritated in himself. In everything. His father, the life he was forced to live, what had happened to his mother, this whole damn world and its messed up view, the people who just sat there and did nothing to change, to grow, to progress. Just like he was doing nothing to change._

_He glanced behind him and saw that his dad had finally left the room, and he was alone to do whatever he pleased. Which is exactly what he was going to do. He was tired of trying to follow the rules and make everyone happy at his own expense. It didn’t matter what his dad wanted or what anyone wanted. What would make him happy in this moment?_

_He just wanted to spend time with Lea._

_Tossing his songbook to the side and slamming the cover over the keys, he gathered his things and, with a final huff of annoyance, walked out the front door, making sure he slammed it as loud as he could._

_The sun was shining, the world bright and lively as it usually was. The streets were bustling with activity, people moving from shop to shop in their late afternoon free time before everything died down and the world fell into silence and peace around sunset. Lea wasn’t hard to find amongst all of it. He was bothering some kids from their class that he hung out with from time to time whenever Isa wasn’t available. Isa wasn’t even sure if they were necessarily friends. Lea just had this need to talk to everyone, befriend everyone, make sure he was remembered for as long as he could be._

_“Lea,” he called, which tore his friend’s attention away from whatever he was trying to do. Challenging someone to a fight, it looked like. Him and those damn plastic discs. As if he could ever actually do damage to anyone._

_Lea immediately perked up, his mouth turning up into a smile. Isa wasn’t sure why Lea liked hanging out with him when they had such different personalities, but he was glad that he did. It always made him happier to see that Lea was actually pleased to see him. Which was always._

_“I thought you had to practice,” he said. “Your dad said –”_

_“Who the hell cares what my dad said? Let’s go get ice cream.”_

_“Whoa, language. How very out of character for you.”_

_Isa smiled a little. He didn’t really care about the others from his class, barely even casting them a second glance as he pushed past them and slid his hand into Lea’s. Maybe he’d regret going against his dad in the future, but right now he couldn’t be bothered._

_All he wanted was Lea._

A sharp knock at the door roused him from his deep sleep, and he rolled over with a groan, trying to figure out what day it was or whose bed he was in. And then he remembered. He’d gotten what he wanted. He’d found Lea. And now he had accepted an invitation to be an outsider in a house filled with people who loved each other unconditionally. 

He glanced out the window and saw that the sun had not yet risen, so there should be no reason for someone coming to wake him up. He felt like he hadn’t slept at all, tossing and turning and unable to think about anything other than the life he wanted so desperately and didn’t get. 

“Hey, it’s Xion. Can I come in?” 

He rose up a little, unsure if he had heard the person correctly or if he was having some sort of strange dream. There should be no reason for Xion to be knocking on his door in the early morning. Why would she even talk to him? She’d been nice enough the night before, but she didn’t have to be. In fact, he didn’t expect her to. 

“Yes,” he answered, though still confused and hazy from sleep.

The door creaked open slightly, and Xion poked her head in timidly, as if she too was unsure why she had even come. Her dark hair was sticking up all over the place, and she still wore a baggy t-shirt and pajama pants, which meant she had probably been woken up as well. She stepped further into the room, shutting the door a little but leaving a tiny crack that allowed bright light from the hallway to spill inside. He stiffened, watching her and wondering what she had come here for and how this interaction was going to go. He knew the apologies were long overdue, and certainly he had planned on sitting her down and saying everything he could think of to say, but that was for later. Not before sunrise, and definitely not with her knocking at his door and approaching him first.

“Axel wanted to know if you wanted coffee,” she said, rubbing her bleary eyes. 

“I – what?” He’d thought of a lot of things she might say in a span of a few seconds, but that wasn’t it. 

“He got me and Roxas some apple juice, but he’s making coffee and wanted to know if you wanted some.” 

“Yes. That would be fine.” 

She nodded, shuffling her feet and yawning. Then slowly, she turned and started for the door again. 

“Wait.” 

She glanced over her shoulder at him, unsure, her hand on the doorknob. Keeping her distance. Ready to leave if she needed to. 

“You still call him that?” he asked. 

“What?” 

“Axel.” 

“Oh. Yeah, sometimes. Out of habit. He says it doesn’t bother him, but…” She shrugged. “I think it reminds him too much of the Organization, and it makes him sad. I’m trying to stop.”

A heavy silence filled the room as they stared at one another. There had been several things he’d wanted to say to her, and that stupid question had spilled out without any warning. Now, his mind just felt blank. 

“We’re downstairs, whenever you want to join us,” Xion said with a gentle smile. A sad smile. He still wasn’t sure why she had been the one to come up here. 

“Why are you up so early?” he asked. 

“Sometimes we like to sit on the roof and watch the sunrise. It’s beautiful.” She started to open the door, then turned back around to him and crossed the room, rapidly, barely giving Isa any time to think before she was sitting down next to him, drawing her legs up underneath her chin and looking at him with a much too grave expression. “Were you having nightmares?” 

“I…don’t think so. I was…” He sighed. It was hard and confusing, being this close to her and feeling like there was a huge valley he had to jump across before they should even be allowed to have a conversation. A void that he should be working on closing, and they were both just dancing around it. “I was thinking about Radiant Garden.” 

“But you have nightmares sometimes. I do too. Sometimes I see Xemnas. Sometimes I see you.” 

He froze, unsure of how he was supposed to respond to that. She had nightmares about him. The word _monster_ popped up in his mind again, and he couldn’t help but feel that maybe that was the most accurate word to describe him. How could he have looked at her and seen nothing but a failed experiment? She was so utterly human, just like the rest of them. She had color in her cheeks and air in her lungs and a heart that loved people who could see who she was long before she even understood herself. 

“Xion –” 

“Do you remember everything? From when I was with the Organization?” 

“Not everything. In fact, I didn’t remember you at all for a long time.” He sucked in a breath. It felt like such a dick thing to say to someone. But then again, it certainly wasn’t the worst he’d ever said to her. “I remember some things. And I’m…sorry for them. I’m sorry for the things I can’t remember too. At the time…I thought I was right, but clearly, I wasn’t.” 

Xion eyed him carefully, a hard expression on her face. “I know we don’t really understand how all this business with hearts and Nobodies works, but I think…I think if you got recompleted, that’s proof enough that you really have a good heart.” 

“I’m not so sure that that’s true.” 

“I am.” She hesitated, but after a second, she placed her hand on his arm and offered him a warm smile. “He talked about you a lot before you got here. He told us all about Radiant Garden and growing up, and what happened in the castle…he told us everything.” 

Isa raised an eyebrow. “Everything?” 

“Yeah, you were his friend.” 

He exhaled an almost laugh. “It was a bit more complicated than that.” 

Xion frowned in confusion. “Best friend?” 

He looked down at her hand on his arm. It felt strange, to have such warm and caring human contact again. She should not be here showing him even the slightest bit of affection, and yet, she had a heart just as powerful as the keyblade wielder’s, capable of looking past anyone’s flaws and forgiving with ease. How ridiculous that he thought at one time that she was just a puppet, a creature that he had referred to time and time again as “it.” A thing that he had no pity for, no remorse. Something he would have wiped out completely if given a proper chance. 

He pulled away from her, putting more distance between them. “I think I should go,” he said. 

She frowned, her eyebrows furrowing. “Why? We were going to watch the sunrise –” 

“I want you to be able to live a peaceful life.” He hadn’t really thought about that before saying it, but looking at her now, he knew it was the truth. How could he impose on her like this, staying in her house around her friends while she had nightmares that contained memories of him and what he’d done? 

“I’m doing fine,” she said. “I mean, as fine as I can be. There are bad days, but…we’re all healing, aren’t we? So let’s do it together.” 

He shook his head. Unbelievable. How incredibly kindhearted and selfless of her. It made no sense. How could she sit here with him and pretend that everything was okay? 

“How can you heal while I’m here? After everything I did and while you’re having nightmares about all of the abuse –” 

“Because that wasn’t you!” she exclaimed, jumping up from the bed. Her hands were balled into fists, and her eyes looked misty with tears. It startled him, the sudden outburst of emotion. “Not entirely. And I know you’re not the same you that you were in the Organization anyway. You’re Isa. Not Saïx. Isa. Things are different now. You’re not going to hurt me. We’re…we’re friends.“

He clenched his fists hard, his nails biting into his palm and nearly breaking skin. "Why would you say that?”

“Because I want it to be true. You look like the monster from my nightmares, but you’re not him. You…you were like me, weren’t you?” She softened a little, tilting her head to the side and studying him with wide, blue eyes. “They messed with you. In the lab. They did awful things to you and messed with your head and your heart.” She paused, sucking in a breath. Isa felt himself on the verge of a breakdown, his mind spiraling deeper and deeper to the last moments of his normal life in Radiant Garden. All taken from him.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I shouldn’t have said anything. But…all I’m saying is…maybe we have more in common than you think. And…well, we can help each other heal.”

He wouldn’t look up at her. He could sense her, standing close by the bed and watching him, but he could not meet her eyes.

“Just remember,” she said, her voice thin and wavering like she might start crying, “that you’re Isa. Not Saïx. I know that because I don’t feel fear or discomfort around you like I used to. I just feel…sad. And hopeful. My heart isn’t hurting anymore. I just want to get to know the Isa that Lea missed so much, and I’m sure Roxas does too. So hurry up and get out of bed so we can watch the sunrise.”

“I’ll…I’ll be down in a minute.”

She nodded and smiled a little, then left the room, shutting the door behind her and plunging him into darkness again. The lab in Radiant Garden…the moment he had stopped being Isa and started being Saïx. For a time, he thought they were one and the same. After all, Lea never changed after he lost his heart. But Isa…Isa had become a totally different person. He stopped feeling like himself more and more by the day, only clutching at memories he had and a person he knew he once loved and never feeling any sort of closeness to any of it. Sometimes he wondered if maybe that hadn’t been him. Maybe it was entirely Xehanort, and when his heart left his body, only a little piece of Isa remained. A piece that was not strong enough to battle against all of the lies, the manipulation, the sheer horrors he had been put through.

But he remembered it. All of it. It had to be him. He had no one to blame but himself.

He almost didn’t have the strength to pull himself out of bed, but he thought that the fresh air, coffee, and human contact might be good for him. It was the middle of summer in Twilight Town, and while it was warm outside, the mansion was cold. He shivered, pulling on his jacket as he made his way down the cool wooden stairs toward the murmur of voices drifting up from the kitchen. He could already smell the earthy aroma of the coffee, something like cigarette smoke, which meant that it was probably burnt, but he wouldn’t complain. 

He still didn’t understand why Xion had spoken to him like that. It had all happened so fast, and she said they had things in common, that they could heal together…

He hadn’t even managed a proper apology. Just a half-assed, pathetic sorry that probably meant nothing. 

When he walked into the kitchen, Xion and Roxas were sitting at the tiny table sipping their apple juice and making idle conversation about their plans for the day. They stopped once they noticed him, and Xion smiled a little while Roxas greeted him with a sleepy “Good morning.” Images flashed in his mind, briefly, watching them run across the Grey Area, laughing and feeling and loving in a way that he could only depend on his memories for. They could fall so easily into this routine, this life of being a family. And he felt so far away from it all. 

Lea was at the counter pouring coffee into mugs, his back turned toward the rest of them and humming a song quietly to himself. He was still in his pajamas as well, a loose cotton shirt and flannel pants that swallowed his thin, lean frame and gray bunny slippers. It seemed so delightfully mundane, so beautiful in a way that Isa could not quite understand. Routine, simple, ordinary things, things they did in the castle, but it didn’t seem like a task, an exhausting, everyday chore. His heart swelled with what he could only assume was joy as he leaned against the refrigerator and watched Lea, watched as one of his sleeves slipped off of his shoulder and exposed perfectly smooth skin dotted with freckles like constellations that Isa used to could trace from memory. An overwhelming urge took hold of him, the need to wrap his arms around Lea’s waist and pull him close and place kisses all over his shoulders and neck. Something he’d always wanted, even when it seemed he’d forgotten through his indifference and contempt his missing heart had given him. 

He realized he was staring, and he quickly looked away, hoping that Xion and Roxas had not been paying any attention to him. “You were his friend,” Xion had said. 

Something like that. Something he wasn’t sure he would ever get back. 

“Okay, I know you guys know this song, so I don’t really understand why you’re not singing back-up vocals for me,” Lea said as he poured more apple juice for them and ruffled Roxas’s hair. “Wake up, sleepyheads. What happened to all that energy – oh, hey Isa. I didn’t know you were down here.” 

He didn’t really know what to say, so he shrugged and mumbled, “Sorry.” What was really going through his mind was how nice it was to hear Lea say his name again. No more Saïx. And his voice was so gentle, so tender. No harshness evident at all. 

“For what? Come on, I made you some coffee. Black with just a little sugar, right? Or have your tastes changed?” 

“…no, that’s fine.” It seemed odd that he remembered exactly how Isa drank his coffee; it was pretty useless information to hold on to.

Lea smiled at him and handed him a mug that had a puppy’s face on it, the handle roughly designed to look like a fluffy tail and the ears poking up over the rim in sharp triangles. It looked kind of like the dog they used to play with in Radiant Garden, the one they’d kind of adopted together and taken turns watching over the course of a few weeks before they discovered it had an owner and they had to return it. Its name had been Spike with them, but turned out, his real name was Snuggles, which was off-putting considering how large and beastly the dog looked.

He couldn’t help himself. “This looks like –”

“Yeah.” Lea smiled. “That’s why I picked it out. Now come on. We’re gonna miss it if we don’t hurry. Up, up, up guys!”

It seemed as if all of the sleepiness that had been holding Roxas and Xion down before had faded, and they were suddenly so eager to get out of the house that they nearly tripped over themselves and each other as they raced out of the room and up the stairs. Isa expected that Lea would run after them, but he held back, walking slowly to stay by Isa’s side as they made their way up the stairs.

“Xion said she talked to you,” Lea said solemnly.

Isa hesitated, unsure of what to say. Had it been her idea to come and talk to him? Or had Lea suggested it? And what had she told them went on between them? He wondered if she talked to them about it before he got there, the nightmares she had. Shouldn’t they resent him, knowing that he troubled her so much?

But she said it wasn’t him that bothered her. It was what he _had_ been. The cold, heartless monster. She acted as if the present him was a completely different entity than the past him, and to some extent, he could agree with that, but other times he could not be sure. Sometimes it was difficult to find the line that divided Isa from Saïx, if there was any line at all. He couldn’t tell.

“Yes, she did,” he said. “She said…a lot of things. But the conversation isn’t over. I didn’t get a real chance to say I was sorry.”

Lea was silent for a moment, which was entirely uncharacteristic and troubling, and Isa worried that maybe he had upset him. Xion and Roxas were so precious to him, and Isa didn’t even know how to treat them properly, how to be around them after everything. But he would learn. He would try. There was another apology resting on his lips as he opened his mouth to speak, but Lea beat him to it.

“We should probably go shopping today. To get you some more stuff. If you’re planning on staying here for a while.” He looked over at him, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. “You _are_ planning to stay, aren’t you?”

He wanted to, but he couldn’t see this being healthy for Xion. Or Roxas, even. It wasn’t fair to them for him to impose on the life they had wanted the whole time they were with the Organization. He had never been part of that picture. Why should he try to make it so?

“I probably shouldn’t –”

Lea’s hand reached out so suddenly for him that it startled him, and his warm touch froze him to the spot on the stairs, staring at him in confusion and worry. Lea’s expression was so grave that Isa feared he might start crying. Or yelling. He had always been so emotional, flipping through emotions so quickly that sometimes it was hard to keep up.

“Please,” Lea whispered, his voice fragile, “please don’t leave me again. I can’t handle it.”

He looked so small, so desperate, clinging on to Isa’s arm with trembling fingers that reminded him of the day he’d lost everything, his feelings for Lea, replaced by complete and utter indifference that battled against feelings he knew he had been feeling just seconds before. That time, he couldn’t stop Lea’s sadness and tears. The damage had already been done.

“Okay,” he said. “I won’t. I’ll stay.”

Lea sucked in a breath and released him, his fingers grazing Isa’s skin for just a second before he started walking again. “Good. I can’t take anymore. I’m tired, and I know you’re tired. We should just be allowed to rest.”

He would do anything for Lea. He had defied his father a countless amount of times, and he hadn’t hesitated to stand up for him in school when he got in trouble or whenever he was foolish enough to challenge the older kids to a fight. Even when he was mind-controlled and without a heart, he had been there, just a tiny piece of him, fighting back and giving Lea special privilege for his actions that, had anyone else done, would have resulted in his elimination. Xemnas knew. He knew that Isa still held on to those memories, his feelings for Lea. He wanted so badly to have full control of his trusted ally, but he never had one hundred percent of him. Almost, but not quite. There was just the tiniest whisper of fifteen-year-old, lovestruck Isa trying and failing to fight back.

It was like what had happened with that other boy, Terra. The Xehanort he had come to know first. He was almost entirely Xehanort, with just the slightest touch of Terra grasping for control. Something that Isa hadn’t figured out until recently, and something that he never would have equated to his situation. But that day when he had stepped into the castle with Lea and Xehanort picked him out for a perfect vessel, he’d lost himself. Almost entirely. He was scared and felt very alone, even if Lea had held his hand and kept telling him he was right there beside him, that he was never going to leave.

_I was trying. I tried to fight it as long as I could, but I wasn’t strong enough. I gave in. I lost myself and couldn’t find my way back. It was his plan all along…_

“Hey, are you two coming or what?” Roxas shouted from an open window at the end of the hallway. It looked as if he was standing on a thin ledge, hanging on to something above him and just barely keeping his balance. “You were rushing us, and now you’re moving soooooo slooooow.”

“We’re coming!” Lea exclaimed. “And what did I tell you about hanging on that ledge? You have to be careful –”

Roxas sighed heavily. “Okay, whatever. Just come on.”

“Whoa, what is this attitude?”

Roxas grinned and swung himself back up to where he had been on the roof. Lea climbed out the window first, clambering up the side of the mansion and onto a flat, narrow ledge next to Roxas, then reached down and offered his hand to Isa to help pull him up.

It was a small area, almost not enough room for all of them to sit together as Xion slung her legs over Roxas’s, and Roxas was practically sitting on Lea. Isa was squished up against Lea and pressed into one of the turrets. It seemed like maybe this was a good place for three people, not four.

“There it is,” Lea said, pointing in front of them with such amazement twinkling in his eyes that one could have guessed he’d never seen a sunrise before. A smile pulled at his lips, and he held out his coffee mug. “A toast.”

“Toast?” Roxas asked, voicing the confusion that was written on his and Xion’s face.

“Just…just put your glasses in. You too, Isa.”

It was a struggle, with limbs getting all tangled with other limbs and Xion elbowing Roxas and pushing him even further onto Lea, but they made it.

“To memories that last us a lifetime,” Lea said, then nudged Roxas. “You go.”

“Uh…to new beginnings.”

“Xion! Go!”

Xion tilted her head to the side in thought, and her blue eyes settled on Isa. “To healing.”

“To healing,” Roxas echoed.

For a second, the mood seemed to drop just a little, but then Lea was smiling and pointing again as the deep reds and oranges of sunlight started to spill over the treeline. “Look, look, look!”

Isa glanced, but really, all he wanted to do was look at Lea. He leaned against the turret, squished but comfortable, with his mug cupped in between his hands, warming him, as he studied the hard lines of Lea’s face, his thin, rosy lips almost always pulled back in a smile, his green eyes alight with the flames of sunrise. He was always so positive, so full of life, always carrying this chaotic, unpredictable energy with him, even if he was at his lowest point. He was strong and tall and willowy and graceful and…and –

“Wow,” Lea murmured in wonder. “It’s beautiful.”

“Yeah,” Isa agreed, almost finding himself smiling. “It is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about making a playlist for this fic? Not sure yet.  
> Anyway, to be continued! (:


	5. Weight of It All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > You'll wake to a ghost on the wall  
> I'll stop when I know how it started  
> I'll drop with the weight of it all  
> Tell me, where have you been  
> You've been underneath  
> Still digging in  
> Broken pieces we will rise again 
> 
> -"Weight of It All" by Handsome Ghost
> 
> Warning: panic attacks

_The moon was a waxing crescent in the sky, a thin, off-white wedge taken out of a royal blue nightscape dotted by stars and constellations and far-off planets that Isa could point out by name with no hesitation. None of it attainable. Only a pretty picture to marvel at and study. There was the bear and the fox and the unicorn, all perfectly visible and shining brightly upon a quiet, peaceful Radiant Garden. A soft wind whistled through the trees, creating a haunting melody and carrying the scent of flowers and fresh-cut grass. There was no sign of life in sight from where Isa sat at his bedroom window, watching the darkened castle and thinking about the plans he had for tomorrow. The plans he and Lea had made weeks ago, plans they discussed and rationalized and changed so often, making sure that every last step and detail was perfectly in order so that they knew what they were walking into when they invaded the castle tomorrow evening._

_They had watched, studied every single person that resided in the castle, making profiles for each of them and making sure they knew their schedules for every day of the week. They’d managed to sneak around and get a rough layout of the castle and all of its hidden entrances, and they had mapped out a path they would take once they were inside, planning each and every action to the very last second to make sure they spent as little time as possible in there and walked out with all of the information they’d been seeking without getting caught. It was reckless and stupid, but it was so well thought-out, so perfect, that there should be little to no room for failure._

_But as he sat there gazing out the window at the lifeless building, he felt a sense of dread creep over him, chilling him like the presence of a ghost looming over him, and he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe they were making a mistake and should just leave it all alone._

_However, he was a researcher, a scholar, and he lived to learn and to prosper and find answers to all of life’s greatest mysteries. He wanted to understand. He wanted to see. Even if he sat here humming nervously and thinking so much his brain was starting to hurt. Even if he was so anxious and concerned that he was sitting here peeling paint off of the windowsill and it felt like a stone was settling in his stomach and he was having trouble breathing as he imagined all of the possible scenarios he and Lea could find themselves in that would throw them off, get them in trouble, or force them into some fate they could not escape._

_After all, he was a researcher. A scholar. And he knew how those types of people worked. He wanted answers, but those people in the castle were looking for answers too, and sometimes he knew that people would go to extreme lengths, pushing past their own gray morality into a darkness that they could not escape from, if it meant reaching some sort of understanding._

Would they hurt me if we found out too much? _he found himself asking._ Or, even worse, would they hurt Lea?

_With a sigh, he flopped back onto his bed and stared up at his bedroom ceiling. He had painted it black with streaks of blue ages ago to resemble the night sky, and he’d bought glow-in-the-dark stickers of stars, which he’d made sure to place so it looked exactly like his map of the stars. Not as good as the real night sky, but it was a nice thing to wake up to in the morning._

_He could not sleep. On nights like this, he usually found himself counting the stars until he managed to doze off, but he knew that little trick wasn’t going to work tonight. He was wide awake and freezing cold, despite the fact that it was still summer, and the stuffy air in the room was suffocating._

_A sudden noise outside caught his attention. Something like footsteps. That was unusual. It was nearly midnight, and there was hardly ever any action going on in Radiant Garden once the sun set. It was like these people thrived on light and feared all of the things that supposedly crept around in the dark. Like mad scientists studying the heart. And some people going missing around town without a trace. One woman said that her husband “volunteered” to be part of whatever study was going on in the castle after one of the apprentices approached him in town, and though he had been gone for quite some time, she was confident that they were just getting a lot of use out of him, and he’d be home soon._

_Isa wasn’t so sure._

_He got up, inching over to the window to see what the noise had been, and he saw Lea climbing up the side of his house toward his window. The old, rusted rain gutter creaked and groaned underneath his weight, the noise so deafening in the still night that Isa was certain the neighbors would hear him. Or worse, his dad._

_“What are you doing?” he hissed, leaning out the window. “Are you insane?”_

_Lea looked up at him and grinned as he jumped from the rain gutter to the windowsill and slid onto the ledge, his face only a few inches away from Isa’s. He was in his pajamas. He hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes to run over here._

_“I was hoping you were awake!” he exclaimed. “I couldn’t sleep. I thought I’d come see you.”_

_“I appreciate that you think of me when you’re trying to fall asleep,” Isa said, “but my dad is just down the hallway, and we’re gonna wake him up.”_

_There was a twinkle of mischief in Lea’s eyes as he took Isa’s hands in his own and leaned into him, placing a brief, gentle kiss on his lips that left him feeling dizzy. “So we’ll be quiet,” he whispered, their foreheads touching, his mouth so close to Isa’s still that he could so easily close the gap again._

_Isa laughed a little, closing his eyes and taking in the scent of him. Strawberries, with maybe just the faintest scent of cedar wood. “You’ve never been quiet a day in your life.”_

_“Mmm, maybe. But I know how to be. Try me.” He let go of Isa and rolled onto the bed, causing the bed springs to squeak loudly, like little creatures crying out in lots of pain._

_Isa shot him a glare as he lay down next to him. “You know how to be?”_

_“Starting now. I’ll be quiet.”_

_“You’re impossible.”_

_Lea didn’t say anything, but he smiled a little, which dragged a smile out of Isa, and he sighed in contentment and reached over to touch Lea’s cheek. His fingers glided over smooth, soft skin, and he inched just a little closer so there was hardly any gap between them as he traced the lines of Lea’s face, as familiar to him as the constellations in the sky. Lea’s body was like its own map of stars, so many freckles dotting his nose and his shoulders and arms. But only in the summer. In the winter, they were barely visible._

_“Why are you awake?” Lea asked._

_Isa frowned, his fingers hesitating on the edge of Lea’s mouth. “Can’t sleep. I’ve been thinking.”_

_“About tomorrow?”_

_“Uh-huh.”_

_He sighed. “Me too.”_

_“Worried?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Me too.”_

_Lea placed his hand over Isa’s, warm and gentle, and offered him a little smile. “It’s gonna be okay. We can fight.”_

_Isa couldn’t resist rolling his eyes. “You and your fake chakrams? We don’t stand a chance.”_

_Lea poked his lower lip out in a pout. “You have no faith in me.”_

_Isa shook his head and ran a finger over Lea’s lip before placing a kiss there. “You’re skinny and agile, but Aeleus and Dilan can kick your ass no problem.”_

_“Maybe. But I’ve got you for backup.”_

_“I think you put_ too much _faith in me.”_

_“Nah. You’re strong.”_

_Isa heaved a sigh and ran his thumb over the freckles on Lea’s nose. He wished they would talk about this, but he knew that neither of them would be the first to bring it up. He just wanted to know what they were. Friends with benefits? Boyfriends? It didn’t really matter. They just seemed to fall into this behavior naturally most of the time._

_“Promise me you won’t leave me.”_

_The statement took Isa by surprise, and he focused on Lea’s expression, deadly serious. “Why would you think I’d ever leave you?”_

_Lea shrugged. “People do lots of things when they’re afraid.”_

_“I won’t leave you. I promise.”_

_“Good. I’m holding you to that.”_

_“Promise you won’t leave me either.”_

_“Promise.”_

_A gentle breeze rolled through the window, sending a chill across Isa’s skin. Of course he would never leave Lea. The thought seemed completely insane. Most of the time when Lea was involved, his judgment was clouded anyway. He couldn’t seem to think straight. Rules didn’t matter._

_He felt Lea’s hand gliding down his side, landing at his waist and pushing his shirt up, his fingers tracing circles on his bare hip. The night was chilled, but his skin was on fire, and he felt simultaneously aroused and terrified by whatever was happening here._

_Clearing his throat, he grabbed Lea’s hand and intertwined his fingers with his, pushing him away. “We should sleep,” he said._

_Lea shook his head, his nose brushing against Isa’s, his other hand running through his hair as he kissed him gently on the corner of his mouth. “I’m wide awake.”_

_Isa nodded, eyes half-closed, and hummed contentedly as he pressed his lips against Lea’s again. He loved and hated this feeling. He had never been drunk in his life, but he thought this might be what it felt like – a numbing, dizzying sensation that made him stupid._

_He hated being stupid._

_Lea moved closer to him, their bodies pressed tightly together with no room to move as he kissed Isa’s forehead and his cheeks and his lips and started to trail down his neck, stopping on his collarbone as his hand once again went to his hip and started to push his shirt up again. Isa bit his lip, his hands tangling in Lea’s hair, and kneed him away from him a little. His stomach was twisting in all kinds of knots, and this was all so completely ridiculous that he couldn’t help himself but want to laugh. In joy, in embarrassment, he wasn’t sure._

_“Stop,” he said between giggles, pressing his chin into Lea’s head and trying to nudge him away. “Stop, stop, stop.”_

_“Okay, okay,” Lea said, laughing as well. “Sorry.” He kissed him on the nose again with a sigh._

_Isa pulled away from him, flopping onto his back, and stared up at the constellations on his ceiling. “We’re gonna wake my dad up. We should go to sleep.”_

_“Okay. We can sleep.”_

_Isa sighed again as Lea rolled over onto his side and nestled against him, and he draped his arm over Lea’s waist and buried his face in his neck. They were too young. They were going to to do something stupid. Not just wake his dad up and get caught making out._

_Mostly, he was afraid that he was going to end up saying “I love you,” and as much as he meant it, there was too much at stake. He would wait. Until they made it out of the castle tomorrow._

_Then maybe he would put his whole heart on the line. Maybe._

When he awoke, it was still the middle of the night, and he found that he could not breathe. Everything felt like it was pressing in on him – the walls, the ceiling, all shrinking and confining him to this small space until eventually he suffocated. And he was crying. Why was he always crying now? 

He wiped at his face, his cheeks hot and tear-stained, and staggered out of bed, trying to force air into his lungs as he made his way to the door. He didn’t know where he was going or what he was doing, just knew that he needed to get out of this room and try to escape from his own thoughts and feelings. It was all too much. And he never knew when attacks like this were going to hit. He could be sleeping or drinking his morning coffee or standing in the middle of town or taking a shower – 

A shower. That’s what he needed. But it was so late at night, and everyone was asleep…

He stumbled almost drunkenly down the hallway toward the bathroom, grabbing at the wall and the railing to try to steady himself, but through the panic and bleary eyes, he could barely see where he was going. He was aware of all of the noise that he was making, aware that at any second any one of them could wake up and find him in this state, but he did not care. 

Three days. Three days he had been here, and though they were trying to make him feel at home, he still felt like a complete outsider. He ran into Roxas from time to time, and they would attempt some sort of casual conversation that just didn’t feel quite right, but most of the time, they avoided each other. Or, Isa knew he was avoiding Roxas. And he was almost certain Roxas was avoiding him. A few times he had rushed out and said he was late for something, and when that excuse wore thin, he walked back into his room, claiming he had forgotten something and didn’t emerge for several minutes. 

Xion was kinder, though she still seemed reluctant to initiate any sort of friendship. And Lea. He was trying so damn hard to make everything work. But they were all struggling with their own problems, facing their own traumas, and even though they were all unusually open about their feelings, they were still hiding things from each other, standing in the darkness and fighting their own demons alone. Isa could only wish that they’d stop this kind, forgiving act for just one second and yell at him, tell him how they really felt and give him some sort of hint to what he could do to try to redeem himself, but they were all just dancing around the obvious problems, pretending they didn’t exist. 

He made it to the bathroom, slamming into the sink on his way to the shower, and welcomed the pain that shot through his hip. With shaking hands, he hastily turned on the water and stepped in, not bothering to wait for the water to heat up, not bothering to strip off his clothes. He just needed peace, one moment’s reprieve from himself. Just one moment…

The water was warm and refreshing against his skin, and though his breath was still coming in short, raspy bursts and his body was still shaking, he could feel his muscles starting to relax. He sat down at the back of the shower, drawing his legs up close to him, and rested his chin on his knees. Panic kept coming and going in waves. One second, he wanted to get up and run and never look back at the home and the friendships that he had ruined, and the next second, he was fine. But he couldn’t stop thinking. Of all the things he’d done and all the losses he’d taken. He desperately wanted to go back to the night before he and Lea broke into the castle and tell their younger selves to just let it go, that it wasn’t worth it. They should just stay in bed until late afternoon and then go get ice cream at sunset like they usually did.

But there was no doing that. Fixed points in time or destiny or fate or whatever. He didn’t care anymore. The explanations were tiresome. Research and knowledge meant nothing to him right now. He just wanted peace.

_“I need you to do something for me.”_

_Lea – Axel – groaned and got up from his bed. It was late. “What? What could you possibly want now?”_

_“I don’t understand why you’re getting angry. We can’t feel angry. We –”_

_“Don’t have hearts. No emotions. I get it.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I should get a lock for my door. But that won’t stop you, will it?”_

_He knew that he could not feel anything. But the words stung, like a slap to the face. His voice was harsh. “Will you do something for me?”_

_Axel rolled his eyes. “Sure. Whatever you want.”_

_“Really?”_

_“You’re becoming insufferable. Why don’t you just do things yourself?”_

_“I’m just here to give orders.”_

_“Of course. Your orders or Xemnas’s orders?”_

_He was silent. Not everything he wanted was the same as Xemnas, but his own agenda was not getting in the way of their leader accomplishing what needed to be done._

_“Gotcha. Saïx has his own shit to get done.” The way Axel said his name was scathing, bitter, like it left a disgusting taste in his mouth. “Fine. You know I’m on your side. I’m trying to be, anyway.”_

_“I appreciate it.”_

_“You don’t appreciate anything. You don’t have a heart.”_

_He could feel Lea drifting further and further away from him, but there was nothing he could do. He wished he could feel something, so maybe then it might prompt him to try to hold on to their friendship, but there was nothing. A hollow, indifferent feeling. Lea could stay by his side or leave him, it didn’t matter._

_But there was something inside of him. Some tiny, faraway feeling buried deep inside. Maybe just a memory of a feeling._

_Hurt._

A knock on the bathroom door dragged him from his thoughts. “Isa?” The light turned on. He had forgotten to turn the light on. “Isa, what’s going on? It’s three in the morning. Is everything okay?”

It was Lea, which was the best thing he could have hoped for if anyone was to wake up. He sounded sleepy, but concerned.

“I’m fine. I just…” He couldn’t even figure out how to explain himself. Crying in the shower with his clothes on in the dark at three in the morning. That was a new low for him. It made him feel pathetic.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

He shrugged. He could see Lea’s silhouette approaching through the shower curtain. “I guess so.”

“What were you thinking about?”

“I…nothing…in particular…”

Lea sighed, standing right outside the shower now, leaning against the wall. “Well, since we’re both up, you wanna come downstairs and watch a movie? I can make us some tea.”

Isa leaned back against the shower, pushing wet hair out of his eyes. Something was wrong with him. He felt utterly useless, and even worse, out of control. He couldn’t seem to figure out his emotions, and the more he tried to understand, the worse it became.

“No, I want to be left alone.”

“Are you sure?”

“No.”

Lea didn’t say anything, but Isa could sense him close by, just a thin shower curtain between them hiding his shame. He was a mess. Life was messy. Having a heart was messy.

He closed his eyes, sighing, and let the water run over him for a few more minutes. He knew Lea was still there, but half of him wished that he would just go away and leave him to rot in his own self-hatred. The other half just wanted him to stay. To sit with him and just be there, a comforting presence.

“Isa?”

He didn’t answer. His throat felt like it was closing up, and words were running rampant through his mind, none of them piecing together to make coherent thoughts. He wasn’t sure if he was crying or not. It felt like his skin was on fire.

“Isa, I’m gonna pull the shower curtain back, okay?”

Nothing. His chest hurt. He wanted to scream.

“Okay?”

He made some sort of weird, raspy noise that was supposed to be consent. Lea must have interpreted it as such, because he was pulling the curtain back, sliding down the wall so that he was sitting on the floor, level with Isa.

“What can I do to help?” he asked.

Isa shook his head, turning his face away. He hated that Lea was seeing him like this. It was humiliating and shameful. He had never sunk this deep in his life, trapped in darkness that felt more powerful than anything he’d ever experienced.

“Isa, look at me. Please.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling tears slipping down his cheeks as he shook his head again.

“Please let me help you. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Me neither,” he mumbled.

After a second, he felt a tentative hand reach to touch his chin, gently tilting his head so that he was forced to look Lea in the eyes. He almost expected to see some sort of disgust or pity on his face, but instead he saw worry. Sadness. Fear. The same damn expression he had when Isa lost his heart and neither of them could understand what was going on. A frightened child watching helplessly as something beyond his control unraveled right before his eyes.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” Isa said. “I don’t even know why I came in here. I was thinking, and then I started to panic. And…sometimes I just black out and start seeing all of these things from the past–”

“It’s okay. We’re gonna get through this. Why don’t we get you out and get you dried off, and we can go sit downstairs for a little while? Does that sound okay?”

“You shouldn’t waste your time on me.”

“You’re not a waste of time. Come on.” He stood up first, turning off the water and drawing the curtain completely back, then offered both hands to Isa to help him to his feet. Isa took them, feeling his face burn with what he could only assume was embarrassment. He felt so much like a child. He couldn’t walk, make rational decisions, or articulate feelings, and when he was left alone and unsupervised, there was no telling what sort of nonsense he would get into. Like hopping in the shower with all his clothes on for no damn reason. At three in the morning.

“Thank you,” he murmured, averting his gaze as Lea offered him a towel. “I really don’t know what I was thinking.”

“That’s okay.”

“Stop saying that. It’s not.”

“…okay. So let’s just take this one minute at a time. Right now, I’m gonna go get you some dry clothes. Then I’ll be back, and we can make some tea and talk. If that’s what you want.”

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk, but he nodded anyway, and Lea disappeared, leaving him alone with his thoughts again. For the moment, he felt fine. Not good, not bad. Just fine. Neutral. Manageable. Two minutes from now, he might start losing his mind again, and who knew what he would do then.

He stripped off his wet shirt and tossed it to the side as he watched his reflection in the mirror. There were tiny scars marring his skin, creating a map of sorts with little paths and roadways. Most of them were nothing, just scuffs he had gotten from fights while training or from going out on missions his first few years in the Organization, but some of them were more serious. He had fought and fought for years – at first against himself, but gradually, as he realized he was losing the fight against the darkness that had taken over him, he cast aside his morality, his humanity, put trust in someone who had been the cause of why he was in his situation. 

He wavered a little, feeling dizzy all of a sudden, and caught himself on the sink. Sometimes it was hard to look at his reflection, to look into his own eyes. They were green now, almost the same shade as Lea’s but not nearly as stunningly bright. However, he could still sometimes look in the mirror and see the yellow eyes staring back at him, the ones he knew did not belong to him but had somehow become an integral part of his existence. It was hard sometimes, to see himself as he was now versus who he had been. The word monster kept popping up in his mind as he watched his reflection, his skin far too pale, his breathing still far too fast for his liking. He wished that he could just forget. 

But that was impossible. Because of the fucking scar he’d been left with. Why was it that he was the only one that had been left with a constant reminder of his past sins and traumas right in the middle of his face for the entire world to see? How was he supposed to move on, to heal? His fingers traced the lines of the X, and he flinched a little as he remembered how it had gotten there and how miserable it had made him the first few weeks he was part of the Organization. Lea had said that it was healing and looking better every day, but Isa could see the fear in his friend’s eyes. They both knew that it was never going to go away.

“Here you go.” 

He turned around swiftly, startled by the voice even though he knew it was only Lea. He’d learned rather quickly during his time with the Organization that he should always keep his guard up. There was no way of knowing what sort of creatures lay waiting in the darkness. 

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“You didn’t. I’m just on edge.” 

“Tea will help.” Lea grinned and handed him the fresh pair of pajamas he’d retrieved from his room. “Peppermint? Chamomile?” 

“Surprise me.” 

Lea turned away to go downstairs, and Isa found, in a very sudden flash of realization, that he absolutely did not want to be left alone. Things were still far from perfect, but having Lea around made him feel almost normal. 

“You don’t have to stay up with me if you don’t want to,” he said. 

Lea looked back at him and smiled a little. He looked so tired. “No, I want to. It’ll be just like old times. Like when I was always sneaking in your bedroom and we’d stay up talking all night. And then I’d leave before your dad woke up.” 

“Yeah.” Isa could almost feel a smile, but he wasn’t quite there yet. He wondered how much of that Lea remembered, if he thought about it as often as Isa did or if he chose to forget it all. 

No. Lea’s memories were precious to him. They always had been. 

Isa finished drying off and changed into his new clothes, and by the time he made it downstairs, the tea was ready, and Lea was in one of the back rooms waiting on a couch for him. He was turned sideways, back pressed against the arm of the couch, his legs drawn up to him and holding two mugs of tea. He offered one to Isa, who sat down on the opposite end of the couch the same way that Lea was positioned so that they were facing one another. They were both tall and the couch was cramped, so it was a little uncomfortable, but neither of them complained.

“Did you go see your dad?” Lea asked. “While you were in Radiant Garden?”

“No. I don’t even know where he is now or if he’s even alive.”

“You never were all that close to him.”

“Yeah,” Isa said, sipping his tea. Peppermint. “I should probably still see if he’s okay though. What about your family?”

Lea shrugged. “Sure, maybe I should go see them too. But it’s been so long…maybe I shouldn’t.”

“You didn’t really get along with your parents either.”

“Mom always said I was more trouble than I was worth.”

They were silent for a long time. It felt odd, being this close to Lea again and being able to talk without any concerns about Xemnas or Xigbar or Kingdom Hearts or anything else that had caused them so much pain and grief for the past several years. It was difficult to even find anything to talk about. Isa felt like there was such a fragile foundation beneath them right now that he didn’t want to do anything for fear of causing it to break.

“There was a lot of shit going on in Radiant Garden that people pretended not to know about,” Lea said. His foot grazed Isa’s just briefly, and then he pulled away, putting distance between them.

Isa watched him carefully, admiring how simple and beautiful he was, even in the dead of night when he’d been roused from sleep. He’d always been beautiful and fascinating and perfectly loyal. Every time he walked into a room, he carried this energy that drew people to him, an energy just like the sun that made people crave his warmth. That’s how it had been so easy for him to make friends in school, to make friends in the Organization. He could have been anywhere, done anything, and yet, he chose Isa over and over and over again while Isa fell further and further away, building walls between the two of them that they could not cross.

Perhaps it was time to break down those walls.

“I was thinking about the night before we broke into the castle,” he said. “Before I started panicking.”

“Oh,” Lea said, running a hand through his hair and chuckling nervously. There was a blush creeping up his neck. “Yeah, I remember that.”

“Everything felt really urgent. Like maybe somehow I knew that something was going to go wrong.” Isa relaxed a little bit, stretching his leg out next to Lea. “Did you feel that way too?”

“I think so, yeah. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have been acting…like that.”

“I didn’t mind.”

Lea smirked. “Of course you didn’t. You couldn’t get enough of me.”

Isa rolled his eyes and smiled a little, and Lea laughed and nudged his knee. “You’re smiling! I knew I could do it.”

“You were always able to.” Isa pushed some wet hair out of his face and sighed in contentment. He was actually happy right now. So happy, in fact, that he wasn’t even sure what to do with it. He hadn’t felt like this in so long that he thought he might actually start crying again. Did people do that when they were happy? He remembered that he had a few times, but that seemed like ages ago.

From somewhere in the house, he could hear a door opening and shutting, followed by footsteps coming in their direction. Isa found himself hoping that it was Xion. At least the two of them had come to some sort of understanding. Still, he was nervous to see her in the middle of the night. He still hadn’t given her a proper apology. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t know what to say. 

“Looks like we woke somebody up,” Lea said. 

A few seconds later, Xion was shuffling into the room, yawning and rubbing her half-closed eyes. “What are you guys doing?” she asked. 

“Having a tea party,” Lea replied. “Care to join us?” 

“…it’s three in the morning.” 

“The best time to have a tea party.” 

Xion laughed a little and shrugged. “Sure, I’ll join you. Should I get Roxas?” 

“I’ll get him.” Lea stood up, stretching, and left the room. 

For a moment, the room was silent. Isa watched Xion carefully, wondering what she was going to do, if she was going to make some excuse like Roxas always did to get out of the room with him. He shifted on the couch anyway, allowing room for her if she wanted to sit down. 

She stood by the door for a while, nervously shifting her weight from one foot to the other, then finally looked up at him. “Why is your hair wet?” 

He thought about making a joke, but it didn’t seem like a good time to, nor did he know if he even had any jokes in him. “I took a shower,” he said. 

Xion shrugged. “Okay.” Then she came and sat down on the couch, though she was still keeping a safe distance between herself and Isa. 

He still didn’t know what to say. The longer he waited, it seemed, the worse it became, and eventually the time would come when apologies didn’t matter anymore. Then there would be a permanent chasm between them all. He wanted to try to close the gap. 

“Is that peppermint tea?” Xion asked, pointing to Isa’s mug. 

“Oh. Yeah.” 

“I’ve never tried it. Lea always makes me green tea with a little bit of milk and honey. It’s good, and it helps me sleep.” 

“Oh. Maybe I should try that sometime.” 

“I’m sure peppermint tea is good too,” Xion said. “For when you can’t sleep.” She frowned, rubbing her arm nervously, and looked up at him. “Were you having trouble sleeping?” 

“A little.” 

She sat there staring at him, her bright blue eyes wide and very awake. It was so difficult to look at her now, knowing that just a short time ago, he swore to everyone that she was less than human. He really, truly thought she was. For a long while, he couldn’t see her face. She was just a mysterious figure in a black hood, just like the rest of them. 

Just like the rest of them…

He should have listened to Lea and Roxas instead of Xemnas. Something in him wanted to. Every once in a while he caught himself referring to her as a “she” instead of an “it.” But there was someone else telling him that Xion was just a creature, and the part of Xehanort that was inside him made him cold and unfeeling and selfish and perfectly, one hundred percent loyal to Xemnas and the plans he was trying to carry out. Xehanort’s wants and needs clouded over what Isa wanted, what memories he was trying to hold on to. 

But that was no excuse, he knew. He should have fought harder. Instead, he eventually gave up and just let it consume almost everything that was left of him. 

“Xion,” he said slowly, hoping that something would come to him if he just kept talking, but he was so afraid of messing it up. And it seemed as if any apology he offered her would fall flat. Words failed him. It felt like he couldn’t even talk at all. 

“Xion,” he tried again. “I…don’t really know how I’m supposed to say this to you. I’ve thought about it ever since I came back, and I can’t come up with anything good enough to say. You deserve an apology. You deserve more than an apology. I wish that there was something I could say or do to make it up to you. Or, better yet, just make it all go away. I wish that I could fix all of your nightmares and your trauma that I caused, but I can’t, and…I’m sorry. I know that isn’t much, but –” 

“Thank you.” 

“What?” 

“Thank you. I know that you’re trying, and I know that you’re sincere about everything you’re saying. Maybe sometimes I feel like I’m crumbling, but I can tell that you feel that way too.” She sighed, reaching for his hand hesitantly. He let her take it. Her skin was cold, and she was shaking a little. “We might not be able to go back in time to fix what happened to you or what happened to me, but we can keep going into the future. So here’s what you can do for me to make up for it. Just…be there for me. On the good days, the bad days. And I’ll be there for you too. We’re kind of like a family now. We have to watch each other’s backs.” 

Isa stared at her in wonder. She most definitely didn’t seem like the same person that he remembered from the Organization. She was more mature now, more confident, more in touch with her thoughts and feelings. She was already miles ahead of where he was. 

She had referred to them as family. _Family._

“You’re really intelligent,” he said. 

“And you’re really kind,” she said. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you this way first.” 

“I’m sorry for that too.” 

“Okay, green tea with milk and honey,” Lea said as he waltzed back into the room, handing over the steaming mug to Xion.

“Where’s Roxas?” she asked.

Lea frowned, his eyebrows furrowing with worry as he ran a finger around the rim of his cup. “He wasn’t in bed. He does that. Just wanders off and comes back in the morning. I try to give him some space.”

Isa couldn’t help but wonder – even if Lea said that it was normal behavior for the boy – if his leaving in the middle of the night had anything to do with his presence in the mansion. Though they were amiable enough to one another, he could see that it was hard for Roxas to be in a room with him, and he most definitely didn’t want to be alone with him.

“Try this,” Xion said, offering her tea to Isa. “It’s really good.”

Isa hesitated, glancing over Xion’s head to Lea at the other end of the couch. He was watching the two of them curiously, the tiniest of smiles tugging at his lips.

“I’ll try yours too,” Xion said. “Come on.” She took his cup out of his hands and shoved her own cup toward him as she took a sip. Her nose wrinkled, and she shook her head. “I don’t like that. You don’t put sugar in it or anything?”

“No, it’s already sweet.”

“Yuck. Take this back. Try mine!”

He sipped at her green tea and traded mugs with her again. “I think all of you have too much of a sweet tooth,” he said.

“Or maybe you’re just salty and bitter,” Xion said, covering her mouth to stifle her own giggles.

Lea laughed as well, and Isa managed a smile. “Guess I deserve that,” he said.

They fell into a comfortable silence with one another, and though Isa desperately wanted to enjoy the time they were spending together, he couldn’t help this overpowering guilt that was taking hold of him. Somehow, he felt like maybe it was his fault that Roxas wasn’t with them right now.

“We should go look for Roxas,” he said. “Or…someone should. Maybe not me.”

Lea sighed, stretching his legs out onto Xion’s and Isa’s laps. “The last time I did, he just got upset. I don’t wanna push it. He told me he’s just thinking and wants to be left alone.”

“Yeah, but I told you I wanted to be left alone too, and I didn’t,” Isa said.

“We should go look for him,” Xion said with a nod. “There could be something wrong.”

Lea shrugged, trying to appear indifferent, but Isa knew him rather well. He could tell he was relieved they had suggested it. “Okay, sure. Let’s go get him then.”

He stood, helping Xion to her feet. Isa hesitated. He was almost one hundred percent certain that his presence had something to do with it. “Maybe I should stay here,” he said. “He might just want to talk to the two of you.”

“No!” Xion exclaimed. “No, you should come too. It’ll be fine.”

Isa glanced at Lea, mostly for assurance, and his friend nodded. Still, it seemed like it wouldn’t be a good idea for him to come along and help someone who was grieving from the trauma of his past. Especially if he had been one of the main stressors.

“Okay,” he finally agreed as he got up and followed the two of them to the front door. Being alone didn’t seem like a good idea right now anyway. For any of them.

“What?” he asked as Xion threw open the door and they headed outside. He could sense Lea’s eyes on him, and he wondered if perhaps he was thinking the same thing, that Roxas had gotten upset and run off because of Isa. But when he turned around to look at him, he saw that he was smiling. A contagious smile that spread to him, making him feel like there was fire running through his veins. “What?”

“Nothing,” Lea said. “I just missed you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued (:


	6. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > When I'm lost where the river flows  
> In the middle of so close  
> At the moment when I need you most  
> You bring me home 
> 
> -"You Bring Me Home" by Imaginary Future

It wasn’t difficult finding Roxas. Xion called for him once while they wandered through the woods in front of the old mansion, and he responded to let her know that he was okay. They followed the sound of his voice to a small space where one of the trees had fallen over, and Roxas was seated there, nestled against some leaves and branches in his pajamas. Xion and Lea ran to him immediately, climbing up onto the trunk alongside him, while Isa held back and lingered in the darkness of the overgrown trees. It only seemed fair and right that he stayed away from Roxas. 

He thought back to the other morning, when they’d gotten up to watch the sunrise, how there had only been room for three people to fit comfortably on the roof. Three was a good enough number. Perhaps four was just too much. Maybe things were moving far too quickly. Maybe he should have gotten his own place instead of moving in with them so that he could give them proper space to do their own thinking and healing. 

But Xion had been so adamant about all of them being together, being there for each other, healing together. Maybe they all needed each other. 

He remembered the first night he arrived at the old mansion, and Xion suggested that he’d found them because their hearts were connected. He didn’t feel like that was true. He knew what it felt like to have two hearts connected, the feeling of being so in sync with one another that you could feel the other’s pain and know when there was something wrong. He did not feel like he had that anymore. He had a heart; he could feel it swelling with all kinds of emotions all the time and nearly killing him. However, it just felt like a lonely being, locked away somewhere safe with no one to talk to and no one to love. He was on the mend. They were all on the mend. Yet, he felt like his heart was trying to reach out, desperately trying to grab on to something that it knew it felt. 

He remembered loving Lea. He couldn’t stop remembering. Even when his heart was gone, he was sure his memories still loved him. And he still loved him now, even if their hearts were not quite on the same beat anymore. He wasn’t sure if they would ever get back to that. He wasn’t sure if he would ever feel a deep rooted connection with Roxas and Xion. His heart was just so unsure, testing out waters it had not been near in so long, unfamiliar territory. 

“We were trying to have a tea party,” Lea said, “but when I came to wake you up, you were gone.” 

His voice sounded so far away, though they were only a few meters apart. 

“Tea party?” Roxas asked, confused and rubbing his eyes as if he’d just been woken from sleep. “Why would you…?” 

“Insomnia,” Lea replied. “None of us could sleep, so we were up talking. Why don’t you come home?” 

Roxas groaned, though it didn’t seem like the idea entirely displeased him. It was more like the groan of someone who was carrying too much weight and was just too tired to keep going. Something he should not have to experience at such a young age. 

“I want to be alone,” he said. “I’m thinking.” 

“Do you really want to be alone right now?” Xion asked. 

Roxas looked over at her and smiled a little, shaking his head. “It’s just hard. I know I’m my own person now, but for so long, everything that I did was something that was for Sora. I’m not mad about it, I get it. But it’s like…I couldn’t exist without Sora. And now…I can, and it’s just something that’s gonna take some getting used to. That connection’s still there, but…I’m me. Just me now. I have my own heart and my own memories –” 

“You were a unique case,” Lea said. “Both of you were. Who knows where we’d be right now if you two hadn’t come along.” 

There was silence for a moment that hung heavy over the forest. Then Roxas looked up, scanning the area until his gaze landed on Isa. “You couldn’t sleep either?” he asked. 

“I think we’re all having trouble,” Isa said. 

“Let’s go home,” Xion said with a yawn as she hopped off the fallen tree trunk. “I’m tired, and we’ve got plans with Hayner, Pence, and Olette in the morning.” 

“I didn’t know you had plans,” Lea said. “Well, hopefully you don’t run off before I get up and make some extra special pancakes with lots of whipped cream and chocolate chips and all the sweet stuff we can find in the house. You’ll be on a sugar high for weeks.” 

Xion laughed a little. “We wouldn’t miss it.” 

“Are we still going to the beach this weekend?” Roxas asked. “I’ve been saving up for the past week so we can buy lots of those big pretzels and eat until we get sick.” 

“Of course we’re still going to the beach this weekend!” Lea exclaimed. “You’ve only got a couple more weeks of summer vacation before you have to start school with your friends.” 

Roxas groaned and rolled his eyes. “Right. We have to get back to work. And I was just starting to get used to all the time off.” 

“I think it’ll be fun,” Xion said with a shrug. “We get to spend time with our friends all day.” 

“We already do that, Xion.” 

Xion rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at him, and Roxas laughed as he started to run back to the old mansion, with Xion following closely behind him and eventually pulling ahead in the race. It was incredible. They were both so young and had been through so much, carrying far more baggage than any teenager should have to carry, and yet they could still find total joy in the little things. Like running a race through the woods at three in the morning. 

“Are you okay with the beach this weekend?” Lea asked, bumping Isa with his elbow and pulling him away from his thoughts. 

“Hmm? Yes, that’s fine. I haven’t been to the beach in a long time.” 

Lea sighed, moving closer to him, his arms crossed over his chest tightly, as if he was guarding himself from something. “Are you feeling better?”

“For now, yes.” He glanced over at Lea, his eyes gliding over his face briefly. His perfectly shaped eyebrows, his beautiful green eyes that Isa still hadn’t quite placed a good descriptor with – green just wasn’t good enough. His pointed nose, the few freckles scattered across his skin from the sun. He always looked so alive, so ready for action, but up close, he could see that there were dark circles under his eyes. Right where Isa had drawn on the upside down tears for the first time so many years ago. A sudden urge to run his fingers over Lea’s skin took hold of him, and he quietly looked away, afraid that his gaze had lingered for far too long. There was very little space between them now, but he wanted to be closer.

Lea reached out for him first, his fingers grasping at wet tendrils of blue hair sticking to Isa’s face. He twirled it around his fingers, a curious, contemplative expression on his face as he brushed through tangles, and he smiled a little.

“What are you doing?” Isa asked, his voice breaking just slightly. He hoped it didn’t come off as rude or irritated, because he was far from that. He would let Lea run his fingers through his hair for days. It was such a familiar, comforting touch.

“Nothing,” Lea said. His voice sounded heavy, like he was struggling to speak, and Isa looked into his eyes again, watching as they filled with tears.

“Hey, why are you crying?” Isa asked. He let himself reach for Lea now, his thumb gently brushing away a tear as it rolled down his cheek. It felt so intimate, so personal, the two of them standing in the woods like this in the dead of night. Like they were the only two people in the world.

“Sorry, I just…never thought I would get to do this again,” Lea said, wiping away another tear. “I didn’t think we would ever get to be like this again. I’m just happy you’re home.”

Home. Maybe that was a good way to describe Lea. His eyes, the smell of him, the feel of him. All of it. Like coming home.

“Me too,” Isa said. He hesitated for just a moment, his finger still resting on Lea’s cheek, but decided he couldn’t stand the space between them any longer. He wrapped his arms around Lea’s waist and pulled him into a tight embrace as Lea buried his face in his neck and sobbed.

“You’ve always been so emotional,” Isa said as he ran his hand through Lea’s hair and traced a path down his spine. But he was crying too. It had been days, and both of them had held it together fairly well, but something about tonight really solidified that it was all over, that they could rest now.

He was home.

—————————————————

When they got back to the old mansion, he was surprised to see that Roxas’s door was open, and there was beautiful, haunting music spilling out into the foyer. He must still be up.

Lea glanced in that direction but didn’t pay much attention to it as he made his way up the stairs. “Coming back to bed?” he asked.

“Yes. I’ll be upstairs in a minute.”

“Okay. You better be up when I start cooking. I make the best pancakes.”

Isa raised an eyebrow. “We’ll see.”

“You don’t think I can cook?”

“You almost burned my house down once when you were trying to make cookies for a bake sale.”

Lea opened his mouth as if he was going to argue, but then he smiled and shook his head. “I’ll see you in a few hours.”

Isa waved to him and looked over at Roxas’s door. He knew that now would probably be as good of a time as any to say what he needed to say, but it still made his stomach twist in knots imagining what could possibly happen between the two of them. It could go very, very badly. He could already see the look on Roxas’s face, a blank, distant stare, like he would rather be anywhere in the world except talking to Isa. That’s how he looked all the time whenever they crossed paths. Or maybe he was just as unsure as Isa was, and he just didn’t know how he was supposed to act.

Still, it had to be done. He made his way across the foyer to the open door and knocked quietly to get the boy’s attention. He was sitting on his bed, a magazine opened in front of him, though it didn’t look as if he was actually reading it. The knock startled him a little, and he looked up, brushing back blonde hair out of his blue eyes. He looked exhausted, but he probably wasn’t planning on sleeping any time soon.

“Hey,” he said with a nod, then went back to his magazine. He looked far too interested in whatever he was looking at. Isa knew that it was just something for him to do, something to relieve tension so he didn’t have to meet his eyes.

“Hey,” Isa said, leaning against the door frame, arms crossed over his chest. Somehow, this seemed worse than talking to Xion. Xion had gotten angry and frustrated with everything she was put through several times, but Roxas had been downright furious for the last couple of months he was with the Organization. His hatred for Isa felt more personal.

“Did you need something?” Roxas asked, flipping a page, still not looking up. “I was about to go back to bed.”

“I won’t keep you then,” Isa said. He sighed, trying and failing to think of how to even start apologizing. Every word that cycled through his mind felt worthless and weak. The longer he stood there without saying anything, the worse he started to feel. Nauseated, dizzy. On the verge of a panic attack. This couldn’t be healthy, feeling this way all the time.

“I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry,” he said, speaking slowly. It felt like his tongue had swollen in his mouth, and every word coming out was thick and heavy. He found he couldn’t really look at Roxas now, though he knew the younger boy was looking at him. No, he had to. He forced himself to meet Roxas’s piercing gaze. The same eyes that had looked at him for nearly a year, hating him, cursing him. Probably wanting to kill him, if he’d ever gotten a good chance to.

He cleared his throat, soldiering on. “We were all lied to for a long time and manipulated into doing things we didn’t quite understand. They told me I couldn’t have my heart or my life back. Unless Kingdom Hearts was completed. I…never would have…” He paused, taking in a shaky breath. “You were the only way. I’m sorry that I treated you like you were less than human, when I was the one that had lost my humanity. I just…wanted my heart back. I wanted my friend back. And…that’s no excuse. I don’t have any excuses. I’m just sorry.”

Roxas blinked, closing the magazine and leaning back into his pillows as he yawned. His room was messy, just as messy as any other normal teenage boy’s. He had a heart, a personality. He had been able to grow one himself, all while his somebody existed somewhere else. And it had enraged Isa to the point where he could hardly think rationally. That, and Lea spending more and more time with him as he grew increasingly irritated with Isa, just made everything more difficult. At the time, it hadn’t seemed fair. But now, he really didn’t blame Lea at all for trying to find friendship with someone else. Who would want to be friends with him?

“I was mostly mad at the way you were treating Xion,” he said. “I was just mad about everything.”

“I know. You could see things as they were and I…let Xemnas and all of his plans blind me to the truth.”

Roxas frowned, his eyebrows meeting in the middle as if in deep thought. His fingers beat out a nervous rhythm against his knee. The silence swelled between the two of them.

“You could have come with us,” he finally said. “To the clock tower for ice cream.”

“Hmm.” He wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to say. Everyone in the Organization had hated him so damn much that they never really invited him to do anything. It only grew worse over the years. They could still feign bonds with one another, but he just felt hollow and alone, isolating himself more and more until he couldn’t even hold onto the one thing, the only thing, that mattered to him.

“You could have. It might have made you feel better.”

“I was too far gone, Roxas. There was no making me feel better. I don’t know if I could have felt anything at all.”

Roxas raised an eyebrow. “You felt jealousy. You said that.”

Isa sucked in a shaky breath. “Yes. I did.”

“You shouldn’t have.” Roxas looked back down at the bed, idly playing with the edge of the sheets. “I mean, you shouldn’t have been jealous. I didn’t know it at the time, but when Lea was talking to me about love and how friends still care for each other even though they’re separated, he was talking about you. He was hurting a lot, and he missed you. I could tell because even though he was happy to see us again, there was still something missing for him. And then it all just kind of clicked. He cares a lot about you. He was never trying to replace you.”

“I understand that now.” It felt like his insides had been ignited by some uncontrollable wildfire. He had talked to Roxas about love. _He missed you. He cares a lot about you._ The words echoed in his mind, growing louder and louder like the repetitive banging of a drum. All those years, and he thought Lea had grown to despise him, to never want to be around him. But they were both just moving along their own paths, bitter and isolated and hurting, missing one another and never having a clue what to do about it.

“I hate what you did, and I hated you. I hated you more than Xemnas,” Roxas said. “I hated you more than anything. I didn’t understand why you were treating me or Xion or Axel the way that you were. I didn’t understand why you were making everything so terrible and miserable all the time. I dreaded seeing your face every morning, and the only thing that got me through it was knowing I got to see my friends at the end of the day.” He turned his gaze to Isa again, his eyes cold and steely, but after a moment, he sighed, letting his shoulders slump as his expression softened. “I’m not mad anymore. I know you were fighting your own battles. I got all of my anger out. I just…wanted to protect my friends.”

“I know.” It stung, all of it, but he deserved every bit of it and more, he knew. “I’m sorry…that I made you feel that way. I lost almost every bit of myself in that castle. But…I swear to you that I’ll try every day to make up for it.”

Roxas nodded, yawning. “Thank you. It feels better, now that I’ve gotten all of that off my chest.”

“Say more if you need to. I can handle it.”

“Hmm…that’s all I’ve got for now. I should sleep. You should too. We don’t wanna miss pancakes in the morning.” He shifted in bed, sliding underneath the covers and rolling to face the door as he turned the music off. “I forgive you,” he said. “I just want to move on.”

“Me too,” Isa said.

“So I guess we’re settled then. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Roxas.”

Roxas turned his back to him, an indication that the conversation was completely over. At least for the time being. Isa still felt the weight of guilt dragging him down, but the load was a little lighter to carry now. There were still words left unspoken, wounds that needed to be mended.

But he would leave them alone for the night. Shutting the door, he made his way back upstairs to his room. It was the first peaceful sleep he’d had since his arrival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be continued. (: Sorry this chapter is so short compared to the others. Promise the next one will be long.


	7. Downpour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > This flood  
> This flood is slowly rising up  
> Swallowing the ground  
> Beneath my feet  
> Tell me how anybody thinks  
> Under this condition  
> So I'll swim I'll swim  
> As the water rises up  
> Sun is sinking down  
> And now all I can see  
> Are the planets in a row  
> Suggesting it's best that I  
> Slow down 
> 
> -"Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin
> 
> Warning: suicidal thoughts

Though it was the middle of summer, the morning air rolling off of the ocean onto the beach was brisk and cool, sending a chill across Isa’s skin. He stood just a short distance from the waves, burying his bare feet in wet sand and letting the water wash over him. He watched the push and pull of the tides pensively, listened to the steady rhythm of the water beating against the sandbar and the rocks along the beach. An overpowering sound, so in tune with the moon. Syncing up with him, creating a melody to match the beating of his heart. He felt a pull to the ocean, a connection, like they were speaking the same language, whispering secrets to one another that no one else could know. 

But it was a dangerous pull. As he stepped further down the beach, now ankle deep in the water, he started to feel sort of strange, as if the world had disappeared momentarily and it was just him and this ocean. He could only look forward. Not sideways, where the vendors were setting up for the day. Not behind him, where his friends were. He was alone. And this voice inside kept urging him forward, telling him how powerful the water truly was, if he would just let go of everything. Just keep moving forward, letting the water settle over him. He wouldn’t have anymore nightmares or remorse. He could be at peace…

 _Call of the void._ That’s what his mom’s doctor had called it. He had explained it to them just weeks before her death, when he made a house call because she couldn’t get herself out of bed. It was like when you were standing up on a high ledge, he had explained, and you were teetering on the edge, and this sudden, invasive thought popped up into your brain and told you that you could jump if you wanted to, but it’s not what you wanted to do. 

“It’s different for suicidal and non-suicidal people,” he’d said. “It happens to people who don’t have suicidal tendencies, but the difference is that they don’t act on it. It’s a common phenomenon, and most people can shake it off as if it’s nothing. However, others struggle with it. Your wife, sir,” he addressed Isa’s father, seated in his big armchair looking grim, “has major depression, and I have reason to believe that we should keep a close watch on her. At least for the time being, until we can find the proper treatment that she needs. And sir, I don’t mean to alarm you…” He dropped his voice down to a whisper so that Isa, across the room, could barely hear him. “…but this condition can be hereditary, and it’s not something to take lightly. You’ve seen how debilitating it can be. Just be mindful, and don’t ever hesitate to call me.” 

Radiant Garden, so full of light and joy, or so everyone wanted to believe. But there were people suffering in the shadows. Darkness could seep in from anywhere. 

“I’m not like her,” he told himself. 

“Like who?” A voice from beside him pulled him out of his thoughts. He realized that he was waist deep in freezing water that had not yet warmed up from the rays of the sun, and he shivered and turned to face Xion, standing next to him with her hand outstretched to him, holding a seashell. “I got this for you. Isn’t it pretty?” 

It was a spiral cone seashell, fully intact, clean and white and smooth from the waves. “It’s very pretty,” he said, “but why don’t you keep it? You collect them, don’t you?” 

“Yes, but that one’s for you.” She shrugged. “I’ll find some more today. Roxas and I are having a contest to see who can find the best one.” 

Isa took the seashell from her gingerly, examining it. He used to know the names of different types of seashells, before everything went to hell. “You could win with this one,” he said. 

“I’ll find another one,” she said. “Do you like it?” 

“I love it,” he said, and that was the truth. He hadn’t expected her to go out looking for a gift for him today. She was far too kind, and he had nothing to offer her. He’d never known this level of kindness in his life. “Have you ever found a sand dollar?”

She frowned, eyebrows knitting together in confusion. “Sand…dollar?”

“Yeah. Most of the time you can just find them in little pieces, but sometimes you can find them whole. They’re really cool. You could use one for your collection.” She smiled, and he managed a small smile as well. “We’ll beat Roxas no problem. Are your other friends not playing?”

“No. Pence and Olette just want to eat, and Hayner said he’s gonna try to build a sandcastle. I’m so happy you’re gonna help me.”

“Let’s go see what Roxas and Lea are doing really quickly. They look like they’re up to no good.”

Xion turned around and saw Roxas and Lea sitting in the middle of the beach on their towels, drinking hot chocolate from the thermoses Lea had packed. For summer, it was an unusually cool day. It was still only nine or so in the morning, and clouds were rolling in, blocking the sun and casting a gray, dismal shadow over the beach. They’d picked the wrong day for an outing, but it didn’t seem to be putting a damper on anyone’s moods.

“Hey, what are you whispering about over there?” Xion called. “You’re not supposed to be making alliances!”

“What are you doing then?” Roxas shouted, gesturing toward Isa.

“Being a nice person!”

“Maybe I’m just drinking hot chocolate and enjoying myself. Geez, why is everything a contest with you?” He smiled at her, and she laughed a little and took off running toward him. He was barely able to scramble to his feet and start to make a run for it before she was on him, shoving him playfully as they raced each other down to the water.

Isa made his way back up to where Lea was and sat down next to him. For a moment, Lea didn’t acknowledge his presence, just continued watching Roxas and Xion splashing around in the ocean, and when the other three teenagers joined them, he finally sighed and said, “Just so you know, Roxas and I aren’t plotting against you and Xion. About the seashell thing, anyway.”

“What could you possibly be plotting then?”

“Your downfall. Later today when we play volleyball.”

Isa smiled a little and picked up some sand, letting it fall through his fingers. The last time he had been to the beach was…years ago. Sometime when he was in the Organization. Lea had been there, and maybe someone else. They had been on some mission doing recon or some other meaningless task that Xemnas had given them at the time. Before he gave Saïx command over everything.

He hated that name.

“Why are you being so dramatic?” he said. “It’s just a volleyball game.”

Lea lowered his sunglasses a little and peered over them at Isa in disbelief. “You say that now, but I know how competitive you can be.” He nodded toward the seashell. “Did Xion pick that out for you?” 

“Yeah. She did.” He held it up so that Lea could look at it, his heart swelling with pride. It was precious to him, far more precious than they could ever know. It felt like the acceptance and comfort he had been missing out on for so many years and didn’t even know he craved so much until now. “This will be the first decoration in my new room.” 

“Yeah?” Lea smiled, burying his feet in the sand. “I knew you would care about her. She’s a good person. And so are you.” 

Isa sighed. Lea had always put too much faith in him, giving him more credit than he was worth. “I’m trying to be.” 

It was steadily starting to grow warmer, but clouds still rolled in, thick and gray and threatening a storm. There were only a few other people on the beach, but even they seemed to be having second thoughts about their plans for the day and were starting to retreat. The waves were growing larger, pounding angrily against the shore, and yet, Roxas and Xion and their friends kept moving further out, splashing each other and letting the waves knock them backward so they could swim out again. It was troubling, but they all seemed to be having fun, and no one appeared to be in any immediate danger. Still…

“I’m watching them,” Lea said, as if reading his thoughts. “I’ll go out there with them in a minute. It feels like being a parent. You get so worried and you just want to protect them from everything, but you have to let them live their own lives instead of hovering over them all the time.” 

“You think of yourself as a parent?” Isa asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Nah. Maybe like an older brother or a drunk uncle. Or the wine aunt. So I can still be their guardian but also be fun. You know?” 

Isa chuckled, a weird, foreign sensation that rattled through his bones and made him feel warm despite the cool rushing off of the ocean. He didn’t think he would ever laugh again, feel joy again. But he was getting there. He just needed to start letting go, cutting the strings that were still tying him to the past one at a time until he was free from all of its burdens that weighed so heavily upon his shoulders.

“Wine aunt is a good way to describe you,” he said.

“I had a wine aunt,” Lea said. “You remember her? She always had all these expensive clothes and was disappearing for months at a time but wouldn’t tell anyone what she was doing. Then she’d drop by like nothing happened, drink all the alcohol in our house, and take off again. Kinda hard to disappear in Radiant Garden, but she did it.”

“My mom used to tell me that she would marry the old men in town, wait for them to die, then take all their money.”

“That…sounds about right. She was on her sixth marriage by the time we…” He trailed off, letting out a shaky breath.

“I was thinking about my mom earlier,” Isa said, changing the subject. Still depressing, but at least they weren’t delving into the lab memories. That was the worst place they could be right now.

“Oh,” Lea murmured.

There wasn’t much else to say. She’d gone missing for several days with nothing but a note talking about how she couldn’t stand it anymore and needed to get away, and though it seemed like a suicide note, Isa and his father had hoped that it was just telling them she’d run away, and they could find her and bring her back home. They’d found her after a little over a week of the town searching, in one of the rivers on the far side of town. The doctors determined it had been about three days. So she’d wandered around on her own, feeling hopeless and lost with no one to talk to, no one to love her and help her, in her last few days of life.

“What were you thinking about?” Lea asked.

Isa sighed, tracing swirls in the sand. “How the doctors said depression can be hereditary. How I might be like her.”

They were silent for a long time. Isa watched the waves, climbing further and further up the beach in the midst of the oncoming storm. He wished that he could just cast all of his problems out into the water and let it drag them far, far away from here, into the middle of nowhere, where they would never be able to touch him again. 

No one ever talked about their problems. They were always trying to hide behind smiling faces, casting off their negative feelings as a joke. If they had just talked and felt something in his house, would they have been able to save his mom, or was her fate already sealed? And what if his fate was already written in permanent ink, and he was barreling headfirst into the same demise that she had met? 

Sometimes he couldn’t bring himself to talk, to feel. It was simply too much. And maybe that would be his downfall. 

“Just remember you’re not alone, okay?” Lea said. “We’re all here for you. You’ve got the best support group you could ask for right here. We all understand.” 

“How do you deal with it?” Isa asked. “I almost always feel like I’m drowning.”

Lea sighed. “Sometimes I can’t. But I just keep telling myself that without the bad things, we couldn’t have found some of the good. Like Roxas and Xion. We probably wouldn’t have them around. And we’d still be stuck in Radiant Garden, not knowing about other worlds, not being able to see anything else besides the small bubble we lived in. You just have to keep reminding yourself that there’s good there too, even if you can’t always see it.” 

Isa watched him for a moment, taking in all that he’d said. Lea was strong. Stronger than he ever could have imagined, and putting him through all that hell had made him that way. But was it all worth it? And why was it that Isa came out of all of this feeling far weaker than he’d ever felt in his life? They had been through much of the same trauma for a long time, but one of them grew, and the other just crumbled underneath the weight of it all. 

Maybe it was because Lea had fought for his life back, fought for what was right, rather than letting it all consume him. 

“It’s a damn shame that the sun isn’t out,” Lea said. “You look really nice with a tan.” 

Isa nearly choked, unsure of how he was supposed to even take that. It was just a compliment, but still, he felt the heat rushing to his cheeks, and he quickly turned his face away so that maybe Lea wouldn’t notice. He felt like he was being dreadfully obvious though, and Lea could probably see, no problem, that he had left him flustered and struggling for words. _Thank you._ That’s all he had to say. But instead some sort of strangled noise came out of him, and he couldn’t even meet Lea’s eyes anymore knowing damn well how foolish he looked. 

It was just a compliment. But it was the tone of his voice. He recognized it from Radiant Garden, and even from the first few years with the Organization, how he dropped his voice into a sultry whisper, like a purring cat. Words meant for only the two of them. Soft murmurs in the corridors, gentle kisses after hours when everyone else was asleep. He was flirting, damn it, and Isa didn’t even know how to flirt back anymore. 

A scream saved him. Not a scream of terror, but one of delight, and he looked up just in time to see all of the teenagers running their way, kicking up sand and laughing and jumping and nudging one another as they raced. Roxas had something cupped in his hands, and all of them had this mischievous twinkle in their eyes, like when you knew something that someone else didn’t. Xion slid right in between Isa and Lea, spraying sand all over them and all over the towels, but the itchy, gritty feeling didn’t seem to bother her even slightly. Roxas stopped right beside Lea, nearly tripping over himself and unable to contain his excitement. The others stood behind him, watching with wonder. 

“Hold out your hand,” Roxas said. 

Lea raised an eyebrow, hesitantly doing as Roxas asked. Roxas placed his hands over Lea’s and let go of a tiny and very furious looking sand crab. They all laughed as it quickly scurried up Lea’s arm and eventually jumped back down into the sand, burrowing into a little hole and disappearing. It was as if this was the most amusing thing in the world to them, all of them finding so much joy and wonderment in little things, little mundane moments like these that they would etch in their memories forever. 

“We found him close to the water,” Xion said. “We’d never seen one before.” 

“They’re easier to find at night,” Hayner told her. “You need a flashlight and a bucket. You can catch tons of them. And sometimes they’re pretty big.” 

“I’m gonna go look for more!” Olette exclaimed as she separated from the group, followed by Hayner, who quickly caught up to her and tackled her from behind, dragging her down into the sand in a fit of giggles. 

Isa saw himself and Lea for just a moment, sixteen years old with no hearts and not having a damn clue what they were doing, just chasing each other around on a beach in some world they didn’t even bother to learn the name of while Dilan yelled at them from somewhere, trying to get them to calm down. All they had wanted was to feel something, and Isa’s memories had been just enough to make him believe he felt that burst of familiarity, of comfort, of joy that he always felt whenever he was around Lea. 

He had been laughing, he remembered. Laughing because it was something he felt like he should be doing rather than something he actually felt like doing. And when Lea had grabbed him by the waist, dragging him down to the ground and pinning him down as he straddled him, looking down upon him with that sly glint in his eyes, he felt nothing. No matter how desperately bad he wanted to feel something, he couldn’t. 

He wondered if Lea could, at the time. Probably not. They were all just working on memories. And he wondered what Lea saw, looking down upon him. A cold, unfeeling gaze. Eyes that didn’t belong to him. A person he barely recognized anymore, someone he was trying with all his might to hold on to. Someone he could feel slipping further away with each passing minute. 

Damn it. Why couldn’t he just let it all go and enjoy himself at the beach? 

“I’m gonna go get us some pretzels,” Roxas said. 

“I’ll come with you!” Pence exclaimed. “I want some nachos too.” 

“Can we please stay until tonight so we can find lots of sand crabs?” Xion begged, poking her lower lip out in a pout as she grabbed Lea’s arm. “Please please please?” 

“It looks like it’s gonna storm, Xion,” Lea said. “They won’t come out if it’s storming.” 

“Oh.” She frowned, her shoulders slumping a little. “Okay then.” 

Lea sighed and ruffled her hair a little bit. “But we’ll stay as long as you want to, okay? The sun’ll come out eventually. Then we can play volleyball.” 

“We can play in the rain too!” 

“That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, and I’m one hundred percent here for it. You’re right. Pick your team and get ready to lose.” He smirked at her, and she laughed. 

“What if I wanted to be on your team?” she asked. 

“Good choice, since it’s the winning team.” 

“Hmph.” Xion crossed her arms over her chest and blew a strand of hair out of her face. “No, I’ll form my own team. Isa, wanna be on my team?”

“Oh uh…” He really hadn’t expected for him to be first choice for anything. “Okay. Yes.”

“Good! And I get Roxas too!”

“Hey!” Lea exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger in her face. “That is not how this works, ma'am. You got your choice, and now I get to choose.”

Xion tried her hardest to look fierce and competitive, but there was a smile breaking through her features. For a moment, Isa half expected her to discard him and take Roxas instead, but then she huffed and said, “Fine! Take Roxas. I want Olette.”

“I’ll take Hayner.”

“And I’ll take Pence.”

“See you on the battlefield. Ten minutes.”

“Hope you’re prepared to lose.”

“I never lose.”

“Then get ready for me to make history, because you’re going down. Come on, Isa.”

She grabbed his hand and was pulling him to his feet before he could even process what was going on. She was smiling now, her eyes lighting up as she skipped across the beach toward Olette, dragging Isa along with her. He looked over his shoulder at Lea, who was watching them with a smile on his face, and he felt, for just a moment, like the jumbled puzzle pieces of his life were finally starting to click into place and form a picture.

 _Family._ That’s what Xion had called them. Isa wasn’t sure if he was at that point just yet, but he could feel it. They could be a family. An unconventional, messy family. It would take some time, though.

“Olette!” Xion exclaimed. “We’re destroying Lea, Roxas, and Hayner. Come join us!”

The other girl looked up at her, breathless from running, and smiled. “Cool. Sounds fun.” Her eyes glided over Isa for a moment, studying him, and she smiled. “Let’s go get Pence and eat first. I’m starving.”

“You shouldn’t eat before we play,” Isa said. “You’ll make yourself sick.”

Olette frowned at him, and Isa was struck with a sudden, horrendous realization that he sounded like a parent. It wasn’t something that he had expected to come spilling out of his mouth, and yet, here he was, sounding just like his mother when she used to take him and Lea to the lake. Next, he’d be telling them to wait half an hour before they got back in the water after they ate.

“The nachos on the boardwalk are worth it though,” Olette said. “Come on.”

—————————————————

He sat with Xion, Olette, and Pence on a bench on the boardwalk while they ate. Roxas had brought them all pretzels, and Xion had finished hers and gone to get sea salt ice cream, while Pence and Olette had four orders of nachos spread out between the two of them. It felt strange, sitting there with just the three of them while Xion tried and failed to talk strategy to the others, who really just seemed interested in their snacks. He didn’t know how to exist around them without Lea being around too. Pence kept looking up at him, eyes wide with questions that he surely wanted to ask, but he never said anything. Olette mostly ignored him. And Xion…Xion was just too nice about everything.

He looked up at the sky, completely covered in storm clouds now. Somewhere in the distance, thunder rumbled. There was hardly anyone left on the boardwalk. Even some of the food vendors were starting to pack up and go home.

“Hey, can I ask you guys a question?” Olette said between bites of her nachos.

“You just did,” Pence said.

She rolled her eyes and nudged him playfully, and he laughed. “Do you think that Hayner likes me?”

Xion frowned. Her ice cream was melting, dripping onto her legs. She didn’t seem to notice. “Yeah, of course he does. You’re friends.”

“I mean like…likes likes me.”

“I…don’t know what that means. Like a best friend?”

Olette and Pence looked up at her, confused by Xion’s confusion, but eventually, Olette shrugged and smiled at her. “No, like a crush. Like a boyfriend and girlfriend type thing.”

“Like Roxas and I are boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“What!?” Olette and Pence exclaimed at the same time.

Isa glanced over at Xion, who was completely bewildered and startled by her friends’ behavior. She shrunk up, tense, drawing into herself, a frown on her face as her eyes darted back and forth between the two of them, filled with worry as she tried to piece together what was happening and where she had gone wrong. It had never occurred to him that, while she looked like a teenager and acted like a teenager, she had not exactly grown up like a conventional teenager, and therefore she was lacking in experience and knowledge that others her age were filled with.

“You didn’t tell me you guys were dating! Why didn’t you tell me that?” Olette said.

“D-dating?” Xion questioned.

Isa ran a hand over his face, trying to separate himself from the conversation. This was the worst. It didn’t feel like his responsibility to have to deal with all of this, but he was here, and Xion would probably have questions. And since he was the adult, and he was the only one that was right here, he would be tasked with any explanations that she wanted.

Once again, he felt as if he was having to step into the parent role. Damn it. He didn’t expect this today.

“Xion, dating is like when you go out and you do fun things like watch a movie or go get ice cream or…or –”

Xion raised an eyebrow. “So like what we’re doing now?”

“Well, yeah. But friends do that. Dating is like…holding hands and kissing and stuff,” Olette said.

“But –”

“Time for volleyball,” Isa said. He knew that they were just seconds away from delving into a deeper conversation that he most certainly didn’t want to be a part of. It was definitely not something he wanted to discuss with Xion on a beach day, and he definitely didn’t want Pence and Olette there if for some reason he did have to start explaining some things.

“But we’re not done with our nachos,” Olette protested.

“Storm is coming. We have to hurry. Don’t you wanna kick Hayner’s ass in volleyball?”

Olette’s eyes widened slightly, and she smirked and nodded. “Yeah, okay. Let’s go.”

She discarded what was left of their food, and she and Pence took off down the boardwalk toward the volleyball net, which was blowing violently in the wind. Roxas, Lea, and Hayner had been practicing, while Xion’s team had been over here stuffing their faces.

“So is that like what happens when you’re more than best friends?” Xion asked as she got up and started walking slowly down the boardwalk, shivering against the wind. She still looked troubled. “What’s better than best friends?”

“It’s not really better than best friends,” Isa said, hurrying to catch up to her. “It’s different. There are a lot of things that people who are dating do that best friends don’t do. But they’re both good.”

Xion stopped for a second, her lips parting just slightly with a question, and he found himself dreading whatever it might be. He might have trapped himself in the uncomfortable discussion he was trying so hard to avoid.

“Like kissing and stuff?” Xion finally asked. “Like how…I wouldn’t really kiss Hayner, but he’s still one of my best friends. He’s just not a boyfriend.”

“Right.”

“Oh.” She bit her bottom lip, staring off to the distance, still deep in thought as she crossed her arms over her chest and shivered again. Thunder rumbled. It really didn’t seem like a good time to be playing volleyball.

“Xion! Hurry up!” Roxas called from the beach. His voice was barely audible over the wind.

“Yeah! We have to beat you!” Hayner exclaimed.

Xion turned away, ignoring them, and gazed up at Isa. “Did you and Lea ever date?” she asked.

It felt like she had punched him in the chest and knocked all of the breath out of him. They were family now, she had told him. He was supposed to be there for her on the good days and the bad days. They were supposed to talk. They were supposed to heal together. He had been mentally preparing himself for several minutes of how to explain to her about romantic relationships, but she had taken a completely different route with their discussion. A route he wasn’t quite sure he wanted to go down.

“No,” he answered. He couldn’t even look her in the eye. “Not really.”

 _Had_ they dated? That’s basically what they had been doing, wasn’t it? They spent just about every waking moment together. They kissed and held hands all the time, and several times both of them had tried to initiate something more physical, only to stop themselves out of fear or guilt or…something. It never seemed right. They shared their souls with one another. He had exposed himself to Lea in ways that he could never imagine doing with anyone else. They used to know each other, inside and out, all the good things and all of the ugly bits too. They weren’t there anymore. They would have to relearn.

But maybe they _were_ dating. They just never put a label on it. They didn’t really need to. It didn’t matter what everyone else thought they were, because they already knew.

“Have you ever dated anyone?” Xion asked.

“No. I mean…” He shook his head and sighed. A soft, gentle rain was coming down now. “We probably won’t be playing volleyball today.”

Xion shrugged. “That’s okay. I still had a fun time. We can come back again next weekend! The sun will be out, and we can stay all day and look for sand crabs and seashells.”

She took off running down the beach toward the others, who had finally come to the same realization and were starting to pack up their things. Isa looked up at the sky, watching the flashes of lightning tear through the clouds. 

_“Do you feel anything?” Lea slipped his hand into Isa’s, gently guiding him through the tall grass of a meadow in whatever world they were traversing._

_“It’s warm. And the grass is kind of tickling me.”_

_“That’s not what I mean.”_

_Isa sighed. “You know I can’t. Can you?”_

_Lea hesitated, then stepped forward and placed a soft kiss in between Isa’s eyes, right on the scar. He shook his head. “I want to…”_

_“Me too.”_

_They felt like hollow, meaningless words._

“Ready to go?” Lea asked. 

His presence startled Isa out of his thoughts, and he looked to see that all of them had made it to the boardwalk where he was still standing. The rain was coming down harder now. They were the only ones left on the beach. 

“Yeah. Hang on just a second.” Isa dug through the bag that Lea was holding until he found his jacket, then draped it over Xion’s shoulders. She was still standing there in nothing but her swimsuit, shivering against the wind, her teeth chattering. “You’re going to freeze,” he said. 

Xion looked up at him, confused at first, but then she smiled and slid her arms into the sleeves, pulling the jacket close around her. “Thank you.” 

“Hey, I’ll race you guys to the train!” Hayner exclaimed. “Last one there has to buy the ice cream at sunset.” 

No one even counted them down. They all just took off running, leaving Hayner standing by himself for just a moment before racing after them. Xion and Roxas were in the lead, it seemed, but it was hard to tell because they were all mostly just running alongside each other, enjoying their time together instead of actually trying to win. 

“Feel like a parent yet?” Lea asked. 

Isa rolled his eyes. He found himself worrying that one of the kids might slip and fall, but he stopped himself quickly. He wasn’t sure how he had gotten to this point in such a short span of time. “Guardian, maybe. Authority figure. Not a parent.” 

Lea nudged him in the side and smiled. “It’s okay. They can have two wine aunts.” 

Isa laughed a little, but his heart wasn’t in it. His mind was back in the past. Luckily, it was just the conversation he’d had with Xion a few minutes before and not something drastic that might paralyze him with panic. He didn’t want to ask; it might cause an uncomfortable rift between the two of them. But the question weighed heavily on him, and he knew that he should ask. He wanted to know the answer. 

“Lea, did we used to date?” 

“What?” He could see that the question took him off guard just as much as it did when Xion had asked him earlier. He stood there tensely for just a moment, silence swelling between the two of them, and Isa worried that maybe he had overstepped his boundaries, that he had made another crack in their already unsteady foundation they were standing on. But then Lea chuckled, running a hand through his hair nervously, and said, “Yeah? I mean, I thought that’s what we were doing. Was it not?” 

“I…wasn’t sure.” 

“Oh.” Lea chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, staring down at the boardwalk, and Isa sighed, knowing he had screwed up somehow, but he honestly hadn’t been sure. If it had been up to him to put a label on it, then yes, he would have said that they were dating. But it hadn’t just been up to him. 

“It doesn’t matter, does it?” he said. “I mean…we were what we were, right?” 

“Right, yeah,” Lea said. He was shuffling his feet, still not looking at Isa. Shit. He’d messed up. He shouldn’t have even said anything. 

“So Xion’s talking about dating then?” Lea asked after a few minutes of walking in silence. His tone seemed lighter, and he seemed to have relaxed a little. 

“Yes. She referred to herself and Roxas as boyfriend and girlfriend, but she didn’t understand what that meant,” Isa said. “I tried to explain to her, but I didn’t go into much detail.” 

“Guess that means we’ll have to have a talk with them soon. Then it’ll really feel like we’re parents, huh?” 

Isa didn’t respond. His mind was a million miles away, worrying what he might have done to mess everything up and if he needed to apologize for it. Lea didn’t seem upset anymore, and he wasn’t even sure if he actually upset him in the first place, but he had acted like it bothered him. He should say something. Or maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe he should just let it go…

“Sorry I’m an oblivious asshole and didn’t know we were dating,” he said. “I mean, I had hoped we were, but I just wasn’t sure.” 

Lea shrugged. “It’s fine. Guess we never said so.” 

Isa let out a breath. It didn’t feel like he had resolved anything. “I’m sorry.” 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m not mad or anything. I just…wish we would have done some things differently, you know?” 

That was the feeling that constantly plagued him, the desire to go back in time and fix every little thing that he had messed up. Oftentimes he would lie awake at night, thinking exactly what he would do to resolve each and every thing he remembered doing, each offense he’d committed against the people who now considered him family. 

Why did they consider him family? 

“Yeah, I know. Me too.” 

———————————————————————————————————–

When they got home, Isa took the seashell out of his pocket and placed it on his nightstand. There was nothing noteworthy about his room. It was bleak and dreary, with white walls and white sheets. Nothing hanging on the wall. No personality. Like a hospital. Or a funeral home. Or the Castle That Never Was. 

But the seashell added just the slightest touch of personality, of warmth. Of life. They gave him life. Xion, Roxas. Lea. They made him feel welcome and loved, even when he knew that he did not deserve it. 

Why did they consider him family? He wasn’t sure, but he was glad they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song I used for the beginning is my favorite song ever ahh! 
> 
> To be continued (:


	8. One Good Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > "Feel like I'm back on the playground  
> Roses in my hands now  
> Hearts about to jump out my chest  
> Tried to tell you what it feels like  
> Nothing ever sounds right  
> Words become permanent" 
> 
> -"Head Over Feeling" by Taylor Mathews
> 
> Warning: triggering a panic attack

_“Okay, so this line on your hand means that you’re gonna live a long and happy life, but you’re gonna go through some hard times really soon.”_

_“What?!”_

_“Aaaaaand…this one means that you’re gonna get married, but you’ll get divorced and then married again.”_

_“I don’t think you’re doing this right.”_

_“And this one tells me that you lied about something recently, and if you don’t confess you’re gonna run into some major trouble.”_

_Lea jerked his hand away from Isa, glaring at him as his mouth turned up into a little smirk. “You can’t tell all that from someone’s hand! You can’t read palms, can you?”_

_Isa laughed, taking Lea’s hand in his own again and kissing each one of his fingertips. “No, but you believed me for a minute.” He studied the lines on Lea’s palm, running his fingers gently over each one, trying to memorize every detail of him. He seemed so much more complex than anyone else, every bit of him beautiful and unpredictable and interesting. Isa could study him all day, fascinated by the littlest of things about him._

_“Mmm…this one right here tells me that you want to go to the school dance this Friday, but you don’t have a date,” he said. “And this one right here…” He pointed to a random line on his own palm, then interlocked their fingers, holding Lea’s hand against his burning cheek. “This one says that even though I really hate social gatherings, I’m supposed to be the one to take you.”_

_Lea flushed, every inch of his face turning red almost immediately. Isa smirked, always pleased with himself when he could be the one to catch Lea off guard instead of the other way around. He had to relish in the moment; they were so rare._

_“You’re asking if you can take me to the dance?” Lea wondered, his voice quivering just slightly._

_Isa nodded. “Yeah. If that’s okay.”_

_“Did you make up all this palmistry bullshit just so you could ask me to the dance?”_

_“No. It just kind of happened along the way. I knew you wanted to go. So let’s go.”_

_Lea scowled, but there was a glimmer in his eyes that let Isa knew he wasn’t actually angry. “You’re corny as hell.”_

_“You’re blushing.”_

_“So are you! Shut up!” Lea wrinkled his nose and turned his face away, trying to hide the fact that his face had gotten redder._

_Isa giggled, unable to contain the joy bubbling up and spilling out of him. He sounded like a child, but he didn’t care. He’d gotten exactly the reaction he was hoping for. “So is that a yes then?”_

_“Hmm…depends.” He took Isa’s hand in his own, carefully running gentle fingers over the lines on his palm. Isa felt a chill rush down his spine, and he shivered, moving closer to Lea’s warmth. He could always make him turn into a damn puddle at the simplest of touches. “Are you gonna get me flowers? Wear a suit that matches my eyes? Let my mom take stupid pictures of us while you promise my dad you’ll have me home by ten?”_

_Isa rolled his eyes, shoving Lea hard enough that he toppled over to the side, laughing. “Shut the fuck up. If you’re gonna make this weird, then we just won’t go.”_

_“Okay, okay. Sorry.” Lea grinned, taking Isa’s hand again. “Just the suit that matches my eyes then.”_

_“Mmm. Fine. If that’s what it takes.”_

_“Okay. So let me read your palm then.”_

_“Okay.” Isa watched as Lea studied his hand, his tongue poking out just a little as he thought, his fingers brushing over the lines on his palm. His breath caught in his throat as he watched him, trying to anticipate what sort of thing Lea might say that would send his heart soaring. He knew it would be something. If he could anticipate it, maybe it would have less of an effect on him. He always felt like he was the one that acted like a lovesick, smitten fool, while Lea managed to at least pretend to be calm and collected. Maybe that was just his own insecurities talking, though._

_“Hmm.” Lea pursed his lips, looking up into Isa’s eyes, and shrugged. “Kinda hard to tell, but I think it says…that you’re a little bitch.”_

_Isa let out the breath he’d been holding and covered his face with his hands, groaning. “Shut the fuck up.”_

_“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” Lea said with a chuckle. “You were expecting me to say something nice. I gotta throw in some insults every once in a while. Can’t have you falling in love with me or something.” He winked._

_Isa sighed. That was too damn bad, because that had already happened. A long, long time ago. But he would never say it. He couldn’t. Unless Lea said it first._

_“No, what it really says is that I’ll accept your invitation to the dance,” Lea said, “but I won’t accept until tomorrow at sunset.”_

_Isa rolled his eyes and blew a strand of hair out of his face. “You’re such a pain. You know that, right?”_

_“You wouldn’t like me as much if I wasn’t.”_

_He swooped in so suddenly that Isa barely had any time to react before he was capturing his lips in a rough kiss, far rougher than anything they’d done in the past. It was almost animalistic. And Isa couldn’t resist himself, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms around Lea’s neck as he moved closer to him, practically dragging himself into his lap. He broke away for just a brief second, catching his breath, and placed a soft kiss on Lea’s jawline, the corner of his mouth, and his nose, before Lea pressed his lips into Isa’s again. Hungrily, as if they’d never done this before._

_This was familiar, ordinary. For now. But Isa could feel them moving into unfamiliar territory. Dangerous territory. Spiraling downward, headfirst into something they could not return from. Something that would change them forever. And he wasn’t sure that he wanted to stop._

_“Isa,” Lea breathed against his neck, warm, halfway between a moan and a growl. His arms found their way around Isa’s waist as he collapsed onto his back on the ground, dragging Isa on top of him._

_“We’re in public,” Isa said, closing his eyes and pulling away from him, forcing himself to breathe in and breathe out to calm his rapidly beating heart and this new, strong sensation racing through his bones. Desire. He was barely even thinking straight. He needed to focus, to rationalize._

_“It’s midnight. No one’s gonna see us.”_

_His hands were tracing patterns along Isa’s smooth stomach, igniting a fire within him that he wasn’t sure he could put out._

_Three days from now, they were going into the castle. Their plans were set. Everything was going to work out. They would have all their information, and then Friday, they would go to that stupid dance._

_So why did it feel, in this very moment, as if they were standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down at their own demise? It felt like their lives were ending, as if this was the only chance they would get to be like this ever again._

_“Isa,” Lea whimpered, his hand resting on the inside of his thigh._

_Isa looked down at him, his eyes barely able to focus, his mind a thousand miles away. He could feel it, thrumming deep inside of him like a war drum. The impending doom. He couldn’t help but feel like it was making him act irresponsibly, irrationally. This wasn’t the right time. He knew it. But what if it was the only chance they got?_

_“Do you feel it?” he asked, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears._

_Lea shifted underneath him, pushing himself up onto his elbows. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just want you.”_

_Isa sighed, running a hand over his face. God, he felt like such an idiot. They both wanted this. But he knew he wasn’t in the right mindset. He wouldn’t be until after they got all of their answers._

_“It’s not the right time,” he said._

_Lea nodded, wiggling out from underneath him and sitting up on his knees so that they were face-to-face with one another again. “We’ll know when it is, I guess. Sorry. I get carried away sometimes. You’re just really cute, and I don’t know how to handle it.”_

_Isa rolled his eyes. “Shut up.”_

_Lea threw his hands up in defeat. “I can’t win. I call you a bitch, you get mad. I tell you you’re cute, you get mad. And you tell me_ I’m _the pain.”_

_Isa shook his head, rubbing his nose against Lea’s and kissing him again. A soft, brisk kiss. Nothing to get either of them too excited._

_Why did he feel like he was saying goodbye?_

_They sat in silence for a while underneath the stars, nothing but the sound of the fountain behind them to keep them company. Isa closed his eyes, touching his forehead to Lea’s, and forced himself to breathe against the heavy weight that felt like it was choking him. He could feel something coming, some sort of darkness seeping in, and it frightened him. Even more so because he was the only one that felt it._

_“Isa?”_

_“Hmm?”_

_“Dance with me.”_

_He opened his eyes, taking a shaky breath, and moved away from Lea. He could feel his face burning red hot again, and he placed his cool hands onto his cheeks, trying to calm down._

_“I can’t dance,” he said._

_“Well, I guess that means we need to practice. You know, since you’re taking me to the dance.”_

_“…I didn’t know you actually wanted to dance. I thought we were just going to socialize.”_

_“Who goes to a dance and doesn’t dance? Come on.”_

_He grabbed Isa’s hand, hauling him to his feet against his own will, and he stumbled right into Lea’s arms. Right where he wanted to be. He hummed contentedly, wrapping his arms around Lea’s waist and burying his face in his neck, breathing in the scent of him. He was just slightly shorter than Lea at the moment, but Lea loved to lord it over him like he had accomplished some grand feat that Isa could not quite figure out how to do himself. He always just rolled his eyes and brushed it off, but when he went home every night, he always measured himself to see if he was growing. Then he could be the one to mercilessly brag about something that didn’t even matter._

_“You’re clingy,” Lea said with a chuckle that rumbled through his chest, traveling through Isa’s bones and warming him against the cool wind that was starting to blow. Lea pressed a soft kiss on the top of his head, and he squeezed his eyes shut, overcome suddenly with so much love and affection that he thought it might swallow him. He didn’t want to move. He just wanted to stand here like this for the rest of the night. For the rest of their lives. Never letting go._

_“You don’t mind it,” Isa mumbled against his skin._

_“No, I don’t. But I wanna dance with you right now. Come on.” He carefully intertwined his fingers with Isa’s and guided him up to wrap his arms around his neck. He then wrapped his own arms around Isa’s waist, drawing him closer to him. “And then you just sway.”_

_“But there’s no music.”_

_“Just pretend.”_

_He swallowed the lump that was rising in his throat and forced himself to look up into Lea’s eyes as they moved in time to the sound of a nonexistent song. Or maybe it did exist. It was just a song only their hearts could hear. The stars twinkled within his eyes, and the moonlight shone down on him, bathing him in a beautiful, pale glow that made him look almost ethereal. He was looking at Isa with so much adoration in his eyes that Isa thought he might cry, his heart swelling so much it might as well burst and his lips parting and almost letting an “I love you” tumble forth between the two of them. But he stopped himself. He always stopped himself._

_“Okay, one…two…three, and dip.” Lea dipped Isa backward, catching him completely off guard even though he had warned him what he was doing. He felt his legs nearly give out, one of his feet leaving the ground, and he shook, unbalanced, almost certain that he was going to bust his ass on the concrete, but Lea had him in a firm grip, keeping him afloat as he leaned forward and placed a kiss at the base of his throat. Isa let out a low, involuntary whimpering sound, and Lea smirked and pulled him back to his feet so that they were facing each other again._

_He closed his eyes, resting his forehead against Lea’s again and trying to calm himself down. The blood rushing through his veins was loud and fast. He could hear it, banging in his ears like the sound of a train rattling through town on old metal tracks. He wanted Lea so badly that it hurt. It was taking every bit of his willpower to not just hand himself over, completely vulnerable in this moment. But he managed to fight it. He shut it down. He would continue to shut it down until he felt like they were safe. Like they could rest._

_Maybe Friday, after the dance. He would hand every ounce of himself that he could offer over to Lea. And everything would change._

_Or maybe, if they were lucky, everything would stay exactly the same._

_“Here.” Lea parted from Isa for just a brief moment, and he felt cold and empty, all of the warmth and comfort leaving his body. Lea picked a flower from the small flower bed that someone had planted in front of the fountain – a small, light blue flower, a forget-me-not – and placed it behind Isa’s ear as he brushed some of his messy hair out of his eyes and placed a kiss on his forehead._

_“You’re so pretty, Isa,” he whispered, his expression soft as his thumb traced its way down his jawline. “You’re so pretty.”_

_You’re so pretty, Isa…_

“It’s so pretty, Isa!” The gleeful exclamation of the girl at his elbow drew him from his thoughts, and he looked down at her as she smiled, pointing at the midnight blue square he had painted on the white wall of his bedroom. “Definitely that one! It suits you.” 

Isa shook his head, for a moment forgetting what he was doing and where he was, but then his eyes focused on the paint, and he realized that they’d all gathered in his room to help him decorate. What little furniture he had in there was moved, and there were plastic sheets lying everywhere on the floor in case they spilled the paint. They had two full buckets, and Roxas and Lea had already opened one and were slinging green paint at one another. 

“Hmm…” Isa stared at the two squares they’d painted – one a deep, royal blue and the other a bright, emerald green – and he nodded. “I think you’re right.” 

“I don’t even know why green was ever an option,” Lea said, popping up beside him suddenly and flicking his wet paintbrush to the side, splattering it all over Isa’s arm. “Oops.” 

“Not everything has to be blue,” Isa said. “Perhaps I wanted a choice.” 

“…and you chose blue again. Look, it just means we got a whole bucket of paint we gotta do something with, and…” He shrugged, flinging it backward and sending a spray across Roxas’s face. “I think we found something we can do.” 

He looked completely ridiculous, as if someone had taken a paint gun and just fired off random shots at him. There was green in his hair, green all over his cheeks and forehead, green on his arms, green all over his clothes. They had even managed to splatter green all over the opposite wall from where Isa and Xion had been standing and had left a trail of it across the floor. Good thing Isa had thought about preparing for this sort of catastrophe before they started. 

“I wanna play!” Xion exclaimed, grabbing an unused paintbrush from their pile and dipping it into the green paint. She started for Roxas, but he dodged her, rolling onto the ground, and got back to his feet. In one swift motion, he was on her, smearing a long streak down the left side of her face and down her neck, and she squealed in delight and thrust her arm outward, catching the top of his head and streaking his blonde hair with more green. 

Green, green, green. Everywhere was green. The color of it was almost too much. Isa wasn’t sure why he had picked it out, knowing well enough that he would prefer his room to mimic the colors of the night sky. He touched the splatter of paint that Lea had left on his arm. Still wet. He smeared it across his skin, leaving a thin line from his elbow to his wrist. 

“Isa!” The sharp cry that came from Lea was enough to startle him, and he looked up quickly only to be met with a paintbrush jabbed right into his cheek. It was cold and wet, and he could feel it running down toward his chin. He wiped at it a little and looked down at his fingers, stained green, then flicked his gaze up to Lea, who was starting to back away from him, pursing his lips to try to hide a smile. 

“You want me to play?” Isa asked, raising an eyebrow. He could feel a smile tugging at his lips. “I’ll play.” He reached out, grabbing Lea’s wrist and dragging him close to him again as he smeared the still-wet paint from his fingers across Lea’s face. He heard the very audible and offended gasp from his friend, saw the paintbrush coming back at him from the corner of his eye, and he dodged before he could receive the counterattack and grabbed his own brush, plunging it into the paint can and tossing it across the room like a flying disc toward Xion. She screamed again, catching it just before it smacked into her belly, and a wicked grin spread across her face. It was almost intimidating. She was too soft, too kind, but now she looked ready for the kill. 

“Shouldn’t have done that,” she said, paint dripping down her arms as she rushed at him, and he dodged just in time, only to be met with a jab from Roxas on his side and Lea from behind. He had discarded the paintbrushes and was just running his soaking, painted hands through Isa’s hair. Xion threw her head back and laughed, a full-body movement that caused her to drop her weapons to the ground, and Isa stood in utter disbelief, feeling the cold seeping onto the back of his neck as he turned to face Lea, standing there with the stupidest, _cutest_ smirk on his face and his hands dripping paint all over the floor. 

“Fuck,” he said underneath his breath, trying not to sound as flustered as he thought he surely looked. For just the briefest second, Lea’s hands had grazed his shoulders – lingering, he thought – and it had sent a jolt of electricity racing through his bones equivalent to one of Larxene’s attacks. Or worse. And with him standing there like that, sunlight filtering in and shining on his messy, flushed face, a twinkle of mischief in his eyes, his lean body poised like a cat ready to strike…

All Isa wanted to do was pull him into his arms and kiss him for as long as he would let him. He wanted to run his hands through Lea’s messy, tangled hair while Lea’s gentle fingers glided over his smooth, bare skin, leaving a fire in the wake of everywhere that he touched. It would be chaotic and so, so messy with all that paint, but he didn’t care. Lea could paint him all over, a mark for every inch of him that he had touched, and God, he wanted his hands on every inch of his body. 

He realized for a second that he had not been breathing, staring at Lea in wonder and (surely) obvious desire, and he forced himself to inhale, feeling the cool air rush into his weary lungs. The world seemed like it was standing still. 

“What are you gonna do about it?” Lea quirked an eyebrow at him, and Isa felt like all of his blood had rushed into his cheeks and into… other parts of him. There was that low, suggestive purr he had used at the beach the other day. The same one he’d used in Radiant Garden. The same one he’d used in the Organization. A challenge. A tease. Was he feeling the same tension between the two of them? It seemed impossible. 

“Get him!” Xion cheered from across the room, bringing him down from his dizzying high. 

“I’ll show you what I’m going to do,” Isa said. He grabbed the half-full can of green paint sitting out in the middle of the room, and as he turned back to Lea, watching as his eyes widened in realization, he felt a rush of excitement race through him. Of joy, even. Delight. The same way he’d felt in Radiant Garden. A feeling he thought was all but gone from him. 

“Isa, don’t,” Lea said, holding his hands up in defense, backed against the wall. “Isa…” He was smiling. 

Isa shrugged. “All’s fair in war.” 

“Love and war! All’s fair in _love_ and war! Focus on the love. Be nice to me!” 

Isa tilted the bucket, letting green paint rain down on Lea, coating his hair, his face, his arms, every inch of him. All green. A puddle collected on the floor. Paint splattered all over the wall, leaving a vaguely human shaped portrait against the white where Lea had been standing. 

“Ahh! You look like a swamp monster!” Xion exclaimed, giggling. 

Roxas took the opportunity to grab some of the excess that had pooled on the ground, and he took off running after Xion, leaving a messy trail of footprints in his wake as she cried out and their laughter echoed all around the room, enveloping the house in the kind of warmth that only a family – a family that cared for one another – could provide. 

“I hate you so fucking much,” Lea said, chuckling as he wiped the paint from his face and smeared it across Isa’s arms and cheeks. 

Isa shrugged, the corner of his mouth turning up into a smile. “You look like less of a swamp monster now.” 

They stood there for a moment, green paint dripping off of every one of Lea’s limbs, like the drooping leaves of a weeping willow tree. Isa took a step closer to him, feeling as if there was some sort of magnetic pull, some sort of necessity, and he needed to be as close to Lea as he would allow. He wanted to swipe his thumb across Lea’s bottom lip, wiping away the green just below it, and kiss him hard and long and let the paint get all over his face and hands as he explored his body. He wanted to slam him up against the wall and feel the friction of their bodies rubbing against one another, refamiliarizing themselves with each other. And God, the paint – the paint – it made it so much better, dragging this lustful desire out of him that he hadn’t felt in years.

He found himself reaching out, unable to stop himself, but Roxas’s voice broke through the haze of his mind, bringing him back down to reality.

“We’re out of paint,” he said.

“Open the other can,” Isa told him.

“But…we’re supposed to be painting your room –”

“We can do that later.”

Lea let out a breath in front of him. His expression was soft, his arms crossed over his chest in a guarded sort of way. The metallic clang of the lid being pulled off the other can of paint rang through the room, and soon, Roxas and Xion were upon them, throwing dark blue paint all over them, all over the walls. It was a damn mess.

He forced himself away from Lea, knowing that if he didn’t, he was going to say or do something that he would regret. Those feelings were gone. Those times were gone. They were not _IsaandLea_ anymore; they were just Isa and Lea. Two people living in the same house, trying to find a normal that they had been robbed of. They were friends, maybe. But that was it.

There was an all-out war in his room for the rest of the afternoon. No teams, every person for themselves. By the end of it, they were all lying on the floor with paint all over their bodies and slicking the plastic sheets underneath them. There were splatters spread all the way across the walls, prints of their feet and hands left in green and blue and outlines of their bodies that they had traced. It looked like the remnants of a crime scene, but they had had fun creating it.

“Sorry about your room,” Roxas said with a tired sigh. They were all completely spent, Xion lying next to him with her head lolling against his shoulder and her eyes half-closed.

“It’s fine,” Isa replied. “I think it’s nice. It gives the room a lot of…unique personality. No one else’s room looks like this.”

Lea chuckled next to him, and Isa turned his head to gaze at him. They were only inches apart, but it felt like miles. He was so beautiful, even as disgusting and messy as all of them looked right now after the paint war. Isa wanted to reach out to him, to brush back the matted green hair from his face so he could better see his eyes. He loved his eyes. He loved him. He was absolutely certain of that.

And he’d never gotten to say it.

Lea had said it to him. Once right after he’d lost his heart. Several times in the Organization. And one day he just stopped saying it. It wasn’t getting any response.

“You gonna leave it like this?” Lea asked.

“Hmm?” Isa was exhausted, far away in his thoughts and just wanting to lie down. But they would have to clean up first. He sighed. “No, probably not. But for now, I will. It’s just a reminder that sometimes there are good days.”

“Yeah. They’re becoming more frequent now, right?”

Isa nodded. He felt his heart slamming hard into his ribs, almost painfully. Love was painful. It was all-consuming. He wanted so desperately to touch him, to say the words that he had never gotten the chance to say.

But he wouldn’t. Not yet. He couldn’t. Maybe Lea had forgiven him for all that he’d done, and maybe they were steadily moving back into familiar territory, but they were not quite there yet. He wasn’t sure if they would ever get there. But he was going to continue fighting every day, trying to get back the life that had slipped right through his fingers, out of his grasp. His life had spiraled completely out of his control.

But he was finding firm ground again. He didn’t feel like he was being swept up in the darkness of the storm. For just a moment, he felt like he could breathe.

He wanted to reach out and touch him, but it was Lea who reached for him first, his expression softening as his fingers, barely touching him, grazed across his forehead and pushed some hair out of his face. For a moment they lay there gazing at one another, and Isa felt like all of the air had been sucked out of the room. They were fifteen again, innocent and untouched by darkness, standing in the square with the fountain rushing behind them, and the words nearly falling past his lips but not quite making it into open air. He wanted to say it that night. He wanted to say it a thousand nights.

But they weren’t fifteen anymore. They were adults. They’d lost nearly half of their lives and were having to start over, to try to build something from the ground up and establish themselves in a world that had been far too cruel to them. They were doing it, though. Slowly, but they were doing it. 

“Well, I call first shower,” Lea said, pushing up from the ground. Isa instantly felt like all of the warmth in the room was gone. He started to get up as well. 

“No way! You take all the hot water!” Roxas exclaimed. 

Lea shrugged. “That’s too bad. Guess you’ll just have to beat me there.” 

Roxas got up, nearly tripping over himself as he tried to catch Lea, but Xion’s protests caught them and pulled them back before they could kill each other trying to get out the door. 

“We have to take a picture!” she said, pulling out her phone. “To put online for our friends to see.” 

“Oh, I hardly think that’s necessary…” Isa said, but Xion was already moving toward him with the phone, and she looked so excited that he felt guilty trying to burst her bubble. 

“Come on! It’ll be fun!” She pointed the phone at them, turning it to selfie mode as Roxas and Lea slid behind them and moved into frame. All of them were pressed together trying to fit, and Lea rested his head on Isa’s shoulder as if it was just the easiest thing for him to do. Like he didn’t even have to think about it. Meanwhile, Isa had to question every word, every action he made toward Lea, to make sure he wasn’t overstepping his boundaries. 

Any other time, Isa might have been thrilled to have Lea so close to him. He would have wished desperately for him to wrap his arms around him and kiss his neck and touch him and never let him go. And for a fleeting moment, the thought occurred to him. But it was overtaken by a far deeper, darker thought. A thought that followed him every second of every day like a ghost from his past that he just could not shake. 

He hated his image. He hated to see himself reflected in the mirrors spread across the old mansion. Every time he saw his face, it was as if he could see all of the demons residing inside him as well, all of the darkness that was still heavy in his heart. _Monster! You’re a monster._ It was a constant thought, like a mob that crowded his brain, pointing accusing fingers at him and moving in for the kill. Even through the paint, he could still see the X across his face, a reminder of all that he’d lost, all that he’d done. 

“Smile!” Xion exclaimed, and he managed to. For her. For Roxas. For Lea. He had to at least let them think that everything was okay, because it had been. All day, everything had been fine. Until now. 

“It’s perfect!” Lea said. “I’m gonna steal it from you and post it on my page.” 

“Aw, look! Terra, Aqua, and Ventus are in Disney Town today! It looks so fun. We should go see them!” 

“We should go to Destiny Island soon!” 

“Yeah, let’s do that!” 

All of it was idle chatter, things that suddenly made no difference to Isa whatsoever. The names meant nothing. The places meant nothing. He was struggling to even hold on to what was right in front of him, this reality that had become his very own. A reality he never thought he would have. A family. It all seemed so far away. 

“Isa, can we go to Disney Town soon?” Xion asked. 

The words barely registered with him. Her voice felt so far away. He didn’t understand why she was asking his permission. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Her voice was so quiet, unable to break through all of the noise in his mind. 

He sighed. He just had to breathe through it. He was so exhausted. “Of course. You deserve it.” 

“Hear that, Roxas? I deserve it!” 

“Isa?” It was Lea’s voice, louder than the others, but still not quite enough. He stared at the floor, hands shaking, unable to focus on anything, unable to grasp at one single thought pounding angrily in his mind. Why was everything so loud? And why, when he was surrounded by warm, loving people, did he feel so alone, trapped in the middle of the sea with no way to land? With no option but to stop fighting and just sink? 

“Isa, are you okay?” 

Lea’s hands were on him, on his shoulders, dragging him back down to reality. He felt tears welling up in his eyes, a lump in his throat too big to swallow. He was drowning. 

“Yes. Everything’s fine.” He knew his words came out strangled, unconvincing, but he couldn’t be bothered to try to make it sound genuine. He was not okay. Everything was not fine. And it had been for so long. He had almost had a completely good day. 

“I just need to lie down,” he said. And never get back up. 

“You wanna wash off first?” Lea asked. “You can have the shower. I’ll take them outside, and we’ll hose off out there.”

“You don’t have to do that.” 

“But I will. Come on, Roxas, Xion. Let’s go outside.” 

Neither of them protested. Xion cast a pitiful glance in Isa’s direction, a soft, empathetic expression as if he was somehow transferring his pain to her, but she did not stay. She grabbed Roxas’s hand, dragging him out of the room as he looked over his shoulder at Isa, studying him. No sadness, just confusion. 

Lea stayed for a moment longer, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, shuffling uncomfortably as if he had something to say but didn’t know how to say it. Or maybe he had nothing to say and felt like he should. Isa was conscious of him, but he didn’t look up at him, just stared at the wall, feeling just as hollow as if he had no heart at all. 

“I know I’m making things difficult,” he said. 

“No, you’re not. I just wish there was something I could do to help.” He paused, taking in a heavy breath. “Is there?” 

Isa hesitated, trying to think, trying to fight through the cloud of darkness hazing him. He had no strength left in him. “No.” 

He saw the quick movement out of the corner of his eye, but he did not react, just sat there on the ground, paralyzed, numb, unfocused. Lea dropped to his knees beside him, wrapping his arms around his waist and burying his face in his neck. He made no motion to hug him back. He could feel cool, wet tears hitting his skin, and yet, there was nothing that he could do. He could not stop them. He had been the cause of them. 

“Please come get me if you need me,” Lea whispered. He was so close to him, his lips grazing against Isa’s skin in what was almost a kiss. 

But Isa still felt numb. 

“I will,” he said. He didn’t even know if he would have the willpower to drag himself out of this room. 

They sat like that for a moment, Lea holding him tighter and tighter as if he could feel Isa slipping away from him and was desperately trying to hang on. But then he let go. And he left Isa there alone. That was what he wanted. He did not want to drag anyone else down with him. 

He had been so close. So close to having one good day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm still going super slow, but we're getting there! (: to be continued.


	9. Nocturne

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > What do you want from me? Why don't you run from me?  
> What are you wondering? What do you know?  
> Why aren't you scared of me? Why do you care for me?  
> When we all fall asleep, where do we go? 
> 
> -"bury a friend" by Billie Eilish
> 
> Warning: mentions of blood, violence, and (kind of?) a panic attack

_“No! Isa! Don’t touch him! Do not fucking touch him!”_

_“I’ll be okay, Lea. I promise.” He studied his friend for the brief second they were given, noting the absolute terror in his eyes, the way his bottom lip trembled. There was a cut across his right cheek where he’d hit the ground when Dilan had thrown them in here, and blood still leaked from the wound down his pale skin._

_The truth was, Isa was terrified too. Perhaps even more so than Lea. Braig’s strong hands were wrapped around his arms, jerking him backward away from Lea, being unnecessarily brutal. Isa was not fighting him. He was trying to remain calm, mostly for Lea’s sake. He wanted him to stay here, where no one would touch him. And if Isa showed him for even one second that he thought he might be in danger, he knew Lea would come rushing in, trying to save him, only to be met with the same fate that they were going to inflict upon Isa._

_He found himself reaching out toward Lea, knowing he could not touch him as Braig continued to drag him, but Lea scrambled forward, trying to get to him. He was not fast enough. The door slammed shut. Isa heard his friend calling out his name, his voice terribly anguished, and he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to hold back the tears that were about to slip out of him._

_He didn’t need to show them fear. If he did, it would just add fuel to the flame. Slowly, he cracked open one eye and glanced up at Braig, towering over him with a powerful clutch still on one of his arms as he pulled him down the long, dismal hallway. Something bad had already happened to him here in this castle. He used to not have an eyepatch. He used to not have that ugly scar running down the side of his face. His eyes…they were an unnatural, predatory yellow now. There was this cruel grin on his face, twisted back to show his teeth like a wolf closing in on its prey._

_“You act like it’s the end of the damn world, kid,” Braig said. “It’s just Ansem. He’s real interested in you and your friend.”_

_“W-why?” Isa asked. He felt like a stone had settled deep within his stomach._

_“Beats me. Guess we’ll find out, huh?”_

_Isa looked over his shoulder, down the hall to where Lea was still left in that room, that dark, empty room that felt like it was isolated from the rest of the world. He thought he could still hear Lea, but that could have just been his imagination. Goosebumps rose along his arms, and he choked out a weak sob that did not produce any tears. The fear was too strong. He could feel the darkness in this place. It was seeping through every crack of the walls, reaching up from the floor like long, grasping fingers, draining the life and the heart out of the castle. It was spilling out into the town._

_“Is he going to kill us?” Isa asked. It sounded childish, pathetic, he knew, but he couldn’t stop the fear taking hold of him._

_Braig threw his head back and laughed, though Isa could not see the amusement at all in the question. “As if!” he exclaimed. “Come on. Have a little faith in your leader, would ya? He’s not interested in killing people. He’s got bigger plans for Radiant Garden than that.”_

_Isa tried to swallow the lump in his throat, but it was too much. He was paralyzed with fear, barely able to shuffle forward. If Braig hadn’t been dragging him, he would have collapsed to the floor a long time ago. Ordinarily, he would have been thrilled to be invited to meet the leader of Radiant Garden, but this felt off. This felt…wicked._

_He knew he and Lea were no longer safe._

He did not know where he was. He didn’t know how he had gotten here. One second, he had been in his bed sound asleep, and the next, he had blacked out, his brain drawing a complete blank as his feet carried him forward toward nowhere. There was something surging inside of him, electrocuting each and every one of his cells and bringing this new life, this new energy, this new power to the surface.

A familiar power. One he could not control. It left him with heightened senses, but that was useless. The sound, the smell, the feel of the air around him. None of that mattered because when this happened, all he could focus on was the kill. He was rushing forward into nothing, blinded by his own fury and strength, unable to think like a human being. He was a predator, plain and simple.

_A monster._

He could feel himself crashing into things, could hear the sound of his own footsteps, the deafening beat of his heart as it pounded out a rhythm faster than hummingbird wings. His breath was coming in short, ragged gasps that were painful, like someone rubbing sandpaper across his lungs. His throat ached as if he’d been screaming for a long time, but he had not heard anything. Everything hurt. His hands hurt. He could smell the blood on them. His own blood, he was sure of it. His head hurt. Everything was pounding. He seemed to be able to hear the heart of the world beating around him. It was so loud. Everything was loud. He felt like he had been shut up in a coffin, and he was fighting against it, trying to get out, but even the incredible strength rushing through his veins was not enough to escape this cruel, terrible fate.

The lights were off. Everything was dark. He was drowning in darkness. He felt his hand slam into something, heard a loud shatter, felt the pain of the impact shoot up his arm as more blood dripped from his clenched fists.

He had no idea where he was. But he was hurting. And it wouldn’t stop.

“Isa, what the fuck is going o – _oooohhhh shit_.”

The words broke through his mind, tearing through the haze. His breath was still coming out in agonizing gasps. He was hunched over something, his hands clutching at something cold as blood dripped down from them onto his legs. He had to force his mouth to move.

“You need to go away,” he said. “Get…out of here.”

“Isa –”

“Go. Please.”

He’d gone berserk plenty of times, but this was an entirely different sensation. No buildup, no warning. He’d been dreaming, and suddenly his body was just carrying him somewhere with no direction. He was spinning out of control. He wasn’t even sure what caused it, or how long it would be before he came down from all this.

“Isa, you’ve been screaming. You broke the damn stair railing and the mirror. And the sink. What’s going on?”

 _Fuck._ He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing himself to breathe. That was why he was bleeding. He’d hit the mirror. Now he could feel it, the little bits of glass in his fingers, crunching underneath his feet. It had gone everywhere. He didn’t remember doing it. He didn’t remember doing anything.

“Isa…?”

He felt a gentle hand graze his shoulder, and on instinct, purely fueled by rage, he reached back and grabbed it, twisting Lea’s arm until he let out a soft cry, trying to pull away, but Isa’s grip tightened around him. Brute strength. Almost bone-crushing strength.

“Stop. Stop. You’re hurting me,” Lea pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes flicked over Isa’s face, and his expression changed. Fear. Total, absolute terror. His lips parted as if to say something, and then he gently started trying to pull away again.

“I…don’t know what’s happening…” Isa huffed between heavy breaths. He clawed his way through the murderous cloud covering his mind, breaking through finally and forcing himself to pry his fingers away from Lea’s wrist. He’d left blood all over him, but Lea didn’t even seem to notice. His eyes were still fixated on Isa’s face, paralyzed in fear.

“Your…eyes…” he said, reaching out to him again, slowly, then drawing himself back, folding in on himself as he took a couple of steps toward the door.

Isa wanted him to go. He wanted him to run. He wanted Lea to slam the door shut and leave him here to tear himself apart while he rode this thing out. He wanted distance between them.

“I…shouldn’t be here…” he said. Words hurt, grating against his raw, scratchy throat. His voice sounded foreign, like some sort of horrendous growl, deep and low and threatening. The voice of a villain. The voice of a monster. “I’m…too dangerous…”

He expected Lea to run. He looked up at him, his vision hyperfocused, but at the same time he knew he was not seeing things the way that they truly were. He was seeing through the eyes of a predator.

Though Lea still gazed at him with horrified wonder, he did not leave the room. There was distance between them, several feet, and Lea’s hand rested on the doorknob, but instead of fleeing the scene like a sensible person would do, he slammed the door shut and locked it, trapping himself inside with the monster. Isa watched his throat, his long, elegant throat, as he swallowed nervously, and a thought crossed his mind that he wanted to pin him up against the wall, hand closing around his neck as he struggled to breathe –

No. That was not what he wanted. He was not fighting Lea. He was fighting himself. But the fact that the thought had even occurred to him was so profoundly disgusting and disturbing to him that he thought he might as well just leave the house now, stumble blindly through the woods into town and just end everything so that he wasn’t in the floor of the bathroom posing a lethal threat to the people he loved.

“What are you doing?” he asked. God, he was hurting. Hurting all over trying to restrain himself. He wasn’t even sure how this happened. He had been sleeping, thinking about the day they got into the castle…

His mind had convinced his body that he was fighting. It had sent him into this fight-or-flight, predatory instinct. And on his rampage, he’d managed to destroy everything in his wake.

“Helping you get through this,” Lea answered. “I’m not leaving, okay?”

Isa breathed, bringing himself down to his knees and crawling over to the wall. There was glass all over the floor. He didn’t care. His whole body was shaking, trembling violently as he kept trying to repeat to himself that he was okay, that he was safe, that no one was trying to hurt him, but it wasn’t getting through. He could still feel that unbelievable, relentless strength coursing through his veins. He didn’t want to know what he looked like, how disgusting, how pitiful. Like a snarling dog, probably, all bloodied and messed up after a fight. He balled his hands into fists, feeling the glass in his knuckles, the pain throbbing through his muscles…

He’d seen his reflection. It was the first time he’d seen how terrifying he truly looked when he lost all control and went berserk. It must have been worse before, with the yellow eyes that looked so much like a wolf. They were green now, but his pupils were slit, like a cat’s right before it pounces on its prey. And his teeth – _his teeth!_ His canines had grown longer, like fangs, and they felt heavy and awkward but completely lethal in his mouth. He’d hit the mirror in both anger and fear. And the need, the insatiable desire to kill, to destroy.

Lea dropped down to his knees next to Isa and hesitantly, so hesitantly, he reached out and took one of Isa’s hands. Isa reacted negatively at first, the pain and the utter shame from the contact too much for him to bear, but eventually, he unclenched his fist and rested his palm against the cool tile floor, Lea’s hand resting on top of his. He realized he’d been holding his breath, and he let it out with a shudder that shook his whole body.

“Getting better?” Lea asked.

Isa didn’t answer. He wasn’t sure. The look of terror was gone from Lea’s face, but the memory of it was forever burned into Isa’s mind. The same look he’d given him the first time he noticed his eyes were no longer green. The same look he’d given him when Isa went berserk the first time and nearly killed Demyx. You don’t look at normal people that way. That look is reserved for monsters.

“I’m going to hurt you again,” Isa said. “I don’t want to. I really don’t. But I might.”

“I trust that you won’t,” Lea said, intertwining their fingers together and squeezing tightly for just the briefest moment, dragging a moan of pain from Isa’s lips, but then it was fine. Warm, green light bathed his skin, closing up the wounds on his palms and knuckles and soothing him to the point where he could almost convince himself that he was okay.

“Healing magic,” he huffed. “I was…never that good with it.” 

“That’s okay,” Lea said. “Just takes practice. I’ve got you.” He reached out with his other hand, the one that was not holding Isa’s, and brushed some of the hair from Isa’s face that was plastered to his sweaty skin. His fingers danced along Isa’s cheek, tracing a line down his neck, across his shoulders, down his back, and the touch – so gentle, so soft, so familiar – awoke some sort of beast inside of him. A low growl rumbled from his throat, sending a quiver through his body, and he forced himself back down, trying to ground himself in reality. He pressed his sweaty forehead against the tile below him and exhaled in relief, relishing in the way the coolness rushed across his skin, calming him for just a moment. He squeezed his eyes shut, forcing air through his nostrils, and then cracked open an eyelid, glaring over at Lea’s hand holding his so tightly. He could see the bruise forming around his wrist, the obvious imprint of his hand left there for the whole world to see what he had done. That he had hurt him. 

Something inside of him snapped. He jerked himself away from Lea’s grip in one violent movement, his hands scrambling across the tile as his fingers tore at the grout, ripping up pieces of the floor and sending fresh waves of pain rushing through him again as it tore at his skin and his nails. Blood rose to the surface, but it was nothing drastic. Still, the scent was overwhelming, making his head spin. 

He was fighting himself. That’s it. All he wanted to do was inflict harm on himself, to just make this all stop. 

But Lea wouldn’t allow it. He saw the quick movement from the corner of his eye, a movement that almost sent him over the edge into fight-or-flight again, but he was not quick enough to dodge as Lea collided into him, his hands wrapping around his wrists and flipping him over onto his back with such seriousness and strength that he couldn’t help the feeling that maybe he was fighting for his life against himself _and_ Lea. 

No, that wasn’t it. Lea wouldn’t hurt him. Still, he felt the growl rumble from his throat, struggling against Lea as he clambered on top of Isa, straddling him between strong thighs that pressed into his sides, pinning him to the ground with so much strength he could hardly fight against it. He struggled anyway, kicking and thrashing underneath Lea’s weight and trying to pull his arms free from Lea’s grip. Lea shouldn’t be this strong. He shouldn’t be able to even put up a fight against Isa, and yet, here he was. 

“Stop…fighting…me,” Isa growled, violently twisting his body and trying to free himself, to no avail. “I’m…going…to hurt you…” Though he wasn’t quite sure that was true anymore. Lea was almost a perfect match-up against him. 

“Okay, okay,” Lea said, releasing Isa’s wrists and holding his hands up in surrender in front of him. “I’m not fighting you, okay? But I’m not letting you hurt yourself either.” 

Isa’s heart was slamming so rapidly, so erratically inside his chest that he thought for sure that it was going to burst right through his rib cage. His breathing was growing faster and heavier too, coming in broken, ragged gasps, like he could not possibly get enough air into his lungs no matter how hard he tried, and he was spiraling downward, dizzy, about to pass out. His body still thrashed around against Lea, but Lea was putting up a tough fight, managing to hold him down with no issue at all. 

He managed to get control of himself for just a moment, forcing himself to focus on Lea, starting at the top of him and slowly gliding down the rest of his body, down to where his hands rested lightly on his chest, to his legs – _fuck, his legs_ – they shouldn’t be that strong. They were long and scrawny and lean, but so so strong against him, and Isa was suddenly incredibly conscious of the fact that Lea was sitting on top of him, wearing nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, and something new crashed over him. Desire, pooling hot and warm in his abdomen, and without even thinking, he reached out and grabbed Lea’s thighs, drawing him closer to him, and Lea let out a low, soft, hissing noise as he bent over him, shutting his eyes and drawing in a shaky breath. One of his hands stayed firmly planted on Isa’s chest, still pinning him to the floor, but the other trailed up his neck, raising little goosebumps across his skin before stopping at his mouth and lifting his top lip just slightly. His forefinger ghosted over one of Isa’s fangs, sending a completely unwarranted shiver of pleasure through Isa’s body. 

“Feeling better?” Lea asked. It sounded like he was struggling to breathe as well, though Isa wasn’t sure if it was out of fatigue or…whatever this was that was happening between them. 

“Yes,” Isa replied, though he could still feel that brute power coursing through his veins, battling against him and trying to tear him apart from the inside out. Still, he could feel himself coming down from the high, but he didn’t think it would go completely away if they were sitting here like this. 

“Good,” Lea exhaled, light and airy. He still sat there, eyes closed, his thumb resting at the corner of Isa’s mouth. He had released his grip just slightly so that Isa could actually move around underneath his weight. But he didn’t really need to. The friction that it caused between them…it was almost too much, sending him back over the edge into predator territory. 

A knock at the door caused him to snap his head sideways, his heartbeat quickly picking up its pace again as his mind went cloudy, forcing adrenaline through his veins once again and convincing him that he was indeed in danger and he needed to fight, or he was going to die. Some godawful noise tore through his lips, and he struggled against Lea, finally able to overthrow him as he scrambled to his feet and grabbed blindly around the room for something, anything that he could use to defend himself. He ripped down the shower curtain, grabbing the rod it was hanging on, and found his feet carrying him in the direction of the noise. 

“L-Lea?” A voice. A female voice. He cycled through his memories, fighting through the dark cloud swallowing up his mind, trying to put a name with a face. Someone he cared about. A girl. A young girl. Xion. _Xion!_ Her name was Xion, and she was not trying to hurt him. 

“What’s going on?” This voice was male. Roxas. Also not a threat. And still, his feet carried him forward, ready to hurt someone. Not them. Maybe himself.

Lea caught him around the waist just in time, dragging him backward and slamming him against the wall with a loud bang as the shower rod clattered to the floor with a deafening ring echoing through the room. Lea pressed one arm into Isa’s chest and used the other to pin his hands above his head, trapping him. Once again, he was rendered motionless. 

“It’s okay!” Lea shouted to them. “I’ll be out in just a minute. Go back downstairs.” Then, dropping his voice to a whisper, he released his hold on Isa’s wrists and moved down to his chin, grabbing him rather aggressively and tilting his head so that he was forced to look into his eyes. “Look at me, okay? Focus on my voice. Focus on me. I’m right here, okay? I’m not leaving you. I’ve got you.” 

“Lea?” 

“I’ll be down in a second! Everything’s fine.” 

“No, it’s not! Let us in!” 

Lea ignored them, pressing his forehead against Isa’s and closing his eyes, his lips just an inch away as he continued to whisper to him. “Everything’s gonna be okay. Just ignore them. There’s nothing else out there. Just us in this room. Just breathe. Focus on breathing.” 

Isa tried to listen, but he could hear Roxas and Xion out there, and he knew he was troubling them, making everything so much worse for them than it needed to be. They were not a threat. He did not want to hurt them. But he did want to hurt himself. He let out a pathetic whimper, dropping one of his hands to his leg and digging his nails into soft skin there, letting the pain rush through him. He bit down on his bottom lip, his fangs tearing through skin and releasing blood that dripped down his chin onto Lea’s fingers. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t see, and he was heaving against the wall, his body feeling smaller and smaller by the second, threatening to just blink right out of existence. He squeezed his eyes shut, then forced himself to release the grip he had on his leg, instead bringing his hand to rest against Lea’s cheek. He could feel a tear leak down onto his skin, and he cracked open his eyes, staring as more tears spilled over from Lea’s eyes and traced their way down his face. There was no terror there anymore. Just total, complete sadness. 

“Are you okay now?” Lea asked, his voice shaking with sobs he was trying so desperately to hold in. 

Isa let out a breath, touching his teeth, and sighed in relief. The fangs were gone. The power was gone, leaving him feeling like a hollow shell, about to collapse from exhaustion. “Yes,” he said. Now, he just wanted to sleep. He wanted Lea to come in his room with him and curl up into bed and hold him and never let him go. But he didn’t deserve that sort of love, that sort of mercy. 

“I shouldn’t be here,” he said. “I should go. They fucked me up. Fucked me up really bad. I’m gonna hurt one of you.” 

Lea shook his head, his nose bumping against Isa’s. “No, you don’t need to be anywhere else but here.” 

“But I’m –” 

“I trust you around me,” Lea said. “I trust you around Roxas and Xion. I just don’t trust you around yourself.” 

The words tore at him from the inside, threatening to rip him apart, and it took every ounce of willpower he had not to start crying right then and there. But Lea was still crying. He was always so quick to cry, so quick to worry. Isa had done that to him. He was constantly hurting him, over and over and over again, no matter how hard he tried not to. He never wanted to hurt anyone. Not Lea, not Roxas, not Xion. 

But he felt like such a danger. He knew he shouldn’t be alone, that he would surely end up inflicting some sort of damage upon himself if he were to leave. Maybe Lea trusted him, but Isa did not trust himself. He glanced at Lea’s wrist again, the bruise more obvious now than it was before. He would have to go downstairs and explain that to Roxas and Xion. What would he tell them? The truth? Or just make up some sort of lie so they wouldn’t worry? Isa wasn’t sure which was worse. And how would they react, knowing that there was still some sliver of a monster inside of Isa that he could not control? Would they even want to be around him anymore? Would they feel safe with him living in the same house with them? 

He sighed again. He wanted to run his thumb over Lea’s cheek and brush the tears away, but he could not bring himself to touch him again. He didn’t deserve it. 

Lea wiped his own tears away, pulling away from Isa and turning his head as if he was the one that was ashamed of his behavior. Like he had anything to be ashamed for, when Isa was the monster waiting in the shadows. He hadn’t even known he could still go berserk. It seemed so far away, like some sort of second identity that he had that he’d managed to trap inside a box and tuck away deep within the confines of his mind, but it’d been able to break loose. Only now, it was just trying to fight him and anyone who stood in the way of the fight. 

“I can see you thinking about it,” Lea said. “About leaving. You can’t leave me again, Isa. You promised. If you leave…” He crossed his arms tightly over his chest, taking a shuddering breath. “You can’t. I won’t be able to handle it. I finally have you back, and it doesn’t matter if you feel like you’re too damaged or broken to be here because I want you here. Every little piece of you. And I will do everything I can until the day we die to help you feel like you can be whole again.” 

Isa stared at him, unable to speak, as he felt tears spring up in his eyes. Damn it, he was so tired of crying. He was just tired in general. Slowly, he swiped them away before they could leak down onto his cheeks, and he closed the gap between him and Lea, taking him in his arms and resting his head against Lea’s neck. He did not deserve this love, whatever kind of love it might be. But he knew undoubtedly that Lea loved him, or he wouldn’t have stayed in here with him through all of that. He wouldn’t let him continuing living here after that. He trusted him wholeheartedly. Just not with himself. 

“Stay with me. Please.” Lea's voice was so broken, a desperate plea that plunged right through Isa like a knife to the chest. 

“Okay,” he said. “Don’t worry, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm at the endgame in KH3, and I realize this isn't totally canon-compliant, so here's what I'm working with here. I'll accept that Isa and Lea were apprentices, and I'll accept most of the Subject X stuff. However, no one can convince me that Isa wasn't experimented on in the castle as well. I dunno, I'm having kind of a hard time putting my thoughts into words, so just...this isn't compliant with canon anymore, and I'm not even gonna try. So hopefully you'll still enjoy this disaster I created. 
> 
> To be continued. (:


	10. Through the Darkest Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > You are not what they've said about you  
> That's not your worth and you don't deserve that  
> You used to shine so brilliantly  
> like stars at night surround the sea 
> 
> -"Mental Illness" by Goodnight Neverland
> 
> Just a warning that this chapter includes suicidal ideation (specifically drowning) and symptoms of depression and PTSD.

The next few days were hell. Isa had no idea what Lea had told them happened, but it seemed like there was always a watchful, apprehensive eye on him, no matter where he was in the house. If he suddenly got up from the table in the morning without excusing himself first, the laughter and idle chatter would die down just enough for him to know that they were watching. Waiting. Like they thought that if they let him out of their sights, he would do something to harm himself.

At first, it was fine. He understood that they were just worried, and he had given them good reason to be. He never talked about it with Roxas and Xion. He barely talked about it with Lea. But after a while, it got exhausting, and he was starting to grow mildly irritated at being treated like a child who could not care for himself.

Some days he could not care for himself, though. He couldn’t even find the strength to get out of bed. He knew what he had done, and though Lea trusted him fully around everyone except himself, the guilt, the shame, the humiliation of it all was just too much for him to bear. It rendered him almost completely useless, buried in the thick covers of his bed with the blinds drawn and the door kept tightly shut to let them know he did not want visitors.

Sometimes he did get visitors. Lea would show up and sit down next to him and mostly just talk to him about what was going on with everyone. Occasionally, he would delve into memories of their lives in Radiant Garden, and he would laugh or make some sort of sarcastic comment at all of the appropriate times, trying to lighten the mood in the otherwise dreary bedroom, but he didn’t ever get much response out of Isa. He kept his distance, staying on the other side of the bed and out from underneath the covers so there was no chance he was touching Isa at all. He had respected Isa’s space very well, ever since the first time he came in trying to rub his back or play with his hair and Isa had flinched away from him and rolled over so that he couldn’t get to him. He did not deserve Lea’s pity. He didn’t deserve his time. He didn’t deserve his love.

And he was sure Lea loved him, though he couldn’t quite figure out _why_ he did, after everything he did, everything he continued to do. He loved him, but he was not _in love_ with him. Not in the way he used to be. Not in the way Isa was still in love with him now.

But that was okay. Because he knew he was still far inferior to Lea and always would be. There would never be anything he could do to atone for everything, to deserve the love he had so freely been given before their world fell into darkness. He could not make it up to Lea for what happened in the bathroom the other night. All he could do was just stay, because that’s all Lea wanted. Though he still didn’t understand why. It was shameful and disgusting, how he had lost control like that. It weighed down on him and trapped him right here, unable to move, unable to think. He was just numb. But he let Lea come and go. He let him talk, and he listened. But he didn’t respond. He had nothing to say.

Other times, Roxas and Xion would come in together, and Roxas would spout off stuff about their plans for the day or something new that he had learned, and Xion would read to him from some book she’d found in the library – always some form of a fairytale that had been altered to give it a feel-good, happy ending. Sometimes Lea would come with them, and they would all stand there like they were at a damn wake saying goodbye to a corpse and then shuffle out of the room and leave Isa to his own dark thoughts. He wished desperately that they would just give up on him.

All of this felt very familiar to him. It had been a regular occurrence in his house growing up for his mom to lie in bed, not wanting to do anything, pretending they didn’t exist. It had broken his heart. His dad had tried to explain everything to him, but he just didn’t quite understand what was wrong with his mom and why he couldn’t fix it. 

Maybe that’s the way the others felt right now about him, though he didn’t understand why they cared enough to try. 

It was hell. He didn’t get up to shower. Occasionally, they would bring him some sort of snack and leave it on the nightstand while he slept, but when he woke, he barely touched anything. He felt more like a ghost inhabiting his bedroom than an actual person. 

That’s what it had seemed like, with his mom. He remembered thinking that she looked like and acted like a ghost. Her skin, usually tan from working out in her garden all day, had grown to be a sickly pale color. Her bright green eyes and long, violet hair had gotten dull as well. Even her movements were dull, slow and jerky like someone that was working on a memory of how to move, how to be alive. She’d been a hollow shell of a person. There was nothing left within her by the end of it all. 

_I’m not like her. I’m not like her._ That had become his mantra over the past few days, and as many times as he repeated it to himself, he almost started to believe it. But the truth of it was, no, he was not like her; he was worse than her. And he was so, so afraid that Lea was right, that the real danger he posed was to himself. 

He wasn’t sure how long it had been since he’d fallen into the pit of despair, but it must have been a while. At least a week. Lea shuffled in one morning, yawning and barely awake, with a cup of fresh coffee that he set on the nightstand next to the plate of food that Isa hadn’t touched from the night before. Isa watched him, eyes unfocused, as he crouched down beside the bed so that they were face-to-face and, with a sigh, pushed a strand of greasy hair out of Isa’s face. Isa did not flinch away from his touch this time; in fact, it was a welcome feeling. 

“Hey,” Lea said with a grin. “I brought you some coffee.”

“I don’t want any.”

Lea sighed again, resting his head against his arms and gazing at Isa with such sadness in his eyes that it made him feel a fresh wave of guilt crash over him. He had done this. He was the one that had made Lea so dejected. He groaned, burying his face in his pillow and hoping that Lea would just go away and let him sit here in his own depression and filth.

But he didn’t. He kept talking. “So listen, I’m not going to make you do anything you don’t want to do, but Roxas and Xion are starting school in just a few days, and I wanted to take them to Disney Town. If you’re feeling up for it, I would love for you to go. And it would mean a lot to Roxas and Xion. Xion especially. She’s really worried about you.”

Isa didn’t respond, didn’t even look up. He thought that if he stayed silent long enough, Lea would leave. He didn’t want anyone in here with him, being contaminated by the sadness.

But he still didn’t leave. “Like I said, you don’t have to go. But I think the sunshine would be good for you, and you’d probably have a lot of fun.”

Isa tilted his head just slightly, his eyes drifting down to Lea’s arms resting on the side of the bed. The bruise that was still left around his wrist, now a pale, ugly yellow color as it was starting to fade. He shifted a little, and hesitantly, he reached and took Lea’s hand gently in his fingers, just barely touching him as he guided it closer to his face. He had done worse damage than this to him. Over and over and over again he’d dealt damage to him. But this was different. This was when he was supposed to be in control, and he wasn’t.

Lea watched, pupils dilated so much that his eyes appeared more black than green, his lips parted with some words he couldn’t quite get out. Isa turned his head and brought Lea’s wrist up to brush over his lips, but he didn’t kiss the injury like he so desperately wanted to do. He just lay there, feeling the dull thud of Lea’s pulse against him, and closed his eyes. It was beating out a warm, rapid rhythm. Almost nervous, erratic, stuttering.

“I’m sorry,” Isa whispered.

“There’s nothing to apologize for. It happened, and we got through it. And if it happens again, we’ll get through that too.”

Isa shook his head, still not letting Lea out of his grip. It felt so perfect, so familiar, having him so close like this. It cleared the fog of his dismal thoughts for just a moment, placed him back into reality instead of letting his mind wander all over the place, tracing paths back to their darkest days. It made him feel just the tiniest spark of hope, that maybe this would all get better.

“I don’t want it to happen again.”

“Well, yeah. No one wants it to happen again, but if it does, then we go from there. Minute by minute, right? One step at a time. Next step is getting you out of bed.” Lea grinned, a flush of pink rushing to his cheeks as he carefully and reluctantly took his hand away from Isa’s. “No rush, of course. You take your time with the healing. We’ll be here.”

“What did you tell them?” Isa asked. “About what happened?” 

Lea shrugged. “The truth. No reason in hiding it or trying to downplay anything. They’re not kids. They’ve been through hell, and so have we. They can understand. They don’t hate you.” 

“They should.” 

Lea sighed, frowning, and looked away from him, caught in some deep thought that for some reason he wouldn’t voice out loud. Isa could only imagine that it was agreement, that the two teenagers that had ended up in their care had every single right to hate him, and if they wanted to, then that was fine. 

But Lea would never say that to him. He wouldn’t ever think it. Not now. Maybe back when they were in the Organization and Isa was not himself…

He still wasn’t himself. He didn’t really know who he was. 

“Can I come sit with you?” Lea asked. 

Isa shrugged. He remembered the days when he would sit with his mother in her bed while she did the exact same thing that he was doing now, staring at the wall and barely talking and feeling completely and totally numb. She had looked awful. He tried to look past it so often because she was such a beautiful person with an even more beautiful heart, but he couldn’t deny that this sickness, this disease of the mind, this _darkness_ , was ruining her and breaking her down to nothing. He didn’t know how he looked now. As awful as her. Worse than her. 

Lea got up from the floor and climbed over Isa into the bed, wiggling underneath the covers and sidling up next to him as close as he could be. Isa didn’t have the strength to push him away, and even though he kept telling himself every day that Lea should hate him, that he shouldn’t be anywhere near him, he had to indulge himself and be selfish for just a moment. He was warm against Isa’s cold skin, like the sunlight he hadn’t allowed to seep in through the windows for days. 

_I think the sunshine would be good for you…_

“I don’t know what’s happening to me,” he said. 

“Depression? PTSD? You’ve been through a lot of stuff, Isa.” 

“I was the bad guy –” 

“You were a victim. Just like Roxas. Just like Xion. We were all victims, okay? We got fucked over. But it’s okay now. I know…” Lea paused, taking in a shaky breath. “I know saying that doesn’t fix things, but…it is okay now. And you’re probably gonna have episodes. But I’m gonna be here for you. Every single time. All of us will be. We’re not leaving you. You’ve got a home and a family now.” 

He sighed, rolling over so that he was facing Lea now. It was the first big movement he’d made in a long time. His body felt stiff and achy. “You’ve always been my family,” he said. His heart was hammering wildly, coming back to life after the few days it had not bothered to stir from its rest. He wasn’t sure why he was saying this and where the courage had suddenly come from, but he wanted to voice it. He wanted to spill out thousands of pent-up thoughts and emotions that he had kept inside for so many years, but he wouldn’t. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t give himself that level of indulgence. Or that level of pain. He knew that Lea could never feel the same way again. 

“You were the only person I could ever call family. Radiant Garden started feeling so cold and unforgiving without my mom around, but you…you were there, and you seemed like the only ray of hope I had left –” 

“Shh, you’re crying.” Lea reached out to him, cradling his face between his hands, and gently brushed away a tear with his thumb. 

Isa sniffled, swiping at a tear himself. “Damn it. I hate crying.” 

Lea snorted a laugh. “You always told me I was the emotional one.” 

“You still are. I just told myself I couldn’t cry for ten years, and now I have to make up for it.” 

“It’s okay to cry. You don’t have to keep it all in. And you can talk. Even if we’re in the middle of breakfast, and you’re suddenly like, ‘I feel sad,’ then that’s okay. We can roll with that. We’re here for each other. Always, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

He expected Lea to move away from him, but he didn’t. He sat there, cupping Isa’s face in his hands and gazing down at him, and Isa couldn’t help but look up, meeting his eyes. They were so beautiful. His expression had softened into something like childish wonder, his lips parted just slightly and his pupils expanding to twice their normal size again. He was drawing shallow breaths, and Isa could feel his pulse against his skin again, slamming so quickly that it almost felt desperate, trying to pump new life through him. 

He was so beautiful. Every inch of him. The freckles across his nose and shoulders, the ones trailing his belly and his back. His sharp cheekbones and pointed chin, the way his pink lips were almost always turned up into a small smile, even if he felt like the weight of the world was too much for him to bear. His hair, the way it was always so soft and held the faintest scent of lavender, and when he was out in the sunlight, the bright glow of the sun made it look so shiny and coppery. His eyes – they were so fucking pretty he couldn’t stand it, and emerald green was still not a good enough way to describe them. His long, lean, jagged limbs, so skinny and light, but he was so strong, so so strong. He was built like a cat, like an apex predator, and he was agile and quick like one too. And elegant. Every bit of him was so elegant, his long, gentle fingers and his thick, dark eyelashes that fluttered ever so softly against his skin whenever he laughed – really laughed – and his eyes closed and his shoulders shook and – 

Fuck, Isa wanted to kiss him. He wanted to close the gap between them so badly. He wanted to roll him over onto his back and climb on top of him and kiss him so hard and so feverishly that it would knock the breath out of both of them. And then he would do it again. Over and over again, all throughout the day and into the night. He wanted to run his hands through his hair and press his lips to the sensitive part of Lea’s neck and hear him whimper against him, just like he used to do. It was the sweetest sound Isa had ever heard. And he wanted to hear it again. He wanted to strip him down and run his hands over the entire length of his body, memorizing everything all over again, and then he would kiss him, every little bit of him, and – 

“So Disney Town tomorrow?” Lea asked, clearing his throat as he removed his hands from Isa and scooted over on the bed a little, putting just a little distance between them. 

Isa hadn’t even realized what he was doing. He had propped himself up on his elbows, leaning into Lea, and now he was left without the warmth he had momentarily brought him. He flopped back down on his pillow with a sigh and nodded. “I’ll try to get up.” 

“You seem to be feeling better,” Lea said. “I know that doesn’t always mean you are –” 

“I’ll be fine. I can go. Xion wanted to go so badly. I told her she deserved it.” 

The corner of Lea’s mouth turned up into a little smile. “Xion will be so happy that you’re coming.” 

Isa heaved out another sigh. Everything still felt so heavy and achy, as if he was inhabiting a body that was not quite his own. “Roxas?” he asked. “I’m sure he still has some pent-up aggression toward me.” 

Lea shrugged. “Sure, I guess. But he just feels so much, you know? He’s really empathetic. He feels other people’s grief and pain, and it just doesn’t sit right with him. He gets mad sometimes, but it’s not much. He mostly just worries about you. He can feel the way that you’re feeling too, and he understands. He wants you at Disney Town. He wants you there just as much as he wants the rest of us. He cares about you. Maybe not as much as Xion does. Sometimes she talks about you like you hung the damn moon.” 

Isa laughed a little. “No, she doesn’t.” 

“I’m serious! She looks up to you. Every single day before she comes in here to read to you, she’s in the library freaking out trying to find the perfect thing for you because she wants you to have what’s best. She wants to make you happy.” 

Isa shook his head. “Why would she ever –” But it didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter why they were doing all of these things for him. He was so sick and tired of trying to understand the mysteries of the heart, why it was that it could be put through so much and still not break, how people could be put through hell and come out more loving and kind because of it. How these people could look at him and find a reason to forgive him and give him all the love their hearts held, even when he knew he had not done a thing to deserve it. 

He raised himself up, groaning with the effort, and grabbed the lukewarm coffee sitting on his nightstand. It was in the puppy mug, just like Lea always did for him. Because it held something that was just for the two of them, a remnant of the past that they shared together.

“I still feel like hell,” he said, taking a sip and wincing at the terrible taste. “Why is it that whenever you make coffee, it tastes so burnt?” 

Lea shrugged, grinning. “Fire guy. What can I say?” 

Isa arched an eyebrow. “Are you using fire to make coffee? How does that make any sense? How would you – I’m not going to question it. Thank you for this.” 

“You’re welcome. Anything else you need?” 

“I need to take a shower.” 

“I can help with that.” 

Isa nearly choked on his coffee, his eyes opening wide as he turned his head to look at Lea. The smug bastard, he was smirking and so damn proud of himself. 

“I’m kidding!” he exclaimed. “But it looks nice for you to have color in your face again.” He poked Isa’s cheek, burning red hot underneath his touch. “Didn’t know I could still get you so flustered.” 

“You just…took me by surprise. That’s all.” 

“Don’t worry. I’ve got plenty more surprises up my sleeve.” He winked. 

Isa groaned, hiding his face in his hands as his blush deepened. He hated and loved how Lea was the only person who could do this to him. Ten years later and he was still melting at just about everything that Lea said to him. 

“I’m going to shower,” he said. “I’ll see you downstairs in a little bit.” 

“Good,” Lea said, nudging him with his foot. The smug smile had fallen from his face, and he was all business again. “We were thinking of watching a movie. You can pick it, if you want.” 

“I’ll think on it.” He got up from bed, though it was a struggle. He still felt like his body wasn’t quite his, like he was just some sort of husk of his former self, struggling to remember how to move. Something inside of him was trying to drag him back down, reminding him of what he had done just a few days before and what he could possibly do in the future. The bruise on Lea’s wrist, the terror in his eyes when he’d first walked in on him, not knowing what to do. It wasn’t okay. Not to Isa. But he would have to get through this. He would have to learn some control and make sure everyone around him was safe, including himself.

A shower would help, he thought. It would clear his mind. But it didn’t. The cool rush of the water over his skin just made him think of drowning. His mom drowning herself. How blissful she must have been when she took her final breath and was able to let her pain wash away with the currents of the river…

No. That’s not how it worked. Depression was ugly. It took and it took and it took and it never stopped taking. He was exhausted. But he would fight through this. He would give it everything he had. For Roxas. For Xion. For Lea. For himself. He had people who cared about him now. To leave them in such a cruel way felt like it would just be one more betrayal to add to the list of things he’d already done to hurt them. And they were good people. They didn’t deserve to hurt.

Lea had said that Isa was good too. But he didn’t believe that quite yet. So he would bear the pain and the heartache. And he would keep fighting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished KH3 and I've been hurting. I love sea salt family now more than ever. Also, thinking about doing a Terra/Aqua thing soon?


	11. A Burden Too Great to Bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > I will not ask you where you came from  
> I will not ask you and neither would you  
> Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips  
> We should just kiss like real people do 
> 
> -"Like Real People Do" by Hozier
> 
> Mentions of sex and death in this chapter. Just like, not at the same time.   
> I really, really hate this chapter and I struggled through every bit of it, but I hope you guys enjoy.

“Disney Town! Disney Town! Disney Town!” Xion and Roxas were nearly over the moon with excitement the next day as they hopped around the room, trying to shovel pancakes into their mouth and not make a mess all over the kitchen. They couldn’t sit still long enough to even eat their breakfast. They’d been jumping up and down and chanting and dancing around ever since they’d gotten out of bed, and Isa had had to chase them down to hand them their plates, though he was regretting the breakfast choice now. The last thing they needed now, it seemed, was sugar.

But the happiness was infectious, and he desperately needed it right now, so he didn’t slow them down or stop them at all as they bounced off the walls and he sat at the table watching them.

“Disney Town! We’re going to Disney Town!” Xion exclaimed, taking Roxas’s hands in her own and twirling him around the kitchen. There was syrup everywhere. It was such a disaster.

“I’m so excited! They have hundreds and hundreds of different flavors of ice cream!” Roxas exclaimed, which made Xion cry out with delight as she finished off her pancakes in one big gulp and discarded the dirty plate. 

“The last thing the two of you need is ice cream,” Isa said. 

“Isa!” Xion exclaimed, twirling over to him from across the room. “Can we get the mouse ears? Please please please please please please please?” She leaned against the table, her lower lip poking out in a pout. 

“Well…” He pretended to think, which nearly drove her to her breaking point, and then offered her a smile. “We can get you whatever you want, Xion.” 

“Are you serious?” Her eyes grew wide with even more excitement than before, and she threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him so tightly that he thought she might cut off his air flow. It took him by surprise at first, but it was so warm, so filled with love, that he just leaned into it, letting it happen. He loved Xion, and he knew that for some reason, she loved him too. And that was enough for today. “Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! You’re the very best!” 

“Isa, don’t tell Lea, but your pancakes taste better than his,” Roxas said, in what Isa thought was an attempt at a whisper, but his voice was booming across the empty house. His pupils were blown wide, and his body was practically vibrating with pent-up energy that he hadn’t managed to get out yet. 

“They do, do they?” 

Roxas froze where he was, looking up to see Lea entering the kitchen, arms crossed and eyebrows arched as he leaned against the door frame, feigning disappointment. Xion giggled, a loud, bubbly noise that rang out and bounced off the walls as she glided around the kitchen, doing ballerina twirls and singing some sort of pop song that she only knew half of the words to. 

“I…” Roxas started to speak, his mouth hanging open for just a second, eyes unfocused, before his gaze snapped up to meet Lea’s and said, “Are you supposed to hear colors?” Then, stumbling backward a little into the table, his body still quivering, he suddenly fell into a panic. “I can’t feel my ears!” 

Xion gasped from across the room, stopping her twirling. “Neither can I!” 

And then they both darted out of the room, laughing and chasing one another up the stairs. It was loud, their footsteps falling heavy on the creaky, wooden steps, and Isa was almost certain he heard them trip a couple of times, only to be met with more laughter and even more crashing noises. 

“What the hell kind of drugs did you put in their breakfast?” Lea asked, pouring himself a cup of coffee. “Should I hold off on food until Disney Town?” 

“I just made them the way that my mom used to,” Isa replied, “though now I think I should have crushed up some sleeping pills to mix in there.” 

He was not quite as awake and alive as the two teenagers were, but he could feel a difference in himself today. His body didn’t feel so heavy and fatigued, dragging him down and making it just about impossible for him to get up and do anything. There was not a thick storm cloud hanging over his thoughts and making every little thing seem like it was awful and unbearable. He had to admit that Lea was right in making him stay here and be around them. Had he wandered off somewhere else and isolated himself, he was not sure if he would even be alive right now. Being around the three of them when they were this joyous was good for him. It was contagious. And it made him forget, even for just a little while, all of the dark thoughts that lay tucked away at the back of his mind. 

They were not all gone. He was not cured of anything. But it was another fresh start. He was determined to give himself one good day, to give all of them one good day. 

“There’s no damn way that your pancakes are any better than mine,” Lea said, near pouting as he plopped down his plate and mug at the table next to Isa and slid into his chair. 

Isa shrugged, trying to hide the smile spreading across his face behind his cup of coffee. “Roxas seems to disagree.” 

Lea huffed, blowing a strand of hair out of his face, and his expression softened as he looked over at Isa. Though he was trying hard to hide it, Isa could see the concern in his eyes. “Are you doing okay today?” 

“I’m fine. Happy, even. I think.” 

Lea grinned, reaching out and brushing a thumb over Isa’s cheek. “Good. Thank you for waking up early and making them breakfast. You really didn’t have to –” 

“You get up early every single morning to take care of them. You deserve to sleep in every once in a while. It wasn’t a problem.” 

The way that Lea was looking at him was so soft and so endearing that he had to force himself to look away. It made him feel a flutter in his stomach, and his heart started panicking and trying to beat out a messy rhythm once again, as it usually did whenever Lea was around him. He had to wrap both of his hands around his coffee mug just to resist reaching out and holding Lea’s hand. 

“You’re the best,” Lea said. 

“Not the first time I’ve heard that this morning.” 

Lea seemed taken aback by the tone of his voice, how smug he sounded, and Isa smirked at him, waiting for some sort of biting comment to be shot back at him. There was this strange energy passing between the two of them, one he could not possibly begin to describe, but it felt familiar and inviting. 

“Yeah, well…you are,” Lea said, struggling over his words, “but not about the damn pancakes, okay? There’s no way –” 

“Why don’t you just try them and find out?” 

Lea raised an eyebrow, scowling. “Yeah, okay. I will.” He cut a wedge out of his pancakes, muttering under his breath the whole time, which made Isa roll his eyes, but he found it completely adorable. He was just so damn dramatic about everything. 

“You’re not a better cook than me,” Lea said, shoveling his pancakes into his mouth and pointing his butter knife accusingly at Isa as he chewed. “They’re not even that good. They’re not –” The moan of pleasure that rocked his body was so fucking loud, so orgasmic that it sent a jolt of electricity racing through Isa’s bones, awakening every cell within his body as warmth flooded into his abdomen. His grip on his coffee mug tightened so much that he thought the glass was going to break under the pressure, and all of the wind had been knocked out of him, like his brain had completely short-circuited and leaving him with nothing but pure, animal instinct and a desire burning like an inferno in his veins. 

“Fuck, they’re so light and fluffy,” Lea said around another moan that rattled deep within Isa, and he set his mug down and turned away from the other man, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. “I would make sweet love to these pancakes if I could. All night long. I would treat them right.” 

“They’re not…that good…” Isa murmured. He remembered how Lea used to moan into their kisses sometimes. It wasn’t a frequent thing back in Radiant Garden, but at the castle, it happened just about every single time they were making out, and he was so fucking loud that it almost embarrassed Isa because he knew that other people could hear him, but at the same time it drove him completely insane, and it had taken him every bit of effort to shut things down. They hadn’t had hearts. He didn’t think they did, anyway. He didn’t want them doing anything if they couldn’t fully feel it. 

But now…now they had hearts, and they could do whatever they damn well pleased. He glanced over at Lea, peeking through his fingers as he brought his hands up to his face to try to hide the color rushing into his cheeks, and he saw that glimmer of mischief in his eyes, and he knew – he knew without a shadow of a doubt – that the smug bastard was doing this all on purpose. 

“What are you doing?” he asked. 

Lea shrugged, dropping his fork. “I was just kidding. They are really good, though.” 

Isa stared at him, wondering if he could feel the same energy between them as he could. Obviously he could feel something. He sat there with that cute smile that he always tried to pass off as so innocent, and the longer they sat in silence like this, letting whatever strange feeling this was pass between them, the more nervous Isa became. And it seemed Lea wasn’t much better. It was like being thrown back to fifteen years old again, sitting underneath the sunset with his heart beating so wildly he thought he might die while he waited, hoping for Lea to kiss him. And he did. He had always taken the first step. 

So maybe it was Isa’s turn to do the same. 

It shouldn’t have been a conflict. He had been pining after Lea for years, ever since they grew apart and he did not expect anymore late night visits or stolen kisses in the hallways when they were sure no one was looking. He had wanted nothing more than for everything to just fall back into routine when he had arrived here, but realistically he knew that couldn’t happen. He wanted – he wanted so badly – and he was almost certain that on some level, Lea did too, but he was the rational one, and naturally, he thought things through far more than they needed to be sometimes. 

He could think of a thousand different reasons why he shouldn’t do this, most of them revolving around his own actions. He was happy for now, but really, he had been emotionally unstable since he had gotten here, and closing the distance between the two of them might just make everything worse. But then again, weren’t they all emotionally unstable to some extent? Perhaps that was even better reason to not do anything. 

He shifted away from Lea, still not fully recovered from all of the obscene noises he was making, and downed the rest of his coffee. “You’re really loud,” he said, his voice coming out sounding raspy, just barely above a whisper.

“I know. Larxene used to tell me I was the whore of the castle.” His lips turned up into a little smirk, but the amusement didn’t reach his eyes. “It sounds stupid, but I felt something. Back then. I knew I did. And I wanted you to know that, even if everyone else was telling us that we couldn’t, and you were so convinced you couldn’t feel anything. I…that sounds stupid, doesn’t it?”

Isa frowned, unable to meet Lea’s eyes. This wasn’t exactly a conversation he had expected to have when he had woken up this morning. “No…not really, no.”

“It does,” Lea said with a chuckle that had no joy behind it. “I was just afraid of you slipping away from me. I felt like you were. I was trying…” He sighed. “Why did you let me keep coming back? Every single day you told me that we were just grasping to memories, that we couldn’t possibly feel anything for each other anymore, but you kept letting me come back, and I just…didn’t understand, I guess.” He looked up, his eyes connecting with Isa’s for a brief moment. “I really was just kidding. Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

Isa rolled his eyes. Yeah, he’d made him uncomfortable. Just probably not in the way that he thought he had.

He didn’t understand how the conversation had transitioned so smoothly. One second, he was wanting to fuck Lea over some damn pancakes, and then they were talking about their feelings. He supposed that was just the way it was with them. It always had been. He remembered how often they had kissed under the stars and then fallen so easily into delving deep within each other’s souls.

Perhaps things were falling back into place with them after all.

“I kept letting you come back because I felt something too,” he said. “But I let them convince me otherwise. And then I convinced you. And you convinced Roxas. We were all just lied to. It was a vicious cycle.”

“But we broke it.”

“Took me a lot longer than it did you.” He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. He needed to stop. If he dove too deeply into the past, he knew that it would only result in another bad day, and he had promised himself he would give them a good day. They deserved it. He deserved it.

“Have you actually tried your pancakes?” Lea asked, livening up again.

“No. I had fruit.”

“That’s not breakfast! Come on, you gotta try ‘em. I know I said I was kidding, but they are kind of a spiritual experience.” He scooped up the last bit of his pancakes on a fork, then held it out to Isa, who hesitated only slightly before allowing Lea to feed him. 

“They’re fine,” he said, “but not worth having an orgasm at the table for.” 

Lea wrapped his arms around Isa’s waist and pulled him into an uncomfortable, but welcome, hug as he nestled his face into Isa’s hair. “I’m so glad you’re feeling better today,” he said. 

He could so easily close the distance between them. It would be so simple to just tilt Lea’s head up to look at him while he melted under his warm, affectionate gaze and press their lips together. He could only imagine that it would be awkward and clumsy at first, just as their first kiss ever had been, but they would quickly sink back into familiarity. It didn’t even have to be a long kiss. It could be just a quick peck; he wasn’t greedy. He just wanted to taste him again, to feel him. 

But he was a little bit of a coward when it came to all of this. That’s why he always let Lea take the lead. He settled on brushing the gentlest murmur of a kiss against the top of Lea’s head, a quick, fleeting movement, not even noticeable at all. Or maybe it was, because Lea’s grip on him tightened, and his nerves were suddenly a jumbled mess as his anxious mind quickly cycled through what could possibly happen next. But Lea didn’t say anything. And neither did he. They just sat there like that until there was a loud knock at the front door, followed by screams and the rush of footsteps from upstairs that could only be described as the stampeding of a thousand wild stallions. 

“Disney Tooooown!” Xion cried. 

More knocking, frantic this time, followed by more clattering and suddenly a loud crash like someone running into a wall. Then, “FUCK!”

Lea was already on his feet, running toward the source of the noise, and Isa was not far behind him. When they got to the foyer, they saw Roxas and Xion lying in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, with Roxas on top of Xion as she kicked and scrambled to try to get away. Isa went to her out of pure instinct, taking her hand in his own and pulling her to her feet, while Lea dropped down next to Roxas, who was sitting up and rubbing his head and groaning. 

“What the hell are you guys doing?” Lea asked. 

“We thought we could slide down the banister at the same time,” Roxas explained, “but Xion lost her balance and tipped over, and she grabbed me, and then we fell.” He looked up at Xion, and she smiled at him, which turned his groans of pain into a fit of giggles. 

“Uh-huh,” Lea said, his eyes lit up with amusement, “and where did you learn the fuck word?” 

“You?” Roxas said. “Isa? Hayner? Xion?” 

“Hey!” Xion exclaimed. “I have never said that word in my life!” She looked up at Isa, her eyes pleading. “I’ve never said fuck.” Then she clapped her hands over her mouth and shook her head rapidly, which caused Roxas to burst out laughing. It was infectious, spreading to Lea, to Isa, and once Xion realized she wasn’t in trouble, a burst of giggles bubbled out from her as well. 

“No cuts or scrapes?” Isa asked, examining Xion’s hands.

“Nope!” she exclaimed, flexing her scrawny arms. “I’m strong! I can take it!” Then she was throwing her arms around him in another hug, and this time, he managed to hug her back. “Isa, can I pick out your mouse ears when we get to Disney Town?” 

“Of course.”

“Great! And you can pick out mine too!”

“I’m trying every flavor of ice cream they have when we get there!” Roxas exclaimed, jumping up from the ground, and Xion nodded fervently in agreement.

“It’s nine o'clock in the morning –” Isa stopped himself, glancing over at Lea across the room, and he sighed and shook his head. He wasn’t going to argue against it, and he knew that Lea wasn’t going to either. It really only felt right to give them what they wanted right now. They had missed out on so much. And after all they’d been through…

One good day. He was going to give them all one good day.

……………………………………………………………………….

“Okay…so I’ve got royal berry ice cream, marshmallow coconut, raspberry and white fudge, sea salt caramel swirl, something with potato chips and chocolate in it…and this one is pumpkin with caramel…and this one is maple and coffee with bacon bits.” Roxas finished up dividing all of the ice cream cones that he and Hayner had gone to retrieve, not really bothering to ask what anyone wanted and just grabbing what they thought looked interesting.

“Sea salt caramel swirl!” Xion exclaimed, already digging into the concoction that Roxas had brought her. It had marshmallows and graham crackers sprinkled on top of it as well. She was going to crash really hard at the end of the day.

Isa ended up with the bacon thing and traded Pence for the pumpkin caramel cone. It didn’t even really matter, because they were all eating after one another anyway, and Olette was already on the way to grab more flavors for when they got done.

“Do you like your ears?” Isa asked Xion. She was seated next to him, buzzing with energy and looking like she was about to explode from excitement. He had picked some out for her that looked like rainbow swirl lollipops with a piece of candy in the middle for a bow.

“Yes!” Her voice was booming, like she wasn’t quite aware how loudly she was talking. Isa was almost certain he was the only person in their weird little family that was conscious of such things. “Yes, I love them so much! They’re so beautiful! I love all the colors.” She licked her lips and swiped at her chin, where the ice cream was dripping down, then looked up at him and grinned. “Do you like yours?”

She’d chosen a pair of purple sequined ears for him, which he took proudly. She said they’d reminded her of a mermaid.

“Of course. I’m going to keep them forever.”

Her eyes lit up. “Really? I’m so glad you like them! They look really nice with your hair. And your eyes.” She took his ice cream out of his hands, switching it with her own half-eaten cone. “You have to try it. It’s really really good.”

He did. And she was right. Everything about today was really good. The sun was shining brightly, not a single cloud to be seen in the sky, and the wind was blowing just enough to take the edge off of the heat. Every bit of Disney Town was buzzing with activity. Just like every other world, Disney Town had seen its fair share of darkness, but there seemed to be no remnants of it anywhere. It was in a kingdom of pure light now, and it extended its light out to everyone who passed through. Isa could agree that being here today had been a good decision – the best decision – for his health. The fear had crept up on him more times than one when he’d been lying in bed alone, fear that he was going to waste away into nothing, and there would be nothing he could do about it. He was just going to let it happen. He knew it wasn’t over, that the battle had just begun, and it was going to be long and grueling and tiresome, but he was willing to fight now. Because he had something to fight for. Days like this reminded him of that. 

“Have you guys finished the summer projects yet?” Olette asked. 

Hayner groaned melodramatically and fell back into his chair with a roll of his eyes. “Why are you talking about that here? We’re still on summer vacation!” 

“Yeah, but we only have three days left!” 

“Yeah, and today we’re in Disney Town. Tomorrow and the next day we’ll work on the project. Today, we play fruitball.” 

“Fruitball!” Roxas exclaimed, which started up more chanting from all of them, and suddenly they were not so interested in all of the ice cream flavors they had been dying to try. They all took off, running and chasing each other all over the main plaza in what seemed like a very unorganized game of tag with no purpose or sense of direction. They were still on a sugar high, practically bouncing off of the walls of every single building. The locals didn’t seem to mind; in fact, some of the children joined in with them, which seemed to thrill them even more. 

“Xion did good picking out your mouse ears.” 

Isa looked away from the chaos that the teenagers were creating toward Lea, who was sitting on the opposite side of their table. He had been quiet almost the entire time they’d been in Disney Town, but Isa hadn’t had any way to get him alone and ask if everything was okay. Every single second it seemed like someone was demanding his or Lea’s attention. But now they were alone, even if it was just for a moment. 

“Is everything okay?” Isa asked. 

“Yeah, fine,” Lea replied. He looked deflated, like all of the energy had been drained out of him. “Just tired, I guess. I’ve been thinking.” 

“That’s always dangerous,” Isa said, trying to lighten the mood. He didn’t get much response. “About what?” 

“Nothing. Never mind, I’m just tired.” He grinned, and Isa could see the strain that it was putting on him, pretending to be okay. He wouldn’t push him, though. He knew that pushing just made everything worse. “Come try this ice cream. It’s really good.” 

“Worthy of an orgasm?” Isa asked, sliding into the seat next to him and taking what was left of his ice cream cone from his hands.

That earned him a small laugh. “No, not quite. But it’s good.”

It was the royal berry ice cream, which was really just raspberry with chunks of dark chocolate and white chocolate mixed in. “I think I’m sick of ice cream,” Isa said.

Lea chuckled. “Come on, don’t say that. We’ve still got the clock tower at sunset every day.”

“I might have a different opinion of it tomorrow.”

Roxas came sliding over, barely able to contain his enthusiasm as he slammed into Lea’s chair, breathing heavily. “What are you guys doing? Fruitball! We gotta play! Come hang out with us and stop being loners.”

“Damn it, Roxas, we just got done eating like ten gallons of ice cream. How are you even standing up right now?” Lea said with a laugh, but Roxas didn’t respond. He was already grabbing Lea’s and Isa’s hands and pulling them up from the table, dragging them through the main plaza at an alarming rate toward the fruitball area.

“Hey, here’s an idea,” Lea said, once they’d caught up with Xion and the others. “How about I call Aqua and see if she and Terra wanna bring Ven over tomorrow?”

Roxas stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face him, eyes growing wide with excitement. “Really? But we’re supposed to be working on our school projects.”

“You have a whole day for that.”

“Okay! I’ll call later,” Roxas said. “But right now…fruitball!”

“What exactly is fruitball?” Olette asked. “It sounds…dangerous. Or sweet. I’m not sure which.”

“Don’t know but it looks like fun! Aqua is the best at it,” Xion explained. “She’s like a legend around here or something. You’ll get to meet her tomorrow! She’s so cool! She’s a Keyblade Master!”

“Aren’t you?” Hayner asked.

Xion scoffed. “Not a Master. Neither is Roxas. Or Lea. Not yet, anyway.”

Isa watched as the trio of Twilight Town teenagers turned their gazes upon him one by one, and he knew before they even spoke what they were going to ask.

“Do you have a Keyblade?”

“I…no. I don’t. I have a claymore. But I don’t use it anymore.”

“Oh.”

And just like that, he felt the divide settle in again. Of course, he wasn’t the only one without a Keyblade; the other three didn’t have one either, and they probably never would. But they were their own unit with their own special abilities. Isa felt like he was supposed to belong with Lea, Roxas, and Xion. He was feeling like he belonged more and more every day. But there were things that divided them, things that set him apart and made him feel as if he could never quite be a part of them.

Perhaps that was immature; he had spent a long time drowning in jealousy, and he was tired of it. It shouldn’t matter. But it kind of did.

He wouldn’t let it affect their day. Tomorrow might not look so good, but today was going to be fine.

“Fruitball?” Lea asked. He must have sensed the tension that it had caused.

“Yeah!” the teenagers cheered.

“Isa, you’re on my team, right?” Xion asked, already reaching for his hand.

“Yes, of course I’ll be. Just…give me a second, okay?”

She frowned, opening her mouth to argue, but then a look of understanding crossed over her face, and she nodded, running ahead with the rest of them.

“I shouldn’t have been bothered by that,” Isa said.

Lea shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the wall of the nearest building. “It’s okay. I get it.”

“I feel like I never could. Even if I wanted to.”

“Never?” He raised an eyebrow. “Well, don’t say that. You know Riku? And Aqua? Both of them have probably been touched by darkness more than any of us have, and they’re both Masters. Doesn’t have anything to do with it.”

“Okay. I don’t want to fight anything right now though,” Isa said with a sigh. “I’m tired.”

“Yeah, me too,” Lea replied with a chuckle. “I could sleep for ten years.”

Isa smiled at him. There was still something off about the way he was behaving, as if something was deeply troubling him. Whatever it was, he was keeping it all to himself. “Is everything okay?” he asked. “You’re always checking on me, but I’ve been such a mess I guess I’ve forgotten to check on you.”

“I’m fine, really,” Lea said, running a hand through his hair. “Sometimes I just feel kinda down, but I’m fine.”

“If you want to talk about it, I’m here.”

“I know. Thanks.”

Isa reached out and readjusted the mouse ears that Lea was wearing. They had fallen sideways. “I like your ears.” They were bright, seafoam green with polka dots, something that Xion and Olette had picked out.

“Thanks.” That earned him a smile.

“They match your eyes. It’s nice.”

“Hmm.” He smirked. “Are you flirting with me?”

“I…” Isa could feel his cheeks getting hot. Damn it. He got so flustered about every little thing. “I was making an observation.”

“I’m kidding!” Lea exclaimed. “You get so embarrassed all the time. It’s cute.” He poked Isa’s cheek and grinned.

“Are _you_ flirting with _me_?” His face was growing hotter. God, he felt like an idiot.

Lea shrugged. “Do you…want me to be flirting with you?”

“I…won’t tell you not to.” 

“Then…yeah. I'm flirting with you.” There was no shame, no embarrassment in his features at all. Isa didn’t understand how he was so unabashedly himself, how he could just move through everything with ease and not question his every single move. But it was something he loved about him. They were so perfectly opposite, so perfectly complementary with one another. They fit together like interlocking gears, even if maybe they had been a little off-balance for a while. 

“Why are you –” 

“Isa! Lea! Come on!” Xion was standing at the end of the alley, holding three oranges and a bunch of grapes. “We’re waiting.” 

“Coming!” Lea called back, which seemed satisfactory enough to her as she ran away again. He sighed, turning his attention back to Isa. There was this strange energy passing between them again, something that put Isa completely on edge, making his heart hammer loudly in his chest. It was so loud; it was a miracle that he was the only one that could hear it. 

“Why am I flirting with you?” Lea asked, seemingly confused by the whole situation.

“Yes?” Isa studied his face, but his expression was unreadable. 

“I dunno,” Lea replied with a shrug. “I kind of thought people did that when they liked someone?” 

It all seemed too good to be true. He wanted, so badly, to just take the leap, to be selfish and give himself what he’d been craving for years, but he couldn’t make himself do it. Something seemed off about the whole thing. Something seemed…wrong. “Lea –” 

“I never stopped caring about you. I know you thought I did, but I didn’t. When I wasn’t worrying about Roxas, I was thinking about you. I missed you so damn much I couldn’t breathe sometimes. I just wanted us to be together.” There were tears brimming in his eyes now. Isa hated crying, but it was somehow even worse when Lea cried, creating a deep, prickling ache inside of him that wouldn’t go away. “Why couldn’t we be together?” 

“Is this really what you’re upset about, or is there something else? Because we can be together now, if that’s what you want. We lost a few years, but –” 

“I died, Isa,” Lea said slowly, deliberately, taking a step closer to him. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, and the tears spilled over onto his cheeks. “Not the way a Nobody dies. I mean really, really died. At least, I think it was real. Sometimes it feels like just a recurring nightmare, and other times it feels like a distant memory that belongs to someone else, but…it was me. I’m not…” He sniffled, wiping at his face and taking in a shaky breath as he stepped closer to Isa. “I’m not scared of dying. Not if it’s for a good reason. I’m just scared of what I’m leaving behind.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Roxas. Xion. You. I’m scared of leaving all of you,” he said with a shrug. He was trying to stay calm and collected, but the more he fought it, the more he seemed to be crumbling apart. “I couldn’t sleep last night. I’m so exhausted. All I could think about was how it felt, everything slipping away like that with no warning, no way to say goodbye. I wasn’t sure…I mean, I wanted to believe in Sora, and I did, but being pulled so deep into the darkness like that is…it drains all your hope. And last night, I felt like it was just coming back again.” 

Isa was silent. He didn’t know what to say or do. The whole idea of it, of Lea dying, nearly knocked the breath out of him. Ever since he’d known him, Lea had seemed unshakable, immortal in some weird way, like there was no real way he could be wiped out of existence like that. And for it to happen so closely to Isa, without him knowing, without him feeling anything…he wouldn’t have had any idea what had happened to him, and he doubted anyone would have been kind enough to give him the details. 

But this wasn’t about him. This was about Lea, who was strong in ways that Isa could never hope to understand. He was stronger than any person he’d ever met. And yet, he had suffered trauma so great that it had managed to break him down into nothing, and he had suffered through it alone. He had carried the weight of it all by himself, sparing Isa and Xion and Roxas from ever having to deal with the pain of it all. 

Before he could think of anything to say, Lea was collapsing into his arms, his whole body shaking with sobs that he was so desperately trying to contain. “I can’t keep doing this every day,” Lea said, burying his face into Isa’s chest, his hands grabbing at the fabric of Isa’s jacket and his fingernails digging into his skin. “I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay when it’s not. I’m trying, I really am, but –” 

“You don’t have to pretend about anything,” Isa told him, snaking his arms around Lea’s waist and resting his head on top of Lea’s. He felt so small in his arms. “I’m sorry that I haven’t been better about keeping up with you. You’ve been through just as much as I have, if not more. If you need to fall apart for a little while, then do it. We can put the pieces back together.”

“I tried.” His voice was muffled as he pressed his face against Isa, still shaking. “I tried to get through the day and just make it until tonight, but I couldn’t do it. It just keeps creeping up on me, and I can’t seem to get away from it all.” 

“Do we need to go home?” 

Lea shook his head, pulling away from Isa just enough so that he could be face-to-face with him. His cheeks were red and tear-stained, and he wiped at them with the heels of his hands with a heavy, labored sigh. “No. I’m not ruining their day.” 

“They’ll understand –” 

He shook his head again, his eyes narrowed and steely with determination. “I want to give them everything they need, and they need this time with their friends. I’m going to give them that.” 

Isa wasn’t going to argue with him, no matter how badly he wanted to. He wanted to give Lea the proper things he needed to heal, and sometimes, being outside around other people and desperately grasping for distractions from the pain wasn’t exactly the greatest way of healing. But Lea already looked like he had put himself back together. If Isa hadn’t known it, he never would have guessed that Lea had been crying just a moment before. He had always been good at that, jumping flawlessly from one emotion to the next. It was equal parts powerful, admirable, and terrifying. 

“Come on,” Lea said, managing a smile as he took Isa’s hand and dragged him to the fruitball plaza. “I’m gonna throw some blueberries at you.” 

It was scary, watching him jump so quickly from falling apart to being happy and carefree again. There was something terribly wrong, and Isa had no idea how to fix it, if he even could fix it. He was not the only one who needed to heal. It seemed, though, that they just kept putting bandages over stab wounds, trying to pretend they weren’t there while dealing with the pain separately, never letting their wounds properly heal as they needed to. They couldn’t keep doing that. If they kept down this route, everything would just fall apart. Just like it had years ago.

……………………………………………………………………….

Xion and Roxas had fallen asleep at Disney Town, Xion resting up against Isa and Roxas against her, and Lea and Isa had ended up having to carry them home with the other three trudging sleepily like zombies behind them. The Keyblade was just about one of the only ways to travel in between worlds, and Isa realized, as they went back to Twilight Town, that without the three of them he would be stuck in one place. Unless he wanted to delve into the darkness again. Which he did not.

When they got home, they seemed like they were fully awake again for a few minutes, ready to go a few rounds on a video game that Roxas had just bought the other day, but the two of them ended up falling asleep with the loading screen still on as they sprawled out on Roxas’s bed, the glow of the television casting a bright white glow across them.

The whole day seemed so normal, so mundane. Like something a family would do. It actually ended up being okay. Mostly.

Isa changed into his pajamas and went to Lea’s room to say goodnight, but he didn’t find him there. Panic seized him momentarily (and perhaps unnecessarily), but after calming down and trying to think rationally, he decided he would try the den, and if that failed, then the roof.

He ended up having to climb out the window and swing himself up onto the narrow ledge that they all sat on when they rose early enough to watch the sunrise. And Lea was there, as he had half expected. He was curled into himself, a blanket draped over his shoulders and shivering, despite the heat of the late summer night. His eyes were half closed, as if he was on the verge of sleep but couldn’t quite get there.

“Xion and Roxas are asleep,” Isa told him, nestling in close to him. It felt natural to touch him now. He didn’t have to think about his every move. “They’re both in Roxas’s room, but I don’t think we should be concerned about it. They just passed out. They’re exhausted.”

Lea nodded. “So am I.”

“You should go to bed then. What are you still doing up?” There was heat coming off of Lea’s body, almost unbearable. Like he was actually about to catch on fire. And still, he shivered. It made Isa nervous.

“I know if I try to sleep, I’ll just have nightmares again.” Lea shrugged off the blanket a little and reached into his pocket, pulling out a carton of cigarettes.

“You don’t smoke,” Isa said.

Lea shook his head. “No. Never have, anyway. Thought I would try it at least once, you know? We didn’t really get a chance to try new things the last several years, did we?”

Isa watched as Lea lit the end of the cigarette with his own fire and stuck it between his lips, inhaling deeply and then coughing out smoke as he handed it over to Isa. “Fuck, I don’t like it. Take it away.”

Isa laughed a little and put it out on the roof. “Did you really think you would?”

“No.” He sighed, leaning his head on Isa’s shoulder and drawing the blanket close to him again. Isa felt like his body was in flames just sitting here like this with him. “I meant what I said. That wasn’t just me having an existential crisis and not wanting to die alone or whatever. I really did care about you. Always. I never stopped.”

Isa let out a breath and wrapped an arm around Lea’s waist, drawing him as closely to him as he could. “I never stopped caring about you either. All I wanted was for us to be on the same side again, to be a team, and I just…fucked it up, I guess.”

“So then what are we doing?” Lea asked. “Why are we not together now?”

“Because…I’ve only been back for a couple of weeks, and we’re just trying to figure everything out. I never wanted to rush into anything. We’re…we’re different people now. I wasn’t sure…if…” Lea pulled away from him, gazing at him with such intensity that he completely forgot how to form words. He didn’t even know what he was trying to say. God, he missed him. He missed him so damn much.

“If I wanted to be with you?” Lea asked, raising an eyebrow. “I always want to be with you. Even when it was hard to like you, I still wanted to be with you. My heart – and don’t tell me we didn’t have hearts because I know damn well we did – was crying out for you, and I know that sounds cheesy as hell, but you were always the other half of me, and you always will be. I chose you in Radiant Garden, I chose you constantly in the Organization, I’m choosing you now. I would choose you over a thousand different lifetimes. No matter what.”

“I…” Isa took in a breath, trying to calm his heartbeat, slamming violently in his chest. He had no idea what to say, no idea what to do. His nerves were a mess, his stomach twisting in knots, and all he wanted – all he had ever wanted – was to just have Lea back in his life again. Back in his arms again. And as he looked into his eyes, the pale light of the moon shining down on both of them, he could feel the pieces clicking into place. Right where they needed to be. He needed Lea. He needed him like he needed air. Maybe that was another cliche, but he didn’t care because it was true. Losing him had been just like losing his heart all over again. And he was afraid. So, so afraid of taking the next step. Even if they both felt the same way, it was terrifying, jumping into this new life and starting over and trying to line their scattered pieces up to fit together again, just like they always did.

But it was right. He knew it deep within his heart. He could not live without Lea. He had tried that, and it had been empty and meaningless. And now, it seemed, they needed each other more than ever before.

“I shouldn’t have even hesitated,” Lea said, slipping his hand into Isa’s. “I knew when you got back where we would end up. Because we always end up here.”

Isa let his eyes fall back on Lea’s again, and Lea grinned. It seemed like whatever had taken hold of him in Disney Town had passed by and disappeared, but that didn’t seem right. He was so quick to jump from one emotion to another, like they were little kids in Radiant Garden again, playing hopscotch without a care in the world. It didn’t make sense. It was terrifying. But they were both equally fucked up, weren’t they? And they needed each other. They had always needed each other.

“Is this what you want?” Lea asked, his expression falling for just a moment with uncertainty, but then his other hand found Isa’s cheek, and his mouth turned up into a slight smile. “You always blush so much. It’s so cute.” 

Isa frowned. Something about the way Lea was talking…like he was caught in some sort of dream. His voice was very light, very hollow, like he was talking to Isa from worlds away. He had no doubt that everything Lea was saying was true, that that was really how he felt, and it was enough to make Isa feel like he could be completely and totally alive again. 

But Lea wasn’t in a good mindset. He had been trying for far too long to bear the weight of his own pain. And Isa’s too. Even Roxas’s and Xion’s. He had not wavered for days. Every single second of every day was spent making sure his friends were happy and cared for. He’d been walking on a tightrope, just barely keeping his balance, and suddenly, it just snapped, and he was falling, right into the pit of despair that Isa had just clawed his way out of. 

“What are you thinking about?” Lea asked. His voice was broken, his eyes misty with tears that were sure to spill over at any second. 

“I’m thinking you need to get some rest.” 

“But –” 

“We can talk about this tomorrow. Neither of us need to be making decisions right now. Okay?” 

“It’s an easy decision to make. Do you want to be with me or not?” 

He looked so hurt, as if Isa had slapped him. Isa was trying to be a better person. He thought that he was being a rather rational person, and being rational wasn’t usually an option when it came to Lea. Lea made basically all of his brain cells shut down, and he ran purely on what his stupid, lovestruck heart wanted him to do. This is not how it was supposed to happen. This was not the right moment, and he knew very well that it wasn’t. They weren’t supposed to fall back in love because Lea felt the fear and anxiety of his nightmares creeping up on him or the inevitable plunge into death’s cold hands getting closer with each passing day…

He couldn’t believe Lea had tasted death already. The thought alone was enough to make it feel like ice was running through his veins. But Lea was warm. So, so warm. Unbearably warm. And Isa couldn’t figure out why. There was something terribly wrong, and Lea was teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown. 

“Of course I want to be with you,” he said, cupping Lea’s face in his hands. The tears spilled over onto Lea’s cheeks, tracing trails against Isa’s skin. He knew without a single doubt in his mind as he looked into Lea’s eyes right then that there was no point in fighting it anymore. Lea loved him. He could sit there and make a whole thesis about why he was an unforgivable, loathsome piece of trash who didn’t deserve love or affection, but it didn’t matter at all because Lea had forgiven him. He loved him completely and wholeheartedly. Unconditionally. It didn’t matter what he’d done in the past. It didn’t matter what he could do in the future. All that mattered was this moment, right here and now, and Lea was closing in on him, breaking down every single wall he’d ever built up around himself, all the walls he’d built up since getting here, trying desperately to keep them away from him, to keep them safe – 

He turned his head away, letting Lea fall into his arms again as he squeezed his eyes shut and let his own tears slip down his cheeks. Lea was crying again, his shoulders shaking with sobs, and Isa let one of his hands drift down to Lea’s throat, where he could feel his pulse fluttering beautifully underneath his skin. It was the most wonderful, calming thing, to be able to feel that he was alive and wrapped tightly in Isa’s arms. 

“Of course I want to be with you,” he whispered, feeling Lea’s grasp tighten around him. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I also want you to be okay, and I don’t think you are right now. Are you?” 

Lea rose up to look at him, shaking his head. He looked so tired and defeated. His eyes, still a brilliant green, had dulled considerably. There was something haunting about them, like the terrors and traumas were lying in wait just below the surface, waiting to break forth and devour him. Isa felt a sharp pain tear through his chest, knowing that Lea was hurting and there wasn’t much he could do about it. Perhaps that’s how Lea had felt, looking at him as he wallowed in his self-hatred and fell to his own destruction. 

He pressed a gentle kiss to Lea’s forehead, letting his lips linger for just a moment, and Lea sighed contentedly and closed his eyes, resting against Isa’s chest. His skin felt cooler now, his muscles slowly relaxing and his heart rate evening out to a dull, sleepy rhythm. 

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Lea asked. 

“Yes,” Isa replied, tucking a piece of hair behind Lea’s ear. “Of course I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned on making this fic even more slow burn, but uhh this kind of felt natural to me? So?? Idk to be continued.


	12. Fire in My Veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > Time goes by and everyday is something new.  
> Though the cold has turned to summer,  
> I'll be right up next to you.  
> I don't know how I could live any other way,  
> I'd be lost with no direction, if it wasn't for the day  
> That I kissed you.
> 
> -"October" by Jon D
> 
> This chapter grabbed me by the throat and threatened to kill me. No, really, me and this chapter struggled a lot, so I know it's not good. Warning: mentions of mental illness and some pretty light smut (I don't even know if I would call it smut) with some violence. I've never written anything like this before, so please bear with me. I'm trying to expand my writing skills. Also, I'm very sorry about all of the angst in this chapter. I was originally planning on lots of fluff, but uhhh...I really don't know what happened. I promise there will be fluff in the next couple of chapters and like, little to no angst.

He awoke the next morning feeling lighter than he had in days. In fact, he’d slept so hard that last night – the whole day, really – felt more like a dream, and he wasn’t sure if Lea had actually confessed he still had feelings for him until he realized he felt weight on his right arm, and he glanced over and saw that Lea was asleep against him. He was not in his bedroom; he’d ended up in Lea’s after they left the rooftop, and as far as he knew, they’d both fallen asleep rather quickly and slept peacefully through the night.

He tried to wiggle his arm out from underneath Lea without waking him up, and he succeeded and rolled over so that they were facing one another now. This was the morning he had been wanting to get back for so long. Several years ago, Lea had stopped spending the night with him in the castle, and he would wake up in a cold bed in an empty room, convincing himself that he felt nothing when really his heart ached so badly he could hardly get up and move. He had missed him. He had missed rolling over and seeing someone next to him. He had missed Lea waking up and yawning and kissing him all over his face and neck while he chattered nonstop about his dreams and how he thought he might feel. This was all he had been craving for so, so long.

Slowly and silently, he reached across the bed and ran a finger over Lea’s cheek, tracing a line to his chest. It still felt like a dream. He wasn’t sure he was awake. But everything felt so real. He shifted, moving closer to Lea, and watched as his body rose and fell with each gentle breath. He was so peaceful, so beautiful with the overbearing sunlight streaming in through the curtains and falling on him. It seemed to make him glow.

Isa nestled next to him, resting his head on Lea’s pillow just a few inches away from his face. His lips were parted just slightly, a line of drool dripping down his chin over a cluster of freckles that Isa had never noticed before. He gently ran the pad of his thumb over them, trying to commit them to memory, and then went a little higher to brush his bottom lip. Soft, just as he remembered. He wanted to kiss him. No, it wasn’t even just that. He wanted every little piece of him. He wanted them to become one body, one soul, their jagged, broken pieces finally clicking into place with one another once again. He wanted, he _wanted_ – but he would not give himself the luxury. 

Lea sighed, his warm breath hitting Isa’s skin, and he shifted one of his legs so that one of his knees was digging into Isa’s thigh. “Are you watching me sleep?” he asked. 

“N-no,” Isa responded, quickly rolling away from him, getting to the other side of the bed as quickly as he could. There was no harshness to Lea’s words, though, no discomfort. 

He cracked open his eyes a little and smiled. “Do you still write poetry, Isa?” 

Isa glanced over at him but would not meet his eyes. His heart was beating painfully against his ribs, and his skin felt like it was going to melt right off of him. “I’ve never written poetry. I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Lea grinned even more, sidling up to him so that his head was resting on Isa’s shoulder and his hair tickled against his face. “Demyx said he found some on your computer one time and it was really good. He was quoting it for weeks. It was about Kingdom Hearts –” 

“Wasn’t mine. Why are you even talking about this?” 

He felt Lea shrug against him. He still couldn’t look at him. “Just wondering if you ever wrote any poems for me.” 

He did. Hundreds of them, probably. He’d wasted so many notebooks going off into tangents that turned into poems, some into just ridiculous love letters with sappy, embarrassing feelings poured out all over the page and marked out in heavy black ink to be replaced with something stupid like, “You’re okay, I guess,” or “You’re not as bad as the others.” He’d even thought about trying to compose something because he _did_ love the piano and wanted to play, but his dad had always made it seem like a chore. The terrible and sloppy composition he’d tried writing for Lea had ended up in a box in the castle just like everything else he’d ever written. All of the hours wasted away as he sat at his desk, absolutely and unarguably feeling something, feeling everything, only to be convinced the next day it was nothing but a memory. That’s why he’d discarded them. Because they were just pieces of memories he could not put back together. He could not feel anything. They were trash, and all they did was enrage him. Another feeling he’d been told he could not feel. 

“Yes,” he said, without any explanation. The explanation didn’t matter. None of it was worth reading. They were all produced by an emotionless madman wasting away in a castle and biding his time until he could get his heart back and feel the things he had already been feeling. “What made you think of that?” 

“I saw one once,” he said, nestling up closer to Isa. He was so warm, and his head fit perfectly in the crook of Isa’s neck. “You left your notebook open on your desk, and you left the room to go talk to Xemnas about something. I wasn’t going to read it, but I saw my name at the top of the page, and…it was really good. You told me I couldn’t cry, but I think I almost did.” 

Isa cleared his throat and shifted, rolling over to face Lea again. Their legs were a tangled mess; Lea was clutching on to him as if he was afraid he was going to slip away again. “Did you sleep okay?” Isa asked. 

“Fine, I guess. Better than I have been. I just feel like I never got time to rest. I just immediately got a keyblade, and then I was training with Kairi, and then we were fighting. There was just no time to sit and think about everything we’ve been through. Until now. And even now, keeping Xion and Roxas and you happy was way more important to me.” 

Isa sighed. “You should stop putting me before yourself. I’m not worth it.” 

“Stop it,” Lea said, cupping Isa’s face in his hands. “Stop, okay? You’re worth it to me. You always have been. Do you think I would have defended you for as long as I did if you weren’t worth it? Do you think I would have bothered trying to bring you back home if you weren’t worth it? If I didn’t care about you, I would have stopped fighting you a long time ago and just let you go. But I didn’t. Because I wanted you back.” He smiled a little and pushed some hair out of Isa’s face. “Got it memorized?” 

He was staring at Isa with such intensity that he could barely keep eye contact with him. Isa had been awful to him. He had been the cause of the rift between them, tearing away at every single bit of the foundation they had built themselves upon. He’d torn it all up by hand, wishing to do damage, to hurt him, to make him feel the same way that Isa was feeling at the time. He had watched as the world he’d built around Lea had crumbled into nothing but dust and debris. And he’d let it. He’d let his pride, his jealousy, destroy every single good thing that he had left in the world. But he never stopped loving. There was never a second of hesitation when it came to his feelings about Lea. Buried under all of that mess – the rage, the pain, the hurt – was a love so passionate, so powerful, that it outweighed every other thing that had ever mattered, which is why it had ultimately ended up dragging Isa home. Whatever else he thought he’d needed ultimately paled in comparison with thoughts of Lea, with thoughts of moments like this where they could be so close and talk so openly and just feel. He did not have to put up walls, no rough, thorny exteriors to keep everyone out. He could let Lea in again. 

He hadn’t even realized that he was moving closer toward him, like some sort of gravitational pull, until he was only an inch away, his nose brushing against Lea’s, and he stopped himself. There was this weird fluttering in his stomach, the same feeling he’d experienced when he was fifteen years old, sitting beneath the sunset in Radiant Garden in the electric charged seconds before Lea had crashed down on him, his lips meeting Isa’s for the first time in a brief, clumsy mess that had left him feeling disoriented and more complete than he’d ever been in his life. 

“You have me back now,” he whispered. It felt like his heart was cartwheeling in his chest. It was painful, erratic, beautiful, perfect. And right. Everything about this moment was right. “So what are you going to do with me?” 

“Hmm…whatever you want me to do.” He had dropped his voice down to that low, husky purr he always used, and his thumb traced over Isa’s bottom lip before he gently pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth. Teasing, but Isa could feel the need behind it, the desire. He could feel it rushing through his own veins as well.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked. “I would understand…I mean…it just seems like –”

“Isa, do you know how long I’ve been waiting for you? You don’t even have to ask. I want a new normal and so do you, and there’s nothing that would make life feel more normal again than the two of us being together. You know that. Right?”

“Right, but if it’s too much too fast, then –”

“Isa, shut the fuck up and kiss me. You think too much.”

He hesitated for just a second too long, but it didn’t matter because Lea was already swooping in on him, capturing his lips with his own in a hungry, greedy sort of way that rendered Isa nearly numb, unable to figure out what to do with anything, where to put his hands, how to move his lips. It was awkward and uncomfortable, just like their first kiss ever, but after a few seconds, the memories flooded back to him, the way they had fit so well together, and he fell back into the familiar rhythm with ease, grabbing Lea’s hips and dragging him closer to him, so close that their bodies could have just melted into one as he deepened the kiss. Lea still tasted like the royal berry ice cream from yesterday. Always, _always_ the ice cream taste lingering on him. It was so familiar, so welcoming, almost like they had been like this the entire time, no interruptions, no horrible pining over long years.

He felt Lea’s hands tangle in his hair, and he moved in even closer, his tongue pressing against Lea’s lips and prying them open as his hand slid underneath his shirt, gliding over the smooth skin of his torso. Their teeth clacked together painfully, but it didn’t even matter; he just wanted more of him. He bit down on Lea’s bottom lip rather roughly, which tore a loud moan out of Lea that flooded the otherwise silent house and made Isa laugh for some reason as he pulled away and started to kiss down his jawline.

“Stop laughing at me,” Lea said, nudging him playfully and tilting his head back so Isa had better access to his neck. “I really missed you.”

“I missed you too.” He couldn’t stop the soft laughter coming from him, even as he pressed gentle kisses to Lea’s skin and made his way back up to his lips. “I’m laughing because I’m happy.”

“Me too.” Lea sighed against him, closing his eyes and pulling away for a second as they lay there, nothing but the sound of their own breathing filling the air as Isa pressed a hand against Lea’s chest, feeling his heartbeat and almost crying with relief. He was alive, so so alive. He wasn’t sure what he would have done if something would have actually happened to Lea, if his life would have slipped away and for some reason Sora couldn’t have gotten to him in time. But no, he couldn’t think about that, about Lea slipping far beyond his reach and never being able to return. He was alive. They both were.

He leaned forward, kissing Lea again, unable to stop himself. This was all he wanted to do today, just lie here in bed and hold him and touch him and let him do whatever he pleased with his body. He stopped when he felt warm liquid drip onto his skin, and he opened his eyes, watching as tears slipped down from underneath Lea’s eyelashes.

“Hey,” he said gently, his voice barely above a whisper as he wiped the tears away. “I hope those are happy tears and you’re not crying because I’m a bad kisser. To be fair, I’m terribly out of practice.”

Lea chuckled a little bit and wiped at his cheeks. “No, they’re happy tears, I promise. You’re not a bad kisser.”

“How would you know? You don’t have anything to compare it to.”

He wasn’t even sure why he said that. It was just supposed to be a joke, but the brief second of hesitation that followed gave him more information than he had asked for, and he frowned, lips parting with the question he didn’t want to ask. Lea didn’t give him the opportunity, though. He was already on him again, kissing him roughly, his hands gripping at Isa’s hips and his fingernails digging into his skin. A welcome burn. A reminder that it was him – no one else – that Lea wanted.

He’d had problems with envy in the past. It was his most fatal flaw, the one thing he was for sure would be his downfall if he didn’t learn to get himself under control. But what reason did he have to be jealous? He was the one who had abandoned Lea, the one who’d turned his back and let everything they had slip away. Did he really expect for Lea to just wait for him, hoping each day that maybe he would come back and they would be together again? Was it really fair to hold something like that against him? He was a grown man. He could do whatever he damn well pleased.

But the thought of someone else touching him, someone else tasting the sweet and salty flavor of ice cream on his lips, made him almost black out with rage. It wasn’t that big of a deal. He kept telling himself that as he felt Lea’s lips move greedily against his own, but it wasn’t enough. No matter how many times he told himself, it wasn’t enough.

“Who was it?” he asked, pulling away from him, trying to keep his voice level. He wasn’t sure if he was really angry more so than hurt. But he didn’t feel like he had the right to feel either.

“Doesn’t matter,” Lea said, trying to kiss him again, but Isa turned his head away and sat up, putting distance between them.

“Someone in the Organization?” His words had a bite behind them, he knew, and he was trying really, really hard not to let it bother him.

“Are you really mad about this?” Lea asked. He sat up too, moving closer to Isa and pushing the hair away from his neck to place a kiss there. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Isa sighed. Even that sounded angry and bitter. God, he wished this didn’t bother him. “Just tell me. I’m not mad.” He was. He was very mad, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He had no reason to be mad.

Lea was his own person. He did not exist just for Isa’s enjoyment. He didn’t exist to pour all of his attention on to Isa. Isa was just too damn clingy. He always had been. He’d always been afraid of losing the only person who mattered to him, the person he’d built an entire world around, while Lea had only made Isa a part of his. But Lea was not just his. He was Roxas’s. He was Xion’s. He belonged to everyone he knew, everyone who was touched by his light. They all held a little piece of him. And Isa had been greedy. So, so greedy, never wanting anyone else to have any bit of him at all.

That had to change. If they kept spiraling down that path, it was only going to lead to heartbreak and the destruction of a relationship he’d waited for so long to get back. So slowly, he unclenched his jaw and looked over at Lea, forcing the feelings aside. Focusing on the present. They were here, they were alive, and he was almost one hundred percent certain that he was the only person Lea wanted. The past didn’t matter.

“You’re right,” he said. “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter.”

Lea frowned, pushing some hair behind his ear. A habit that only showed when he was incredibly nervous and didn’t know what to do. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Because it kind of seems like it does.”

Isa hesitated. Of course he wanted to know, but he didn’t want to be this jealous psychopath anymore. He’d done that, and it was terrifying, and all it did was make everyone around him miserable. No one wanted to be around him. He didn’t even want to be around himself.

“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to,” he said.

Lea shrugged. “I don’t mind telling you, if it’ll clear the air. Just…didn’t really expect to have this conversation today.”

“Then let’s not. I don’t care, okay?” The words almost felt like the truth. He was getting better. “The important part is that I’m here with you right now –”

“And you’re the only person I want to be with. Back in the day, I got really pissed at you, and –”

“You wanted to hurt me. I know the feeling.”

Lea sighed. It felt like there was a valley opening up between the two of them again, just for the briefest moment. But neither of them would let it this time. They were both desperately grabbing on, trying to cross the bridge to reach one another. “Can we not do that anymore?” Lea asked. “I don’t really know what happened to us, but…I just want to get back to how we used to be. I know it won’t be exactly the same, but I just…want it to be simple again.”

“It will be,” Isa said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s okay,” Lea replied, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. “But for the record, it happened three times. Once with Larxene, twice with Demyx. Every single time I was drunk off my ass, and so were they.”

Isa clenched his fists so hard that his nails bit into his palms. His mouth felt dry. But then he rolled his eyes and barked out a laugh, settling his gaze on Lea again. “Demyx? Really? I thought you had better taste than that.” 

Lea grinned. “I do. That’s why I’m here with you.” In one swift, graceful motion he was on Isa, straddling him and cradling his face in his hands as he drew him into a slow, gentle kiss. “And by the way, you’re still a better kisser than both of them. Even if you’re out of practice.”

“Good to know.” He rested his hands on Lea’s hips, drawing him closer to him. His body was still coiled tightly like live wire, but he was trying to relax, to just let everything go and exist right now. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Demyx, that stupid smile and his stupid haircut and _God, he was such an idiot why him of all people?_

“Isa?”

“Hmm?”

“What are you thinking about?”

Isa bit down on his lower lip and looked up at Lea, looming over him so beautifully with the tiniest of smiles and a concerned look in his eyes. His expression fell once he realized, and he let out a heavy breath. “Is it really that big of a deal?”

“It isn’t!” Isa exclaimed with a smile, and just to assert his claim, he pulled Lea into another kiss. “It isn’t. Really. I’m not upset. I just…Larxene I can respect. I think. I mean, I understand. But Demyx?”

Lea rolled his eyes and laughed as he placed a kiss on Isa’s forehead. “Can we please stop talking about Demyx? Kind of a turn off, you know.”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“Are you still ticklish right here?” Lea asked as he swooped in and kissed the skin below Isa’s ear. Isa tried to move, laughing and pushing Lea away, but that had given Lea his answer, and he fought against Isa’s grip on his wrists and kissed him again.

“Stop stop stop,” Isa said, but Lea just kept coming, smiling and giggling and placing kiss after kiss below his ear. “Stop it, Lea. I’m serious.”

“No, you’re laughing! It’s cute. I missed your laugh.”

Isa turned his head, letting go of Lea’s arms finally and just stopped fighting it as his own hands fell back down to Lea’s hips. After a while, it stopped tickling and just became…nice. It felt really good, and he closed his eyes and let Lea’s arms wrap around his neck and his hands tangle in his hair as he nipped and sucked at the same spot below his ear, eventually dropping lower and making a wet, sloppy trail down his neck.

“Fuck,” Isa murmured, his grip tightening around Lea’s waist. He was so wiggly, his whole body vibrating with energy as he writhed against Isa, creating a great deal of friction between them that sent a wave of heat shooting right through Isa’s core.

“Too much?” Lea asked, still kissing and biting at his neck and collarbone. Isa could not see his face from the way he was turned, but he could feel the grin on his lips.

“No, you’re fine. Keep going.” He was hard, and Lea kept pressing against him, sending fresh waves of heat coursing through his veins. It took every ounce of self-control he had not to moan or cry out Lea’s name. It’d been so long since he’d been touched, so long since he’d been kissed, and each little thing was setting him on fire. His interest had faded just a little over time, but he’d never stopped hoping, dreaming of the moment he could be like this with Lea again. And there was nothing holding them back anymore.

His grip tightened on Lea’s hips, his fingernails digging into smooth skin, and Lea made a soft noise that was somewhere between a gasp and a moan that was cut off as Isa lifted his head and captured his lips in his own. A lustful, feverish kiss, fueled purely by blind desire and longing.

“Isa,” Lea whimpered, his voice nearly broken like he was going to start crying again. His back arched, and he pressed against Isa again, hips moving just slightly in a sort of desperate plea. He was hard too. Isa could feel him through his flannel pajama pants, rubbing against him as his arms tightened around Isa’s neck and he pressed their foreheads together, drawing him into another kiss. It was so desperate, so needy, as if he thought they might never have this opportunity again. As if this was the only thing keeping them alive.

There was something familiar traveling through Isa’s body, some powerful force that drove him to near insanity as he tilted his head up and took Lea’s bottom lip between his teeth, sucking and biting at it as Lea continued to grind against him, his hands running through Isa’s hair, his warm breath tickling against his skin. It was the warning sign, the flash of neon lights in his mind’s eye telling him that he was no longer in control, that the monster that rested deep within him was rising to the surface, and there was nothing he could do about it. He could feel the fangs growing, elongating, clamping down on Lea’s lip and drawing blood and a sharp hiss of pain from Lea’s mouth, and he tore himself away, blinking, trying to separate himself from this moment briefly while he gathered his wits. There was a line of red dripping down Lea’s chin, and his fingers left Isa’s hair for a second as he swiped at the blood, more startled than anything.

“Fuck. Sorry.” The self-hatred was settling in. His breathing picked up, his heart hammering in his chest, and the grip he had on Lea’s waist was starting to be painful to him, so he knew that it was bruising Lea. Slowly, he pulled his fingers away, staring at the red marks that were starting to form there. “Maybe we should stop. I…got a little too excited too fast.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Lea said with a smirk, pressing his finger to Isa’s throat. “I left bruises on you too.”

“It’s different.”

Lea grinned even more, not even bothered at all by the injuries Isa had left on him. “Only a little. If you wanna stop, we can stop. But I was having fun. Still am, even with the blood.” He lifted Isa’s top lip up just slightly and peered at the fangs that were still there, his pupils blown wide, and a shudder ran through his body.

“Don’t tell me you like this,” Isa said. “It’s humiliating. I hate that I can’t get this to stop. It’s useful in a fight, but…” He sighed. The power was fading; he could feel the fangs retreating now, and he was not left wondering if he was going to accidentally go berserk and snap Lea in half. Maybe he had more control than he thought he did. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Lea rocked back onto the bed, putting a little distance between the two of them as he shrugged, his lower lip poking out into a pout. “It’s okay. I want you to hurt me. Fucking tear me apart. Drag your teeth across my skin and rip me wide open.” 

He looked so innocent, his eyes wide and framed by long, thick lashes and a mess of red hair, but there was something dark hiding just below the surface, crossing over his features briefly like a fleeing shadow, reminding Isa of the way he had been behaving last night, like he was in some sort of dream or hallucination. It would have been entirely different if this was some sort of pain kink he had, but it felt like something a little deeper than that, and far more terrifying. 

“No,” Isa said. “What’s wrong? What happened?” 

Lea shrugged again. His eyes were a little unfocused as he crawled forward on hands and knees toward Isa, his lips turning up into a smirk as he kissed him. “Nothing. I’m fine.” 

Isa did not kiss him back. He jerked away, watching as the hurt traveled over Lea’s face. “I don’t believe you. Something’s wrong. You were fine, but then –” 

“I’m still fine. Just kiss me.” He grabbed Isa’s hands, guiding them to his waist, gasping as his fingers grazed over the bruises growing darker on his skin. Lea leaned forward, pressing his lips roughly to Isa’s, moaning into his mouth so loudly that it awoke the monster again. Isa felt his grip tighten subconsciously, the fangs starting to grow again, and all of his senses heightened greatly. The feel of Lea’s body on top of him, the smell – something like smoke and maybe apples mixed with salt and sweat – and the taste. God, he tasted so good. He just kept shoving his tongue further into Isa’s mouth, licking at the roof of it and gliding roughly against his sharp canines as more blood spilled from his mouth. The metallic taste was horrible, not nearly as nice as the salty-sweet taste that Lea had originally left on him, but it seemed to excite Lea greatly as his hands traveled over Isa’s chest and he pressed harder against him, thrusting his hips downward almost painfully as he moaned and gasped and blood dripped down from his lips. 

“Stop it,” Isa hissed, forcing through the haze of the violent beast that was trying so hard to make its way to the surface. That version of him loved the blood, the violence, the pain. But there was something horrible about this, and he needed to get control of the situation before things got worse. “Stop it, Lea. Something’s wrong – and I need – to understand – what it is.” 

He could barely get his words out. Lea just kept crashing into him, gnawing on his lips until they were throbbing and swollen, and any other time maybe he would have enjoyed this, but something had happened, and he had to stop it. 

“It's nothing!” Lea exclaimed. “Would you relax?” 

Isa shoved him away from him, probably far more violently than intended, but it seemed to shake Lea out of whatever nightmarish stupor he was caught in for just a moment. Then, a flash of anger like storm clouds rolled over his face. 

“Fine, Isa! You think something’s wrong, then tell me what you think it is. I can already tell you’ve got your own answers for why I’m so fucked up so please, tell me. Psychoanalyze me. Tell me why I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind.” 

Isa hesitated. There was a wild look in Lea’s eyes now, a deep, unbridled anger that he had never seen there before. He balled his hands into fists and squeezed his eyes shut, trying to get control of his breathing again. It always felt like this when he lost his grip on himself, like some wild beast racing through the forest after its prey, heart hammering, muscles tensed for the kill. When he opened his eyes again and focused on Lea’s face, he sighed, and the power resided. He loved him. He loved him so damn much, and the worry and fear he felt for him right now was suffocating. 

“I think…” Isa started, lowering his voice and trying to remain calm as he crawled over to Lea, brushing the mess of hair out of his face. There were tears brimming in his eyes, but he still looked manic, stuck in some sort of nightmare he couldn’t escape. “I think that before you died, you had this idea that you were somehow invincible. Immortal, even. And when death was able to touch you and almost took you away, you lost your sense of who you were. It probably made your view on life and reality shift, and you’re trying to get back what you had. So now…” He sucked in a breath, thinking over the words carefully before saying them out loud. “Now you’re wanting to put yourself in dangerous situations so that you can see how close you can get to death without it actually touching you. To…trick yourself, I guess.” 

He did not claim to be an expert on the complicated pathways of the human heart or the human psyche, but he thought he was an expert on understanding Lea, even if this was a side of Lea that he had never seen before. He wanted to live on, physically and inside people’s memories, and once he realized that that wasn’t possible forever, it caused something inside of him to snap. He was traumatized, something running far deeper than Isa could have imagined, and all he wanted to do was pull him into his arms and hold him tightly and make all of the pain go away. But that maniacal look in his eyes, the way his lips curled over his bared teeth…he was stuck in some sort of delusion, and Isa needed to keep his distance. 

“Oh yeah? Is that what it is?” Lea snarled, his voice coming out broken and raspy again as tears spilled down his cheeks, but there was a bitter edge to it, an intense rage burning inside of him and trying to escape.

“I can’t tell you what’s going on in your mind,” Isa said. “You have to tell me.” It was like trying to walk on broken glass. His gaze kept falling to the dried up blood on Lea’s chin and then back up to his eyes, his wild and haunted eyes, dark and filled with a brewing storm. He gulped, trying to swallow back the words that were trying to escape his lips, knowing that it would only serve to deal more damage, but he needed to get it out. What use would it do to not talk about his feelings? All of these things he’d been bottling up for so long, things he wouldn’t dare to say to Lea for years. He needed to say what was on his mind. “It scares me that, for some reason, you think that I’m going to hurt you, and it makes me think that you don’t trust me as much as you say you do.” 

Lea gritted his teeth, his jaw clenched so hard that Isa thought it might just break. “Fuck you,” he growled. “You don’t know anything about me.” 

Isa sighed. The words were painful, biting into his skin and tearing at him worse than any blade he’d been hit with. It wasn’t true; they were different people now, yes, but he still had some understanding of him, and the parts of him that he didn’t understand he was trying to grasp. “Perhaps we’re moving too fast. We should back off –” 

“No –” 

“–until both of us get better adjusted to our lives now.” 

“Isa…” The anger was gone from him completely. He blinked, letting the remainder of his tears roll down his cheeks, and he shook his head. When he looked back up, his eyes connecting with Isa’s again, it seemed that everything was back to normal. Whatever darkness had seized him was gone far away, and it was just Lea, broken and scared and desperate as he closed the distance between the two of them and fell into Isa’s arms again. Isa sighed with relief as he leaned back into the pillows, pulling Lea close to his chest and wrapping his arms tightly around him. He placed a kiss on top of his head, then shifted a little so that Lea could bury his face in the crook of his neck. Fear still gripped at his heart, but it was slowly fading, outweighed by the consolation that Lea was okay now, that he was safe, that whatever darkness had crossed him did not have a grip on him any longer. 

But he knew it would come back. Neither of them were safe from their own minds. 

“I’m sorry,” Lea murmured, his words barely audible against Isa’s skin. “I don’t know what happened. I was fine, and then I just started to panic, and I…I don’t know. Maybe you’re right.” One of his hands traced down Isa’s abdomen, stopping at the hem of his shirt, and he balled the fabric up in his fist and let out a weak sob. “Please don’t give up on me.” 

“I would never,” he said. “I’m going to be here with you no matter what.” 

Lea tilted his head upward and placed a kiss at the edge of Isa’s mouth, and Isa turned so that he could press a real kiss against his lips, a slow, gentle, passionate kiss. A promise. They were in this together again, through whatever sort of ailment that the darkness in their hearts and minds tried to put them through. Maybe it was better for him to back off, or maybe it was better to just keep things as they were. He wasn’t sure, but he knew that he could not tear himself from Lea again, and he was sure that Lea felt the same. 

“You think we’ll ever get back to where we were before this whole mess started?” Lea asked. 

“Hmm. Probably not. But we’ll heal together, and you know what? I think we might come out closer than we ever were before.” 

Lea smiled a little and closed his eyes, nuzzling against Isa’s neck. “That’s optimistic. Thank you.”

“We’re both going to have bad days. The important part is that we keep fighting. And we’ll fight together.” He slid his hand into Lea’s, squeezing tightly, his thumb rubbing soothing circles over his smooth skin.

“And we can still stay like this?” Lea asked.

“Yes. Absolutely. I missed holding you like this.”

Lea chuckled a little bit, sending a warm vibration traveling through Isa’s bones. “I used to be the big spoon.”

“You can still be the big spoon. Sometimes. But not right now. Let me hold you.” He nestled his face into Lea’s hair, and Lea laughed and wiggled against him, pressing another kiss below his ear. 

“You know,” he said, running a finger over the dark spots he’d left on Isa’s neck, “you’ll have to explain this to Roxas and Xion.” 

“Like hell I will. You’re the one who put them there.” He sighed, frowning, and closed his eyes as he pressed another kiss to the top of Lea’s head. “Maybe we don’t have to back off completely, but…we should probably slow down. Refamiliarize ourselves with each other.” 

Lea opened his mouth and let out the tiniest whimper, like he was going to protest, but then he nodded. “Okay. Yeah. I can be okay with that.” 

“Good. We’ll be fine.” Isa let his hand drift to Lea’s waist, and he lifted his shirt up just a little to rub at the bruised skin over his sharp hip bone. The simple touch pulled a long, low moan from Lea’s lips, and he intertwined his fingers with Isa’s and tugged his hand gently, guiding him southward down his body until Isa resisted. “That’s not taking it slow.” 

“Sorry.” He yawned, releasing his hold on Isa, and flopped onto his back on the bed with a soft, sleepy smile. “You’re just so damn irresistible. I missed the way your hands felt on me.” 

He had dropped his voice down to that low, sultry purr again, a tiny smirk playing on his lips. He was so pretty, the way his whole body relaxed against the bed, his arms raised above his head and his hair fanning out gorgeously around his face. It was irresistible, like an open invitation that Isa could not turn down. He crawled over to him, settling in between his legs and hovering just a few inches above him as he pushed his shirt up again and ran his hands over his belly. 

“Isa…” Lea’s hands found their way into his hair again, and Isa leaned down and placed gentle kisses along his hips where the bruising was. It made Lea whimper and writhe against him, and he couldn’t stop himself as he let his lips and tongue gently glide over his skin. He could feel Lea pushing down on him, not in a forceful way, but he was definitely trying to ease his head downward onto his crotch, and Isa almost let him. It would be so easy. So, so easy to slide his pants down to his thighs and take Lea into his mouth, feeling the weight of him on his tongue like he so desperately wanted to do. But he wouldn’t do it. Not yet. He didn’t know if he was going to lose control or if Lea was going to black out again, and right now, he just couldn’t trust it. 

“That’s not taking it slow,” Lea said with a laugh. “Did you change your mind?” 

“No. I think that’s what’s best. I just…wanted to kiss where I’d hurt you.” 

“I get that, but you need to stay up here,” Lea said, gesturing to his face, “because you’re driving me crazy.” 

Isa smiled a little at him and abandoned his position, instead pulling Lea into a slow, lazy kiss. “So let’s just go ahead and establish this now since we were too stupid to when we were kids,” Lea said. “Are we dating?” 

Isa frowned, hesitating. “Are we?” 

A knock rang out through the room, startling Isa backward and away from Lea as Lea got up from the bed to answer the door, looking so guilty that there was no way even Roxas and Xion could miss it. 

“Lea! It’s past noon! Wake up!” Roxas exclaimed, banging on the door again. 

“Yeah, we’ve gotta get ready for the party tonight!” Xion trilled. “We gotta go get some snacks.” 

Lea looked over his shoulder at Isa, his eyebrow raised in confusion, and Isa shrugged. Neither of them had okay’ed a party, but it didn’t seem like it bothered Lea so much. However, it made Isa feel squeamish, thinking of how many people the kids could have possibly invited over, all of the adversaries he had faced down in the past few years and made their lives a living hell. Kairi, maybe Namine and Riku and Sora. All faces of people he had served to destroy in the past, and now they were going to be in his house. 

“Who all did you invite over?” Lea asked, throwing open the door. 

Roxas grinned. “Everybody! We thought it would be fun to have a sleepover before summer vacation is over. So come on! We need pretzels and chips and ice cream and cookies and stuff!” 

Xion poked her head around the corner into the room and smiled sweetly when she saw Isa sitting on the bed. “Good morning!” she exclaimed. “I came to your room looking for you, but you weren’t there.” She pointed to her neck, a flash of concern crossing her face. “What’s that? Did you hurt yourself?” 

“Hmm?” Isa hastily tried to adjust his shirt to cover the dark, messy splotches dotting his skin, but it was no use. “No. I mean, yes. I fell.” 

She shrugged, seeming to accept that as a valid answer. However, Roxas shook his head and rolled his eyes as he placed a hand on Xion’s shoulder. “No, Xion,” he said. “Those are hickeys. Remember, Hayner told us that Olette gave him one once and he was grounded for like, a month.” 

“Oh yeah!” Xion exclaimed in excitement that quickly turned into disgust. She wrinkled her nose, turning her blue eyes on Isa again. “Olette said that it was fun, but it sounds pretty gross to me.” 

“It’s…” Isa trailed off, not even sure what he was trying to say. It wasn’t embarrassing, per se, but there was still heat rising to his cheeks, and he couldn’t exactly look Xion in the eyes, which was apparently hilarious because Lea was standing there looking like a damn fool trying to hold back laughter, seemingly at ease with the entire situation. He never seemed to feel awkward about anything. 

“Anyway,” Roxas said with a sigh, “just whenever you guys are ready. Try to make yourselves look presentable. We have guests coming over.” He smirked, crossing his arms over his chest as Xion giggled and Lea playfully shoved him out of the room back into the hallway. 

“You’re a little shit now, you know that?” Lea said. 

“I was always a little shit, Lea. Don’t pretend like this is something new.” 

“It’s true,” Isa said, getting up from the bed to join them at the door. The embarrassment had passed over him, and he felt like he could be more comfortable with them now as he crossed his arms, leaning against the door frame. Roxas, for a brief moment, was startled by his statement, but then he shook his head and laughed. 

“I was always causing you trouble, wasn’t I?” he said, running a hand through his hair with a small smile. A habit he’d undoubtedly picked up from Lea. "Anyway, if you guys wanna stop making out for just a few minutes and help us make some cookies, that’d be nice.”

Lea grinned, more amused than anything about getting called out. “I’m gonna go shower first, but if you guys wanna get all the ingredients ready and get started, I’ll be downstairs to help in just a few minutes.” Roxas and Xion nodded in agreement and turned to run back down the stairs, noisy and energetic as always. “And you…” Lea dropped his voice back down to a whisper and kissed Isa’s cheek, slowly making a trail back to his mouth. “You can join me if you want to. I won’t mind.”

Isa smiled into the kiss, snaking his arms around Lea’s waist and pulling him toward him. “That’s not taking things slow. I think I’ll go help them get everything ready in the kitchen, and we might run to the store and grab a few things.” He sighed. “Are you sure you’re up for a party tonight?”

Lea scoffed. “Are you kidding me? Aqua and Terra are coming too. We need more adult friends. It’ll be fun.” He raised an eyebrow, frowning. “Are _you_ up for a party tonight?”

Isa shrugged, pulling away from him and starting down the stairs. “We’ll see. Have a nice shower.”

“I’ll be thinking of you the whole time,” Lea said with a wink.

Isa had to turn his head away to hide the blush that was slowly creeping up his neck. He wasn’t sure how long they were going to make it like this. They’d been apart for far too long, and now that they had each other back and could do all the things they could only dream of during their time as Nobodies, it seemed that nothing else really mattered, even their fucked up minds and hearts still being touched by darkness to this day.

“So,” Xion said as he walked into the kitchen. There was already flour and sugar everywhere, but he barely even noticed. “Are you and Lea dating now?”

“I…don’t know,” he replied. “What kind of cookies are we making?”

“The most chocolatey cookies we can!” Xion exclaimed, holding up four bags of chocolate chips in her tiny hands. One of the bags was ripped open slightly, and chocolate chips spilled onto the floor. She gasped, dropping the bags and falling to her hands and knees as she tried to clean them up, popping a few into her mouth as she did so, and Roxas joined her, nudging her aside as he tried to grab some to snack on as well.

“Do you know how dirty that floor is?” Isa asked, fighting to hide the smile on his face as he crossed his arms over his chest, trying to appear stern.

Roxas looked up at him, guilt crossing his face briefly, but then he shrugged. “Five second rule.”

“It’s been more than five seconds,” Xion pointed out.

“Fine. Ten second rule. It’s okay.”

Isa bent to help them, stealing a few chocolate chips for himself as well, but his thoughts kept drifting upstairs to where Lea was. He loved him. He was _in love_ with him. And love made people stupid. He gave himself until the end of the night before he would ultimately give up and throw all rationale out the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, hey, Sora is gonna be here because I want him to be. (:


	13. Warmth of the Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > It's the way  
> You look at me and smile  
> It's the light behind your eyes  
> And its how you walk away  
> Leaves me hanging  
> Its okay  
> If were not a perfect match  
> They say the opposite attract  
> Why do I keep holding back 
> 
> -"Mechanical Heart" by Jon D

“So let me just run through this one more time,” Hayner said thoughtfully, his legs dangling from the kitchen table where he sat next to Pence and Olette eating pizza. They were already in their pajamas for the sleepover, even though they had arrived hours before anyone was expected. “This kid Ventus looks exactly like you, but he’s not your twin, and he’s not related to you in any way.” 

“Right,” Roxas said. “We’re not related by blood, anyway. We’re connected through Sora.” 

“And that’s because…” 

Roxas sighed, clearly frustrated, but there was the tiniest glimmer of amusement in his eyes. This was the fifth time he had run through this with his Twilight Town friends, and though it was getting exhausting, he relished in the fun of confusing them. 

“I’m half of Sora,” he said. “Or, I used to be. I was his Nobody. Remember when I was talking about Nobodies? But then I got a heart, so I’m a somebody like you guys now.” 

“And Ventus?” Pence asked, raising an eyebrow and shoveling a handful of chips into his mouth. “He looks like you because –” 

“Technically, I look like him. He’s older than me. Technically. There was a little bit of a mix-up in Sora’s heart when he decided to stab himself with a keyblade.” 

Olette gasped. “Sora stabbed himself?” 

Roxas smirked. “Yeah, to get Kairi’s heart out of there. She was inside him too.” 

Their eyes widened. Clearly they had no idea how many adventures they had been missing outside of Twilight Town. 

“What?” Hayner asked. “Kairi was inside Sora?” 

“Well, her heart was. And when Sora released Kairi’s heart, it also kind of created Namine. And me. You can meet Namine tonight. She’s coming too.” 

The three teenagers were clearly still confused, filled to the brim with questions they didn’t even know how to ask. Lea sighed from where he sat next to Isa on the kitchen counter and dropped down to the floor, crossing to the table to grab some pizza for both of them. “You should just show them the thing that the cricket downloaded on everyone’s phones,” he said. “It’s easier that way. But just a fair warning, I’ve read it a hundred times, and I still don’t understand everything.” 

Olette threw her hands up in surrender. “You know what? Doesn’t matter. We’re all already friends anyway. We’ll love them no matter how weird this all is.” 

“Come on!” Xion exclaimed, speaking for the first time since they’d all come into the kitchen. She darted across the space to where Isa and Lea were and took both of their hands, pulling them toward the foyer. “We have to change into our matching onesies for the sleepover. Everyone’s gonna be here soon!” 

Hayner scoffed. “You guys got matching onesies?” 

“Yeah, we did, Hayner,” Roxas said with a roll of his eyes. “Got a problem? We’re gonna look adorable.” 

Hayner rolled his eyes as well and smiled as he playfully shoved Roxas and swung off of the table, running full force into the foyer with Roxas, Pence, and Olette following close behind as they shoved past Isa, Lea, and Xion. He immediately picked up the skateboard that lay discarded next to the stairs and looked up, pursing his lips in thought and then turning to Roxas. 

“Do you think if I tried to slide down this banister –” 

“No!” Isa exclaimed, gripped by panic as he crossed to them and took the skateboard from Hayner’s hands. “No sliding down the banister. You’ll break your neck, and frankly, I don’t want to explain to your parents that their son is an idiot.” 

“Hmm. Am I an idiot? Or am I brilliant? If I pull this off –” 

“You will not pull this off.” 

“–then I’ll be hailed as a hero. But if I fail, then it’d be a glorious end to my saga.” 

Olette pursed her lips and wrinkled her nose. “Would it really be all that glorious? I think it’d just be stupid. You’re stupid, Hayner.” 

Thus, the argument started, and the more Olette and Hayner talked, the louder they grew, trying to speak over one another as they threw insults and Roxas skateboarded to his room.

Isa rolled his eyes and sighed. There were five of them, and there were going to be more. “They’re killing me, Lea,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “They’re actually going to kill me. I have a headache.”

Lea laughed and placed a kiss on his temple. “It’ll be fine. Once everyone else gets here, they’ll be off doing something else, and we can hang out with Terra and Aqua.”

“Do you really think–” He stopped himself, realizing now that the argument had died down and the house was silent. Too silent. Eerily silent. He turned on his heel to the group of teenagers and saw that they were all staring at him, Olette with her eyes wide and curious, Hayner with his arms crossed over his chest and a dumb smirk pulling at his lips, Pence shoving chips into his mouth and analyzing him like a particularly interesting science experiment. “Can I help you?”

“So,” Hayner said, “how long has this been going on?” He gestured to Isa and Lea.

“I don’t understand how it’s any of your business –”

“Since this morning,” Lea answered, sliding his hand into Isa’s and grinning as he nestled up to Isa and placed another kiss on his cheek. There was the flutter of butterflies in his stomach again, the rush of heat through his veins. He sighed, deciding not to act on his feelings of rage over that stupid smug look on Hayner’s face. Instead, he wrapped his arm around Lea’s waist and pulled him closer.

“Alright, Olette. Pay up.”

Olette sighed in frustration. “I don’t have anything!”

“Buy me ice cream then.”

Isa frowned, narrowing his eyes. “What the hell do you mean ‘pay up’?” He was aware that his words were coming out as more of a snarl, but Hayner was such a little bastard that he didn’t even care.

“We had a bet going,” Hayner said with a shrug. “Pence owes me money too. They both thought it would probably take you months to get together, but I told them you’d be fucking before we went back to school.”

“F–” Isa glanced over at Lea, hoping that he would have something to say because he had nothing. Every single thing that was running through his mind started crashing and burning, and it was like his entire system had short circuited. But Lea didn’t seem to have anything to say either. Still, he seemed far more amused by the whole thing than Isa was. Ever since being recompleted, Isa had not had one single thought of throttling a kid. Until now.

“What does that mean?” Xion asked. “I thought that was just a bad word we weren’t supposed to say.”

Hayner sucked in a breath, a glimmer of mischief twinkling in his dark eyes. “Well –”

“You’re a little asshole,” Isa told him.

“My parents tell me that every day. You’re not special.”

Isa bit his lip and looked over at Xion, who had a hand over her face trying to hide the fact that she was laughing. He would never admit it, but Hayner’s sarcastic attitude was sort of endearing.

“You should get better friends,” he told Xion, which caused the giggles to finally break out.

“Don’t pretend like you don’t love us,” Hayner said. “It’s impossible not to love us.”

“Nothing’s impossible, Hayner.”

He snickered a little bit. “You’re just so fun to mess with. You get all mad, and Lea just doesn’t give a shit about anything. There’s literally no way to bother him.”

“That’s true,” Lea agreed, pinching Isa’s cheek so hard that the skin turned pink and then placed a kiss there. “I give a shit about you, Isa. And I give a shit about all of the rest of you too.”

Hayner raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest. “Don’t go getting all sappy on me.”

“For real, though,” Roxas said, stopping just a few feet away from them on his skateboard, which he’d been riding around the foyer the whole time. “We’re really happy for you guys. You don’t understand. Lea would not shut up. He never said he was talking about you until like, you came back, but he talked about you all the time. He was all 'You can still love each other even though you’re separated’ and 'Sometimes your heart connects so deeply with someone else’s, and you feel incomplete until the two hearts are joined again.’ And at first I was like, okay whatever, that’s nice, can’t wait to find that someday. But then I realized he was talking about you, and it all kinda made sense?” He shrugged. “I don’t know. Whatever. Congratulations, really. You guys deserve it.”

Xion nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! We love you guys so much. You deserve all the happiness in the world.” Then suddenly, she was throwing herself at Isa and Lea, wrapping her arms around them in a tight hug, and then there were four more of them piling in, and Isa was so startled by all of it that he wasn’t even sure what he was supposed to do. He had never felt this much love in his entire life. He didn’t even think it was possible for anyone to hold so much of a powerful force in their heart, especially directed toward him. 

No, that wasn’t necessarily true. He knew that Lea loved him, even though neither of them had ever said it before, but he’d never imagined that he could have this many people surrounding him and pouring so much affection on him. He’d never imagined actually having a family. An unconventional, messy, wonderful, perfect family. 

He smiled, ruffling Xion’s hair a little bit, which made her giggle, and he drew her in closer to his side as Lea placed another kiss on his cheek. In this moment, he couldn’t believe that there had ever been bad days, days where he could not find purpose for living, days where he could not get out of bed. He couldn’t believe there would ever be a bad day again. Everything felt…perfectly normal, as if they had been like this their entire lives. No weird experiments on the heart, no Nobodies, no Heartless, no rivalries, no trauma. Just this. 

“Okay, this is nice and all, but real question here: how many people do you think we can fit on the skateboard and still make it go?” Hayner asked, pulling away from them with his lips pursed together in thought. “I’m thinking we could somehow fit all five of us on there.” 

Roxas scoffed. “No way. Three, maybe. We can’t all fit on there.” 

And then they were gone, their minds traveling elsewhere as Roxas climbed onto the skateboard, and Hayner and Pence fought each other as they both tried to balance behind him, to no avail. Olette had followed Xion to her room, and the house was mostly quiet again.

Isa sighed as he made his way up the stairs, and Lea glided ahead of him, taking both of his hands in his own and walking backward up the stairs, as if guiding him. It felt like the beginning all over again, when they couldn’t get enough of each other, couldn’t stop looking, couldn’t stop touching. Only this time they were more certain, not hesitant or awkward like they were as teenagers. 

“You talked to Roxas about me?” he asked. 

Lea smiled a little bit, and there was just the faintest hint of a blush rushing to his cheeks, but he still didn’t seem embarrassed or ashamed. He was never embarrassed about anything. “Yeah, I did. I had a big, fat crush on you. What are you gonna do about it?” 

Isa looked over his shoulder at the boys downstairs, who were too preoccupied with their skateboard mayhem to care what else was going on around them. They were at the top of the stairs now, and he swung Lea around the corner, mostly out of sight as he pressed him against the wall and kissed him. There was something oddly arousing about Lea’s confession, even though Isa had already known. It was just different, hearing it roll off of his lips like that, so quiet and sultry and just a little bit shy. He never thought that Lea could be very shy about anything. 

“You had a crush on me too,” Lea said, poking Isa’s nose as he placed another quick, chaste kiss to his lips. 

“I did. Ever since we were…five or six years old, I think.”

Lea’s expression softened slightly, and his shoulders slumped forward. “Are you serious? Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I didn’t think you felt the same way.”

“Are you kidding me? I was head over heels for you. I was scared shitless when I first kissed you. I thought I’d ruined everything. Hell, I was scared this morning too.”

“Why? You knew I wanted you to.”

Lea shrugged. “Firsts are always scary. But they’re fun too.” He smiled, reaching up and twirling a strand of Isa’s hair around his finger. “You sure you’re up for a party tonight?”

“It can’t possibly be that bad. Though Hayner is…” He shook his head. “He reminds me of someone.”

“I know who, but you’re not gonna like it.”

Isa met his eyes, searching his face for an answer, and then it dawned on him, and he groaned, pressing his forehead against Lea’s. “It’s Demyx. Fuck him.”

Lea pressed his lips together, leaning in to Isa as his hand trailed down his chest, stopping just above the waistline of his pants. “Hmm. No thanks.” His breath was warm and tickled against Isa’s ear. “I think I’d rather fuck you instead.”

Isa inhaled sharply, backing off of him just a little bit. The words sent a shiver racing down his spine and a warm pool of heat flooding into his stomach that continued to travel downward. He clenched his fist against the wall and scanned over Lea’s face – the twinkle of mischief in his eyes, the devilish smirk tugging at his lips. He couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his own face as he kissed him.

“You don’t know anything about waiting, do you?”

“I know plenty about waiting, Isa. We’ve been waiting for each other for years.”

Isa nodded, his mind fogging over with nothing but the thought of Lea underneath him, his long, elegant legs thrown over his shoulders, his fingers digging into his sweaty skin while he thrust into him and pulled moan after beautiful moan from his lips. He’d thought about it several times in the past, trying to imagine every little detail, but it had always seemed so unattainable, so far away.

Lea was here. Right now. And they had all the time in the world. There was no one to tell them what to do, no one to tell them they couldn’t love each other, couldn’t feel each other.

“We probably shouldn’t,” Lea said, draping one of his arms around Isa’s neck and drawing him into another kiss. “You’re right. We have a house full of kids, and there are more people coming. Plus, I was being stupid, and I ruined everything –”

“You didn’t ruin anything. I just want both of us to be in the proper head space and not having a mental breakdown in the middle of everything.”

Lea shrugged, smiling a little as he laced his fingers with Isa’s. “Plus, there are other things to look forward to. Like…how I can hold your hand whenever I want to. And…I can do this as much as I want to.” He pressed a soft kiss to Isa’s nose, then one to his lips and another to his neck, where he hovered just a few centimeters away from Isa’s pulse point. His breath was warm, and Isa nearly crumbled, his veins lighting up with desire. 

“I…” he started to say, but then a loud knock rang through the house, and the kids screamed with delight downstairs as they all ran at the door at the same time. That’s what it sounded like, at least. It was a stampede, an earthquake that would eventually shake the old mansion from its very foundations. 

And there were going to be more of them. Still, Isa sighed with relief and rested his forehead against Lea’s. He’d almost said he loved him, and that might have been a disaster or a blessing; he didn’t want to find out which.

“Hey!” Roxas’s voice boomed up the stairs. “You guys! Stop being gross and come downstairs. Sora, Riku, Kairi, and Namine are here.”

Isa didn’t realize how deeply the panic struck him until he heard Lea gasp out in pain, and he looked down to see that he had tightened his grip on his hand. He pulled away, trying to meet Lea’s worried gaze, but there was a wall he was building up, and he could not see through it. His eyes were unfocused, and it felt like something large and slimy was slithering around in his stomach. A wave of nausea crashed over him.

Every single one of them had been a victim to his own selfish, stupid, villainous actions in one way or another. He had had no regard for their lives. All of them had just been pieces in a larger game, and their humanity, the lifeblood thrumming in their veins, had not meant anything to him. He’d tossed Kairi around like a ragdoll. He’d spoken about Namine as if she was some sort of despicable creature. He’d very nearly killed Sora and tried to shatter his heart on several different occasions. And he had not cared about them.

Now, they were here, in the one place that he had managed to feel safe, and he had no idea what to do. He thought he could handle it. He thought, with Lea beside him and Roxas and Xion vouching for him, that everything would be okay, but he was falling into a state of panic that was making him feel dizzy and sick.

“Lea!” a female voice exclaimed. “It’s been forever.”

Lea looked behind him, then back at Isa, clearly torn between emotions, and he frowned. “Be there in a second, Kairi!” He took Isa’s hand again, gently kissing his palm and then each finger. “Are you okay?”

“I…I will be," Isa murmured. It still felt like the weight of guilt and fear that suddenly fell upon him might actually break him, but the load was getting lighter. He had seen the way those children loved, fiercely and unconditionally. They were just like Roxas and Xion, filled to the brim with affection and kindness and understanding, their hearts open and filled with so much light that it was impossible to get totally lost in the darkness when they were around. Sora could see past anyone’s flaws. It was like no one could be totally irredeemable to him.

"They forgave me,” Lea said with a slight shrug. “You’re fine.”

And he felt like that was true, but still, the anxiety of taking the first steps down the stairs and meeting their eyes for the first time was just a little bit much at the moment.

“Let’s just get our pajamas on, and we can go downstairs and see everyone and say hello, and then we’ll disappear and hang out with Terra and Aqua and get black out drunk, and everything will be fine,” Lea said, smiling. “One step at a time, remember?”

Isa nodded, managing a smile. “One step at a time. But when I get this onesie on, no pictures, okay?”

“What?” Lea’s eyes widened, his lower lip poking out in a pout. “That’s not fair! I was gonna take pictures with you and post them on Kingstagram and make one of them my profile picture so everyone could see how cute me and my boyfriend are together.”

The air seemed to grow denser around them for just a moment, making it a little harder to breathe. Isa sucked in a breath, feeling as if his lungs were being poked with tiny needles, but that was mostly the nerves. His body felt somehow lighter now, almost as if he had no body at all. His heart had taken flight inside of him.

“Boyfriend?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Lea chuckled a little, running a hand through his hair. “Y-yeah. Is that okay?”

Isa nodded, smiling as he pushed Lea against the wall again and kissed him. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for you to call me that.”

He could feel Lea grinning into the kiss as his hands came up to rest lightly against the back of Isa’s neck. He was so warm and so soft against him, their bodies fitting together perfectly. Like glass that had shattered into two pieces, a clean break right in the middle, and it was whole again, and mended, almost as if it’d never broken at all. 

Lea’s grip on him tightened for just a second as he dipped his head down and buried his face in Isa’s chest, breathing in sharply and holding on to him so tightly, so fiercely, that it hurt, but Isa didn’t complain. Eventually, he let go, his hand trailing down Isa’s arm and finally lacing his fingers through his again as he guided him down the hallway toward his room. 

It had been Xion’s idea to get the matching onesies, and Lea and Roxas had obliged wholeheartedly, while Isa had found it to be very nearly humiliating and degrading. Still, he did not protest, even though he knew he would not be safe from the cameras, because without a doubt in his mind he knew that he would do anything for Xion. Anything for any of them, really. 

He sighed heavily as he tugged it on over his underwear, zipping up the zipper in front and pulling the hood over his head. It was perfect for him, or so everyone had said. It was a wolf. It even had pockets in the shape of crescent moons for “storing extra snacks,” as Xion had put it. It was warm and cozy, but he felt like a damn fool, and he could feel his cheeks heating up from embarrassment. 

Lea was on the other side of the room with his back turned, so he hadn’t noticed yet, which was a blessing because as soon as he did, Isa would never hear the end of it. And he was prepared for that. The thought of Lea’s reaction, just seconds away, even brought a smile to his face as he leaned against the wall, waiting. He would push him away and pretend that it was disgusting and he hated Lea doting on him like that, but he wouldn’t hate it at all.

For now, though, he studied Lea, standing there in nothing but his underwear as he pulled on the fox onesie he’d picked out for himself. There were so many freckles all over his skin, an entire galaxy of stars trapped in one body. He’d forgotten how many there were. Some days back in the Organization after particularly long and grueling missions, Lea would come into his room and lie face down on the bed while Isa sat on top of him and massaged him, running his hands all over his skin as he tried to count each and every freckle. He’d always lost count, getting too distracted as he leaned down and pressed kisses to his shoulder blades and down his spine. 

There were scars there too. Far more than he remembered. One had been there since they were fifteen – a long, thin line directly behind where his heart was. There was a matching one on the front, right where the keyblade had plunged into his skin. Isa had one too, though his had faded more with time. 

He wished that they could stay up here, just the two of them. He wanted nothing more than to explore every nook and crevice of his body, relearn every little thing he had forgotten about and fall back into perfect familiarity. He wanted to kiss over every single scar and feel Lea squirm and gasp underneath him while his fingers dug into the mattress and his legs wrapped around his waist – 

“Isa! Oh, god, you look so cute!” He was already pulling his phone out for pictures as he fell into Isa, his lips crashing onto him and his arms wrapping around his neck. “You’re so fucking cute, oh my god, please please please let me take lots of pictures. Every single person in every world deserves to see you because you’re the most beautiful, perfect person ever.” He kissed all over Isa’s cheeks and down his neck, and Isa protested, trying to push him away, though he was only putting in a little effort. He loved when Lea poured out compliments and affection all over him.

“One picture, Lea. That was the agreement.” Though he knew that no matter how much he fought it, there would be more pictures taken. If they’d had phones when they were kids, he never would have gotten any rest. 

“Okay, okay. One picture.” He opened his phone and turned it to selfie mode, and Isa sighed and moved into the frame. Of course, he should have known that Lea was going to press the button to take a picture a million times, even if they were blurry or out of focus, and he laughed and dodged away as Isa tried in vain to take the phone out of his hands. 

“Stop it, Lea! My god, I said one! One!” 

“Sorry! You’re so cute!” He was still snapping pictures. He had to have at least five hundred by now. Isa lunged at him and managed to grab his arm, pulling the phone free from him as he pushed him up against the wall again and he fell into a fit of laughter against his chest. “Okay, seriously. I’ll delete all those. Just one. You and me.” 

“Okay,” Isa said, brushing his thumb over Lea’s bottom lip before kissing him, “but only because you look cute too.” 

“Stop it, you’re making me blush,” Lea said with a wink as he opened the camera and pointed it to them again. Isa tried to smile, but it looked so foreign on him, so fake, as if it didn’t belong there. Like he didn’t deserve it. But then Lea kissed him on the cheek as he snapped the picture, and he couldn’t help the happiness that swelled within him. He was so happy. Maybe this was the happiest he had ever been. 

He turned his head and drew Lea into another kiss, his eyes closed and his hand resting on his cheek. He knew that Lea was probably taking more pictures, but he didn’t care, and maybe Lea didn’t either, because he heard the sound of the phone hitting the ground, and Lea’s hands were in his hair, his tongue sliding easily into his mouth as he held him. He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t want to leave this room. He was so in love that it hurt, a feeling he thought he would never get back. A warm, welcome feeling. Like walking on air or getting high, a feeling that left his brain feeling muddled and unfocused. The only thing that mattered was Lea. 

But he forced himself to pull away, which left him feeling cold and a little hollow, and Lea let out this soft, pathetic whimper that made his heart hurt. “We have kids downstairs,” he said. 

Lea nodded, his eyes still half-closed and glazed over as he picked his phone up off the floor. “Sure, just let me post this picture real quick.” He smiled, typing rather swiftly, and Isa peeked over his shoulder to see what he was doing. The picture was really cute. He had one eye closed, and his smile appeared genuine, lighting up his entire face, the first time he’d seen that in a long time. Though he could only see half of Lea’s face, he could tell that he was smiling too as he kissed his cheek. The caption he typed read, “Isn’t my boyfriend the cutest?” followed by a heart-eyes emoji. It was the sort of thing that Isa would roll his eyes and scoff at had it been any other couple, but the word “boyfriend” just kept bouncing around in his mind and filling him with scorching fire. It was beautiful, the most wonderful word that he had ever heard. 

“What?” Lea asked, looking over his shoulder where Isa stood. “Is that okay?” 

“It’s perfect,” Isa said, snaking his arms around Lea’s waist and pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. “Just getting used to you calling me your boyfriend. You never said it before.” 

Lea grinned, leaning back into Isa’s chest. “I know. That’s why I’m saying it as much as I can now. You’re my boyfriend. I’m your boyfriend. We’re dating now. Sure you don’t wanna back out while you still can?” 

Isa chuckled a little. “I should be asking you the same thing.” 

“Never. I want to be with you. Now come on, let’s go downstairs.” 

The nerves were settling back in again. He could hear all the chatter and activity downstairs, and each step felt heavier than the last. The creak of the door opening and the groan of the floorboards underneath their feet sounded louder than they were, reverberating in Isa’s chest, and it set him on edge. Sensory overload. He remembered that term from when his mom’s doctor made house calls, and he had explained to them that the anxiety caused sounds, and sometimes even smells, to seem worse than what they were, and it sent her into a panic. That’s what this felt like now as he listened to their voices drifting upward toward them, sounding more like screams than idle chatter, like angry, storm-driven waves. Someone (probably Roxas) had turned on loud rock music that was bouncing off of the walls and beating into Isa’s skull. Everything was so, so loud. Too much. They were going to hate him.

Lea slipped his hand into Isa’s and squeezed it gently, reassuringly, and it brought him back down to reality just a little bit, though he could still feel himself teetering on the edge of a panic attack. “Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?” he asked. “We don’t have to be here. We can go…literally anywhere else. I can take you to that meadow in the Enchanted Dominion or…anywhere. You name it.”

A sudden crash reverberated from downstairs, followed by a very loud, “Shit!” that sounded like Hayner and raucous laughter from a few other people. “I think I broke my wrist! Oh no, oh god…no, I’m fine.”

Isa raised an eyebrow. “We should probably stay here. We might not have a house when we come back.”

“Fair enough. Kairi!”

“Lea!”

He let go of Isa and slid down the banister straight to where Kairi stood with Sora and Riku, and they began doing some sort of strange handshake that involved lots of jumping and twirling and complicated hand gestures while Sora looked on in wonder. Isa, though perplexed as well, tried desperately to melt into the shadows. Despite everything, they all still looked so small and innocent. It made Isa wonder what the hell he had been thinking. They were roughly the same age he had been when he was lied to and tricked and had his heart taken from him, and he never would have wished that fate on anyone. But Sora and Riku and Kairi? They had been through far more than he had ever been, and he had disregarded every bit of it, piling on to the list of trauma they already had to make their lives a living hell. Why? He couldn’t even figure out who he had been back then, or even who he was now. 

He did not disappear. Xion ran up the stairs to him, dressed in her dog onesie with her phone held out and an angry scowl on her face. “It’s a crime that I had to see what you looked like in your onesie online before I got to see it in person!” she exclaimed.

“Perhaps you should stay off your phone then.” He was aware that his words were coming off brash, almost careless, but she didn’t seem to notice. As much as he cared for her, he didn’t want people looking at him, and her presence over here would just draw attention. He wanted to retreat back upstairs. He was starting to sweat, starting to fall off of the edge into a panic. How was he going to face these people?

“Kairi, you know Isa, right?”

_God._ He squeezed his eyes shut briefly and then looked down the stairs where Lea stood with the three teenagers, and his eyes connected with Kairi’s for the first time in…he wasn’t sure how long it had been. Since she had been in the castle, taken prisoner, kept in a cell and treated like shit all so they could get their hands on Sora.

She frowned a little, her feet shuffling nervously as she tucked her hair behind her ear, but then the corner of her mouth turned up into a smile as she extended her hand to him. “It’s really nice to meet you again,” she said.

Isa was hesitant, but he came down the stairs to her and took her hand in his. Her smile was full now, no hint of rage or hatred in her eyes at all. He didn’t understand, but he didn’t say anything, didn’t want to push matters even further and perhaps set her off. He knew that they were walking a thin line here.

But it slipped out, without him even thinking about it. “I’m…sorry.” It was pathetic, meaningless, he knew, but it was all he had. If he had any sort of rational explanation for his behavior, he’d give it to her, but he had nothing.

“It’s um…” She shrugged, rubbing her arm nervously. The smile never left her face, but he knew she was struggling too. No matter how kind, how forgiving someone could be, they didn’t exactly get a script for what to do in situations like this. He knew it was fine, he felt it, but there were no words to really be exchanged. “It’s fine” just didn’t seem like a good thing to say to someone who’d imprisoned you. Because what part of that was fine?

“Nice to meet you under better circumstances,” she finally finished weakly, letting out a breath. “It’s nice that Lea has you back.”

He nodded slightly, still unsure what he was supposed to say to her. Riku was hovering just behind her left shoulder, his expression devoid of any sort of emotion. Or, if he was feeling anything at all, he was doing an incredible job of hiding it. He had been a plague to the Organization. Isa and Xemnas had set people out on the hunt for him the entire time he was wearing the coat, and he admittedly had wanted him dead and out of the way. Now, he was here in his house. Next to Sora. Sora, who had been the key to every single lie Isa had been fed for ten years of his life. He had been the solution. The only way for him to get his heart back, to get his life back, and he had stopped at nothing to terrorize him.

His throat felt dry, and he coughed a little and moved away, curling in on himself, hoping to whatever gods were out there that the floor would just open up and swallow him. But that was asking too much. He deserved to be punished, and the punishment was staring into the eyes of all his sins and being forced to carry the weight of it all.

“Hi, Isa!” Sora finally exclaimed, extending his hand. He smiled, a warm gesture that spread all the way to his eyes, hopeful, innocent eyes, despite everything they’d all been through. He radiated almost pure light just from existing. It was warm, comforting. Isa could almost forget that he’d done anything wrong at all.

No wonder everyone was so willing to follow him any and everywhere.

“It’s great that we’re all on the same side now, huh?” Sora said, folding his arms behind his head. “Sorry we didn’t really get to meet at a great time. But we’re all friends now! That’s what’s important.”

Isa looked to Lea for assistance, but it seemed he didn’t really have much to say either, for once in his life. “Of course.” That’s it. That’s all he said.

It was infuriating. Isa knew he should be relieved that he wasn’t getting his ass handed to him right now, but he’d rather have that than what he was being given. It didn’t make any sense that they could all just brush it off, pretend like nothing happened. He certainly couldn’t do it. If the roles were reversed, he would want to kill them. Hell, he had tried to kill them, because he felt like they were making his shit life worse than it already was. And maybe that was what was infuriating to him too, that he couldn’t be like them, that he couldn’t heal, couldn’t look past other people’s flaws. He held grudges, he hated, he felt furious and bitter at just about everything he’d been through, and he could never look past it.

He could never be like any of them. He was destined to fall into darkness over and over again.

“So what’s the plan for tonight?” Lea asked the boy who was rolling around on the skateboard in front of them. “Movie or…?”

“I think you’re looking for Roxas. I’m Ventus.”

“Shit. Sorry.” He buried his face in his hands and groaned, clearly disappointed in himself, but Isa exhaled a chuckle that felt halfway genuine. There really was almost no way to tell Ventus and Roxas apart without them speaking. However, he did notice, now that they were close to Ventus, that he carried himself differently, less standoffish than Roxas appeared all the time. He didn’t look like he was ready to throw down at any given moment. He just seemed like he was existing, content in whatever was going on around him.

“Aqua and Terra are in the kitchen,” Ven said. “They brought lots of stuff.”

“Lea!” There was Roxas, bounding out of his room in a raccoon onesie and carrying his keyblade, swinging it around almost carelessly while his friends struggled to get out of the way. “Lea, Riku said he’s gonna spar with me and Xion tonight. We were gonna show Hayner, Pence, and Olette some cool moves.”

“Can you show me how to do some skateboard tricks?” Ven asked.

It was even more obvious to see the differences between them now that they were standing right next to each other. Roxas styled his hair slightly differently now, and his eyes were not as bright blue as Ven’s were. They held this sort of darkness inside of them, like the sea in a raging storm, whereas Ven looked more like a placid lake.

“Sure!” Roxas exclaimed. “Can you show me how you fight with your keyblade like that?”

“Yeah! What about you dual wielding? How do you do that?”

“I can show you!”

He and Ventus seemed to have already invented a handshake as well, something fast and complicated and confusing, and Isa wondered to himself if maybe he was just the odd one out, if all of these people really felt like they could be this close to one another, because he felt a million miles away. Even from Lea. This felt…isolating. And lonely.

He felt like people were looking at him. Maybe that was just nerves, but he couldn’t stop looking around the room and analyzing every little action each person made, wondering what was possibly going through their heads, if they were all as kind on the inside as they appeared on the outside. They couldn’t be. They must hate being here.

But no, they all seemed perfectly happy. Ventus was standing on top of the skateboard holding his keyblade in the strange way that he did while Roxas struggled uncomfortably trying to mimic him. Hayner stood on the stairs with Olette, appearing to be deep in conversation about something they didn’t want anyone else to hear. Sora and Riku were summoning their keyblades and going to join Roxas and Ven, while Pence stared at each weapon in wide-eyed wonder and shot off questions. Kairi had her phone out and was taking pictures with Lea and Xion. Namine sat alone, looking peaceful and content with a book in her lap as she skimmed the pages. It was enough for all of them to just be around each other, soaking up one another’s light.

He wondered if he carried a negative energy with him and how badly it affected people. Or, even worse, if his existence was nothing at all, if he could just fade into oblivion and no one would care.

The house felt hot, unusually hot. Maybe it was because of all of the bodies milling about in there, but he was sweating, and his hands were shaking, and –

His feet were carrying him toward Lea before he could even think. “I’m going upstairs,” he said as he grabbed Lea’s arm, pulling him away from Kairi and toward him, dropping his voice down to barely above a whisper. “I can’t handle this right now.”

He let go and walked away, not giving Lea enough time to argue with him, because he was sure he was going to argue with him. Either that, or offer to take him somewhere else, which seemed completely unfair as well.

Lea chased him. He made it halfway up the stairs before he felt his fingers curl around his wrist, and he tried to resist, but he ended up turning around and facing him again, his body relaxing as it naturally did whenever Lea was around. He had always been able to make him feel less tense, no matter what.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Lea asked.

Isa shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. He knew how Lea was, how he’d always been with Isa, willing to sacrifice his own happiness if it meant giving Isa what he wanted. He’d always given him the benefit of the doubt, always catered to his needs, even when his patience was wearing thin. It had to be wearing thin now.

“That’s unnecessary. I know you want to be down here.”

“Yeah, but not if you’re up there feeling all bummed out.” He frowned. “I’m okay with just staying in bed and cuddling. I just want you to feel safe and happy, and it doesn’t seem like you do right now.”

“I just feel like people are looking at me. And I know they’re not, but…” He shrugged again. “Maybe it’s because I’m in this ridiculous outfit. I should change.”

Lea smiled. “No no no, I like the outfit. It’s so cute.” 

Isa sighed. He couldn’t figure out exactly what the problem was. Maybe he was getting jealous again. He didn’t think that had ever quite gone away. He always wanted Lea’s attention, always wanted to be by his side, and he was right now, but…

Maybe it was the guilt. Maybe it was the darkness. Maybe it was because there were so many damn keyblades in this house and he knew that he wouldn’t ever be worthy of holding one. Or maybe…

“Maybe –” he started to say at the same time Lea said, “Do you wanna get drunk and make out with me on the kitchen table?” 

Isa hesitated, studying Lea’s eyes that twinkled brightly with amusement, and he felt himself slumping down against the wall just a little, weak in the knees, unable to hold his own weight any longer. If Lea hadn’t been standing there with his arm wrapped around Isa’s waist supporting him, he might have just fallen down the stairs. He’d never meant to give anyone this much power over him, but Lea had him right in the palm of his hand, wrapped around his finger. He knew without a doubt that he would willingly fall back into darkness, traverse every single world that was out there, if it meant he could be with Lea. Maybe that was unhealthy or maybe that was love, he couldn’t be quite so sure. Or maybe it was just stupid. 

Love makes you stupid. 

“Okay,” he said with a shrug, and Lea smiled and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. 

Lea was always able to bring him back to solid ground. He made him feel less hopeless, less likely to be swallowed up in the violent, turbulent sea of his emotions. 

“What were you going to say before I interrupted you?” Lea asked. 

“Oh. Um…” _Maybe we’re moving too fast. Maybe we shouldn’t be together right now._ But he didn’t think he could bring himself to say that. They needed each other. Things didn’t make as much sense when they were apart. But maybe he needed some time away, to figure out who he was outside of this relationship.

No, no, no. They had only just declared it an official relationship less than half an hour ago, and here he was, having his doubts. He could still figure himself out. He didn’t need to distance himself from Lea to do that. 

No, he knew he could not pull himself away, shut Lea out again. It wasn’t right, and it wasn’t fair. Hadn’t they been waiting and hoping to get back to this for years? 

“Nothing,” he said. “It doesn’t really matter.” 

Lea didn’t press the subject, which was commendable. He had never been very good at knowing when to shut up when it came to other people, but he was always good at reading Isa, knowing when he needed to keep poking and prodding for information and when he needed to back off.

"Do you remember,” he said instead, “the first time that we got drunk in the castle? We were…sixteen, I think.”

Isa exhaled a laugh as he drew Lea closer to him. It had been Lea’s idea, of course. Trying to drink away the pain and the loss they thought they felt and only coming out more hollow than before.

“We snuck into Even’s lab, and you tripped and knocked a bunch of beakers onto the floor, and I couldn’t stop laughing,” Isa said. “There was a mess of chemicals everywhere and we didn’t even care.”

“I wanted to do the cool guy romantic thing and sweep everything off the table and throw you up there, but I couldn’t even see straight and I kept tripping.”

Isa sighed contentedly, his fingers playing with the hair at the nape of Lea’s neck. It felt like whatever anxiety he was feeling earlier was sliding away, and he could almost pretend that they were the only ones here.

“And then Even walked in, and he was really pissed,” he said. “He said we were tainting his lab and ruining the very name of science, whatever that meant.”

They had all been feeling so much. Not just him and Lea, but everyone. He had known even then – to some extent – that his laughter had not been part of a memory, but the very joy and excitement he felt being with Lea in a place they were not supposed to be. He had known that Even’s anger was not just a memory, but it had been real, the way his eyes widened and his jaw locked and his cheeks flushed beet red as he yelled at them. And the love that Isa had felt…that wasn’t a memory either. He had never stopped loving Lea. It had consumed every last bit of him, even through all the lies.

“We were so stupid,” he murmured.

“Yeah, maybe,” Lea said with a shrug.

“I should apologize to all of them.”

He shrugged again. “If that’ll make you feel better. But I promise you they’ve already forgiven you.”

“I wouldn’t even know what to say.”

“So just don’t. This might sound stupid and corny, but I’m pretty sure they can kind of sense what you’re trying to say with your heart.”

He snorted and rolled his eyes. “You’re right, that sounds kind of stupid.” But it also made sense, he supposed. Hearts were strange things, and he wasn’t sure that anyone would ever be able to figure them out, no matter how many years they spent in the lab trying to crack the code. There was no scientific method, no formula to explain why people felt the way they did.

Lea leaned in to kiss him again, their lips barely brushing before Roxas yelled, “Hey, stop being gross!” and then “Can I do a tequila shot with you guys?”

“Ooh, me too!” Hayner said.

“No!” Isa exclaimed. “You’re already an idiot without any alcohol muddling your brain.”

“Ah, come on!” Hayner said. “Please?”

“Lea?” Roxas asked.

“Absolutely not.” He was speaking too sternly. There was something about his tone that was off, and Isa knew that he was just putting on a show, trying to make it seem like he was agreeing with Isa, that he was being responsible. The little smug smiles Roxas and Hayner wore as they ran off to rejoin Ven was telling enough that Isa had lost the battle, and quite possibly, the war. 

“Come on, let’s go hang out with the grown-ups,” Lea said, taking Isa’s hand and dragging him down the stairs once more. “Roxas, tell me when you guys are starting the movie, and we’ll come join you! It’s the space movie with all the lasers and the ships and the light swords, right?” 

“Uh, yeah? Will do!” 

“You guys are so cute,” Kairi commented as they passed her on the way to the kitchen. She was slumping against the wall, phone in one hand with her keyblade propped up next to her. She was different now, stronger, more confident with her own weapon and making her own adventures. She had always been fierce, always willing to stand up for herself, to fight for what was right, but it seemed like she was more sure in her words and actions now. She’d grown up. They all had, it seemed. “I saw your post on Kingstagram. I’m really glad you guys found each other again.” 

“Thanks, Kairi,” Lea said. 

Kairi grinned, tucking some hair behind her ear. “He used to talk about you sometimes. He would say all this stuff like, ‘Ugh! I hate him!’ and then he would rant for like, ten minutes and end with something like, ‘When all of this is through, I’m bringing his ass home, and then I’m gonna kiss him so hard–’”

“Kairi!” 

She laughed. “I always thought it was endearing. It was so sweet that no matter what you’d been through together and no matter how many times you’d fought, at the end of the day you still loved each other. There’s something really admirable about that.” 

Isa glanced at Lea and offered him a tiny smile. His cheeks were flushed red again just the slightest bit, and he shuffled around a little like he couldn’t contain the nervous energy inside of him. This was the second time today that he had been called out by his friends, and Isa found it cute and funny while simultaneously being thankful that he had isolated himself for years and never talked to anyone about his feelings. God, the amount of pining. It would be humiliating for all of that to be out in the open. 

“I look forward to getting to know you better, Isa,” Kairi said. 

“You too,” Isa said. 

And just like that, it felt like he was bursting forth from underneath the water, sucking in fresh air again and feeling the warmth of the sun beating down on his skin. Things were not perfect; he wasn’t sure if they ever would be. But they were okay. He was okay. And life was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's been a while since I've updated! I've been struggling to write, and when I can write, it's hard to do anything good. But I guess that's just the power of depression babey. Anyway, thank you to all of you that are still reading and enjoying this shit show. (: expect some drunken shenanigans and some heart-to-heart conversations in the next chapter.


	14. The Prospect of Forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > I've got skin and I've got bones  
> Built to hold your body close  
> Built to shell a driftwood heart made out of stone  
> Traced my tongue along your hips  
> Planting flowers with my lips  
> Carving hearts inside your palms with empty fingertips 
> 
> -"Driftwood Heart" by SayWeCanFly

“There you are! We were wondering if you’d decided to ditch us and leave us with the kids tonight,” Aqua said with a smile. She had already mixed drinks for herself and Terra.

“Nah, we just caught up talking to all of them,” Lea replied, pulling Aqua into a hug. “How are you? It feels like I haven’t seen you guys in forever.”

“We’ve been busy,” Aqua answered with a sigh, blowing a strand of hair out of her face. She looked exhausted, but that’s just what happened when someone was stuck in darkness all alone for ten years. Isa couldn’t even imagine…and to think that he sometimes acted like he had it the worst out of everyone. He had immense respect for her, he realized, as she stood there with her shoulders slumped forward, her cocktail in hand, and a small, dreamy smile on her lips. She looked ready to collapse. “Kairi, Sora, and Riku have been coming to us to train, and sometimes they stay for a few days. They’re so energetic. They’re always wanting to learn something new. I feel like I haven’t had any sleep, which is fine, but…” She shrugged. “It’d be useful if I had another Keyblade Master helping me…” She looked up to Terra and smiled sweetly, nudging him playfully, and he chuckled a little bit and crossed his arms over his chest. 

“You know I’m not ready for that yet,” he said. “There’s still some darkness in me that I need to deal with before I even think about the Mark of Mastery again.” 

“I think you’re ready, but no one knows your heart like you do, so I won’t argue.” 

Isa stared at Terra, leaned up against their kitchen counter next to Aqua with a glass of some brown liquid in his hand. It was almost hard to look at him without conjuring up all sorts of bad memories that he had from the castle in Radiant Garden. Of course, he knew that was Xehanort, not Terra, but that was the face that he had looked into when the keyblade was plunged into his chest, when the scar was carved onto his skin. It was very nearly the face of Xemnas, a man he’d trusted only because he had no other way to turn. And looking at Terra…

Terra glanced up at him, their eyes connecting for a brief moment, and Isa looked away. He wondered how much of everything Terra actually remembered, being possessed by Xehanort, if he had any sort of control at all or if he was just stuck, being forced to watch all of the horrid things he was doing and not being able to stop it. At least _he_ had an excuse. Isa remembered it all. He had made the conscious choice to follow an evil man. 

But some sort of unspoken understanding passed between the two of them, something that he could not quite explain. Shared pain, shared trauma. 

“It’s so good to meet you,” Aqua said, pulling Isa out of his thoughts. “I love your matching pajamas. So you guys are together now?” 

“Yeah,” Lea answered. “Since this morning. I mean…technically we were together for like, eight years, and then we broke up, but we never really said that. Anyway, you guys –” 

Aqua chuckled nervously and sipped at her cocktail, her eyes darting toward Terra, who shifted just a couple of inches away from her. “No, no. We’re not together. We’re just friends.” 

“Sorry. I thought –” 

“You’re fine.” 

A tense silence followed, which was mostly just Aqua and Terra trying desperately to avoid each other’s glances while Lea stood there, looking confused more so than embarrassed, and Isa struggled to figure out something to say to break the tension. He was never good at that. 

It was eventually Aqua who decided to take the first step, setting her cocktail down and grabbing a bunch of bottles from behind her to take to the table. “We didn’t really know what you guys liked, so we just grabbed as much as we could carry.”

“Nice! We have some stuff too,” Lea said. “Some wine –” 

“Half a bottle of wine and some chocolate liqueur,” Isa said, “which you only use to put on top of your ice cream.” 

“I forgot about that! Thank you for reminding me. You’re the best!” He cupped Isa’s face in his hands and kissed him briefly before rushing to the cabinet and then to the freezer to get the sea salt ice cream they’d bought for the kids to eat tonight. 

“So what am I making for you tonight?” Aqua asked. “I’ve got a cranberry martini, if you wanna try that.”

Terra was looking at him again, his eyes wide with urgency as if trying to share some sort of telepathic message. Isa heard him loud and clear. He wanted to talk about something, and Isa wasn’t sure if he really wanted to. Sure, they’d been under similar circumstances, but he didn’t even know this guy at all. He just knew the version of him that had been under Xehanort’s control. Drinking with a stranger was one thing; sharing feelings was another. He didn’t even know what he was feeling.

“Aqua, we’re gonna talk for a minute, if that’s okay,” Terra said, placing a hand on her shoulder and then recoiling when she smiled at him. Honestly, they were worse than the teenagers. It was obvious they both had feelings for one another, and neither of them would act on it, too shy or too embarrassed or too…ashamed?

Then again, Isa had no room to judge. Lea always made him feel like he had a schoolboy crush instead of being in an adult relationship.

“Surprise me,” Isa said as he turned to follow Terra out of the room. He really, really didn’t want to have a conversation with him. He didn’t have anything to say.

“It’s summertime, so I’m making sangria!”

“Here, try this,” Lea said, stepping in front of their path and holding out a sea salt ice cream bar drenched in chocolate liqueur. “It’s really good.”

Isa wrinkled his nose in disgust as chocolate dripped all over the floor, but Lea was persistent, and he allowed him to feed it to him. “Too sweet. It’s deplorable.”

“ _’Deplorable,’_ ” Lea said mockingly with a roll of his eyes as he tilted Isa’s chin upward and captured his lips in his own. He tasted almost like the same horrible ice cream mess he’d just shoved in Isa’s face, only this was much better, a much more subtle sweetness with the pungent taste of alcohol dripping from his tongue. “You’re so cute. Don’t take too long. I’ll miss you.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Isa said, rolling his eyes now, but the words made his stomach flutter. “You can survive two minutes without me.” 

“Hmm, I don’t know. Two minutes is a long time.” He smiled cheekily and stuck the ice cream bar back in his mouth as chocolate dripped down his chin. 

Isa knew that Lea was just kidding around, but it really was hard for him to be without him today, especially to go off and talk to people he barely knew. All he’d wanted to do all day was be beside him. Just feeling the warmth of Lea’s skin against his was enough to make him feel comfortable and at ease. Of course, he would never let anyone know how soft and in love he was. He was the one to make the sarcastic comments, to brush off all the public displays of affection. Lea was the ridiculous, sappy one. He was much more reserved and private. 

But he found that he didn’t really care today. He kissed Lea again, taking care to savor the taste of the liqueur on his lips. It wasn’t that bad at all. 

“Okay, you’re not dying,” Terra said. “I just wanted to talk for a minute.” 

“Sorry,” Lea said, running a finger along Isa’s jawline and smiling sweetly at him. It seemed unreal, dreamlike, that Isa was seeing Lea look at him like that again, like something he always hoped for and never would have thought could be achieved. But he was glad he could see it, the adoration shining in his eyes without even a hint of bitterness or resentment, and he did not deserve it. 

They had taken long enough that Aqua had finished mixing drinks, and she came over and shoved a glass of dark red liquid into Isa’s hands and a glass of the pink liquor into Lea’s. He wasn’t sure what she had done to his, but the alcohol smell was strong, nearly making him nauseous, and he had a feeling that none of them would last for very long tonight. 

“I made it less sweet than what it’s supposed to be,” she said. “Let me know how you like it.” 

He took a sip of it and winced at the burn as it traveled down his throat, setting a fire in his stomach. “It’s fine,” he said. “Thank you.” 

“Be back in a minute,” Terra told them. 

Isa followed him out of the room into the hallway, though he kept his distance, still hesitant about having a private talk with a stranger and unsure of what they were even supposed to talk about. They had never even been properly introduced. He didn’t understand why Terra had even made it a point to talk to him when they were here for getting drunk. Feelings weren’t supposed to come out before the drinks had settled in.

“So a few days ago, we made plans for you guys to come and train with us this weekend, but Lea said you were too down to do that,” Terra said, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms over his chest. They were at the end of the hallway, where there was no chance anyone could hear them.

Isa felt every nerve in his body freeze as he scowled, sipping at his drink. It tasted like Aqua had put every single liquor she’d brought in there, and he wasn’t complaining. “Lea told you that?”

“Yeah. I mean, he didn’t give any details.” He must have sensed the hostility in Isa’s tone. “He just said you were depressed, and he was taking care of you. I thought…and Aqua thought…” He sighed. “We all kind of thought it would be a good idea if we talked.”

Isa raised an eyebrow. “And why is that? We don’t have anything in common. There’s nothing you could possibly say to me –”

“I remember. In the castle. When Xehanort was taking everyone’s hearts. I couldn’t do anything about it, but I remember.”

Isa didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure why talking to Terra was making him so angry. After all, they really did have certain things in common. They’d both been fucked over and lied to. They’d both had their hearts corrupted by darkness. They’d both lost control of their bodies, letting a piece of someone else reside within them. But it didn’t feel the same to him. The difference was that Terra had kept fighting, and he had given in. And he didn’t even want to talk to anyone about it. It felt like it was just reopening old wounds he had already tried to heal.

“I know that you’re blaming yourself for everything that happened,” Terra said, placing a hand on his shoulder, which Isa promptly shrugged off. “But it isn’t your fault. You didn’t know. He told you things that were only half true so he could get control over you, and you didn’t feel like you had another choice. I know how he works. He made me turn against the man who raised me, my own friends. He was cunning and manipulative, and he made the darkness seem like it was the most alluring, powerful thing –”

“I made a choice. I chose serving him over fighting for my friends. Right until the end. Tell me, do you think that deserves redemption?”

Terra frowned, his lips parting slightly as he struggled for words that Isa knew he did not have. There was no forgiveness, no solace to be found within his heart. He could pretend all he wanted. He could say that everything was fine, that he had Lea back, and Roxas and Xion had forgiven him, but the bottom line was that he could not figure out how he deserved it, and until then, he would never be able to forgive himself. He was happy, mostly, but at the end of the day, he knew he was just a worthless criminal that had stepped on every single good thing he had in his life.

“I still struggle too,” Terra finally said. “That’s why I haven’t let Aqua make me a Master to help her train. I don’t feel like I deserve it. But Aqua and Ven…they’re helping me get there every single day. They’re making me believe that the light is attainable again, and I can get back to where I was. If you can’t trust yourself, then trust your friends. They’re always going to be there to guide you back.”

Isa met his eyes, and he sighed, swirling what little drink he had left in his glass. He was already feeling the effects of it taking root in his brain, fogging his thoughts. He wasn’t drunk, but whatever she’d done was making him feel buzzed. He never had been much of a drinker. He was starting to loosen up, not wanting to fight against Terra anymore. He didn’t even really care that Lea had been talking about him with total strangers. “Thank you,” he said.

“Anytime. I just have to keep reminding myself I’m not alone in this anymore. You should remember that too.”

There was not much else to say. Isa nodded a little, finishing off the rest of his drink, and they went back to the kitchen, where Aqua and Lea had ten shot glasses set up on the table, and Roxas and Hayner were hovering around them and waiting to get their hands on one of them. Xion leaned against the counter, arms folded over her chest and shaking her head and smiling as she watched them.

“I’m telling you, Roxas, you’re not gonna like it,” Lea said.

“So then why do you do it?”

“To get drunk. Look –”

“I thought we agreed that neither of you were taking shots tonight,” Isa said, taking a spot next to Lea and wrapping his arm around his waist. His cheeks were already flushed a pretty pink color.

“Yeah, but that’s what you said, and we never listen to what you say,” Roxas said. “You know that.”

“Yeah, Lea said it was okay,” Hayner added. “So…it’s okay then.”

“So how do we do this?” Roxas asked as Aqua poured tequila into each of the glasses, splashing it across the table as she did so. She didn’t look the least bit affected by any of the alcohol she’d already consumed.

“Put some salt on the back of your hand and lick it off. That helps with the burn. Then take the shot. Grab a lime wedge over here and suck on it. It also helps with the burn and the flavor.” She sounded tired, as if this was something she had had to repeat multiple times. “You don’t have to do that, if you don’t want to. I think you might want to though.” 

Roxas narrowed his eyes. “I think I can handle it. Let’s go! Xion, are you sure you don’t wanna join?” 

“I’m just here to watch,” she said. 

“Are we bad people for letting them drink?” Lea asked, looking over at Isa for the first time since he’d returned. His eyes were a little bit cloudy, but otherwise their perfect bright green.

“No,” Isa replied. “Let them learn. How much have you had already?”

“Like…two…ten –”

“Ten? I was gone for two minutes.”

Lea grinned and collapsed onto him, wrapping his arms around his waist as his hands traveled south to rest on his ass. Isa had forgotten how touchy he got whenever he drank. Actually, around level six drunk – Isa had devised a scale specifically for when they drank – he got pretty slutty. A few times, Isa had found him wandering the castle with hardly any clothes on and unable to find his room. It had annoyed him, and he halfway thought it would be a good idea to just leave him until morning, but he always ended up dragging him back to his bed. Right now, he was just at level one – still touchy, but otherwise okay, and starting to make illogical decisions.

“Yeah. Maybe it was like five. I don’t know.”

Isa smiled a little bit, pulling away from his touch just slightly. He still wasn’t quite comfortable enough with public displays of affection to stand there and let Lea grab his ass in front of everyone. “You can’t count now?” he asked.

“I can count! It was five.” Defensive, like a child being insulted for not being able to do basic math. He held up his hand, counting on his fingers as he did so. “One two three four five. I can count.”

They were moving into level two territory. He couldn’t actually be drunk, but the behavior was there. Anger. Nothing serious. He mostly just got irritated about everything someone said to him, making it into an argument of some sort. And then it was forgotten a few seconds later.

“Good job,” Isa said, placing a kiss on his nose.

“Shut the fuck up,” Lea said, jabbing a finger into Isa’s chest, though he was still smiling a little. “I’m an adult. I can –”

“Hey!” Roxas exclaimed. “I have friends waiting for me. You have all night to stand here and argue. Count us down, Xion.”

“Okay. Three…two…one…go!”

Isa grabbed one of the shot glasses and downed the liquid, wincing at the burn it left in his throat. He had never liked any of this stuff, the cheap liquor that they’d always bought for Friday night parties in school and in the castle. But it was good enough to get people really drunk really fast, so it was fine.

Roxas and Hayner did not quite think so. Roxas, mostly, had a problem with the taste as he sucked on the lime wedge that Aqua had given him. Between bites of the lime, he leaned over the table and coughed, wiping at his mouth as if that would somehow expel the taste faster. Hayner was calmer as he walked to the sink and filled up a glass of water, downing the whole thing in one big gulp. Xion had her phone out, recording the whole thing as she laughed at them, and Roxas eventually made his way over to her and buried his face into her shoulder, still coughing, and she sighed and hugged him closer to her, her face suddenly falling. 

Isa was not good with reading emotions – he hadn’t been for a very long time – and he certainly wasn’t all that good with Xion, but he knew enough to know that something was troubling her. 

“It was so bad, Xion,” Roxas said. “I don’t know why –” 

“Another!” Hayner exclaimed, reaching for one of the shot glasses, but Isa swatted his hand away. 

“No! Get out of here and go hang out with your friends. And no more keyblades in the house. You can all take it outside if you’re really that desperate to fight one another.” 

“Lame,” Roxas groaned. 

“Come on, let’s go play spin the bottle,” Hayner suggested as he dragged Roxas out of the room. 

Which left Xion by herself, frowning as she shoved her phone into the pocket of her onesie. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked around the room, starting to walk toward the door, but she was moving rather sluggishly, like a zombie, stuck deep within her thoughts. Her eyes connected with Isa’s for a brief second, and she tried to smile at him, though it faltered and fell. 

He managed to break away from Lea, who was deep in conversation with Terra about some serial killer documentary he had watched, and made it to Xion. She was lingering by the door, as if almost hoping that someone would come to see her. He smiled at her, flicking one of the dog ears on her hood, and she giggled, though the happiness did not meet her eyes. 

“What’s spin the bottle?” she asked. “Olette told me that was what they were doing the first time she kissed Hayner at some school party, and she said it was gross and weird and awkward because everyone was looking at her and she was just really embarrassed and said she wished it was just the two of them. She said she didn’t even really want to do it, but she felt like she had to, and it kind of ruined her first kiss and…” She sighed, pressing her hands against her temples and shaking her head. “It just sounds stressful.” 

“It can be,” Isa said with a shrug. “Especially if you play with a bunch of people you don’t really know all that well. Basically, you just spin the bottle, and whoever it lands on, you have to kiss them. But…you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t even have to play. All of those people in there are genuinely good people, and I promise you that if you don’t feel comfortable doing something, no one’s going to force you to do it.” 

She nodded, the smile returning to her face. “Yeah, you’re right. I just didn’t want my first kiss to be weird and embarrassing.” 

“Oh, it’s probably going to be weird and embarrassing,” he told her. “Just less so because there won’t be other people there.” 

She shuffled her feet a little and pushed her dark hair out of her eyes before looking up at him again. “What was your first kiss like?” 

“Gross and weird and awkward and embarrassing,” he answered with a laugh. “But it was good too.” 

“Was it with Lea?” 

He nodded, looking across the room to where Lea stood with another full glass in his hands, chattering excitedly with Aqua and Terra as if he’d known them his entire life. On some level, he knew that they didn’t make much sense together. They never really had. He was far too quiet, far too introverted, and Lea was the light in every single room he walked into, the joy, the life. He could make friends with just about anyone. He was charming and cunning and friendly and wonderful and Isa was…Isa was jealous. And brash. And clingy. He was domineering and angry with a superiority complex, and there was not one single good thing about him that should have drawn Lea to him even in the slightest, but from day one of their meeting, he just kept choosing him. 

They were polar opposites. So maybe they did make sense. They were two extremes that brought balance to one another. 

“I really hope that I can find someone like that,” Xion said. “Maybe me and whoever I have my first kiss with will end up together forever too.” 

Forever? They had only gotten back together this morning. Not that he hadn’t dreamed and hoped for forever, but to hear it come from someone else’s mouth…

“Anyway, have fun tonight!” Xion exclaimed. “I’ll try to as well.” 

She danced out of the room, humming some song underneath her breath, and Isa returned to his little group with the word _forever_ bouncing around in his mind. It sounded nice, even better than when Lea had called him his boyfriend earlier. 

“What are you smiling about?” Lea asked as Isa came up behind him, wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his head on his shoulder. 

“Nothing,” he replied, pressing a kiss to his neck. “I’m just glad we’re together again.” 

Lea smiled, spinning around in Isa’s arms so that they were facing one another, and he drew him into a slow, lazy kiss. Obviously the alcohol was really starting to get to him now. Isa ran a finger over his flushed cheek and sighed in contentment. He kind of wished they were alone, but he could wait. He had done years of waiting. What was one more night? 

“Hey, do you guys have that game Twister?” Aqua asked. 

“Yeah,” Lea answered. “Me and Roxas and Xion bought it when we first moved in. Haven’t played it since the first night here.” 

“Okay, so here’s a fun idea,” Aqua said. She had a bottle in her hand, and nearly a quarter of it had been drunk so far. “Why don’t we play that? And every time we lose our balance and fall, we have to take a shot.” 

“Oh great,” Terra said. “We’ll be plastered in no time.” 

“Twister and alcohol sounds like a complete disaster. Count me in,” Lea said. “Isa?” 

“Okay.” It didn’t even really matter anymore what they did. He just kept thinking of forever, and forever started tonight. Tonight and every night, he just wanted to be with Lea. 

……………………………………………………………………….

Everything that people said about tequila was absolutely true. They had been playing Twister for a grand total of five minutes before Lea hit the floor, and it was maybe ten minutes before clothes started coming off. Lea complained that it was hot and he couldn’t bend in the stupid onesie, and he just stripped completely down, which was a level six drunk move, but he wasn’t quite there yet. Or, something had changed over the years, and Isa’s entire scale was completely useless.

Either Isa was better at holding his alcohol than he remembered or he just wasn’t drinking as much as everyone else, but he seemed to be the most clear-headed out of all of them, even if things were starting to get just a little bit foggy. Lea probably would have gotten completely naked if given the chance – Isa had seen it happen in the castle multiple times – but Isa still had his wits about him, and he managed to at least get him to put on pajama pants to play in, and Isa changed as well. Terra and Aqua seemed to just do whatever they wanted, like this was their house as well. Isa didn’t much care; as much as he enjoyed the time they were spending together, he was still kind of trying to avoid Terra and any sort of heart-to-heart that might come out of the rest of the night.

Twenty minutes in and Lea could hardly hold himself up. Isa had not been keeping count of how many shots he’d taken. At some point, his mind strayed, and he’d forgotten what came after six for a good several minutes, and once the word seven finally came to him, he didn’t much care. He knew that he himself had fallen five times and had chosen vodka over tequila, and every once in a while he would sip on the half a bottle of wine they’d had in the kitchen as well. Aqua, though clearly drunk, was a gymnast, and she was able to hold herself up better than anyone, bending in ways that seemed inhuman, which was completely unfair as Lea and Isa and Terra kept getting all tangled up over each other and falling into a messy pile on the floor.

Half an hour in and he knew he was drunk, simply because every little thing was making him giggle. He did _not_ giggle. Except when he was drunk. His movements were slow and sluggish, and he felt way bigger and heavier than what he actually was, which, on some level of his muddled, foggy brain made things even funnier. He knew he should stop, but no one else was slowing down, and it had been years since he’d given himself over to just spending time with others and enjoying himself. So he drank.

“Okay,” Aqua said, twisting flawlessly to reach the spinner. She had her back arched and was making a bridge over Terra, who was barely holding himself up underneath her. “Lea…right foot red.”

“Fuck.” Giggles bubbled up from behind Isa, which caused him to laugh too as Lea bent and twisted his body to slide underneath him toward the most unattainable red dot on the board.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Isa asked. “You’re–” He hiccuped, a violent motion that nearly sent him toppling backward onto Terra and Lea. “You’re going the wrong way.”

“Am not! I’m…the foot…I have to keep my right foot on the green.”

“No!” Aqua exclaimed. “Right foot red. Or blue. I don’t remember what I said.”

Lea threw his head backward, trying to slide back to his original position, but his skull just ended up slamming into Isa’s pelvis, and he let out a yelp that did not sound like him at all as he fell on top of Lea, whose knees buckled, and they collapsed on top of each other in a fit of hysterical giggles. Somewhere in the midst of all of their flailing limbs getting more and more tangled together, Lea swung his foot and slammed it into Terra, who fell as well and grabbed Aqua’s wrist to drag her down with him.

“Shit,” Terra said, making some sort of strange noise that was somewhere between a cough and a laugh. “Guess we’re all taking a shot.”

Isa reached across from him, searching for Lea’s face. He could still see him fairly clearly, but every once in a while, it looked like there were maybe two of him, and the room was swirling and turning upside down and it didn’t feel like he could force any of his muscles to move.

Which was just the most hilarious thing, apparently.

“Lea.” His voice sounded garbled and strained, like someone trying to talk underwater. “Are you…”

“Ngh.” Lea pushed Isa’s leg off of him and flipped over onto his belly as he dragged himself over to a half-empty bottle of pink gin he’d been sipping on since they’d started playing Twister. “’m fine. Glawehaadufrien. Fun.” Isa had heard him drunkenly stumbling over words enough over the past several years to interpret that he was saying, “I’m glad we have adult friends. I’m having fun.” 

Lea sighed dreamily and chuckled a little bit, hiccuping, and rolled over again so that he was facing Isa. He gulped down some of the gin, then set it aside and nestled up close to him, resting his head on Isa’s shoulder. His skin was scorching hot, and he was covered in sweat, his auburn hair sticking to his forehead and his green eyes bloodshot and unfocused. Isa draped an arm over Lea’s bare belly, dragging him even closer to him as his fingers drew circles over his prominent hip bone and the bruises he’d left and Lea pressed sloppy kisses against his neck that flooded him with heat and tore even more laughter out of him. 

“You’re so –” Hiccup. “You’re so cute, Isa. It’s not fair.” He had transitioned smoothly from level four drunk where no one could understand him to level five, which meant he would probably start crying soon. In fact, he could feel the sob building up in Lea’s chest. “Gonna write you a poem. As soon as I figure out what rhymes with Isa.” 

He jabbed a finger into Isa’s side, and Isa squirmed and laughed, unsure if he was actually ticklish there or if it was just the alcohol or maybe both. He shifted uncomfortably, his body still feeling far too heavy for his liking, and his foot connected with somebody lying below him, though he wasn’t sure if it was Aqua or Terra. Whoever it was, they didn’t seem to feel like moving. 

He sighed, turning so that he could wrap both of his arms around Lea and pull him closer, burying his face into his hair and closing his eyes as he breathed in his scent. It was comforting, ripping through the drunken, foggy haze of his mind and bringing him home, back to reality, back to where he could think straight and move his limbs and not end up in a twisted, useless heap on the floor. Even through the strong smell of booze and sweat, he could still make out the faintest hint of smoke, of strawberries, of fire and heat and a warm, sunny beach and chaos, beautiful, wonderful chaos.

 _Forever._ He could still hear Xion’s voice pounding around in the haze of his mind. _Foreverforeverforeverforeverforeverforever._ The word was starting to not make sense to him, starting to not sound like a real word at all. He had no concept of forever, other than it was a long, long time, but anything could be a long, long time. A really tense second after you said something you didn’t mean to say, a minute after someone was supposed to meet you and they hadn’t shown up yet, an hour before you’re supposed to go on a trip you’ve been looking forward to for months. 

This damn game of Twister, which didn’t seem to want to end. 

He felt Lea shatter in his arms, a weak, broken sob coming out of him, and he pulled away just enough so that he could look into his bleary eyes and see the tears streaming down his face. There were a lot, and his lower lip was quivering, but there didn’t seem to be any pain or sadness behind the tears. 

“What?” Isa asked. Even his voice felt heavy. 

Lea sniffled against him. “I was…I was watching this nature documentary the other day and…” He trailed off for a moment, eyes focusing on a point just above Isa’s head as his fingers dipped below the hem of his shirt and glided across his smooth skin, leaving a scorching trail in their wake. 

“And?” Isa was becoming unhinged. The whole “taking things slow” thing was a whole lot harder when they were both drunk. He kept silently urging, begging for Lea to go just a little bit lower as he got closer, bumping their hips together and grinding downward against him just slightly, barely even noticeable, just enough friction to give him some sort of release because he felt like he was spiraling into insanity. 

“And I don’t remember what I was talking about.”

“Nature.”

Lea’s finger traced a line over Isa’s hip and then dipped below the hem of his underwear for the briefest second before he pulled away and sighed, leaving Isa feeling cold and even needier than before. All those times in the past when he had pushed Lea away when he was making advances like that…what the hell had he been thinking? He had never felt desire burning so warmly in his veins as he did now. Taking things slow didn’t feel like an option anymore. He didn’t even care that Aqua and Terra were in the room, out of his line of sight, doing whatever Terra and Aqua do.

“Oh! The nature documentary. It was about macaroni penguins, and they mate for life. They mate _for life_ , Isa! Isn’t that awesome?”

“Uh-huh.” He didn’t really care about macaroni penguins right now, but Lea seemed to be truly shaken up about the idea of birds being monogamous, because he was crying again. Tears of joy.

“They dance when they see each other. They get so excited. It’s really cute. We don’t dance when we see each other.”

“I don’t dance at all.”

“Penguins mate for life. For life, Terra! Did you know that?”

There was a grunt in response, but Lea didn’t acknowledge it or seem to care. “Like some of them only have like, seasonal relationships, but every season when it’s time to mate they just keep choosing each other over and over again. It’s like…wow. You know? It’s so beautiful, and I–”

Isa tilted his chin up and kissed him, a slow, deep kiss that felt mildly sloppy and disgusting, but he didn’t even care, just as long as he was touching Lea in some way. That’s all he wanted to do. He felt the tears against his skin, and for a moment, he thought about crying too. How had he fallen so deeply in love with someone who got so excited about a useless arctic bird? He laughed instead, right against Lea’s lips, and Lea pulled away, wiping at his tears with one hand and holding Isa’s face with the other.

“We’re penguins,” Lea said.

“Okay,” Isa replied, because he was too drunk to even try to unpack that statement. Maybe they were, maybe they weren’t, but one thing did itch at the back of Isa’s mind, a single thought that wouldn’t really occur to him until later on, when he had sobered up a bit. They were both stupid drunk, and yet, they were both thinking about forever.

“Hey!” Aqua exclaimed. Her hair was a mess, ruffled up and sticking out in every direction, and she looked like she was ready to fall asleep. “We have to…we have to start over –”

Lea rose a little too quickly, grabbing at the bottle of gin again as he winced and clutched at his head. “Isa hasn’t taken his shot yet.” He glanced over at Isa and smirked, whatever emotions he was feeling just a few seconds ago replaced with something new. Mischievous and troublesome, like he knew something that Isa didn’t.

“Okay. Gimme the bottle.” He reached out, waiting, head pounding, and Lea jerked it away from him and took another swig of the pink liquid as he shook his head.

“Nuh-uh. Do it off of me.”

“No…there’s…” On some level of his mind, he knew that sober Isa would absolutely, one hundred percent fight against this. Sober Isa was rational and calm and didn’t like drawing attention to himself. But drunk Isa? Drunk Isa just wanted to make out with his boyfriend and didn’t give a shit about any other details. And how could he fight against himself when Lea was sitting there just a few inches away from him looking at him like that, pupils blown wide with excitement and expectation and the tip of his tongue poking out between his lips as his fingers grazed over the neck of the bottle. He was just so unrealistically pretty, and it was really unfair, and _fuck it it didn’t even matter_ he just wanted to touch him.

Not that Terra and Aqua were paying attention anyway, too busy flirting with each other to care what anyone else was doing. She kept yelling out colors and body parts as she spun the dial, and Terra kept slipping all over the mat and groaning, and they were both laughing, and they were a million miles away. It was just Isa and Lea now, and that’s exactly how he had wanted it.

“Fine,” he said, still watching, mesmerized, as Lea’s fingers stroked over the bottle. His throat felt very dry suddenly, and his tongue felt too heavy in his mouth. There was a weird flutter in his stomach, and he wasn’t really sure if it was the nerves or if he was going to be sick. Maybe both. “Lie down then.”

“Aw, baby, don’t act like you don’t want to,” Lea crooned, tilting Isa’s face toward him as he pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth. 

Isa felt giggles bubbling up inside of his chest, pure ecstasy, as he hiccuped and fell against Lea in a fit of laughter. He had never called him baby before, but it did something to him, sent a jolt of electricity racing up his spine, made every single part of his body feel so, so alive. 

“Wait, but do you want to?” Lea asked, gulping down some more of the gin. The bottle was nearly empty. 

“Yes,” Isa answered as he made a trail of kisses all the way up Lea’s neck to his mouth. “Of course.” 

“Okay, good. Consent is sexy.” He winked, pushing the bottle of gin into Isa’s hands as he lay down on the crumpled, liquor-soaked Twister mat. He looked so unbelievably beautiful lying there with flushed, glistening skin, his arms resting above his head and his hair splayed out like a wild inferno around his face as he gazed up at Isa with half-closed eyes and a delicate smile curving his pretty pink lips. Isa couldn’t help but return the smile. He’d never wanted Lea more in his life than he did right now. 

He glanced over to where their friends had been moments before and saw no sign of Aqua, though he didn’t remember hearing her get up, and Terra had managed to pull himself up onto the couch on the other side of the room, where he lay with his arm thrown over his face and groaning, barely moving. It was pretty safe to say that the game of Twister was over.

“We should go upstairs,” Isa said. Everything was swimming in front of him, and it really felt like he was underwater, pushing against the current and hardly able to move. He heard Lea chuckle, and his eyes snapped over to him again, gliding down his pretty, thin frame and landing to meet his gaze. 

“I can’t make it up the stairs,” Lea said, and Isa could agree with that. He wasn’t even sure if he was able to stand up. As wobbly and unstable as he felt right now, balancing on his hands and knees as he crawled over to Lea, he knew that if he tried to get up right now, he would just fall down again. That’s why he’d always hated getting drunk, because it made him feel like some useless toddler that required constant care and attention. But it had seemed like a pretty good idea a few hours ago, and drinking more off of Lea seemed like a pretty good idea right now. 

Clutching the bottle in his right hand, he settled in between Lea’s legs, nudging one of his thighs to the side to give himself a wide enough space. He felt breathless suddenly, lighter than air as he stared down at him, still in awe after all these years of how beautiful and perfect and wonderful he was and still wondering, somewhere deep within the confines of his drunken mind, what he had done to deserve all of this, what he had done to deserve Lea. He leaned down, hovering just a few inches above Lea as he ran his hand down his chest, his fingers ghosting over his pert nipple and the long, white scar over his heart. He felt Lea inhale sharply, and he glanced up at his face, his mouth hanging open and his pupils dark and dilated against the emerald green. 

“Isa…” he murmured, hands reaching for Isa’s face, and he obliged, letting Lea drag him closer into a long, deep kiss that left his head swirling even more so than it was before. Lea was so drunk, and he should have tasted like nothing but pure alcohol, and yet, as he lay there with Lea’s hands pulling at his hair and his tongue dragging across the roof of his mouth, he tasted sweet and perfect, like raspberries and chocolate and ice cream, and it was the most wonderful thing he’d ever tasted in his life. 

He managed to pull away, though it was hard, and pressed a kiss against Lea’s collarbone, which pulled a soft gasp from his lips as his hands closed around Isa’s face, trying to guide him downward. He was breathless, his chest heaving, and Isa grinned against his skin and kissed the top of his scar. Lea groaned, his grip tightening in Isa’s hair, pulling it gently.

It drove him mad, his brain completely fogging over, and he ground himself downward against Lea, dragging another moan from him that turned into a pathetic whimper. He was gasping for breath now, his fingers digging into Isa’s shoulders, and Isa felt his dick twitch against him. _God._ He squeezed his eyes shut, backing off just a little, and let his hand fall to the inside of Lea’s thigh, dragging his thumb across it in gentle, swirling circles. He sucked in a breath as Lea squirmed underneath him, and then opened his eyes and exhaled. He felt a little more level-headed now, a little smarter, though Lea was still beautiful and his heart was still pounding and he knew – _he knew_ – he could not last much longer like this. 

“Is this what you used to do at Organization parties?” he asked. 

Lea nodded, swallowing hard, and Isa watched the movement of his throat in quiet admiration. Every single little detail was perfect. “Yeah, but it would have been more fun if you were there.” 

“I think the others would have disagreed.” He sighed, lifting the bottle to his lips and taking a swig of the pink liquid. He winced against the taste of it, bold and disgusting and fruity and sweet, far too much for him, but it was all he had and there were only a few drops left and he was determined that he was going to drink the rest of it off his boyfriend. Slowly, he leaned forward again, tipping the bottle just slightly as Lea watched him in wonder, and he let the liquid fall over the brim, splashing onto Lea’s chest and running down his smooth skin and onto the floor in tiny rivulets, finally pooling in his navel. Lea shuddered against the impact of the cool liquid, and Isa smiled, pressing a kiss against his jaw. 

“If you would have been like this, they wouldn’t have,” Lea said. His chest was still heaving, trying to pull in oxygen and failing. He hadn’t realized that he could have this sort of impact on someone, not even Lea. 

Slowly, he dragged his hand upward, his thumb gliding lightly over the growing hardness in Lea’s pants, and Lea wriggled wildly underneath his touch, biting down on his bottom lip to try to suppress the moan that wracked his entire body. Gin spilled off of him, and Isa reached up and grabbed his shoulder, pushing him back down to the ground. 

“Be still,” he said, deadly serious and demanding, and Lea obeyed him, barely even breathing anymore. His pupils had grown wider, almost completely eliminating the green in his eyes. “You like being bossed around?” 

Lea nodded a little, then shrugged. “Maybe.” 

Isa glanced up again at Terra, still lying on the couch, taking in breaths so shallow that it was almost like he wasn’t even breathing at all. He was pretty sure he was passed out. Somewhere in the house, he could still hear the laughter and chatter of the teenagers, though it was much quieter than it had been all night. 

“Is this how you ended up making out with Demyx?” Isa asked. “Body shots?” 

Lea groaned, more so out of annoyance now, and laughed, shoving Isa away playfully. “Shut the fuck up about Demyx. Talking about him makes my balls shrivel up. I’m _not_ kidding.” 

“Okay, okay,” Isa said, laughing as he pressed a kiss against his neck and pushed his shoulder against the floor again to still him. “I’m sorry. I’m kidding. I will never mention it again.” 

“You just love to kill the mood, don’t you?” 

“It’s my expertise. Stop wiggling! Do you ever stop moving?” 

“No, I don’t! Now hurry up and fucking take the shot so–” His shouts turned into little gasps as Isa’s lips closed around his nipple and his tongue swirled against his skin, lapping up what little liquid was left on him. Lea’s hands clawed at his hair, pulling weakly as his body shuddered and Isa’s teeth clamped down on him, dragging moan after moan from him that swelled to greater volumes by the second. 

“Shut up,” Isa hissed, pressing a hand over his mouth to try to stop the sound, but that was really only for everyone else’s sake, because it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, and _he_ had caused it. It was all his. He stopped, looking up at Lea, who stilled for a moment and exhaled a laugh as he pulled Isa’s hand away from his mouth. Isa laughed as well as he kissed Lea’s chest. 

“Sorry,” Lea murmured, squirming a little. “I’ll try to be quiet. But you know me, whore of the castle. You’re a lucky guy.” He winked, and Isa crumbled, almost sure that he was going to come undone right then and there. 

He continued onward down Lea’s long body, hands settling on his hips to try to keep him still while he sucked pink gin off of his sweaty skin. It didn’t help, trying to hold him down, because every little thing Isa did seemed to send him over the edge, turning him into a whimpering, whining mess. Neither of them had touched each other like this in so long. Being this close again made it hard to think, hard to breathe, and it was all moving so, so fast. Both of them were going to come completely unhinged before they’d even gotten started. 

“Isa…I…” Lea was panting now as he wrapped his legs around Isa’s waist, drawing him closer, his ass resting against Isa’s groin, which drew the first moan from Isa as he rubbed against him. He covered the sound by closing his mouth around Lea’s belly button, sucking up the rest of the gin that had pooled there and flinching as it burned the back of his throat. 

That seemed to be all that Lea could handle. Isa continued sucking on his skin, and Lea yelped, his hips bucking upward so violently that his pelvic bone slammed into Isa’s chin, knocking him back and making him see stars. 

“Shit. Shit, I am so sorry,” Lea said, scrambling to get off the ground as Isa wiped at his face, still so stunned by what had happened that he couldn’t even form words. He looked over to meet Lea’s eyes, wide and full of concern as his fingers grazed Isa’s face, and he laughed, falling forward and pressing his forehead against Lea’s. He both felt and heard Lea exhale in relief, and then he laughed too. 

“It’s so embarrassing,” Lea said. “I’m so sorry. I…really thought I was gonna have an orgasm, and you hadn’t even done anything. I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” Isa said, brushing some of Lea’s beautiful, auburn hair out of his face. He felt a fresh wave of fog washing over his brain, and the world spun around him as he struggled to string his thoughts together. “We just haven’t…I mean…I…” He shook his head, pressing a hand against his temple as pain pulsed through his skull. “Me too. I waited for you.” 

“Me too.” 

Lea stroked over his cheek, his thumb brushing against his chin where he’d hit him, and a slow smile spread across his face. “We’re kind of a mess.” 

Isa shrugged. “Just a little out of sync. We’ll be okay.” 

Lea sighed, falling into Isa’s outstretched arms and resting his head against his shoulder. He yawned. “I’m so drunk. I don’t even think I can get up. Did I ruin everything?” 

“No,” Isa replied, tightening his arms around Lea’s neck as he kissed the top of his head. “Do you want to try to go upstairs?” 

Lea hummed against his neck, his lips moving slightly in what might have been a kiss. “So I guess we’re not taking things slow anymore, huh?” 

Isa shook his head, skin brushing against Lea’s hair. “I don’t want to.” His voice was low, almost a whisper. “I just want you. Forever.” 

Lea pulled away from him just enough so that they could look into each other’s eyes, and his mouth turned up into a cute, dreamy smile as he kissed Isa’s nose. “Penguins,” he said. 

“Yes,” Isa replied, heart starting to accelerate in his chest. “I suppose we are.” 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Somehow they managed to get to their feet. It took lots of help from one another, and Isa was pretty sure they had wasted a good hour of time falling back on their asses and laughing as they tried to disentangle their limbs from each other, but eventually they stumbled out of the room and made it to the kitchen to get water. 

Lea fulfilled his fantasy of sweeping everything off of a table and throwing Isa on top of it, but it was a difficult and messy feat. They were not sixteen anymore, and Isa was slightly larger than him, and both of them were still wobbling, but he still let Lea lift him off his feet, and he still wrapped his legs around his waist, and they _fell_ onto the table more so than anything, collapsing into a fit of laughter and gentle kisses placed wherever they could reach each other. 

“I can’t get enough of you,” Isa whispered against Lea’s lips, but he wasn’t sure if Lea was listening because he didn’t respond, just kept sticking his tongue down Isa’s throat and letting his hands wander all across his body. He tugged on the hem of Isa’s shirt, and Isa shifted, raising up just slightly so that Lea could pull it up over his head. He discarded it somewhere, tossing it to the side, and fell back into kissing Isa, hands drifting over his abdomen as Isa let his fall to Lea’s ass. 

“You’re so pretty,” Lea said. “How are you so pretty?” He pushed some hair away from Isa’s face and sucked on his earlobe, tongue gliding over the silver earring there, and Isa sighed in contentment, turning his head to give him better access. 

“We should go upstairs,” he said. 

Lea nodded, climbing off of him and stumbling backward, and Isa grabbed his hand just in time to stop him from hitting the floor. He laughed, dropping down onto the cold tiles anyway, and Isa slid off next to him, giggling so much that his ribs were starting to ache. 

They struggled again, though less so this time since they’d sobered up just slightly, and made their way out of the room. It was nearly impossible to stay away from each other. They walked holding hands, and every few steps, Lea would turn around and press Isa against the wall and kiss him until one of them decided to start moving again. They tripped several times, dragging each other down each time, which just brought more laughter and more kisses as they tried to get up again. 

Isa was pretty sure everyone else in the house was asleep. Everything was quiet except for the sound of their laughter. Somehow, miraculously, it didn’t wake anyone up. Either that, or no one cared enough to get up and try to figure out what was banging and clattering up the stairs. He still wasn’t even sure where Aqua went. 

It took them another hour to get to Lea’s room, and by then, most of their clothes had been discarded, and neither of them really cared where they had ended up and what the morning’s events would look like. By the time they collapsed into bed, Lea was yawning and groaning and making weird retching noises. 

“I don’t feel so good,” he said, reaching out to touch Isa’s face. The room was dark, only lit by the pale glow of the moon, and it was so beautiful falling across Lea’s nearly bare body. 

“So sleep,” Isa told him, turning his head to kiss Lea’s palm. “We have all the time in the world.” 

But it felt just like the night before they broke into the castle in Radiant Garden, when they were both teetering on the edge of a disaster, looking down at a point of no return. Like they were saying goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been absent, friends. I've uh...never written anything like this before, but I feel like this is something that you all deserve during this wonderful AkuSai month 2019. Hope it was worth the wait? I struggled. I promise chapters will be shorter from now on. (: also, if I do an Aqua/Terra thing, I might write it so that it can fit in with the events of this fic?


	15. Swear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > We're only young and naïve still  
> We require certain skills  
> The mood it changes like the wind  
> Hard to control when it begins  
> The bittersweet between my teeth  
> Trying to find the in-betweens  
> Fall back in love eventually 
> 
> -"Young Blood" by The Naked and Famous
> 
> I struggled a lot with this chapter. I've never written anything like this before, so I'm very, very sorry if it's bad. I really just don't even know what I'm doing anymore.  
> Warning: this chapter contains smut and mild violence.

He awoke with a headache that was only amplified tenfold by the bright light of an afternoon sun shining through the curtains, and he groaned, flopping over to face Lea, who was curled up next to him and lying on his arm. When he tried to move, a pins-and-needles sensation raced through him, and he groaned again, deciding instead to just lie there and suffer. It wasn't all that bad. Lea was up against him, body completely bare and exuding a warmth so powerful that it was almost suffocating as he slept soundly, arms stretched out over Isa's chest.

He sighed, moving the arm that was pinned underneath Lea so that he could wrap it around his waist. This was exactly everything that he had wanted and more, despite the headache and the dizzying feeling and the damn lights blinding him. None of that even mattered, because he could finally look forward to waking up to Lea every morning. There was nothing that could take that away from him.

Still, he felt a stone settling in his stomach that felt all too familiar, the heavy weight of emotions that he thought he was done with. Sadness. Regret. Guilt. Of course, he should have known not to get drunk last night. It was all fun until the next day, when he started to get to the point where he couldn't move, couldn't think, couldn't really breathe. Something he forced himself to push past when he'd been in the castle, because those emotions didn't exist. Back then, he wouldn't have recognized it for what it was anyway. Depression, passed on to him from his mother, intensified by his own actions and the trauma of it all.

He groaned again, his chest feeling tight, and leaned to press a kiss to the top of Lea's head. He still wasn't awake, barely moving at all. Isa forced himself to breathe, unsure if he or anyone else in the house could handle a breakdown today. But he couldn’t get through it alone, he knew. It felt like something was on top of him, weighing him down, pressing him deep into the mattress as his breathing picked up and stuttered out of him almost painfully. 

"Lea..." he whispered, shaking the sleeping figure next to him, feeling more frantic now. He hated to wake him up when he looked so peaceful, but he thought that if he sat here in silence for much longer he might go insane. It took several shakes, but Lea finally woke up, eyes cracking open just slightly as he grabbed Isa's hand, pushing it away from him and grumbling under his breath about the sunlight.

"What? What is so important that you --" He stopped as Isa wrapped his arms around him, clutching him tightly as he pressed his face into his neck. He hated it, how desperate and clingy it seemed to have to depend on Lea so much, but it was all he had right now. Lying here like this, knowing he was close and breathing in the smell of him, was enough to calm him down for the moment, but he knew it wasn't over. It wasn't ever going to be over. For the rest of his life, he'd be in a constant war with his mind.

"What's wrong?" Lea asked. "It's okay. Hey, shh. It's okay." He held Isa's face in his hands, foreheads pressed together as he whispered against his lips, and Isa felt his body relax against him. He sighed, the first full breath he'd been able to take since waking.

"Sorry," he said, letting his grip on Lea loosen a little. "I got a little panicked for a minute. I'm okay."

"You're fine. You scared me." He kissed him gently on the cheek and smiled, but the happiness did not quite reach his eyes. He was still in a haze of sleep, not fully awake yet. "Not sure about you, but I've got a hell of a headache." He flopped over onto his back, throwing his arm over his eyes as he groaned.

"I do too." Isa lay back as well, incredibly conscious now that he was entirely naked, and he did not recall ever taking his clothes off last night. In fact, the last thing he remembered was Lea nearly knocking him out with his hip. Everything else seemed kind of hazy.

"What did we do last night?" he asked.

"Nothing. I fell asleep."

"Ah." He remembered now, how terribly sad he had felt before falling asleep himself. He wasn't sure why he had been suddenly struck with this idea that Lea was going to leave him, but it had hit him hard, and if he hadn't been so drunk and exhausted, he probably would have been sent into an anxiety attack.

He glanced over at Lea and saw that he was looking at him, a small smile curling his lips, and he couldn't help but smile as well. "What?"

"Nothing. Your hair just looks really pretty with the sunlight. It's so shiny. It's like...I don't know. It's not like the ocean. It's prettier than that."

Isa rolled over to face him and traced a line down his sharp nose. "Stop. You know compliments make me uncomfortable."

"You just get all shy and embarrassed. It's cute." He pressed a hand against Isa's cheek, which was burning hot with a violent blush, and grinned.

Isa turned his face away, only mildly irritated at how flustered Lea could make him at all times. Just the simplest of words touched him in ways he could not understand. How ridiculous it was that one person could have so much power over him.

"I don't want to get up," he said. "I wish we could just stay here."

"We can," Lea said.

"It's Xion and Roxas's last day of summer. We should get up."

Lea let out a weak whimper, poking his lower lip out in a pout before drawing Isa in for a kiss. "I forgot. We should probably go help them with their project."

"Yes, I suppose we should." He started to climb out of bed, though he didn't much want to. Then he remembered that he was still very much naked and half hard, and though he knew he was a responsible adult with kids to take care of now, the desire was very much there, an overpowering sensation that made it hard to think. He turned back to look at Lea, still lying there so beautifully, red hair against clean white sheets, his eyes wide and watchful as he reached out, fingers just barely brushing Isa's.

"Come back to bed for a minute," he begged. He'd never heard Lea sound so pitiful. "Please."

He sighed, rolling his eyes, but he wasn't annoyed in the slightest. In fact, he'd been hoping for Lea to say something. He collapsed back beside him, pulling him into a kiss that felt a little urgent and needy as Lea's hands drifted down his back and rested on his bare ass, squeezing him gently. “Your skin is so smooth,” he said, almost in awe, as his gaze flicked up to meet Isa’s again. “Are you sure you’re okay? I don’t wanna --” 

“I’m fine. Better now. You make things easier.” 

Lea smiled softly and kissed him, at first grazing his lips with a touch that was lighter than air, then slowly, it escalated, his arms wrapping around Isa’s neck, fingers tangling and pulling his hair, tongue forcing its way into his mouth and pressing hungrily against his own. He welcomed it, shifting slightly so that their bodies were crushed even closer together, his growing erection rubbing just slightly against Lea’s own. Lea pulled away from him at the contact, throwing his head back for a brief moment as he sucked in a shaky breath, hand falling downward to rest on Isa’s hip, fingernails biting into sensitive skin. 

“I don’t believe we got to finish what we started,” Isa said as Lea shuddered, burying his face into the crook of Isa’s neck and gently nipping at his collarbone. It was incredible and fascinating to watch him start to come unhinged like this in such a short amount of time, and Isa couldn’t help but smile. As easily as he melted at every touch, it was hard to believe that he hadn’t chased this sensation the few years Isa had refused to touch him. Maybe because Isa had very adamantly informed him that there was no sensation to chase because they could not feel. Or maybe because Lea was just that loyal. He wasn’t sure. 

Lea looked back at him, pupils wide again, his face clouded over with obvious desire as he bit down on his bottom lip, hips rising just slightly to meet Isa’s. “Let’s finish it then.” 

That settled it. They weren’t leaving the bedroom. Isa fell forward into Lea again, capturing his lips in a kiss that felt very nearly desperate, like he’d never been kissed before. He gently nudged at Lea’s mouth with his tongue, forcing him to pry his jaw open and let him inside to explore, to take what was his. He licked at the roof of Lea’s mouth, then clamped down on his bottom lip hard enough to make Lea cry out in pain, but before he could pull away to mumble out an apology, Lea was on him again, one hand grasping at his hair and the other still resting on his hip, fingers digging angrily and violently into his skin as he rutted against Isa, both of them fully hard now. 

He pulled away from Lea’s warm, desperate mouth for just a moment to catch his breath, and he nudged Lea’s leg with his thigh to encourage him to keep going with what he was doing, the sensation of Lea’s dick rubbing against his own almost too much for him to bear. Of course, this wasn’t the first time they had been like this. In their first few months after joining the Organization, they’d been so desperate and wanting for some sort of comfort that Isa couldn’t stop himself from dragging Lea back to his room every single night and tearing off layers of clothing so they could touch each other. At first he felt nothing, and then he thought he felt something, and then he went back to feeling nothing, and eventually, he’d just stopped it altogether, until they weren’t doing anything except sharing secret, stolen kisses and meeting for occasional make out sessions that tapered off into nothing short of disinterest on Isa’s part. It had just been a long, long time since they’d been like this, and it showed. 

Besides, it was different now. He had a heart, and he could feel everything, all the pleasure coursing through his veins, the overwhelming, dizzying, intoxicating love that had pulled on him for so, so long, threatening to drown him. He loved Lea. He loved him so damn much that it hurt, a pain that he welcomed wholeheartedly as Lea’s face pressed against his neck again, his breath coming in short, ragged pants as he continued to rut against him like a damn animal. 

“Still okay?” he asked, his voice so strangled that Isa had barely heard him. 

“Perfect,” he replied, closing in on Lea’s neck, right above his pulse point, planting a kiss there and then biting down on it, sucking his sensitive skin as his tongue traced over it, each erratic pound of his heart sending out a dull thump that sent electricity racing through Isa’s bones. He shouldn’t be so turned on by this particular thing, feeling the fast pulsation of blood through Lea’s veins, but something about feeling life pump through him, about knowing that there was a heart in there now, was nearly enough to make him fall deep into a mindless haze. He was desperate for him now, his body begging for something that his heartless, emotionless shell had denied him for so long. He wanted them to be fully connected again, completely in sync with one another, their hearts, their souls, their minds, their bodies. 

“Remember -- _ah_ \-- remember when you let me jerk you off for the first time when we were showering together?” Lea said through ragged gasps as Isa continued biting and sucking at his skin and Lea’s fingernails tore into his hips. “And it was weird because we were both just kind of...guessing what we were supposed to be feeling? And then...” He chuckled a little bit, the warm breath tickling at Isa’s bare skin and sending a shock down his spine and straight to his twitching, throbbing dick. He wasn’t going to last much longer, which was entirely humiliating, so he needed to switch things up. Calm himself down, try something else, draw this out as long as he could. “And then Lexaeus walked in right when I let out this really loud moan, and you got really embarrassed, and...and...” 

“He couldn’t look at us for two weeks,” Isa finished for him, because it sounded like Lea was just about as breathless as Isa felt. “I remember. I felt something. Stupid of me to let anyone tell me otherwise.” He pulled away from Lea completely, which earned him a small whimper of protest from his boyfriend, but he didn’t plan on being away long. How could he? He threw the cover off of him, exposing himself completely, and shuddered at the tormenting rush of cool air that suddenly beat against his skin, a sharp contrast to the unbelievable heat that Lea’s body was emitting. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Lea asked, his voice already so filled with guilt that it made Isa’s heart ache. 

“No,” he answered, taking in deep breaths and trying to calm himself down. “No, I just...it’s been a long time. A really, really long time. And we never --” 

“I know. I was getting there too.” Lea sighed, flopping over onto his back and spreading his legs wide as he peered up at Isa, his eyes half-closed and a sort of dreamy smile gracing his lips. Isa’s eyes connected with Lea’s for a brief moment, and he was rendered breathless by how truly glazed over with lust they were. He let his gaze travel down the rest of Lea’s body, his messy, tangled hair sticking out around him, his swollen lips, his perfectly pink flushed cheeks, the glaring red, spit-slick splotch that Isa had left on his neck. His chest heaved as he let one of his hands fall above his head, fingers gripping at the pillowcase, while the other fell to his dick, stroking it lazily as he stared up at Isa. 

Isa groaned as the heat pooled in his stomach once again. He’d seen Lea naked plenty of times, but this was the most beautiful sight he’d ever laid eyes on, completely bare and waiting and wanting. He looked down at his own erection and noticed that the head of his dick was dripping with precome, and he was breathless, so breathless as he tried to decide what he wanted to do here, if he wanted to jerk Lea off, if he wanted Lea to jerk him off, if he wanted Lea’s mouth around him...

“What --” 

“Do whatever you want,” Lea said, his voice a low purr. “I’m all yours.” 

_All yours._ Shit. That awoke something within him, the beast that lay curled up and sleeping in the deepest recesses of his mind, and the familiar surge of power began thumping through his veins as he cursed, falling to his hands and knees and begging for it to stop because he did not want to do it, not like this, not in berserker state when he was not entirely himself and he could end up hurting Lea. But he could not stop himself as he pounced forward, one hand wrapping tightly around Lea’s wrist and wrenching him free from touching himself while the other grasped at Lea’s hair, pulling him up so that they were face-to-face as his lips crashed violently against Lea’s. 

He felt the whimper of protest coming from Lea, but slowly, as Isa’s tongue delved deeper into his mouth, it turned into a low moan, and he fell forward, pressing his body painfully against Isa’s, relaxing until he was completely malleable in his violent grip. 

“ _Fuck,_ Isa,” he groaned as his tongue glided over the sharp fangs now protruding in his mouth, and his body trembled in pleasure before he broke away from him, lying back down and dragging Isa on top of him. He moaned and whined, drool slipping past his lips and down his chin as he rolled his hips against Isa in a gentle, suggestive way that drove Isa to near madness. He still had Lea’s wrist in a vice-like grip, his heart hammering wildly in his chest as wave after wave of strength and power roared through him, and he gritted his teeth, biting down painfully and trying to get this all to stop, but Lea’s desperate little “please please please” was not helping out too much with that. 

He surged forward, lips and teeth clamping down around one of Lea’s nipples, tearing through flesh around it and Lea _screamed,_ hand fisting into Isa’s hair as he squirmed and undulated beneath him. A thin line of blood rose to the surface, and Isa lapped at it, shuddering with both pleasure and disgust at himself for actually enjoying this, for wanting to just let the monster run wild and fuck Lea senseless, but it wasn’t right, it wasn’t him -- 

“No,” he murmured against Lea’s skin, shoulders shaking and body strained as he fought to control his urges. He felt Lea relax underneath him, though he was still breathing rather heavily, and his hands slid down to cup Isa’s face, forcing him to look up at him. He still had Lea’s wrist in his grasp, and as his heart rate started to slow and he gazed up into Lea’s green eyes, he pried his fingers away, letting his hand fall uselessly onto the bed. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, finally feeling his muscles unfurl as he collapsed against Lea. He didn’t even want to look at whatever damage he’d done. He buried his face into Lea’s chest, breathing in the scent of him, trying to calm down. They were never going to be able to do this, to feel each other completely, if he couldn’t get some damn control over himself. 

“No, I’m sorry,” Lea said. “Isa, look at me.” He tilted Isa’s head back, forcing their eyes to meet again, and Isa looked away, face scorching hot with shame and disgust. The worst fucking part was that he was still aroused after all of this, and it enraged him to no end. He hated himself. He could have hurt Lea, far worse than he’d already hurt him. Hell, he could have killed him. 

“Baby, look at me.” Isa’s eyes snapped up to meet Lea’s finally as he felt a tremble rattle through his bones. That lit him on fire too, Lea using cute pet names for him. “I’m sorry. I got a little carried away. It was my fault. Don’t sit there and blame yourself for that. I encouraged it. I...just...” 

“You like it.” 

“No! I mean, yes, but just...I like how rough you are with me.” 

“I could hurt you --” 

“But I know you won’t. I trust you.” 

“You shouldn’t --” 

“But I do. All of this -- the biting and the bruising -- I wanted you to do that. I liked it. Besides, if it came down to it, I’m pretty sure I could kick your ass in a fight. I’ve been training, you know.” He winked, and Isa snorted a laugh and rolled his eyes as he kissed the bite he’d left from earlier. Lea was always good at making light of a situation. Even if Isa didn’t necessarily agree with what he was saying, it made him feel slightly better, nonetheless.

“We can stop if you need to,” Lea told him, hands smoothing over Isa’s hair and rubbing between his shoulder blades. 

Isa relaxed at the touch, groaning as he pressed his face into Lea’s hard, muscled chest again. From the position he was lying in, he could feel Lea’s erection against his stomach, leaking precome onto his skin. He lay perfectly still underneath Isa’s weight, giving off a nearly suffocating amount of heat as he waited, calloused fingers roaming over Isa’s bare skin.

“I don’t want to stop,” he murmured, raising his head to look at Lea again. He was so unrealistically beautiful with the afternoon sun shining down upon him and bathing him in a bright, warm glow. Isa had never felt close to the light, not even when he was living in Radiant Garden where everything was light, but lying here like this looking up at Lea, he thought this might be the closest he would ever get to touching the sweet, blissful perfection that came from walking the path of light. And he thought maybe he could be okay with that. 

“Okay,” Lea said, wiggling out from underneath Isa. He looked perfectly calm, his mouth curled up into a gentle smile as he crawled over to Isa, who sat leaning back on his haunches, watching the way his muscles shifted underneath his skin as he moved. His eyes fell downward, gliding over his back and down to his smooth ass, and his mouth very suddenly felt dry, his breath hitching in his throat. They were so close. So, so close after all those years he’d yearned for him. “We’ll take things slow, figure out what’s okay and what isn’t. We have all the time in the world.” 

He repeated the same sentiment that Isa had given him the night before, and somehow, that struck something inside of Isa, painful, like a blade piercing through his chest and tearing his heart out all over again. Because it didn’t feel true. Their lives had been too quiet, too calm, as they fell into a normal routine in Twilight Town, which seemed far too good for him to believe. Everything in their lives had been a chaotic mess since they were fifteen. Why would it stop now? 

Still, he nodded, and Lea smiled softly at him as he closed the distance between them, capturing his mouth in a gentle kiss. It was passionate and intimate, and Isa found himself relaxing even more against him, letting Lea do as he pleased for the moment. He had a way of making Isa forget all of the worries that had been plaguing him just seconds before, making him believe for now that everything was okay, that they were not on a timer, that they could take their time with one another and feel each other out again and learn every single thing they had forgotten about one another. 

“Let me know if I’m doing anything to make you uncomfortable,” Lea said as his lips started to travel down Isa’s neck, making a slick, sloppy trail down his chest and his belly. His hands fell to rest on Isa’s thighs, fingers digging into his skin rather roughly one second and then massaging soft, gentle circles the next. It made his whole body tremble, like all of his limbs had turned into jelly, as the pool of heated desire returned to his stomach and traveled southward, curling around his groin. Lea’s tongue dipped into his navel, his breath burning so hot that it felt like literal fire licking at his skin, almost painful but in a pleasant sort of way, and he moaned a little as he squeezed his eyes shut, head falling forward onto his chest, and he breathed, shuddering, his hands grasping for something to hold on to and finally digging into Lea's hair. He was pushing him downward just a little, his dick twitching in anticipation at the thought of that unbelievable heat scorching him as Lea's lips wrapped so beautifully around him. He wanted the heat. He needed that familiarity, something he'd only ever been halfway interested in years ago, now something he could give his full attention to.

Lea kissed lower still, fingers grabbing harder at his thighs, and Isa let out a low hiss, staring down at Lea's face hovering just inches away from his groin. Lea looked up at him so tenderly, so lovingly, that it made his heart burst all over again, and he shivered at the sight of him, green eyes peeking out underneath thick, dark lashes, lips parted and already shining with saliva, waiting obediently for permission.

"Is this okay?" he asked, nudging the base of Isa's dick with his nose and then pressing a soft ghost of a kiss there.

Isa sucked in a breath, shaking again, his brain muddled and barely able to form coherent thoughts. "Y-yes," he choked out, the desire so overwhelming that he thought he might come right then.

Lea loosened his grip on Isa's thighs just a little, placing a kiss to the inside of one of them, and then he dipped down, wrapping his lips around the head of his dick, and Isa nearly sobbed as he fell forward, relishing in the painful, ungodly heat of him. God, it was so pleasantly, deliciously arousing, and his hands left Lea's hair and traveled down, settling onto his shoulders and digging greedily into the soft skin there. He felt Lea choke and gasp around him, his jaw opening further to make room as Isa thrust his hips forward, pushing deeper into the sweltering wetness of Lea's mouth.

"Why--" he started, barely able to get words out as Lea slid almost effortlessly over his length. What he couldn't fit in his mouth, he stroked over with his thin, elegant fingers. "Why are you so hot?"

"Well..." Lea pulled away just briefly, and Isa nearly cried out at the sudden coolness that swirled over him, but in seconds, Lea was on him again, tongue teasing against his slit and lapping up precome that kept leaking out in thick strands. He looked up at Isa again, smirking as he dragged his tongue along the underside of his length, and Isa groaned in pleasure as his hands came to rest in Lea's hair again. “I would say genetics, but neither of my parents were all that cute, so...oh! You mean like temperature hot. Um...feelings and stuff?” He chuckled and fell back into his slow rhythm of sucking and stroking, and Isa smiled and laughed at him as ran his fingers through his hair. 

“What sorts of feelings?” he asked as he picked up the rhythm of his rolling hips, pushing deeper into Lea’s mouth. Any other time, he might have wanted to escape the heat because it was suffocating, but this? Sweat was rolling down his face, his back, his chest, and the sweltering, muggy air that hung around them made him dizzy, clouding his already incoherent brain even more so with nothing but thoughts of Lea. 

“Mmph.” Lea opened up wider, though it didn’t seem like he could take much more. There was drool dripping down his chin and all over Isa’s legs, and Isa gave one final thrust into his mouth, the head of his dick brushing the very back of Lea’s throat, and he gasped out a shaky, stuttering breath as Lea moaned, deep and low and very nearly feral. 

“Lea...” he tried to say, but he felt like his voice was raspy and hoarse and lost, totally lost in the other sounds he was making. It was hard to breathe, and his body was heaving as his hands clawed into Lea’s hair and his legs trembled, giving way underneath his weight. “Lea, I’m --” 

He tried to give him fair enough warning, but Lea didn’t move, and Isa’s hips rolled forward against his face one final time as he came, completely blacking out for a few seconds as his fingers grasped for something to hold on to and finally resting, white-knuckled, against the bedsheets as he released inside of Lea’s mouth. 

“Fuck,” he murmured, once he came to again, blinking against the light and against the tears in his eyes. Lea pulled away from him, and Isa’s eyes snapped up to watch him as he swallowed, wiping his mouth, and then grinned. His face was fully red, covered in sweat, and he already looked completely fucked out. 

“What kind of feelings?” Lea said, leaning back against his pillow and spreading his legs again to put himself on full display. His tone was casual, as if he hadn’t just let Isa come in his mouth, and they were just talking about the weather or something equally unimportant. “I guess excitement. Happiness. Passion. Desire. Hmm...” 

Isa’s gaze fell to Lea’s crotch for just a moment, admiring the soft red hairs that framed his flushed, half-hard dick and the freckles that lined his thighs. He used to kiss over all of those freckles. He could still do that now. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said as he crawled over to him on weak, shaking hands and knees. “I didn’t mean to --” 

“Baby, it’s okay,” Lea said, his arm curling up around Isa’s neck and drawing him into a kiss. It wasn’t sweet, like most of Lea’s kisses were. No, this was bitter, the taste of him still heavy on Lea’s lips, and it was both strange and intoxicating to him. “I wanted you to do it. Okay? You don’t have to treat me like I’m made of glass. I want you. All of you.” 

“All of me?” Isa asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yes.” Lea’s finger traced over the scar on Isa’s face, a gentle touch, barely there. Isa would normally flinch away if anyone touched him there. It awoke memories within him, and the skin was so sensitive, and sometimes it hurt, just as if it was fresh as the day he got it. However, when Lea touched him, it felt familiar and intimate and pure and full of love and affection, because he _did_ care about him, every last bit of him, even the ugliest bits, the pieces that made Isa feel like a monster. 

His chest ached as he fell forward to kiss Lea again. He loved him. He was so, so in love with him, and he could hardly contain it. 

“Everything still okay?” Lea asked. 

“Yes. Everything is...perfect. You’re perfect.” 

Lea chuckled against Isa’s lips, his arm tightening around his neck to draw him closer. “Didn’t know you could be so soft.” 

“Shut up.” He collapsed into him, wrapping his arms around his neck as he kissed down his jawline and across his shoulders, taking care to brush across the clusters of freckles spread out like galaxies across his skin. He was still so warm as he wriggled and squirmed underneath Isa's weight, creating that perfect friction between them that made Isa's head spin and drew a long, loud moan from Lea that echoed in the otherwise silent room.

"You're so loud," Isa hissed, pressing his face into Lea's neck and kissing him. It was both arousing and humorous as he imagined someone else in the house hearing them, what they would say or do. It had definitely gotten them into some uncomfortable and fun situations in the castle. Lexaeus walking in on them had just been the tip of the iceberg.

"Whore of the castle," Lea said, like it was a badge of honor.

Isa rolled his eyes, smiling as he kissed his chest. "And yet you never whored around."

"Nah, just made people think I did." Lea's back arched, his whole body pressing closer into Isa, and Isa sighed into a kiss, trying to contain the groan that was trying to slip past his lips. "Hey, you know what Larxene said?"

"Larxene said a lot of things." Honestly, he wasn't really interested, but he halfway listened as he continued kissing across Lea's chest, stopping at the place where he'd bitten him earlier, and then continued down his stomach.

"She said -- _fuck,_ Isa."

His body rolled into him again, and Isa made a mental note that biting down around Lea's hips seemed to get him excited. Biting down anywhere seemed to do the trick, really. He didn't mind being rough with him, so long as it was _him_ and not the monster inside of him. "She said fuck Isa?"

"I mean, probably. Shut up." He shoved Isa playfully, chuckling, as he settled his hands on Isa's shoulders and relaxed against the bed again. "No, she said that I was an idiot, and the only reason I was getting off easy all the time is 'cause I was sucking your dick. She said maybe she should try to get under you too. I told her she wasn't really your type."

Isa settled on sucking and nipping a spot on Lea's hip. His skin still tasted slightly like gin from last night. He looked up, not stopping what he was doing, and let his hand fall gently to stroke Lea into a full erection again. It tore another moan from him that shuddered through his whole body. It didn't bother Isa anymore. In fact, he really wanted to experiment and see how loud he could get him. "Do I have a type?"

"I'm your type. Hey, stop!" Lea sprung up from the bed so quickly that Isa startled, holding up an arm to protect his face in case his sharp pelvic bone attacked him again. "Turn around!"

"Why?"

"Just do it."

Isa studied his face, looking for any sign of what was happening, but it was hard to tell with Lea a lot of the time. Still, he was curious, and he did as he was told. Lea fell on him, hands gliding over his ass and stopping at a spot right below his right cheek before crying out in triumph, fingers digging in to the soft skin there and making Isa surge forward a little with a barely suppressed groan.

"There it is!"

"There what is?"

"Your birthmark. It's in the shape of a unicorn head." He leaned forward, pressing a kiss there, and Isa gritted his teeth, trying to contain himself as his heart rate picked up again.

"I don't have a birthmark," he said.

"You want me to take a picture and show you?"

"I hardly think that's necessary." He twisted a little, trying to see what Lea was talking about, but he saw nothing. "I never knew there was anything there."

"Well, do you sit there and stare at your own ass all day?"

"No --"

"So you wouldn't see it. It's hardly noticeable. But I remembered it. I thought it was cute." He kissed there again, then ran his fingers over it, and Isa pulled away from him, shivering at his touch, and turned to kiss him on the mouth.

"You talk too much," he said.

Lea smiled against his lips. "I've got a lot to say."

He was okay with this, lying here and relearning the little things they loved about one another. It had been a long time since he had even been remotely interested in kissing over the freckles on Lea's thighs, and he made sure that he took extra care to do that, memorizing every little detail, every little shudder and gasp he was rewarded with as he touched him.

"Isa..." Lea's voice was almost entirely gone. His fingers curled into Isa's hair weakly, legs trembling with each kiss that skirted over his freckles. He swallowed thickly, biting down on his lip to suppress a moan, but it was too much, a low growl that built up into a whine. "Isa, we don't have time for all this."

Isa stopped the kissing briefly, though he still let his fingers drift over Lea's skin, as he looked up at him, struck suddenly by panic at his words. "What do you mean?" What happened to all the time in the world? He worried that Lea felt it too, that impending urgency, as if this was the last chance they had to be like this. He tried to remain calm, but he felt his heart rate pick up, his breath scrape in his lungs, and it hurt, the fear, the anxiety --

"I mean," Lea said, exasperated as he hooked his long, thin legs around Isa's middle and settled his ass into his lap, "you're teasing me, and if you don't stop, then I feel like I'm going to explode."

"Oh." Isa exhaled in relief, his dick twitching in interest at the sudden weight as well. He pushed out a laugh, though it felt like it grated against his throat. It was just his own worries messing with him again, he supposed. Lea didn't seem concerned at all. "I swear to whatever gods are out there that if you catch on fire --"

"Guess you're just gonna have to get inside me then." His voice had dropped, low and raspy and sensual, and he might as well have caught on fire because Isa felt like he was burning.

"Okay then," he said, voice strained, and he cursed himself for sounding so stupid, for letting Lea make him stupid. His mouth felt dry as he watched Lea roll over onto his stomach and open the drawer on his nightstand, extracting a small container that he then tossed behind him at Isa.

He should not feel so flustered and embarrassed about all of this. He was usually rather good at collecting himself -- or, at least, making people think he was collected -- but right now, he was shaking and fumbling to try to open the lube while Lea lay there staring at him expectantly, a small smirk on his lips while he just watched him struggle like an idiot.

"Shit," he said, tossing it onto Lea's stomach. "Open it."

Lea chuckled, flicking the lid open easily and handing it back to him. "What's wrong?"

"I suppose I can't think properly right now." He was such a mess, a chaotic swirl of fear and excitement that fluttered around in his belly. Were things supposed to be awkward and clumsy like this? Like...well, like their first kiss, a quick peck that nearly missed his mouth entirely and left sticky ice cream residue smeared across his skin while he sat there, frozen and panicked. And then Lea, jerking him off in the shower and not knowing what to do with his other hand. Not knowing what to do with either of his hands, really. Just guessing. Messy and awkward. 

“Sorry that I...stopped...” He was floundering for words, not really sure what he was apologizing for or what was even going through his head. Everything was such a train wreck. Or maybe it was just him. “I wanted to...give you the attention you deserved. But --” 

“Give me attention now. I don’t care about the past.” He settled himself onto Isa again, legs wrapping around his waist and heels pressing hard into the small of his back, almost pleading, urging him forward. 

He didn't need to be urged. The lube was cold -- unpleasantly so -- but Lea was still scorching hot, and when Isa finally shoved one slick finger inside of him, they both sort of trembled at the weird sensation and the sharp contrast, and Lea looked up at him with what looked like a combination of confusion and discomfort as he wriggled against him, trying to relax. There was a lot of resistance, and Isa frowned, pulling out for just a second for fear that he might be hurting Lea, but Lea grabbed his hand, smiling reassuringly at him as he guided him back.

"It's okay," he said. "Just cold. You're supposed to...you know, warm it up first."

"Of course." He must have just completely abandoned his brain when he started drinking last night. He felt like he didn't even have a single brain cell left.

He plunged his finger in again, this time with a bit more confidence and reveling in the heat that enveloped him. He moved slowly, letting Lea get accustomed to the intrusion, muscles unclenching around him, and then added a second finger, and a third. Each time, he felt Lea's feet digging deeper and deeper into his spine, almost painfully, but it was the most wonderful pain, and it was the most beautiful sight, watching Lea falling apart and writhing underneath him, hands curling and uncurling against the bed as he moaned and whimpered Isa's name. His body gleamed with sweat, and he was glowing, positively glowing in the radiant light as he pressed downward against Isa's fingers, twisting his hips to different angles to hit specific spots that made him nearly scream in pleasure.

"You -- _ahh_ \-- you know," Lea started, still grinding downward onto him at a rather erratic pace, a gorgeous and dreamy smile on his lips. He was breathless, struggling for words, but after a few seconds he managed to get them out. "You know what other animals mate for life?"

Isa stopped what he was doing and looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. "Are you...are you really going to spout nature facts to me while I have my fingers inside of you?"

Lea laughed, unhooking his legs from Isa's body and wiggling against him again, this time to get him to move away. He obeyed, not really sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing until Lea got up on his knees and pressed a wet, needy kiss to his lips. He sighed against him, hands falling to rest on his ass and massaging him gently. Lea smiled into the kiss, teeth grazing Isa’s bottom lip, as he pushed him backward onto the bed and climbed clumsily on top of him. He had this look on his face that almost made him appear soft and gentle -- innocent, even -- but Isa knew him. He may have forgotten a few things, but he had known him most of his life, and he could detect even the slightest bit of mischief in the other man’s eyes. 

“Swans,” Lea said, settling on Isa’s lap as he leaned in to press another kiss to his lips. His dick was pressed against Isa as he rocked gently against him. Teasing him. Setting fire to each cell in his body. His mind was fuzzy, his chest aching from so much love and desire. He was breathless, in awe, staring up at Lea on top of him, and he wasn’t entirely sure what the hell was going on, but he let Lea take control of the situation. He almost felt more comfortable that way. 

“Um...wolves. That’s cool, right? Beavers. There are some birds that make these loud noises at each other that’s supposed to let everyone know how much they love each other. Seahorses --” 

“What are you doing?” Isa asked. He wasn’t even listening to him at this point. 

“Talking to you,” Lea answered innocently, pressing his hands into Isa’s chest with surprising force, pinning him against the mattress. “I like talking to you, no matter what we’re doing.” He grinned cheekily. “I’m ready, if you are.” 

Isa nodded, and Lea rose up a little, then slowly, agonizingly, slid back down onto Isa’s dick, his fingers digging into the skin of Isa’s chest as his head lolled backward and a moan escaped from his lips. Isa was a little better at controlling himself, but he felt like all of the wind had been knocked out of him, and he was panting, struck over and over again with waves of pleasure as his hands fell to Lea’s hips, steadying him, clawing into skin that was already bruised from yesterday. 

For a moment, Lea just sat there, not moving, his eyes squeezed shut and face scrunched as if in pain, and Isa watched him in concern, mouth opened just slightly with words he could not quite get out. Then suddenly, a sob broke through Lea’s body, and his shoulders rolled forward, shaking, as tears rolled down his cheeks and fell onto Isa’s skin. 

“Lea?” Isa finally managed to get out, reaching to brush loose hair out of his eyes. “What’s wrong? Why are you --” 

“I missed you,” he said, wiping at his eyes and his nose. Still, tears continued to fall. “I missed you a lot, and I’m just so, so happy that I have you back now. It’s going to be forever this time, okay?” 

“Okay.” 

“Swear it.” He held out a pinky, and Isa chuckled a little and took it, hooking it with his own pinky finger. 

“I swear.” As if pinky swears meant anything. They were childish, with no true binding power. But he intended to keep the promise, regardless. He never wanted to be without Lea again. 

Lea still cried as he moved against him, rising and falling in a sort of slow, irregular, awkward rhythm, and gradually, he quickened his pace as Isa rolled his hips upward into him, almost every thrust striking him exactly where he needed it to, turning Lea into a panting, moaning mess. He wiggled so much, twisting and turning every few seconds to switch angles, and Isa struggled to keep up with him, but even if he was messing everything up like he felt like he was doing, Lea seemed to be enjoying it. And he was enjoying it too, the heat of it all, the feel of Lea clenching and unclenching around him, his hands gliding all over him, gripping his shoulders for purchase, pulling his hair, the low, deep moans and the heavy breathing, the sound of skin on skin. 

“Lea --” His voice was barely there. 

“I’m close.” 

“Me too.” 

It was messy, it was erratic, but somehow, it was all perfect, everything he had wanted and more. He groaned, his hands traveling up Lea’s back, holding tighter to him, not wanting this to end, but he was so close, right on the edge, hot tendrils snaking through his body and pooling in his stomach, scathing hot, burning -- 

Lea’s back arched, and he nearly screamed as he came, but his voice was entirely gone, _he_ was entirely gone. His body fell forward, almost limp, and he pressed a kiss to Isa’s lips as more salty tears fell from his eyes. 

“Lea --” 

“You can come inside me. I don’t care.” 

Fuck. Lea buried his face into Isa’s chest, panting, warm breath hitting his skin so pleasantly, and he snapped his hips up one last time, stiffening as he closed his eyes, emptying himself inside of Lea, just as he asked. 

“I love you,” Lea whispered, burying his face into Isa’s neck and kissing him gently, so gently, and whatever he had been feeling just a few seconds before was nothing -- _nothing_ \-- compared to this, this swirling, dizzying high that Lea had set him on. “I love you so much. I never stopped loving you. And I never will.” 

Isa clutched at him, arms wrapped around his waist as Lea collapsed into him, sobbing, and he could feel his own eyes tearing up too, his heart too full with too many emotions at one time, almost aching, bruising as it pounded against his ribs. It fogged his brain, wiping it clean of all coherent thought, and he could not do anything except lie there, soaking in Lea’s warmth and his tears as he kissed him. 

And the feeling returned. Like he was staring into a dark abyss, and the darkness was getting closer, and closer, and closer -- 

“You don’t have to say it back,” Lea said. “Don’t feel like you have to. I just wanted to tell you.” He kissed all over Isa’s neck, up his jawline, then landed one final, tired kiss against his lips as he rolled away, landing next to him on the bed and still cuddled safely in his arms. 

“I...love you too. Always have, always will.” He felt like an enormous weight had lifted off of his shoulders, and he relaxed against the bed, comfortable just lying here with his arms around Lea, holding him, never letting him go. All those years, telling himself he could not love Lea, that he could not feel love. But how had he written so many poems? How had he composed music? Why did it feel like everything was crumbling around him when Lea stopped looking at him, stopped spending time with him? Why had it hurt so much? 

How stupid of him to think that anyone or anything could stop him from loving Lea. There was no power in the world strong enough. 

“We should go downstairs,” Lea said, not entirely sounding like he was pleased with the idea. He poked his lower lip out in a pout, then smiled and placed one more quick kiss on Isa’s cheek before rolling away entirely. Isa reached out for him, still craving the warmth and comfort he provided, hoping that they could just stay here like this for a little while longer, maybe if Lea was up for it go for round two, but he knew that they needed to be sensible, needed to look after the kids. Besides, Lea was already tapping away on his phone, ignoring him. 

“Who are you texting?” Isa asked. 

“Roxas,” Lea replied, not looking up from the screen. 

Something about that was deeply unsettling, but Isa didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t know what all the two of them talked about when he wasn’t around, but he certainly hoped it wasn’t that. The thought stressed him. 

Finally, Lea looked up, smiling, and discarded his phone as he started to dig through his dresser for clothing. He tossed some clothes to Isa to put on, and after cleaning himself up properly, Isa got dressed, examining the bed. It was a mess, but whatever. His usual need for cleanliness was gone. 

“What were you texting Roxas about?” he asked hesitantly, dreading the answer, as he pulled on a pair of pants. 

“Just telling him to make us some coffee. My head is still killing me.” He smirked. “Why? Did you think I was telling him about this?” 

Isa felt himself relax. “I’m not really sure that you would need to, considering how loud you are.” 

Lea rolled his eyes, kissing him on the cheek again as he laced their fingers together. “I love you.” 

“I love you.” 

“Let’s go downstairs.” 

................................................................................................................................

Everyone was still there, but luckily, it seemed as if they had been tucked away in the library for the past couple of hours helping with school projects. There were papers scattered everywhere across the floor and all over the furniture, books open and placed precariously around them, some piled up and not used, others discarded. Xion sat cross-legged on the floor, balancing a book on her knee, and reading something out loud to Olette, Pence, and Kairi, while Roxas was on the couch pressed up in the middle of Sora, Hayner, and Ven. Every single one of them looked to be bored out of their mind. Namine sat at the corner of the room, idly drawing still and not looking up, almost purposefully, from what she was doing. Aqua was lying in a cozy chair, legs curled up close to her body with a cup of coffee in her hand and looking half-dead. There was no sign of Riku or Terra. 

“Good morning,” Roxas said, looking up at them as they entered the room. He smirked. “Or afternoon, I guess. Have fun last night? It looked like it.” 

Lea rolled his eyes, ruffling Roxas’s hair and shoving him playfully as he grabbed the two cups of coffee sitting on the table in front of them. “We played Twister until we were plastered, and then we went to bed.” 

“Uh-huh,” Hayner said, stretching his legs out on the couch over Sora and Roxas. “You left clothes all over the house.” 

“That was...unintentional,” Isa told them. He sat down in the chair opposite of Aqua, sipping at the weak coffee Roxas had made them, and Lea climbed on top of him, sprawling out into his lap with a smile. 

“It was intentional,” Lea said. “We just probably shouldn’t have stripped in the kitchen or nearly broken the table.” 

“Tell them what you thought was going on, Xion,” Roxas said, nudging her with his foot. Sora and Hayner laughed a little, and Xion’s head shot up from her book, eyes wide as she looked over at Isa and Lea. A slow blush crept up her neck onto her cheeks. 

“No,” she said. 

“Come on, Xion. It’s funny,” Sora urged. 

Xion sighed, defeated, as she crossed her arms over her chest and leaned against the couch. She wouldn’t even look up at them. “I...thought there was a ghost. Because of all the...moaning...and the...creaking. And I told Pence we needed to have a seance.” 

They all laughed, including Isa, though he wished that they could change subjects. Still, it was rather amusing. He knew that Lea had been loud, but he didn’t think he’d been _that_ loud. 

“Okay, enough of that,” Lea said. He must have sensed Isa’s discomfort, or even Xion’s. She looked like she was ready to die. “School starts tomorrow. You’ve got --” 

“It reminds me of this one time when Aqua and Terra --” 

“ _Ven!_ ” Aqua hissed, coming to life for the first time since they’d come into the library. She sat up so quickly that it made her dizzy, and she leaned back into the chair with a groan. “You’re not supposed to just go around telling people stuff like that --”

“Where did you disappear to last night?” Lea asked. 

“I don’t remember. I know I went to check on Ven, and then I blacked out, and...I woke up in the foyer this morning. Um, Lea?” Her tone changed, not so irritated or tired anymore. In fact, she sounded deadly serious, leaning forward in her chair with her hands wrapped around her mug and lips pressed into a thin line. It was like she was getting ready to tell them someone had died. 

“Isa, can I talk to you in a minute?” Xion asked. Not so serious, just more worried about something. 

“Yeah, can I talk to _you_ for a minute?” Roxas asked, pointing to Lea. 

“Actually, I need to talk to both of you,” Aqua said. “If that’s okay.” 

And there it was. It felt like the room had dropped ten degrees in the last few seconds, and everyone had fallen completely silent. It was like they were at a funeral. This was the impending doom that Isa had been feeling earlier, and now it was back, stronger than ever, confirming that it wasn’t just some silly, irrational fear he’d made up in his head. Something was happening.

“Okay,” Aqua said. “So who wants to go first?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't have smut without loads of angst. You guys already know the rules here. ;)  
> Also, I know I said I was done with long chapters, and I'm sorry for that. I'll do something about the length in the future.


	16. Goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > And ultimately I believe we'll be okay  
> It's so cliché to say these things, but repetition is a key  
> I think I'm better when I'm with you  
> But I worry when you're gone  
> I think I need to learn to love myself  
> I must learn to be strong  
> So for now we'll say goodbye  
> Although it pains me in my heart 
> 
> -"Ultimately" by khai dreams

Xion's problem was simple. Or, rather, it was simple compared to everything else that was starting to pile up on them. 

“I didn’t play,” she said, her words coming out quickly, her voice a dull whisper as if she was hiding some sort of ancient secret and was terrified of letting it come out. No one was around; they were perfectly alone in the hallway. Yet she kept her arms folded tightly across her chest and her head down, eyes darting around every few seconds to survey the house for eavesdroppers. “I was just watching. But it just...starts so much drama. We’re all still friends, and there’s no way some dumb game could come between all of us, but still...I got upset. I’m still upset. I don’t really know why, either. And I don’t know how to talk to Roxas about it.” 

Isa wasn’t entirely sure how he had gotten to this point. Xion used to fear him. Some days, after she’d crossed him one too many times in the castle, she would see him coming and duck her head and go the other way. Now, she trusted him enough to come to him for advice, and he had no wisdom to shed upon her. He had never been good at advice. Or talking. Feelings were hard to deal with. Even harder now. 

Lea had told him he loved him. And he had said it back. He’d meant it, of course, but it all felt so strange now, like he was living in some sort of alternate universe where he had actually succeeded in getting everything he’d ever hoped for. It just didn’t feel real. 

“Isa?” Xion asked, raising an eyebrow. “What should I do? I don’t really understand how I feel right now. I mean...I didn’t think I liked Roxas. Not like that, anyway. Not the same way Olette likes Hayner or how Riku likes Sora or how you like Lea. But now I don’t know. Because after seeing him kiss Namine...I think I feel jealous? How do you deal with that?” 

He chuckled a little. “I think you’re asking the wrong person. Jealousy...turned me into someone I hardly knew. It’s hard...seeing someone you care about being happy with someone else. You keep thinking what you could do to make them that happy to be around you, and all it does is wreck you. I know it’s hard, but you should let him know how it made you feel. And then go from there.” 

“Tell him that I’m jealous?” Xion said incredulously. “I don’t know if I can do that.” 

“I didn’t say it for years, and when I finally did, it felt like...” There was no good way to describe it. He didn’t feel forgiven or redeemed, exactly, because it didn’t excuse his poor judgment and horrific actions. He still didn’t quite feel atoned for. “It felt like a beginning. Like all of the weight was starting to lift off of me, and I wasn’t so angry anymore. You can’t hold all of that in. It just makes you bitter and vengeful. And I know that’s not you.” 

She looked up at him, brushing her hair out of her face, and managed a smile. After a few seconds, her tension started to fade, and her muscles unfurled as she threw herself at him and wrapped him in a tight hug. It was a gesture that he still hadn’t gotten quite used to -- in fact, he wasn’t sure if he would ever grow accustomed to Xion being so openly affectionate toward him -- but he let her do it, and he clapped her awkwardly on the shoulder instead of returning the hug. 

“Thanks so much!” she exclaimed. “I couldn’t sleep last night. I didn’t want to be upset because it was just a game. And I mean, I don’t own Roxas. He isn’t mine. We’re just friends. He’s allowed to do whatever he wants. But...I should talk to him. I’ll tell him it made me jealous.” 

Aqua’s problem was not quite so simple. When he returned to the library with Xion, he noticed that Lea and Aqua were not in there, and that deep, sinking feeling returned. He shouldn’t have been worried. Just because they weren’t in there didn’t mean that anything was wrong. It was okay for Lea to be out of his sight for a few minutes. It didn’t mean that anything was wrong. There was nothing wrong. Maybe she was just talking out a training schedule for them, so that he and Roxas and Xion could go to the Land of Departure and work with all of the rest of the keyblade wielders. 

He had a feeling, though, that that wasn’t quite it. He left the library and roamed through the house until he could hear their voices drifting through the air -- quiet, just like Xion had been talking to him, like there was some sort of secret they were trying to keep from everyone else -- and he followed the sounds until he found them in the kitchen, seated at the table with their cups of coffee looking completely worn down and deadly serious about something. It didn’t look right. It didn’t seem right. Lea, leaning back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest, eyes downcast, body tensed as if expecting an attack. Aqua, hunched over with her hair falling over her eyes, almost purposefully avoiding looking up at him as he entered the room and sat down in the chair next to Lea. 

“I suppose you started the talk without me,” he said, looking at Aqua. His heart was thundering loudly in his chest, almost painful. He couldn’t help himself. He reached out and took Lea’s hand in his own, squeezing it tightly, and Lea lightly brushed his lips over Isa’s knuckles, trying to smile. There was no joy, no reassurance behind it. He could feel the tension, the way Lea’s hand shook just slightly.

“Well, it was mostly a talk for Lea,” Aqua said, pursing her lips into a thin line. She looked as if she was struggling to find the right words to say. “Ventus and Terra and I have already talked about this, and Terra talked to Riku. That’s why they left this morning. I told them not to talk to anyone else yet. But...” She sighed, folding her hands in front of her. “Ventus has been having dreams lately. He says it’s like Vanitas is trying to talk to him. I thought...I thought we had defeated him, but we looked into it, and...there’s Unversed popping up in other worlds. I investigated the Dwarf Woodlands just before we came here, and it’s complete chaos there. Not to mention the Heartless running around too. There’s something going on, and we’re going to fix it before it gets too out of control.” 

Isa stared at her, not even really sure where he was supposed to begin with the questions. It all seemed like an overload, and the headache that had not entirely gone away from this morning was just intensifying the longer he sat there, trying to think of something to say. 

“I don’t understand,” he finally said. “So you’re all going to look for Vanitas and whatever is stirring up the Heartless again?” 

“We’re trying to recruit as many people as possible,” Aqua told him. “The more people we can get out there right now, the better off we’ll be in the future. We can take care of this before it gets out of hand. Riku and Terra already left, and Sora, Ventus, Kairi, and I aren’t far behind them. I just wanted to fill you in on what was going on, and...see if there was any way that we could get some help.” 

Of course, Isa wanted to say no. He hadn’t been able to truly rest since his days in Radiant Garden, and even in lazy, sleepy, uneventful Twilight Town, his life had not seemed to slow down. He’d been back for less than a month, and he was still getting readjusted to having a heart and dealing with emotions and trying to rekindle all of the relationships he’d destroyed in his selfish, jealous rampage. It was unfair, and he wanted to say as much, but it would sound childish. Of course they didn’t get to rest. Of course life was going to keep throwing things at them until they were completely broken and unable to put themselves back together. Because why wouldn’t it? Why should they be allowed to heal? 

He hadn’t touched his claymore since the Keyblade Graveyard. In fact, he hadn’t planned on getting back into training anytime soon at all. Because he thought they had time. 

Clearly, he was wrong. 

He jerked his hand away from Lea and ran it over his face with a heavy sigh. “So should we stop them from working on their school projects, since that seems like a waste of time now?” 

“No, because they’re not going,” Lea told him. His voice was stern, far too serious for Isa’s liking. He leaned forward, palms pressed firmly on the table, eyes boring straight into Isa’s with a nearly lethal air of dominance. “And neither are you.” 

Isa sucked in a shaky breath, feeling suddenly very cold and heavy as the weight of Lea’s words started to bore down on him. He went through several emotions in a span of a few seconds -- confusion, shock, rage, sadness, denial, frustration, hopelessness, more confusion, then back to an anger that burned white hot inside of him as he narrowed his eyes, glaring at Lea, and clenched his fists underneath the table. His nails sunk into his skin, and he was sure he drew blood, but he didn’t care. 

“But _you’re_ going?” he asked, trying to keep his voice even, but it came out in a low, sinister hiss. 

Lea was unshaken by his fury. In fact, it was almost as if he expected it. And he should have. Why would Isa not be mad about this? Still, Lea met his gaze, unwavering, and nodded. 

The storm that was taking over inside of Isa’s mind was almost too much to bear. He bit down on his tongue, hoping that focusing on some other pain would make him calm down from this just a little bit, but it only served to make him angrier. 

Less than an hour ago, Lea had told him he loved him. That he had always loved him. That he would love him for the rest of their days. And now he was trying to leave. 

“So if you’ve made up your mind that you’re going, then I suppose that means I’m going too,” he said. “Roxas and Xion as well.” 

“No,” Lea said simply. “Absolutely not.” 

He was not used to Lea being so authoritative with him. It threw him off a little, but he was still so furious he knew that there was nothing that could get him to back down from this fight. “Have you completely gone out of your mind? All of us are capable of fighting --” 

“I’m willing to do this. I need the experience if I’m ever going to be a Keyblade Master. And since I’m a guardian of light now -- ” 

Isa rolled his eyes. The fucking guardians of light. As if any of that even mattered anymore. It was a bullshit title that was only worthy of mention because Xehanort needed them to reenact a war for him. Like little toy soldiers. 

“I can fight, and Roxas and Xion can fight --” 

“You don’t have a keyblade.” 

“Why the hell would I need a keyblade? Last I checked, I’ve still managed to take out Heartless without one.” 

Aqua got up from her chair, shuffling nervously as she backed toward the door. “I should let the two of you discuss this --” 

Isa barely even noticed her leave. He got up from where he was seated as well, needing to walk, needing to do something to let go of some of the anger that was taking over him. He needed to be careful. Rage was what fueled the monster most of the time, and if he let himself get out of control, he was going to end up ripping the entire fucking house from its foundations. 

“Isa, would you listen to me? I don’t think I’m being unreasonable here,” Lea said. His voice was calm, trying to deescalate the situation, but the fact that he was being so calm seemed to make it that much worse. “Roxas and Xion are starting school tomorrow. I’m not gonna take that away from them. It’s not fair --” 

“What part of this is fair?” Isa shouted, rounding on him again, slamming his hands into table so violently that Lea actually startled a bit. “None of it. I have been miserable for the past ten fucking years, and the second we all get some rest from all of the complete bullshit that Xehanort put us through, you’re trying to rush off and leave us here while you save the worlds.” 

Lea dropped his gaze, staring down at his hands folded in his lap. “I’m trying to do the right thing, Isa. I’ve always been standing in the gray, not really sure where my morals stand, and I’m trying to do something good for once.” 

“And Roxas and Xion? What about them? You’re okay just leaving them here while you run off with your other friends and fight?” 

“I’m trying to do the right thing,” Lea repeated through gritted teeth. “Roxas and Xion have not ever had the opportunity to experience what being an actual teenager is like. They should get to have that. They should get to go to school and go to parties and complain about homework and hang out with their friends. Because in case you forgot, we were kind of robbed of that opportunity when we were forced into some bullshit Organization and lied to and brainwashed until we couldn’t think for ourselves. So yeah, excuse me for trying to give them a life free of all the trauma they had to experience. I thought I was doing something good --” 

“No, you’re being selfish. And reckless. And...and --” He could hardly even breathe at the moment. He turned away again, pacing the room, burying his face in his hands and forcing air into his lungs. It was painful, almost like sandpaper rubbing against him. 

When he was finally able to catch his breath and get his thoughts under control, he turned back to Lea. Looking at him right now made him unbelievably angry, but he pressed on, trying to remain calm, to rationalize. “We’re coming with you. That’s how it works now. You must know that Roxas and Xion aren’t going to go back to school knowing that you’re out there fighting and not knowing when they’re going to see you again. Or _if_ they’re going to see you again.” 

“They’re going to see me again,” Lea said evenly. “ _You_ are going to see me again. All I’m saying is that maybe we should just give them some time to establish a normal life for just a little while. Then maybe, if we need help, then you guys can come along. But...you understand why I’m suggesting this. Right? Roxas and Xion have been happy staying here and getting to play video games with their friends and go to the beach on the weekends. They should be allowed to have that.” 

“Fine. I understand that. So then you’re not going.” 

Lea let out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. He was silent for a long moment, clearly not prepared for the argument to take a U-turn so quickly. “That’s...not an option right now.” 

“Why?” Isa crossed his arms over his chest, seething. He couldn’t believe this. Of course he had his concerns about Roxas and Xion, and of course he was mostly worried about Lea’s safety, but there was this itching feeling buried deep inside of him, clawing its way to the surface. A selfish need, one that he wouldn’t dare speak out loud, no matter how angry he got. Because then he was the bad guy, and he was tired of being the bad guy. He could not beg for Lea to say he needed him, that he would miss him. He couldn’t just ask him why he would sit there and say he loved him and then turn around and do this. Why he was always doing shit like this, giving Isa false hope, then running off and leaving him alone. 

He was always alone. 

“Because, Isa,” Lea said, as if that was any fucking reason at all. It took every bit of restraint that Isa had not to storm out of the room right then. 

“Because?” he growled. “Because what? What are you trying to prove? And who are you trying to prove it to?” 

“I’m not trying to prove anything.” Slowly, he rose from his chair and started to move toward Isa, arms outstretched, wanting to touch him, and as badly as Isa wanted to just fall into his arms and pretend that everything was okay, he knew it wasn’t. He took a step out of his reach, and Lea stopped. There was a wall rising up between the two of them; Isa could feel it, and he was willing to let it rise. He wasn’t going to take any leaps and bounds toward Lea anymore. Why should he? 

“I’m not gonna be gone long,” Lea said, his voice dropping to barely above a whisper. “Please, Isa. I’m not asking for your permission to go, because my mind’s already made up, and I’m going. All I’m asking is that you understand why I don’t want the three of you to go with me.” 

“I _don’t_ understand. I’m telling you that we _are_ going, and I’m sure Roxas and Xion would see it the same way. Wherever you go, we go too. And if you can’t understand that, that you have a family now, then I don’t know how to explain it to you.” 

It felt strange. It was the first time he had referred to their messed up living arrangement as a family situation, but he knew that’s what it was. It wasn’t the family he had always dreamed that he and Lea would have in the past, but somehow, it worked out to be better than what he had expected. 

“Aqua and Sora and Kairi and everyone else are my family too,” Lea said. “And I know that the second I tell Roxas and Xion, they’re gonna try to come too, but if I can just have your support on this, then --” 

“You don’t have my support.” 

Lea sighed, leaning up against the kitchen counter, his body sagging slightly. All of the fight was starting to leave him, and Isa couldn’t help but feel good about it, because maybe he had won. Maybe they could just keep living their perfectly normal life and pretend that everything was okay until the fight came to them. Didn’t they all deserve it, after all they’d been through? 

“Isa, I have a responsibility now. That’s why I have to go, and you have to stay here --” 

“Thank you, for letting me know how truly worthless I am.” 

Lea pressed his hands to his temples and made a noise like he was getting ready to scream. “Why are you twisting my words around? You know I didn’t even mean that. I don’t even know where you got that --” 

“It’s your whole guardian of light superiority complex bullshit! You get to run off to wherever the hell you feel like. Meanwhile, Roxas and Xion and I get to sit here twiddling our thumbs hoping that maybe you’ll give us a call or maybe you’ll come home. Do you really think that little of them, of me --” 

“That’s your whole problem, Isa! You are always wallowing in your own fucking self-pity, and I’m sick of it! You were fucking miserable, and you made me fucking miserable, and the second I started to feel even a hint of happiness, you made me feel like shit because oh, you’re so pitiful and fucking sad, and why should I ever have a life outside of you. Now I remember why I hated being around you in the first place.” 

Isa backed away from him, putting even more distance between them. He wasn’t sure how they had devolved to this, how they were digging up past crimes again, but he hated it, because that was a losing game for him. He knew, somewhere deep inside of him, that Lea didn’t really mean anything that he was saying, that he was just mad, that he would never try to kick Isa while he was down, but still, it stung. Bad. He hated crying, and he hated that Lea was making him cry, and he hated that Lea was already crying too, and there was nothing either of them could do about it. The damage had already been done. 

He gritted his teeth and wiped away the tears before they could escape from his eyes. “Well, if you hate being around me so much, then maybe we should just call this quits.” 

One day. They had made it one whole day. It was stupid of him to think that they could ever just fall back in love and get their old lives back. 

“Isa, I’m sorry,” Lea said, defeated. He started walking toward him again, closing the distance rapidly, and the second his hand touched Isa’s face, he recoiled, pushing him away. “Isa...” Tears continued to spill down his cheeks. He was pleading now, desperate. “I didn’t mean any of that. I got upset, and I shouldn’t have said that. I know you’re having a hard time, but this is something that I have to do.” 

“Why? Why do you have to do it? Because you still feel like you have to atone for something?” His voice was completely shattered. He wasn’t even sure how he was getting words out. 

Lea sucked in a shaky breath. “Yes. But...this is how it is now. I kind of accepted this responsibility when I decided I was gonna start training. So now...I have to do it. Roxas and Xion have keyblades, but they haven’t been asked to do anything. And until they are, please, please let them have a normal life. Let me do what I need to do, and I swear to you I’ll come back home, and I’ll never leave the three of you again.” 

He came toward Isa again, slowly, cautiously, and took one of his hands, squeezing it gently. This time, Isa did not pull away. He let Lea wrap his other arm around his waist and draw him in, and he didn’t fight back when he kissed him. There was no fight left. He knew he had lost, because Lea was being reasonable. Now, he just felt numb. He could feel himself slipping over the edge, back into the dark, bottomless pit of despair he had just managed to crawl his way out of. 

“I just want them to have a chance at a normal life,” Lea said. “And I can’t just say no, that none of us are going, because that’s not fair. We all deserve a normal life, and making Aqua and everyone else do all of the icky stuff just...isn’t right.” 

Isa didn’t say anything. He knew that Lea was right, and it was only fair to offer up his services. He just never thought of Lea as being the noble warrior type. He’d always been so chaotic and unpredictable with ever-changing moods and ideas. But he understood, now. Or, he thought he did. 

Still, it wounded him deeply, and it was hard not to let his wildly pessimistic thoughts get the better of him. Lea had already died once fighting with them. How was he sure that he wouldn’t die again? And how was there any guarantee he’d be back this time? 

He supposed that’s what those stupid, foolhardy guardians of light did. Always sacrificing themselves for others, doing all of the tough work to keep the light and the dark in balance so everyone else didn’t have to. 

“Please tell me that I have your support on this before I go tell Roxas and Xion,” Lea said. “I need it.” 

Isa bit down on his lip, and slowly, he nodded. He supposed that was what it was going to be like from now on. The second they stepped into the lab in Radiant Garden, their lives were forever changed. They would have to be in this constant battle, no matter how unfair it seemed. 

Well, he supposed that if he walked away right now, he could probably get away with having a normal life with no keyblade wielders driving him completely insane. But he couldn’t walk away. 

“I love you,” Lea said, pulling Isa in for another kiss, and, with a slight chuckle, added, “Got it memorized?” 

Isa rolled his eyes. Of course he had it drilled into his memory. And he knew that it was _because_ Lea loved him and Roxas and Xion that he was trying to do a good thing and leave them out of this. It didn’t make things much easier, though. In fact, loving him was just making it that much worse to let go. 

“I love you too.”

* * *

Unsurprisingly, Roxas and Xion took the news really hard. They fought and screamed and protested, and Isa was almost certain that Xion was coming completely undone, letting her sweet, innocent personality fall away to reveal a harsh and bitter teenager with a severe attitude problem. Surprisingly, Roxas -- who had never been shy about showing his rage -- was the one to defuse the situation, pulling Xion into a hug and calming her down with soft, soothing words that seemed strange coming out of his mouth. He was the first of the two of them to accept Lea’s leaving, and he barely even cried. The fact that he was holding it together so well helped Xion a lot, and eventually, they were all okay. 

Well, okay might not have been the right word. Isa was not okay, and he doubted that Roxas and Xion were either, but they were understanding. They had reached a stalemate, and none of them were willing to argue the point any further. Isa would not admit it to them -- and he would barely admit it to himself -- but he was afraid of fighting. And tired of it. Today had been such a roller coaster of emotions, carrying him to the topmost point of total bliss and then plunging him, with barely any warning, back into the cold, icy grip of sadness. 

Mostly, though, he was afraid for Lea. He’d seen the way he’d been behaving lately. Going through trauma and living to tell the tale had ways of messing with a person, and he had no doubt that Lea was still deeply troubled, no matter how much he tried to brush it off and pretend to be fine. He’d seen the way he’d put himself into dangerous situations, even going so far as to beg Isa to hurt him. And all because he felt like he had something to prove. He wondered if that had anything to do with Lea agreeing to go on this excursion, if he knew that it was going to be dangerous and wanted to try his chances with death once more. 

Or maybe he really was just trying to fulfill his duty and atone for all of his past crimes. Isa was not going to push him. They had pushed enough buttons today. All he could do now was trust him to know what he was doing and to make it back safely to them. 

“Only like, a month max, right?” Roxas asked. “And then if you aren’t back by then, we have permission to come find you, right?” 

“Yes, but it won’t even be that long,” Lea said, ruffling Roxas’s hair. “This is gonna be an easy fix. I’ll be back...next week, probably.” 

Isa thought that might be too optimistic, but he didn’t say anything. He still felt hollow, just as if he was reliving that day all over again, the day he’d lost his heart and become some sort of shadow of his former self. He hated the feeling, how cold and empty it left him, and he knew it was because of Lea. Lea had his whole heart, every single bit of it, and whenever he left, he was going to be carrying his heart with him. 

“I’m not leaving until tomorrow morning,” Lea said. “We still gotta have ice cream on the clock tower and watch the sunset. And plus, I’d never miss seeing you off to your first day of school. I have to get pictures.” 

That seemed to cheer Roxas and Xion up a little, but not by much. Isa didn’t let the promises fool him. They’d all been ripped away from Lea far too many times in the past. Isa knew better than anyone what it was like. Even without a heart, he knew the sorrow and the grief and the pain all too well. But this? This was torture. 

School projects got finished just in time to make it to the clock tower right before sunset. Isa went and bought the ice cream and distributed it to each of the six others, then took his usual spot next to Lea and stared off into the distance as the sun dipped below the horizon. 

He did not have an appetite, and he let his ice cream melt without touching any of it. At least the others were trying to pretend like they were okay. But he couldn’t. It took too much strength, strength he didn’t have. Fear settled deep into his stomach like a heavy stone. He felt like he was drowning. 

The sunset always seemed so nice from where they sat up here, the most perfect transition from the warm brilliance of the day to the cool beauty of the night. He usually felt more at peace at night, when the moon rose up high in the sky, bathing the world in its glorious, pale light. It usually made him feel a little bit more comfortable in his body, a little more comfortable with everything in his life. 

Tonight, he felt awful, completely drained and on the verge of a breakdown. Hayner, Pence, and Olette left before the rest of them did, hugging Lea and saying their goodbyes in case they didn’t make it to the house in the morning. And Isa sat, paralyzed, unable to even think straight while they remained on the clock tower in the most uncomfortable silence he’d ever experienced. He could not shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong. 

But he trusted Lea. And he hoped that he would not run headfirst into danger without thinking of the ones waiting at home for him first. 

The whole house felt cold and sad, like it too could feel the impending loss of the warmest, brightest ray of light that resided within. They watched a movie, but none of them seemed particularly into it, and when it was over, Isa made Xion and Roxas go to bed. After all, they had school the next morning, and he wanted to make sure that they got their full eight hours of rest. 

When he curled up in bed with Lea, he really just wanted to go to sleep, so that maybe when he woke up the next morning he could find that it was all just a horrible, horrible nightmare. He had just gotten Lea back. How cruel of the Fates to just snatch him away like that again. As if they hadn’t already gone through enough together. 

“Isa?” 

“Hmm?” 

Lea rolled over to face him, cupping his face in his hands. He was almost certain that he was crying again. “I know you’re upset and mad, but it’s all gonna be okay. I’m gonna be fine. I’ll come back to you in no time. I promise.” 

It didn’t sound promising, but Isa nodded, and Lea placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, then started a trail down his face until he landed on his lips. It was soft at first, just the ghost of a kiss, but it slowly grew to be more passionate, more desperate.

“Isa?” It was nearly a whimper against his lips. 

“Yes?” 

“Make love to me.” The voice didn’t even sound like Lea’s. It was quiet and hollow and desperate and completely and utterly broken, and it tore away at the stone wall that Isa had been trying to build around his heart all afternoon, making his body shudder with a barely suppressed sob. 

He did make love to him, slow and gentle and tragic, and Lea cried even more than he did that morning. 

Isa would have liked to think that it was beautiful and powerful and meaningful, but when they were finished and he collapsed next to Lea on the bed, pulling him into his arms and holding him just a little bit tighter than was probably necessary, all he could think was that this was just another goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh sorry about this. 


	17. No Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > No light, no light in your bright blue eyes  
> I never knew daylight could be so violent  
> A revelation in the light of day  
> You can't choose what stays and what fades away  
> And I'd do anything to make you stay  
> No light, no light  
> (No light)  
> Tell me what you want me to say 
> 
> -"No Light, No Light" by Florence + the Machine

“Okay, have you got all your books?” 

“Check.”

“Notebooks?” 

“Check.” 

“Pencils and pens?” 

“Check.” 

“Folder with your project to turn in?” 

“Uh...check!” 

“Good. And I packed lunches for both of you. They’re in the refrigerator.” 

Xion finished zipping up her bag and grinned as she hugged Isa. “Thank you so much! You’re the best. I’m so, so nervous.” 

“Hey!” Roxas exclaimed, digging through his lunch bag. “This is all healthy stuff. I don’t want this.” 

Xion giggled, and Isa rolled his eyes and smiled, ignoring him. “Don’t be nervous. Everything is going to fine. You already have friends there waiting for you, and if anything gets tough, then they can help you out.” 

“Still! I’m really nervous. Aren’t you nervous, Roxas?” 

“No,” Roxas said, his mouth already stuffed with food from his lunch. “Just kinda mad we have to do this instead of beating up Heartless. This all seems kinda pointless when you think about it. I mean, who needs physics and literature when the worlds are out there falling to darkness?” 

He made a good point, and Isa agreed with him wholeheartedly, but he was not going to push the subject any further. He and Lea had had another fight as soon as they woke up this morning, and it ended with even more tears and Lea begging him to just give Xion and Roxas a chance to live outside of the battle, and he had been forced to agree, because Lea made good points too. 

It was just an unfair situation, overall. 

“Okay,” he said. “Come on. Lea should be down any second.” 

He hated the role that he was having to play. Well, not entirely. He was okay with being Roxas’s and Xion’s responsible guardian, but he just didn’t like that he was having to do it all alone, and so soon after he started living with them. He knew that, despite the good-natured banter that he and Roxas shared on a daily basis, Roxas still held just a little bit of resentment inside toward him, and Roxas and Xion both were still plagued with nightmares that he had no idea what to do with because he was suffering from his own. 

Perhaps he should be the one to go. He wasn’t a guardian of light, and he didn’t have a keyblade, but Roxas and Xion would certainly be happier if Lea was the one that was staying. After all, he was their best friend. He was more liked, more trusted, more fun. They wouldn't be missing Isa too much if he was gone for a whole month or a whole year, even. Lea leaving, though. That was hurting them, whether they wanted to admit it or not.

He thought, though, if he suggested the roles be reversed, that it would just lead to another fight, and he was so sick to death of fighting about every little thing. They used to not be like this in Radiant Garden. They used to hardly fight at all.

"There you guys are!" Lea exclaimed as he came down the stairs to where they were all waiting in the foyer. He had a bag slung over his shoulder, and Isa noticed how heavy it looked. Far more stuff than one would need for a week's trip. "You both look great. You're gonna knock 'em all dead today."

"I don't want to kill people," Xion said.

"It's just a phrase -- never mind. You excited?" He ruffled her hair and then threw his arm around Roxas and pulled him into a side hug.

Isa noticed that he seemed to be purposefully avoiding his gaze. That was great. He wasn't sure if it was because he was afraid they would fight again or if he was afraid one of them would start crying. Either way, it irritated him, and he crossed his arms over his chest and stepped away from them, running over possible scenarios in his head so he could be prepared. He really had no idea what he was going to say, and anything he said might just be pulling the pin on the grenade and starting another explosion.

"Yeah!" Xion exclaimed. "Olette told me there's usually a back to school party the weekend after school starts, and I'm so excited to meet everyone. But I'm also afraid they won't like me."

"Who cares about all that?" Roxas said. "We should be going with you to fight Heartless and kick Vanitas's ass."

"You need a break from all that. Just go to school and learn some cool stuff, and then next weekend when I get back, we can all go camping or something. Sound good?"

"Ooh, can we go camping on the beach?" Xion asked.

"Sounds fun," Lea said. "It's a plan then."

Xion poked her lower lip out and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. "We're gonna miss you so much!"

"You have Isa here to take care of you." He still didn't look up at him. He was probably still mad. They were going to leave on a bad note.

"Yeah, but he's gonna make us eat healthy every day," Roxas said, wrinkling his nose.

"That's not always a bad thing. Just do what he says and be nice to him. I'll be back before you know it."

"Promise to video call every day?" Roxas asked.

"Every chance I get."

That seemed satisfactory to both of them. Not Isa, though. Nothing would ever be good enough besides having him here. Safe. Alive. He didn't say anything. He was still mad and growing angrier with each passing second that he was denied the attention he so desperately craved.

"You gonna let me take some pictures before you guys leave?" Lea asked.

Roxas rolled his eyes, groaning. "Are we five? You're acting like this is such a big deal --"

"It _is_ a big deal! It’s your first day of school! Let me be a cheesy mom and take your picture, damn it.” He already had his phone out and was directing Xion and Roxas to where he wanted them to stand and how he wanted them to pose, and it was a nightmare that the two teenagers took with laughter and exaggerated protests, but they were secretly loving the attention. All it did for Isa was remind him of his very first day of school, when Lea’s mom wouldn’t stop taking pictures of the two of them, and she cried and hugged them and planted wet, sloppy kisses all over their faces, and it was just wildly uncomfortable and humiliating. 

Lea was not crying, and he wasn’t kissing anyone yet, but he was only one step away from becoming his mother, which was weird to think about. Isa wasn’t entirely sure how they had gotten to this point, turning into the people they swore they never wanted to be like. He supposed it happened when they decided to unofficially adopt two teenagers. And their three friends. And every other stray that Lea decided to pick up. 

Did that mean he was his father? Harsh, authoritative, selfish, making everyone else in the room squirm with discomfort and fear? 

He wished Lea would stay. He wasn’t prepared for this role. 

“Isa, do you wanna come get a picture with them? And then you can take a picture of the three of us. And then we’ll all take a picture together.” 

Lea was finally looking at him, but it was like he was looking right through him, staring at the wall behind him like he was some sort of apparition, and he certainly felt like one. There was some sort of emotion hiding just below the surface, behind all of the happiness and smiles. Anger? Sadness? Isa couldn’t quite tell which. He did as he was told, posing for pictures and snapping pictures, and when he looked at the end results, he couldn’t help but think that they all looked completely dead inside, despite the smiles. 

“Okay, we have to go or we’re gonna be late,” Xion said as she and Roxas hugged Lea one last time. 

“We’ll all do a video call tonight,” Roxas added. “And we’ll tell you all about our boring classes, and you can tell us all about all the fun you’re having.” He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest. “Seriously, why are you not letting us come with you? It would be so much better that way. We want to see other worlds.” 

“Next time, okay?” Lea said. “Promise. Just try to enjoy yourselves. Have fun, study hard, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” 

Roxas raised an eyebrow. “So...we shouldn’t study?” 

“Ha. Ha. I’ll see you guys later.” 

“Bye, best friend!” Roxas and Xion exclaimed together, waving as they went out the door. That was sort of their thing with Lea. They didn’t even look in Isa’s direction. 

But that was okay. That didn’t mean that this time alone with them was going to go horribly wrong. There was a lot happening right now. It was probably hard for them to focus on too many things at once. 

“So what are you guys gonna do tonight?” Lea asked, once the door had snapped shut. He occupied himself by readjusting and smoothing out his clothes, though he looked unrealistically flawless. Basically any excuse not to look up at Isa. 

“I’m not sure. We’ll probably skip the clock tower since it won’t feel right without you there.” He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m sure they’ll bring their friends over, do their homework. I’ll cook them dinner, we’ll watch a movie, and then we’ll go to bed. Or maybe we’ll go to some other world and do some exploring of our own.”

Lea’s head snapped up at that, his eyes wide. It felt strange, seeing him so bothered by someone trying to break the rules. Even stranger was Isa trying so hard to break the rules laid down for him. He had to admit, though, it felt nice. Enthralling, even. His first real taste of liberty and rebellion in years. 

“You’re gonna leave Twilight Town while the Heartless situation is out of control?” Lea asked. “When this is really one of the only safe places out there? When they haven’t been training at all since we got here?” 

“Neither have you! And yet you’re running headfirst into a fight you don’t even know anything about!” 

“That’s not much different than any of the bullshit you made us do in the Organization!” Lea exclaimed. 

And there it was, the start of a storm raging over a hopeless and violent battle. He had pushed the wrong button. Lea had been bringing up his past crimes a lot whenever they fought, and it was really starting to get under his skin. As if he didn't hate himself enough already.

"You know, you tell me all the time that you've forgiven me, but it seems like you still have a lot of pent-up aggression toward me, and I'm tired of it," Isa said. "So you should just go ahead and get it all out right now, or else we're going to be stuck in this endless cycle until the day we die."

Something about what he said shook Lea out of the haze of fury that shrouded him, and he softened, blinking as if he'd just been woken from a deep sleep. "I _have_ forgiven you. I'm sorry. I don't know where all that comes from."

"It comes from the fact that you're still mad at me and just don't want to admit it." He sighed. They were going around and around in circles, and it was exhausting. "We used to not fight, you know. Back in Radiant Garden. No more than a minor disagreement, at best. You used to like being around me."

"And I still do! Isa --"

“Tell me what you’re really thinking.” 

He blew out a breath and ran a hand over his face. His breathing had picked up, coming in short, struggling gasps. “I...you’re --” It was the beginning of a panic attack. Isa recognized it all too well because it still happened to him, in the dead of night, or even when he was surrounded by friends. He didn’t have to think twice about running to Lea’s side and wrapping his arms around him, holding him close as his body quivered and he pulled in quick, stuttered breaths. 

All of the anger sort of melted away. Sometimes it was easy to forget that he was not the only one suffering. 

“You’re really stubborn, and you think you’re always right about everything,” Lea said. His voice sounded thick, like it was a difficult feat to even get words out. “And...I didn’t feel...I couldn’t --” 

“Stop. You don’t have to say anything else.” 

Lea swallowed hard and turned his head to bury his face in Isa’s chest. He wasn’t crying much, but the few tears that did fall soaked through Isa’s clothes, and Isa closed his eyes, resting his chin on top of Lea’s head as he rubbed gentle circles across the small of his back. He seemed to be calming down now. 

“You understand why I don’t want you guys to go, right?” Lea asked. “I lost Xion once, and we all forgot about her. I’m still not entirely sure how she’s back now. I did everything I could to get Roxas back, and I couldn’t do it. And I...I was never sure if I was ever gonna see you again. I mean the real you. Not the Xehanort you with the yellow eyes. I’m just afraid that if something happens, that’ll be it, and we won’t get another chance. I lost you all once, and I don’t want to do it again.” 

“Okay, but we lost you too,” Isa said. “And do you think it’s fair to make us sit here worrying about you while you’re gone? We should all be together.” 

Lea groaned, pulling away from Isa’s arms, and ran a hand through his hair. “Can we compromise?” 

“That entirely depends on what the criteria are.”

“Give me five days to get this done. And if I’m not back, then come find me. We’ll go together.” 

Isa rolled his eyes, wanting to argue again, but instead he nodded. Five days wasn’t a long time. He had gone longer without Lea before. And surely, with everyone else around, nothing terrible could go on. The situation might not even be that bad. Five days might be all that they needed. 

“Five days,” he said. “No more.” 

“Good. I’m glad we settled that then.” 

Isa cleared his throat and shuffled his feet nervously, unsure of what to say next. He was never all that great at goodbyes. Besides, he wasn’t entirely satisfied with the way things had ended up here. Lea was right; he was stubborn, and he always thought he was right, and he absolutely hated when he didn’t get his way. 

“I’m glad I’m not leaving with you mad at me,” Lea said, breaking the tense, uncomfortable silence that hung heavy between them. “Yesterday, when you said we should call it quits --” 

“I didn’t mean that.” 

“I know.” He shrugged. “I was just worried, is all. Do you think we’re moving too fast or we’re doing something wrong?” 

“I think the only wrong thing we did was leave each other’s side to begin with. We’re...relearning and falling back in love --” 

“I never fell out of love.” 

Isa smiled a little. “Neither did I.” 

Lea returned the smile, then looked down at the floor, shuffling his feet as he readjusted the bag on his shoulder. “I should be going.” 

Isa nodded, placing his hands on Lea’s shoulders and looking him over from head to toe. He was so unrealistically beautiful, and he still wasn’t even sure how he had ended up being good enough for him. He let his hands trail down Lea’s arms, admiring how toned and muscular he still was, even though they had been doing nothing but lounging around for weeks. 

“I’ll miss you,” he said. 

“You’ll barely notice I’m gone.”

“That’s not true.” He took Lea’s hands in his own, intertwining their fingers, and brought them up to his lips, kissing over each knuckle. 

Five days. He could do it. He just didn’t want to. He remembered the first few days after Lea stopped visiting his room in the castle late at night, how unbelievably hollow he had felt in the morning waking up to an empty bed, no arms draped over his chest, no drool on his skin, no light snoring, no red hair tickling his face. It had been painful. And now that he had his regular routine back, it was just being snatched away. 

He wasn’t sure if he believed in any gods or Fates or any other sort of mystical beings outside of light and darkness that had a hand in determining the events of a person’s life, but he did want to know what sort of forces of nature, of science, of the universe, whatever was giving him the shittiest luck out of anyone he’d ever known. 

“I love you,” Lea said, and looking into his eyes, there was absolutely no doubt in the truth of his words. Lea said a lot of stupid stuff, and there were times when he lied, but there was really no reason for Isa to ever question that Lea was doing this out of anything besides love. 

“I love you too. Be careful. Please don’t do anything stupid or reckless. And call us when you get the chance.” 

“When you say stupid or reckless --” 

“I mean that just because you _can_ tackle Heartless doesn’t mean you should, and just because you can probably set a whole forest on fire and take out a legion of enemies doesn’t mean you should do that either. I trust that you know the difference between stupidity and bravery.” 

“There’s a thin line between them, and I walk it every day,” Lea said with a grin. “We all do. Except you. You should know by now that you’re the only one with a brain cell in this family.” 

Isa raised an eyebrow. “I’m letting you borrow it then, and I hope you’ll return it completely functional.” 

Lea grinned. “Of course. I love you! I’ll call you tonight.” He kissed him briefly and then jerked away as if he was suddenly in a big hurry, but Isa took his hand and pulled him back, and Lea dropped his bag, wrapping his arms around Isa’s neck as he pressed a slow, lingering kiss to his lips. 

Isa didn’t want him to leave, and maybe it was just another flaw of his, but going an entire day even without Lea’s constant affections seemed like an unfair punishment. He intended to keep him here as long as he could. 

He wrapped his arms around Lea’s waist, drawing him closer, so close that there was hardly any room for movement between them. Lea fit so perfectly against him. They had done a lot of growing and changing, but he was so perfectly complementary to him, like the missing piece of a puzzle he’d been searching for his entire life, the piece that made him whole, that made the rest of the picture make sense. He’d even go as far as to say they were built for one another. 

“I should...I should go,” Lea said, but his voice felt far away, as if he was talking in his sleep, not really knowing what he was saying. 

“Five more minutes,” Isa said, pushing Lea into the wall as he plunged his tongue back into his mouth. Lea groaned around him, the most beautifully pleasant sound, as his hands twisted into Isa’s hair, tugging gently, and Isa pushed Lea’s shirt up and out of the way of his roaming fingers, gliding lightly over the soft skin of his belly. 

"Isa," Lea whined, but he still made no effort to try to get away as Isa trailed kisses down his neck and stopped, nipping at a spot just above his collarbone. Lea moaned, his hips rolling just slightly to meet Isa's, and he sighed as his head lolled backward against the wall and Isa kissed him again, softly this time, savoring the ever-present taste of sugar that seemed to linger on his lips. "You're killing me, you know."

"I'll let you go," Isa said, "because I'm responsible. Five days isn't that long." He punctuated each statement with a kiss, then pulled away, much to Lea's displeasure. He smiled. "What? Tell me what you want."

"I want you," Lea said, grabbing his shirt and pulling him in for another kiss. "But I should go. I'll call tonight. And I'll see you in a few days."

"Okay." It wasn't, but he had no strength left in him to argue. He already felt the cold settling in from Lea's absence.

"See you, Isa."

"See you, Lea."

Lea's eyes snapped up to meet Isa's as he picked up his bag and, realizing what they had done, gave him a reassuring smile. "Seriously. I'll be back. I love you."

"Love you--"

Lea was already on the phone with someone, probably Aqua or Terra, trying to figure out where he needed to go. He waved over his shoulder as he walked out the door, and Isa could only watch as he felt his heart sinking into his stomach.

Lea was official now. He had a higher purpose. And Isa? He wasn't really sure what he was supposed to do. He was too close to the darkness to fight for the light, and he certainly didn't want to return to the darkness from whence he came.

He would just have to settle for the middle for now, and that was here in sleepy, lazy Twilight Town.

* * *

Lea told him that he would call that night, but he couldn't help checking his phone every few minutes to make sure he hadn't missed anything. He scrolled through Kingstagram, halfway hoping that someone was posting updates even though he hated that stupid app, but all he saw was updates from Roxas, Pence, and Hayner, who seemed to be shitposting (that's what Lea had called it) instead of doing their work.

The house was quiet. Too quiet for his liking. Normally, he wouldn't complain about having too much peace, but he had grown accustomed to the sound of skateboard wheels rolling over the floor or loud music blaring from someone's room at all hours. Now, it just felt empty and lonely.

He read, mostly. Whatever he could find that caught his interest in the library. There wasn't much. It was all a bunch of stuff that Ansem had picked out, which would have probably interested him if he wasn't so on edge. There were art books that were probably left there for Namine and a few fiction books that might have been picked out for some of the teenagers to read if they got some down time. He wasn't sure who had put them here, though. Certainly not Ansem. He'd been told that the man wasn't all that great with children.

Neither was he. That's why, as the silent hours crept by, he grew more and more anxious to hear from Lea. He had no idea what he was supposed to do to keep them entertained while he was gone.

When he grew bored with reading, he turned on one of those nature documentaries that Lea had somehow found time to watch, and he discovered that the mating rituals of arctic birds were not all that interesting to him. That, and it just made him miss Lea.

He wanted to call him. But that seemed clingy and desperate, and he was really trying not to be that way anymore. It had been a flaw of his that really only served to make him angry and push everyone around him away. Still, as long as no one knew that he was checking his phone every five minutes, it didn't do any harm...

There was an update from Kairi now. She was headed to Agrabah, it looked like, but there was no indication that there was anyone with her. 

Thankfully, before he could drive himself crazy with too much worry, the front door opened, and he heard the sound of frantic footsteps and Xion calling out his name excitedly. He didn’t respond, but rose to meet them in the foyer, where they had already thrown off their shoes and their bags and made a total mess of school supplies all over the floor. 

“Isa!” Xion exclaimed. “We had the best day ever! Our teachers are so nice! I don’t have a grade on my school project yet, but she looked at the first page and said that it looked ‘interesting and promising.’ And all of our classmates are so cool! Olette introduced me to some of her friends, and they invited me to a sleepover this weekend. And we got this book to read in our literature class! Well, it’s really a play...anyway! It’s all about love and death and betrayal, and it’s really interesting! And...oh! I’m gonna be taking violin lessons three times a week. And I learned that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, and...oh, we saw a dog on the way home! It was so cute! I think it was homeless. Could we keep it, Saïx?” 

She caught it before she even finished speaking, and she inhaled sharply, eyes widening as she shuffled nervously in place. Roxas stared at her, then looked up expectantly at Isa, as if he already knew what sort of reaction he was going to have. For a moment, he simultaneously felt like ice was pumping through his veins and there was a raging fire spreading throughout his body. He was upset, but not necessarily at Xion. It was a slip of the tongue, really, and most of the time she’d been around him, that was his name, so it was only natural for her to make that mistake. Just like they had had to adjust to not calling Lea Axel. 

But still, it hurt. It was the name Xemnas had given him after taking his heart, and while he was still cold and sick and bleeding on the floor of the castle, he’d told him that he had a new name, a new identity, because he was essentially not entirely Isa anymore. And all of that had been too much information for him to understand at the time because he’d been about to pass out from pain or blood loss, but eventually he’d known -- and he’d grown even stronger in this belief over the years -- that he did not ever want to go by that name again once his heart was restored. 

“I’m so sorry,” Xion finally said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I guess I was remembering that time when I found that dog and asked you if we could keep him in the castle. I didn't mean to --"

"It's okay. We should probably wait until Lea gets back before we get a pet. How was your day, Roxas?" He turned to Roxas, who still looked stressed from the whole situation, like he wasn't entirely sure how to jump back from that. Isa was just desperate to change the subject.

"Uh...fine, I guess." He shrugged. "Not as exciting as Xion's day, apparently. I'm gonna go over to Hayner's and play video games, if that's okay."

"Oh...well, why don't you invite him to come over here? That's what you always do."

Roxas shrugged again. "Yeah, that's what we _always_ do. But I'm gonna go to his house. I’ll be back later tonight.” 

“Will you be home for dinner?” 

“Hayner’s mom is cooking, so no.” 

“But Lea is calling --” 

Roxas shrugged, frowning as he disappeared into his room. “I’ll call him when I get to Hayner’s.” 

Isa sighed, looking to Xion for some sort of support, but she only shrugged at him and smiled sadly. “I was thinking we could watch a movie tonight --” 

Roxas emerged again, carrying some video games in his arms and stuffing them into his bag. “Uh...tomorrow night? Hayner and I already had plans.” 

“Okay then. Right before Lea left this morning, he told me that if he isn’t home in five days, we can join him. So don’t make any plans for this weekend.” 

Roxas’s eyes widened, and he looked up at Isa, finally interested in something that he was saying. “Really? We’ll get to fight again instead of going to school? That’s great! We should get some practice sessions in before then. Tomorrow night, though. I gotta go! Sure you don’t wanna come, Xion?” 

“Uh...I think I’ll stay here. Thanks for the invite.” She smiled softly, and Roxas returned the smile and, grabbing his bag, rushed out the door with a brief “goodbye” tossed over his shoulder. 

This was exactly what he had worried would happen after Lea left. He sighed heavily again, looking over at Xion, and she tilted her head to the side, studying him, her cheeks reddening. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I really didn’t mean to -” 

“It’s really okay,” Isa said. 

She smiled, clearing her throat a little, and smoothed out her dress. “I’m down for a movie tonight. Your pick.” 

“I’ll let you pick.” He didn’t want to ask, but it was troubling him, the way that Roxas behaved around him. It had gotten a whole lot better, but it was clear that he wasn’t exactly excited at the prospect of hanging out with him. “I know it’s been a while, and Roxas said everything was fine, but does he still hate me?” He cringed a little at how childish that sounded.

Xion frowned, gnawing on her bottom lip a little as she looked down at the ground, shuffling her feet. “Uh...no. Not really. He’s just mad that he couldn’t go. And he...just doesn’t really know how to be around you, I guess? Especially since you and Lea started dating. And I think he knows that I’ve talked to you about him.” 

All of that made sense, but it wasn’t entirely reassuring. He still wasn’t quite sure how to be around Roxas either, but he had sort of had this false hope that they could all get to know each other a little bit better, and maybe it would actually be enjoyable. He had never felt like he was much compared to Lea, but he had thought that maybe there was at least one thing that was likable about him. Xion had gotten to the point where she seemed to enjoy being around him, and she even trusted him enough to come to him with her problems. But Roxas? He was a different story. And Isa didn’t know how he was supposed to reach him. 

“Let’s get homework out of the way,” he said, “and then you can help me make dinner, and we’ll watch a movie.”

* * *

Despite having no formal education, Xion was wildly intelligent and required little to no help on any of her homework. She was done in a flash, going through everything with joy as she explained each and every thing to Isa, as if he hadn’t done the exact same things years ago in Radiant Garden. 

They were a lot alike, he and Xion, and he was starting to see it more and more with each passing day he spent living with her. It was almost exciting, like having a little sister that he’d always wanted but never gotten, but it was also unsettling and made guilt weigh heavy on him as he remembered all of the days he had insisted she wasn’t human, that she was incapable of thinking and feeling for herself. Yet here she was, a far better human than he’d ever be, and she’d been like that ever since she’d been brought into existence. 

“You know, Roxas said that him and Hayner are gonna do homework at his place, but I bet you that he’s either gonna do it in the morning right before school, or he won’t do it at all,” Xion said with a roll of her eyes and an exasperated huff. “Especially since you told him we could just drop it all and go exploring.” 

Isa smiled a little. “He’s just like Lea. Lea never wanted to do anything they told him to do in school. He’s brilliant, but he just never wanted to put it to use. It was all about making memories and making sure that he was remembered for something useful.” 

Xion grinned, sipping on her soda. “Tell me more about when you guys were kids.” 

“Okay, well...” There was plenty to say, but he wasn’t quite sure what was interesting enough to share. He also wanted to be careful not to open up any doors to past traumas. “For some reason, we both thought it would be a good idea to try to form a rock band, but there were only two of us, and the only thing I knew how to play was classical piano --” 

“You played piano?” 

“Yes, but --” 

“Could you teach me?” 

“I...It’s been years. I don’t remember how.” 

Xion shrugged. “Well, I would like to learn. If you want to relearn, we can do it together.” 

He nodded, and for once in his life, he actually thought he cared about the stupid instrument. Because he wasn’t being forced to do anything. It was for his own personal enjoyment, not so his father wouldn’t be embarrassed of him. 

“Did you have family?” Xion asked. 

Oh no. That was the very last thing that he wanted her to ask about. He looked up at her, meeting her eyes from across the table, and tried to think of something to say, but he was drawing a blank. There was an image in his mind, crystal clear, of his mother lying in bed, pale and thin and frail and nothing more than a ghost kept down by her own dark and twisted mind. It troubled him, knowing that she was really the only other person in Radiant Garden he had loved besides Lea, and she had been cruelly snatched away from him because she’d tried to fight her demons, and they’d won. 

It was not Xion’s fault; she didn’t know. It was a perfectly harmless question. He told himself that, and he knew that he could not open up to her. Not yet. She didn’t need to know anything about him. 

“I did, but they’re gone,” he said. “The three of you are my family now.” 

She smiled a little sadly, reaching across the table to take his hand, and she squeezed it reassuringly. She seemed to have gotten the hint that he didn’t want to talk, because seconds later, she was up out of her seat, stretching and yawning as she said, “I know it’s hot outside, but I think I want onion soup for dinner.” 

“Onion soup sounds nice,” he said. And it was a nice break from all the pizza and ice cream they’d been eating since they’d started living here. 

He worked on dinner while Xion danced around the kitchen, tripping over her own feet a few times as she gathered ingredients for the cake she was trying to make. She was a poised fighter, but when it came to just about anything else, she seemed like her body didn’t quite belong to her and she was still getting used to it. 

“Do you wanna train tonight?” she asked, dumping roughly half of a container of cocoa powder in a bowl. “We probably should. We don’t need Roxas to do that.” 

“We can if you want to,” he answered, watching her warily as she poured a bunch of sugar into the bowl as well. He was already worried about eating whatever disaster was going to come out of the oven, and he was thinking of ways to try to get out of it. Still, he didn’t correct her. She’d been in here baking loads of times before, and if it worked out for her then, then maybe it would be fine tonight. 

“Can I ask you a question?” she said, her expression growing solemn as she cracked a couple of eggs.

Isa stopped what he was doing and looked up at her, then nodded. She smiled a little, pushing some hair out of her eyes. "When did you know that you were in love with Lea?"

He frowned. Not really the question he was expecting, and she was staring up at him with wide, curious eyes, no longer interested in her cake batter concoction. He didn't really have an answer for her, because there wasn't really any one defining moment that he could recall. It was just something that always seemed to be, something that sort of took form without any warning, something that had just always been a part of him. He didn't remember a time when he hadn't been in love with Lea.

"I suppose...maybe it was when we were five and we were at the lake," he said slowly. "And a butterfly landed on his head. I remember thinking that it was the prettiest thing I'd ever seen."

He glanced over at Xion, who was still watching him with so much wonder that it made him nervous. He could feel his face heating up, and he busied himself with chopping onions again, not really sure why she was asking about all this or why it was so humiliating to him to talk about it. Maybe it was just weird, accepting that he had feelings again and opening himself up so easily to them, letting them consume him.

"Or maybe..." he continued. "Maybe it was when we stopped to get milk tea one day and he ordered for me. My usual, and I always made unnecessarily complicated orders. Lea never paid attention to much, but he knew every last detail about me."

Xion smiled. "That's sweet."

"Could've been when he dared himself to drink a whole bottle of hot sauce and then got sick and cried for three hours. Something about his idiocy was always intriguing to me."

Xion giggled, resuming her work on the cake batter. "I talked to Roxas about the party. He said he had no idea that it had upset me, that he was just trying to have fun. Then he asked me if I liked him, and I said I don't know, maybe?" She shrugged, dipping a finger into the batter and scooping it into her mouth. She cringed at the taste, then poured more sugar in. "I don't know what it's supposed to be like. Olette says it's like having butterflies in your tummy. And you can't stop smiling when you're around them. And sometimes you can't sleep because you'd rather be with them instead. Is that right?"

"I would say so, yes."

"And I feel that way about Roxas!" she exclaimed, clearly exasperated as she swung the spoon in the air and threw batter everywhere. Including in the soup. "I don't know. It's so frustrating. I just don't wanna mess anything up. I like what we have, and I'm afraid that something might happen, and we won't be friends anymore. Then what? We live together! What's gonna happen if we date and then break up?"

Isa shrugged, sighing as he watched the batter slowly dissolving into the soup. "It could be bad." That earned a small gasp of shock and irritation from Xion, and he continued before she could say anything. "But the two of you have a really special bond. Even if you did decide to break up after a while, I don't think it would matter, because you care too much about each other to let some silly break up get in the way of your friendship."

She frowned, slouching against the counter. "So what should I do?"

He shrugged again. Giving advice to people had never been a strong suit of his. "I've never been the one to leap headfirst into something without knowing the outcome. Lea's usually the one to take the risks. But I suppose all I can tell you is to follow your heart. Make an impulse decision. Do what'll make you happy. Then you won't end up with so many regrets later on."

"Thanks." The corner of her mouth twitched into a smile as she tasted her batter again. "Can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"You're a really good person. I know you think you're not because of all the stuff you've done in the past, but you really are a good person. One of the best people I know."

He didn't look up at her, almost choosing to pretend he hadn't heard her. She was giving him far too much credit, and all it really did was make him feel ashamed because she and Roxas and Lea were, to their very cores, beings of light, and he still wasn’t quite sure what he was. Not a good person. And certainly not one of the best people that Xion knew. 

He decided not to say anything. It would only upset her if he put himself down, and accepting the compliment just wasn’t going to happen. 

That didn’t seem to put a damper on Xion’s mood, though. She smiled and started to prattle on about the dog that she’d seen today as she poured the batter into a pan and stuck it into the oven. 

Dinner was mostly quiet while Xion read through the play that their teacher had assigned for them to read. It wasn’t supposed to be done until next week, but she was so excited about it that she went ahead and started reading, piping up every few minutes to explain the plot to Isa and voice her opinions about everything that was happening. 

It was truly unbelievable how alike they were. It was like looking at himself at fifteen, sitting on the edge of the fountain and sprawled out across Lea’s lap while he read. Even the most boring of stories they’d been given to read had awakened something within him, and he could go on for hours about turns of phrase the author had used that probably meant nothing but somehow spoke volumes to overall themes. 

He wasn’t sure if it was because this was the first time he had spent real quality time alone with Xion or if it was because of her little slip-up with calling him Saïx earlier, but he couldn’t stop thinking of all he’d done to her, how he’d never even given her a fighting chance. The only reason he’d ever show just the slightest hint of kindness toward her was when he needed her or Roxas or Lea to do something...

If he would have just listened to them and shown just a bit of basic human decency, then he could have had this sooner. And maybe Roxas would be here with them instead of actively trying to avoid him. 

“I’m not a good person, Xion,” he said, and she looked up from her book, disoriented for a moment before his words hit her. 

“Why would you say that?” 

“Because, Xion, I don’t think you understand this, but I honestly wanted you dead when we were in the Organization,” he said, exasperated and suddenly not even wanting to eat. He felt a wave of panic strike him, and he got up from the table, wanting to put distance between them, wanting to move, to do anything besides sit there and look at her while she tried to rationalize with him. He didn’t want someone to be rational; he wanted someone to attack him. “I lost those memories for a long time after you went away, but they’re back, and I remember. I couldn’t even sleep most nights. I hated you so much, and I couldn’t see any purpose in having you around. I couldn’t wait to get rid of you.” 

She sighed, turning her chair to face him, but he didn’t dare look at her. She was too kind, and he didn’t want her kindness. He didn’t deserve her kindness. 

The room was silent for a long time, heavy with the weight of his words still lingering in the air. The timer on the oven went off, and Xion, with another heavy sigh, went and got her cake out and sat it on the stove to cool. She turned to face him again, brushing the hair out of her face, and said, “Remember when I first came back? And neither of us were really sure how that happened?” 

He nodded, though he wasn’t sure where she was going with this. He didn’t remember much about what happened in the Keyblade Graveyard. He’d tried to block it out of his memories as best he could. 

“You helped me,” she said. “I don’t know if you intended to, but when I got back and everyone started slowly remembering me and they kept asking questions and taunting me and treating me like a...well, a Nobody, I guess, you got me away from them. And you let me fight with you. I was still weak and frail, and you let me borrow some of your power to fight so I wouldn’t die. I don’t think you ever wanted me dead. I think you just had a lot of feelings that you couldn’t really work out because, you know, we weren’t supposed to have feelings. And you took it out on me and Roxas. But that was such a long time ago that it doesn’t even matter anymore. I barely even have nightmares now. I’m not scared or upset. And neither is Roxas!” 

It took him a moment to soak in her words and calm down. His chest felt tight, restricting his breathing, and he knew somewhere deep inside his mind that it was just another panic attack and it would pass, but it always felt like it was the end of the world. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, the words coming out as more of a choked sob. “Some days are hard. The memories come rushing back, and I can’t stop them. Today is just...a bad day, I suppose.” 

She nodded, offering him a smile. “It’s okay, I understand. I just wish that you could forgive yourself. We all forgave you a long time ago.” She pulled out a can of icing and spread it across the cake, then cut two slices and brought them to the table, looking up at him expectantly as he sighed and made his way back to his seat. 

“I know what movie I want to watch,” Xion said. “It’s a musical.” 

“A musical?” He felt himself relaxing now, trying to focus on the present instead of all his past misdeeds. This was fine. Peaceful, even. 

“Yeah! It’s kinda like the play I’m reading right now.” She shoveled a bite of cake into her mouth, then grimaced as she slowly chewed, shaking her head. “Nuh-uh. No. It’s not good.” She took her plate and Isa’s before he could even try it and dumped them in the trash. Honestly, though, he was relieved after watching her put so much cocoa powder in the bowl. “Let’s just do popcorn and hot chocolate and watch the movie. Is that okay?” 

“That’s fine,” he replied, glancing over at his phone. It was nearly seven, and he still hadn’t received a text or a call. It was probably nothing, and they had all just probably gotten busy, but still, it was starting to get mildly concerning. 

“Great!” Xion exclaimed, throwing a bag of popcorn in the microwave. “So in the movie, there are these two rival gangs --” 

He only half listened to her excited summary, nodding any time she stopped to take a breath. There was just so much going on in his mind that he could hardly focus on the plot of a movie he didn’t much care about. His thoughts were traveling to dark places, worrying through the worst possibilities of what Lea and the other Keyblade wielders could be up to. That, combined with his conversations with Xion and the fact that Roxas wouldn't stay at home was just stressing him to the point of another panic attack. 

They should have gone with him. He should have fought harder. He didn't care about the stupid five day agreement anymore. He just wanted to see Lea and make sure that he was okay -- 

But he had gone longer without him. He'd been gone for weeks when he'd been assigned to Castle Oblivion, and Isa didn't hear any updates from there until he received word that everyone was dead. Of course, he'd convinced himself that that was just the way it was, that it was going to happen, that it was inevitable that people were going to die and he and Lea were taking that risk every single day -- 

No, he couldn't stand doing that again, sitting around and waiting for an update only to be told days or even weeks later that something had happened. He picked up the phone, scrolling through his short list of contacts to Lea's name and started to call, but then he heard the microwave beep, and he looked up at Xion, who seemed perfectly at ease about everything. 

It was good to have her here, keeping him sane. If he was alone and waiting for a call, he might have just completely lost his mind. 

"Can you make the hot chocolate?" she asked, dumping the popcorn into a bowl. "I'll go get the movie started."

* * *

He was barely even paying attention to the movie that Xion had chosen. They both sat on the couch next to each other, sharing a blanket, and she had stolen the entire bowl of popcorn and eaten most of it within the first ten minutes. He didn't mind. He had lost his appetite during dinner. He hadn't even touched his hot chocolate. It was probably starting to get cold. 

He stared at his phone in his lap, waiting for the screen to light up while a bunch of people with accents he'd never heard danced around the streets and sang songs that Xion was quickly catching on to. She was singing and dancing too, her eyes fixated to the television screen with seemingly no care in the world other than this fictional world she had lost herself in. 

7:30. Still no call. He went on Kingstagram again, annoyed with himself that he couldn't just be patient and wait for a call. There were only a couple of updates on his screen -- one from Sora, who was in some world that Isa had never been to called Corona, and as far as he could tell, the only person with him was Riku; and the other from Ven, who was in Neverland, but gave no indication of who he was with. 

He was going to go insane. 

"Hey," Xion said through a mouthful of popcorn, "Roxas just texted me. He said that he's gonna stay at Hayner's tonight. And...he just got off the phone with Lea, and he should be calling soon." 

Isa looked over at her, but she didn't seem interested in anything that she had just told him as she re-situated herself on the couch and glued her eyes to the screen again. He looked down at his phone in his hand, heart hammering in his chest as he waited for the Kingstagram home page to disappear and be replaced with the video call screen. Instead, he got a text notification from Lea. "Missing you already! (:" it read. A loud ding sounded, and Xion's head shot up as she scrambled to pause the movie. 

"Was that Lea?" she asked, her eyes lighting up with joy. She threw the blanket off of her and crawled over to sit closer to him. 

"Yes," he answered, heart sinking into his stomach. Is that all he was going to get? A text? And then, another ding. Another message. It just said "image." 

"What's it say?" Xion asked, trying to look over his shoulder. 

"Hold on," Isa told her, clicking on the chat bubble to open up the picture just as Xion moved in closer, and -- _oh._

"Nope, nope, nope," he said, simultaneously angling his body away from Xion and pushing her in the opposite direction as he stared down at the dick pic that he'd just received. It looked like it had been taken in a Gummi ship, with blinking red and yellow and green and blue lights in the background that actually made the picture look incredibly artsy. Lea hadn't included his face in the picture, just his pretty, pink flushed dick surrounded by a mess of bright red hair and freckles. God, there were so many freckles everywhere. 

"What? What is it?" Xion asked, nearly a whine as she tried to look again. "Is everything okay?" 

"Perfect," Isa said, his mouth dry, voice coming out as more of a squeak. 

Thankfully, Lea decided to call right at that second, so there was no need to fight Xion off anymore or try to come up with some sort of explanation. He answered the call immediately, turning back so Xion could see the screen, and she sidled up next to him so that they were both in frame when Lea's face appeared on the screen. 

"Hey! I'm so sorry it took so long to call," he said. "I'm with Aqua, Terra, and Ven in Neverland, and the locals said that Vanitas had been hanging around. We've been roaming in caves all afternoon." 

His hair was wet, his face red and sweaty, and Isa thought for just a moment as he stared at his image that he had never seen him look more beautiful. Everything was okay. He was fine. 

"It's okay!" Xion exclaimed. "What are you guys doing?" 

"Uh...camping out, for now. And by the way, Isa, you know how Aqua and Terra said there was nothing going on between them?" Lea's eyes moved over to connect with Isa's, and Isa couldn't even find words as he stared at him, the way that the moon and the stars in the night sky shone down upon him, bathing him in a warm, ethereal glow. Slowly, he managed to nod. He wasn't sure if he was ever going to get over how pretty Lea was. Every little bit of him. 

"Yeah, that was bullshit," Lea said. "We're all supposed to be sharing a tent tonight, and I'm pretty sure they're in there fucking. I'm not gonna get closer to find out though." 

Isa cleared his throat and rolled his eyes, then glanced at Xion to see if she had anything to say about that. He halfway wanted to scold Lea for talking like that in front of her, but really, she'd probably heard much worse. She just sat there, knees pulled up underneath her chin and hands covering her face to hide the blush creeping up on her cheeks. He smiled a little. 

"Gross," she said, wrinkling her nose. "I didn't really want to think about that." 

"Yeah, neither did I," Lea said. "At least you're not here and you can't hear it. Can you?" 

"No." 

"Good, 'cuz it's pretty loud." 

Xion groaned, and Isa took that as his chance to change the subject away from Terra and Aqua. "That picture you sent me..." he said. "Right before you called..." 

"Picture?" Lea's face contorted in confusion, and then he smirked. "Oh yeah! That was hours ago. I can't believe it took so long to go through. I was waiting for you to reply back, but you didn't, and I thought you were mad at me." He shrugged. "Sorry, I was just trying to give you something to do today." 

"It's fine, but Xion is here --" 

"What was it?" Xion asked. 

"Send me one later?" Lea asked with a wink. "Seeing as I won't be sleeping tonight --" 

"Lea!" Xion exclaimed, clearly bored and exasperated with not knowing what was going on. "My first day at school was awesome! It was so cool! All of my teachers are so nice, and all of the classes are so interesting! And there was this dog! And -- oh! Isa told us that if you aren't home in five days, we can come fight with you! We're really excited!" 

Lea looked over at Isa again, his smile fading a little, and he knew deep down that if Xion wasn't in the room, they would probably be fighting again. He tried to manage an innocent smile that he hoped would be enough to calm the storm, and it was. Lea sighed, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, I guess I did say that. Just don't do anything until then, okay? There's a lot of stuff going on right now. Remember Xigbar?" 

"I wish I didn't," Isa replied. The sound of his name made his stomach twist in a knot, and it seemed to have the same sort of effect on Xion as she shifted uncomfortably next to him. "He's back in Radiant Garden, right? He's a guard at the castle." 

Lea shook his head. "See, that's what I thought too, but Ienzo called Sora yesterday and told him that he never came home, and they had no idea where he was. There are a ton of Heartless in this world, Isa. Not to mention the Unversed. Plus, there's something about the seven princesses of light? Sora and Riku are in Corona checking in on that. No one knows what's going on, what anyone's trying to accomplish. Apparently there's this black box --" 

"I know about the black box." He didn't know much, but he had heard mention of it when he worked so closely next to Xehanort. The strange thing about it was that it didn't seem like _anyone_ knew what was going on with it, other than they were supposed to find it. Xigbar, though, had seemed the most knowledgeable on the subject, always wearing this smug smirk on his face whenever it was brought up. He'd never understood that, though. He'd at least hoped that he was more trustworthy than _Xigbar,_ and Xemnas wouldn't have told Xigbar everything and left Isa out of the loop, would he? 

"You know about it?" Lea asked, his eyes widening. "Well, that could be useful --" 

"I don't know what's in it. I just know there are a lot of people trying to get to it, and we had orders to search every world for it and not to ask questions," Isa told him. "I'm sorry that I can't be of more assistance." 

Lea's shoulders slumped, and he frowned. "It's fine. Just...if we could figure that out and take it down, we could have months and months of vacation time. And maybe I'd actually have time to take the Mark of Mastery --" 

"Ooh, me too!" Xion shouted excitedly. "I wanna be a Keyblade Master! You think we can do that together?" 

"Sure," Lea said with a chuckle. "Roxas too." 

Isa sighed, letting Xion snatch the phone out of his hands as they went into a deep conversation about their keyblade wielding and whatever the hell else they all had in common that Isa could not share with them. He was practically useless. Even with the knowledge he had gained working for Xehanort, he still had nothing to offer to them. He couldn't believe how badly it hurt him, listening to them talk like that. Of course, it wasn't their fault. They deserved every bit of happiness they got, and their keyblades were such an important asset to them now. He shouldn't let that bum him out so much. But still...he couldn't even give them information so that they could end their mission early and come home. What was he to them? Nothing. He was useless. Completely and utterly useless. Even his stupid fucking powers he'd been using for so long and had absolutely no control over. He couldn't use them because he was scared he was going to hurt someone. And now he cared about all of them, far too much. 

"Hey, Xion? Can you hand the phone back to Isa? I wanna talk to him for a minute." 

"Sure." 

She handed the phone to him, and he took it with a sigh, staring down at the image of Lea in front of him. "Yes?" 

"Nothing. I just miss you. Have you had a good day?" 

The casualness of his tone was irritating. Of course he hadn't had a good day! He'd been lonely, and lost, and itching for something to do, and missing Lea, and...

"It was fine," he said with a shrug. "Xion and I made dinner, and we're watching a movie. We might have a little sparring session here in a few minutes. Just in case." 

"Sounds fun," Lea replied. Obviously, there was something bothering him, but whatever it was, he wasn't going to say it with Xion in the room. "Are you sure everything is okay?" 

"Fine. Just wish I could help somehow." 

"You can! Just...give us another day or so, and I'll let you know something. And try to remember anything they said about that black box." 

"Of course." 

"Okay...well, I should go. I don't know where Ven is, and I'm about to reclaim the tent." Lea offered him a soft smile, and he couldn't help but smile back. Even though he felt like crying. Like screaming. Like going into a rage. Everything was so frustrating and hard to deal with, and all of these feelings that kept swirling around inside of him -- each one seemingly more powerful than the next, fighting for dominance inside of him. He didn't know what to do with them still. It was difficult, and he felt weak and pitiful as he tried to adjust, tried to control them, tried to find understanding in himself again. It would have been better if Lea was here, if they could talk through all of this together. He could talk to him now...

But he wouldn't. It was just another bad day, he told himself. These things happened. And he would have a restless night of sleep and move on. Tomorrow, he would start all over. 

"I miss you," he said. 

"Miss you too! You'll see me in a few days, I swear. I love you." 

"I love you too." He wished that he could kiss him. He wished that he would just come home and curl up in bed with him, and everything would be okay again. 

But it had only been one day. God, the next four days were going to be complete hell. 

Something off screen caught Lea's attention, and he wrinkled his nose in disgust and looked back at Isa. "Okay, I really have to go now. This is getting ridiculous. I love you! Goodnight!" 

"I --" 

The video call ended, and he groaned and tossed the phone to the side, hating himself for worrying too much about things and slightly hating Lea for being so damn busy again. They were supposed to be spending time together. 

He had to think. He couldn't just sit back and relax while all of the rest of them were busy fighting and doing something that was actually helpful. And yet, he couldn't remember much of anything they'd said about that stupid black box. 

Radiant Garden...Lea had said that Xigbar hadn't returned to Radiant Garden since the battle, which was odd. Of course, he was a little bit villainous to begin with and was stuck way up Xehanort's ass, it seemed, so it made sense that he might not want to return to a place where people were trying to find inner peace and atonement again. Still, shouldn't someone have heard from him by now? 

He had something that Lea, Roxas, Xion, and the other guardians of light didn't have. Darkness. He was still close to it, even after casting aside everything and settling into a quiet lifestyle with a new family. He could probably find Xigbar better than any of the rest of them could. 

"Wanna start the movie again?" Xion asked. 

He was going to be useful. He was going to bring Lea home, just like Lea had sworn to bring him home so many times before. And as much as he hated to return, he knew that he could find his use in Radiant Garden. He just wasn't sure what sort of emotional toll that was going to take on him, being right back in the same place with the people who'd taken his life away from him. 

"Xion," he said, "would you like to go to Radiant Garden with me tomorrow?" 

She frowned, clearly not thrilled by the idea. "Isn't that where...where Vexen and --" 

He nodded. She had always been a favorite lab rat of Even's for the short time he'd known her before Castle Oblivion. He'd been a favorite back in Radiant Garden. The thought of returning made him feel sick, but he had to do it. There were answers there, he was sure of it. 

And there were some doors that needed to be closed, and never opened again. 

"Okay," she said reluctantly, pulling out her phone. "I'll let Roxas know." 

His own phone lit up with another text notification from Lea. _Don't worry! Everything's gonna be okay! Don't do anything stupid just because I took the brain cell with me. ;)_

He was too late. Isa's mind was made up. He typed back a response. _Of course. Goodnight._

Tomorrow. Radiant Garden. He could already feel his inner demons awakening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually see an endpoint for this fic finally, and it's coming up soon. Like, maybe 6 or so chapters? But I still have ideas for more stuff, so I'm thinking I might write a sequel? Idk? Would you guys be interested in that? Also, I'm still thinking about doing a short Aqua/Terra thing.


	18. Keeping It Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > Cause I can feel my body drowning  
> The way I keep myself together  
> Is by not keeping anything at all  
> And when I tell you that I'm better  
> Don't believe me when you see me fall 
> 
> -"The Way I Keep Myself Together" by Kevin Garrett
> 
> Warnings: panic attacks and violence

Radiant Garden was exactly the same as it had been a few weeks ago when he’d woken up here, confused and alone and plagued by his own dark thoughts. The downtown area was bustling with activity as shoppers moved from one booth to another and shopkeepers called out to passersby to let them know their deal of the day. It was loud and frantic and terribly familiar, and after spending just a few minutes in the middle of it all, Isa wanted to get away. He never had liked being here right in the afternoon rush with all the people and the noise, but Lea was a social butterfly, and he always liked being right in the middle of the action. 

“So this is where you grew up?” Roxas asked, summoning his Keyblade. There was no obvious dangerous here, but the world was known for attracting darkness at just about every twist and turn. 

“Yes.” 

“Are you gonna show us around?” Xion asked. She seemed like she was halfway between being excited to see the world where Isa and Lea grew up and scared to death to see the people she had shared a home with for nearly a year. 

“I’d prefer to get in and out of the castle and just go home,” Isa said. 

He hated being here. Everything seemed like it was perfectly fine. The sun was shining, there were no clouds in the sky, and there was a brisk breeze rolling by that carried the scent of flowers from the shop down the street. But that just made him even more anxious. Supposedly all of the worlds were covered over with Heartless. Why should this world be any exception? And he couldn’t believe that Braig would just up and disappear without ever coming back here. 

Maybe that was just his own paranoia. He knew what sorts of things went on in this world. He was here when it had fallen to darkness and everyone was displaced. He was here when the experiments were going on. He knew what the people here were capable of. All of the smiling faces passing him by on the street? It was all fake. Radiant Garden might have bounced back from darkness, but that didn’t mean that they were free from it all. No, darkness had always crept in through the cracks of every building, polluting people’s hearts, tearing them down and destroying the very foundations their lives had been built on. 

Radiant Garden, a world filled with happiness and light. And yet, his mother had taken her life. His father had emotionally abused him to the point that he had an unhealthy relationship with authority figures. Terra-Xehanort – or Ansem, as he called himself during Isa’s time in the castle – had ripped his heart from his body and left him with an ugly scar and enough emotional trauma to last him a lifetime. Everything had happened right here. 

Radiant Garden was a joke. All of the good things that had happened here were almost swallowed up by the shadows. 

“Can we at least get ice cream first?” Roxas asked. “There’s sea salt ice cream here, right?” 

“Yes.” 

It wasn’t a terribly hot day, but he was sweating as he made his way down the street. He didn’t want to be here. Scrooge McDuck’s ice cream place was right in the middle of town, but they were walking in the direction of the street where he’d grown up, and it was far too close for his comfort. Lea’s house was closer, and he might not mind stopping by there and seeing his family for a few minutes – if his family was even still there. However, he didn’t think he would be able to explain to them everything that had been going on in the past decade and why they had just disappeared one day without even so much as a phone call. 

Even worse, he didn’t want to get anywhere near his childhood home. He didn’t even want to be there when he lived in Radiant Garden. It would probably be good for him – healthy, even – to stop by and see his father, but he didn’t think he would have the strength to do it today. Even if it did mean closing that door permanently and never looking back. He was already stressed and on the verge of panic thinking about walking into the castle again. Dealing with more past traumas might just be too much for today. He was still on the mend. 

Besides, he wasn’t even sure if his father was still here. 

“Lea and I used to come here every day after school,” Isa said as Roxas ordered their ice cream and he tossed some munny on the counter to pay for it. Scrooge McDuck was lingering at the back of the stand, and when he looked up and saw Isa, he waved. Isa nodded back to him and quickly took the ice cream from the worker’s outstretched hands, distributing them to Roxas and Xion while ushering them back down the street. Really, he just wanted to get out of view as quickly as possible, get to the castle, ask their questions, and then leave. 

“Put the Keyblade away,” he said, and Roxas groaned and rolled his eyes, but he obeyed. “Are you aware that that attracts attention? Not just people, but Heartless too. If the wrong person knows we’re here –” 

“Okay, I get it!” Roxas exclaimed with an exasperated sigh. “I’m not an idiot.” He took a bite of his ice cream and, heaving another sigh, said, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to get mad. I just wanna make sure we’re ready if something happens.” 

“We’ll be fine,” Isa assured him, though he wasn’t entirely convinced himself. The longer they remained in town, the more nervous he got about running into someone he knew. And how was that conversation supposed to go? He wasn’t simply displaced when the world fell to darkness, like many of the residents were. “I apologize as well. I’m on edge. Being here for me is like if I were to take you to…the Castle That Never Was. Or if we took Xion to Castle Oblivion.” 

Roxas wrinkled his nose a little. “We haven’t had a lot of luck with castles, have we?” He took another bite of his ice cream, glancing around the town, and then looked at Isa again. “Sorry if I came off as rude yesterday. It didn’t have anything to do with you, I swear. Just…sitting at home and watching movies without Lea there was just kind of a reminder that we weren’t really doing anything useful. So I was just trying to distract myself.” 

“Understandable.” Isa hadn’t really expected him to apologize for yesterday at all. In fact, it seemed rather trivial compared to everything else going on. “We’re doing something useful now.” 

“Yeah!” Xion exclaimed. She had been off in her own little world, wandering around the market square and looking at overpriced items and accessories. “Lea’s gonna be so proud of us.” 

“Neither of you told him we were coming today, correct?” Isa asked, raising an eyebrow. They both rapidly shook their heads. “Good. Because then we would all be in trouble.”

He started down the street again, his back toward the borough where his house was located and rapidly putting distance between him and his past. Already it felt like a huge weight was lifting off of him. But they were heading toward the castle now, and that was opening up a different wound. Possibly something worse.

“When did you guys switch personalities?” Roxas asked. “I’m not sure if I like it.”

“When I stopped having authority over anything.”

Roxas smirked. “You hate not being in charge.”

Isa stopped for a brief second, glancing sideways at Roxas, then carried on. “That’s not true.”

“It is! But if it makes you feel any better, Lea isn’t really in charge of anything either. He doesn’t know shit about keyblade wielding. He just pretends like he knows what he’s doing.”

“I’m well aware of that. He’s been doing it his whole life.”

“Do you know what you’re doing?”

He didn’t respond, because honestly, no, he didn’t know what he was doing. He still hadn’t quite worked out what he was going to do once they got to the castle besides probably have another panic attack. He’d lain in bed for hours this morning, paralyzed by thoughts of the past and worrying about what sorts of memories it would awaken inside of him.

“Are you gonna eat your ice cream?” Xion asked, taking the last bite of hers and pointing to Isa’s, untouched and melting in his hand. “Oh, look! I’m a winner! You think this one will work in Twilight Town?”

Isa glanced down at the ice cream, dripping onto the cobblestone path below them, then handed it over to Xion, who took it gratefully. He had absolutely no appetite. He hadn’t even eaten breakfast or lunch while Roxas and Xion were at school. He’d called Lea early that morning, but he didn’t answer until a few hours later with a text that just said, “Busy! Call you later!”

He had never known Lea to put actual care and interest into anything that he was doing. This whole guardian of light thing must actually mean a lot to him.

“Is Ansem the Wise gonna be there?” Roxas asked.

“I’m sure he will be,” Isa replied. He had never actually met Ansem the Wise. By the time he’d gotten to the castle, the old ruler was gone, and Terra-Xehanort was claiming his name was Ansem. Of course, he hadn’t known that at the time, though he should have suspected that something was going on. At the time, he was just excited that he wanted Lea and Isa as apprentices. What better way to get answers than be directly in the lab where the experiments were taking place? And to be invited in so willingly…

At the time, he’d had no clue what purpose they had for him or Lea. Just thinking about it was tearing open old scars, awakening hatred and bitterness that had been nestled deep within him for over a decade. They had been kids. And they were lied to. And tortured. And treated as less than human.

All of them had been.

“Good,” Roxas said. “I’m gonna kick his ass.”

“You will not,” Isa told him. “Why would you –”

“He treated me like shit!” Roxas exclaimed. “He kept telling me I shouldn’t exist and I was basically useless and no one wanted me, they wanted Sora. I believe he might have used the word abomination at some point –”

“I talked to you like that all the time.”

Roxas shrugged. “Yeah, and I kicked your ass. We’re even. But Ansem? Fuck that guy.”

Isa raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. He understood the rage completely, and he’d been on the opposite end of it enough to know not to get in Roxas’s way. He checked his phone once more and saw that he still had no texts or missed calls which, for the time being, was a good thing because he did not want to explain what they were doing outside of Twilight Town. 

“Oh, look!” Xion exclaimed, pointing ahead of them. “Look at the fountain, Roxas. Isn’t it so pretty?” 

Isa and Roxas followed after her as she rushed through the crowd toward the town square, where even more people were lingering and lounging in the bright afternoon sun. It was hard to believe, just looking at everything here, that the world had ever fallen to darkness, that there had ever been anything dark going on here at all. It had been a “city of light,” as people liked to call it, and standing here, Isa could almost see it that way. It was beautiful, all of the trees lush and green and stretching toward the bright blue sky, the assortment of vibrant flowers bending and swaying in the breeze. Nothing but the sound of water tumbling downward into the fountain, people chattering idly to one another, and bees buzzing around the flowers. It was almost paradise. 

Almost. For just a moment, he could forget all of the bad and focus on the good. 

“Did you hang out here?” Xion asked, looking up at Isa eagerly. 

“Yes,” he responded. Standing here, he could almost remember this place as home. Already he could feel his heartbeat calming. In fact, he was totally at peace. There was no threat here. Just good memories. Happy memories. He exhaled sharply and smiled. “Lea and I always came here to work on homework after school. Well, I worked on homework. He threw his plastic discs around and tried to hit things.” 

“Lucky!” Xion exclaimed, twirling around as she took in all the sights. “It’s so beautiful.” 

“The fountain court closer to the castle is actually much lovelier than this,” Isa told her. “It’s like a multi-tiered waterfall. The water looks like it’s pink and blue and purple.” 

Xion’s eyes widened with wonder. “Let’s go see it! Come on!” 

She was already tearing through the town square at a rapid speed, though she had absolutely no clue where she was going. It wasn’t that hard to navigate Radiant Garden, though. All roads led to the castle, and naturally, it was the biggest building in town, so it was impossible to miss it. It was looming before them, growing bigger and more powerful the closer they got to it. They had done some renovations since he’d last seen it, but it was still the same hollow shell that he had sneaked into more than a decade ago. It jutted out at odd angles up into the sky, and it looked as if they had added a few new defense mechanisms in case they decided to fuck everything up again and bring ruin to their beautiful city. 

“So what’s the plan here?” Roxas asked, once they’d finally caught up to Xion. “Are we just gonna go in and ask them if they’ve seen Xigbar?” 

Xion shuddered at the mention of his name. “Sorry, he just kind of always creeped me out. I always had this feeling that he was watching all of us, and…I don’t know how to explain it. Like he could see things we thought were perfectly hidden.” 

Isa usually didn’t pay much attention to Xigbar. Even in Radiant Garden, the only time he cared about him was when they were sneaking around the castle and he was trying to keep an eye out for him so they wouldn’t get caught. But now, with that haunted look in Xion’s eyes, he felt a chill race up his spine, and the thought of going inside the castle was suddenly a thousand times worse. Because it made sense. Braig always seemed like he knew more than he was letting on. Even when they were with Xehanort, he’d always shown this weird interest in all of Xehanort’s plans, and he’d always had this smug look on his face, like everything that they’d been told was wrong and he couldn’t wait to correct them. 

He wouldn’t necessarily call himself an expert on anything involving the Keyblade War or whatever the hell else was going on, but he could wager a guess that Xigbar was never who he said he was, and this whole thing was a lot bigger and darker than anything they could have imagined. 

He looked up at the castle again. He was sure he could still navigate it from memory, even though he’d only spent a few weeks of his life there before everything went south. At the very top of one of the towers was a room that he and Lea had shared, and there was a spiraling staircase they would race down every morning to get to the lab where they all worked. He should have left. They both should have. He knew that they were all acting rather strange when they’d let the two of them in with no consequences.

There were rows and rows of trees that dotted the hills in front of the castle, and a few of the richer families in town had their fancy cottages nestled cozily in between them. Gardens sprawled out in every direction, and a steady stream flowed around them. A steep staircase led up to a pearly white gate, as if it was the welcoming point to the heavens.

Everything felt strangely alive with an angry, electric energy. Like there were eyes everywhere, watching them. He felt a stone settle in his stomach again, and his breath caught in his throat.

Maybe Xigbar _was_ here. And maybe he was hiding something worse than Xehanort for them to face.

“Everything okay?” Xion asked with a gentle, reassuring smile.

“Yes,” Isa answered, although it felt like he was being smothered. He had to remind himself that the Terra-Xehanort hybrid that had been here before and lied to him no longer existed. But that wasn’t enough. It was like everything he hadn’t been allowed to feel for years was rushing to the surface all at once, the fear that he’d felt as he saw the dark figure looming over him with that Keyblade, Lea screaming out for him, the pain. So, so much pain. Like nothing he’d ever felt before. And no one except Lea had tried to stop it.

His hand subconsciously went to his face, fingers trailing over the X there. Why did he have to wear his sigil for the rest of his life, on display for everyone to see?

“Your phone is ringing,” Roxas said, pointing to the device in his hand. “It’s Lea.”

Isa pressed ignore on it, sucking in a shaky breath. He could not really explain what he was doing, but he knew he had to do it. If not to help them find answers, then for him to finally put his past behind him.

“We should just start by asking them if they know anything,” he said. “They’d be willing to help. They’re all trying to atone.”

His phone buzzed again. This time it was a text. _Where are you? Answer your phone! (:_

He ignored it. This was a bad idea, he knew. He was already feeling nauseous. But he was going to help, even if it meant reawakening all of the fears and anxieties he’d been trying to suppress.

“Come on,” he said. “Dilan and Aeleus should be outside.”

* * *

“Lea’s calling me,” Roxas said. “Should I answer?” 

“No!” Isa and Xion exclaimed at the same time. Of course, Isa felt just a little bit guilty not telling Lea what they were doing, but he would know soon enough, and hopefully, the trip would be worth it if they could come back with any sort of useful information. 

“I’ll uh…I’ll just text him and tell him we’re…” He shrugged, thinking hard. “That we’re at a struggle battle, and it’s really loud, and we’ll call him when we get home. So he won’t worry.” 

Isa had been the same way yesterday when Lea wasn’t calling him, so he shrugged and nodded. It sounded like a believable cover story. And, as he had figured out in the Organization, it was easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.

Not that he had to ask for permission for anything. He was the one in charge here. 

As expected, Dilan and Aeleus were at their usual posts, sinking right back into their normal, everyday lives they’d had before the experiments. As if nothing had happened. Perhaps that was the easiest way for them to atone, to just continue living as they would have before Xehanort stepped into their lives, the perfect guards to Ansem the Wise instead of the traitorous apprentices that had cast him out and moved forward with the experiments. 

In the past, the two of them were usually together patrolling the castle grounds. Just the two of them. Though Braig had worn the guard uniform as well, he usually wandered off and did his own thing, so Isa wasn’t entirely sure that they would have any information to give. The two of them had usually kept to themselves as well, and he never remembered seeing them hang out with Xigbar in the Organization other than the occasional card game with him and Luxord after missions. 

In fact, he wasn’t sure if he had ever seen Xigbar regularly hang out with anyone.

Why hadn’t anyone suspected him of something sooner? 

Dilan was the first to notice the three of them approaching, and he drew his weapon, signaling Aeleus to do the same. It was completely warranted and understandable to be on edge, especially since the last time he’d been around both of them, Isa was giving Aeleus orders to go to a place that resulted in his death.

And he had just brushed it off. They all had. He hadn’t even thought twice about them after they were gone. It was just an inconvenience. He wondered if it angered them, the way that this troublesome child they used to throw out on his ass moved up the ranks to become their boss. Probably so, judging by the looks on their faces. 

Isa held his hands up in surrender, but still, they made no move to stow their weapons away. He sighed. Thankfully, Xion was just about the most non-threatening person in the world, and she waved at them and offered up a smile, which seemed to at least get them to reconsider attacking them. 

“Well,” Dilan said, looking them up and down. His gaze kept flickering over to Xion, as if he wasn’t quite sure who she was but was trying to put the pieces together. Then, the realization dawned on him, and he finally put his weapon away. “This is a group I never thought I would see. Where’s the redhead?” 

“Killing Heartless,” Roxas answered. He seemed wary of the two of them as well. Either that or bitter about something; Isa couldn’t tell which. 

He hated this feeling, standing in front of the two of them. It was a mixture of regret and guilt and…maybe fear? He wasn’t exactly afraid of them; he never really had been. But it was just the fear that came with this place, the memories that crashed over him as he met their eyes, trying to think of what he was supposed to say.

This was the correct way to enter the castle – with permission. And back in the day, he and Lea had tried that first. One week, they’d just kindly asked if they could go inside and meet their ruler. Naturally, the answer had been no. Then the next week, they’d decided to volunteer their services to the experiments. They’d gotten kicked to the curb then too. And that’s when they’d started to make trouble. It almost felt like he was back there, fifteen years old and scrawny and small, looking up at them and begging for entry. The memories were too real.

They were just kids…Ienzo was just a kid…and they’d all been lied to, tricked by adults that they’d put their trust in.

“Isa?” Dilan asked. “What are you doing here again?”

Isa frowned, and, with a sigh, squared his shoulders and tried to push past all of the anxiety that was taking hold of his heart. They were both insanely tall. And large. When they had first started learning how to fight in the Organization, he’d been smacked around several times by both of them until he’d discovered that he went _fucking berserk_ after taking so many hits. He overpowered them on several occasions, and he’d had no problem using them as stepping stones to climb his way to the top. 

It wouldn’t surprise him if they still held some sort of resentment toward him. But he still kind of resented them too, because they’d had no problem dragging him into the lab and letting their leader take his heart. 

“I came to look for Braig,” he answered. “Have you seen him?” 

That must have sounded suspicious, because Aeleus’s hand was on his weapon again, and he was studying him carefully, eyes narrowed and jaw locked, like he was tearing Isa apart layer by layer. 

Dilan huffed. “Of course not. He never came home. Why? What do you need him for?”

There wasn’t exactly an answer for that. Just because he hadn’t come home didn’t necessarily mean he was up to no good. He could have just found another world he wanted to settle in, just like Lea and Isa had. But that didn’t quite seem right. He would have shown up here upon recompletion, at least, and no one had seen him. Maybe he had never been recompleted at all. 

But somehow, he didn’t think that was true. There was something going on. Braig was out there, wandering the worlds, and maybe he was stirring up more trouble than even Xehanort could manage. There was just something off about the whole situation, and he couldn’t quite figure out what it was. 

“He’s up to no good,” Xion answered dryly. “We’re investigating.” 

She seemed less than thrilled to be here as well. 

“Up to no good?” Dilan asked, raising an eyebrow as he regarded Isa again. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“We haven’t figured that out yet,” Isa replied, almost feeling ashamed at the lack of thought they’d put into this whole thing. He was usually better than this. He was not an impulsive person. But he did live to impress. And he did want to help Lea if he could. “We were hoping there might be some answers here.” 

Dilan crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the stone wall. Aeleus relaxed as well, letting his hand fall from his weapon. He still scowled, though, and didn’t seem to have anything to say. 

“You can check with Even or Ansem if you want,” Dilan told them. “They might know something. But we stopped keeping up with people after we got back. We’re just trying to do our job and get back on Ansem’s good side.” He nodded toward Roxas and Xion. “So what’s this? You used to hate them. Used to put them on shit missions just out of spite.” 

Isa rolled his eyes. He had never really liked talking to Dilan. And he had no use standing here and listening to his past flaws being laid out in front of him like this. He could very well do the same to them. 

“We live together!” Xion exclaimed excitedly. “It’s been fun.” 

Dilan actually managed a smile for her. “Interesting. Well, we won’t stand in your way if you’re on a mission. It’s nice to see you again, Roxas and Xion." He looked at Isa, frowning, and pushed the door open for them to enter. 

So obviously they still didn’t quite like him, which was fine. He wasn’t looking for validation from any of them. He didn’t need anything that he had left behind in Radiant Garden. 

“Bye Dilan! Bye Aeleus!” Xion said, waving. 

“I always thought they were kind of weird,” Roxas said as they pushed past the two of them and into the castle. He shrugged, looking up at Isa. “Aeleus hit me, and Dilan was…strangely obsessed with dried fruit? Plus, he told me that love never lasts. He was always so –” 

“Cynical?” Isa said. “Yes, he’s been that way since I’ve known him, heart or no heart. He was sizing us up. He likes to try to play with people’s vulnerabilities.”

The hallway that they were standing in had been renovated, just like much of the rest of the castle, but it was still the dismal, cold gray that it had been when he was just a child. Now he was back here, an intruder, but this time there wasn’t anything they were trying to hide. It didn’t feel quite as evil and unforgiving as it had so many years ago; in fact, he was sure there was no darkness left here at all. They were all just trying to atone for what they’d done. They were probably conducting perfectly harmless experiments now, or even something that might be useful to Sora and his friends. 

But still, the memories were haunting him, rising from every single nook and crevice in the place. Not just the bad. He could hear his and Lea’s laughter as they raced down the stairs toward the labs, and he remembered the genuine joy he had felt being here, being chosen to help their ruler in his quest for knowledge. For just a few days of his life, he had been able to overlook the fear and darkness within the castle walls, blinded by sheer elation that they were giving him an opportunity to learn, to see for himself the power that hearts could have. 

For a few days, everything was fine. Perfect, even. They could still leave the castle and go watch the sunset, gazing up at the sky well into the night until Even came and got them and brought them back inside. Then everyone started acting really strange. And there were screams. Loud, bone-chilling screams that Isa had heard in the middle of the night several times that had shaken him and Lea from their slumber, and he had wanted to believe that it was all just some nightmare, some shared hallucination they were having, but then it was occurring during all hours of the day, somewhere deep within the castle. He knew, deep down, that it would probably be best for them to leave, but he let his curiosity get the best of him. 

Then one day, it was _his_ screams filling the castle. And some days, it was Lea’s. But mostly, it was him, because for some reason, Xehanort liked him just a bit more. Maybe because the seeds of darkness had already been planted within his heart and were starting to grow. Maybe because Lea was a wild card, too difficult to predict most days, while Isa could easily be lied to and manipulated because he always put just a little too much faith in authority. 

His throat felt dry as he looked around, his body trembling all over, and he felt weak. So, so weak, like just standing in this place was sapping all of the energy from him. He fell against the wall, stones cold on his skin, and stared at Roxas and Xion, who were watching him fearfully and curiously. He tried to focus on them, to ground himself in reality, but it was like they were barely even there, ghosts of a life that he did not have and did not deserve. He was surrounded by the memories, all of them playing out right before his eyes, coming rapidly in short bursts. And the screams. He could hear them just as if it was all happening again, loud, tearing through his skull and rattling through his bones. He pressed a hand to his temple, wincing at the pain pulsing through his head, and somewhere, seemingly far off in the distance, he heard Xion call his name. And then it turned into another girl’s voice. A girl from his past. He had never even learned her real name. And then Lea, calling his name timidly, fearfully as he stepped into the lab where Isa lay on the floor, drained and disoriented and feeling nothing.

_“Isa?” His voice was a choked sob._

_He didn’t even have the strength to look up. He lay there, eyes blank and unfocused and nothing but red swimming in his vision as Lea crouched beside him, his body shuddering with tears that he was barely able to contain. He felt Lea’s hand on his face, grazing over his skin gently as he pushed his hair out of his eyes and stared, wide-eyed, at the gash across Isa’s face._

_“Isa, what did they do to you?” Lea asked._

_He didn’t answer. Blood fell from the deep cut, rushing down his face, into his eyes, and pooling below him on the floor. It had hurt ten seconds ago, but now he didn’t feel anything. Just numb. Hollow. Empty. He thought maybe he was dead, or dying, and that’s why he felt like this. Surely he had to be dead, right? He’d watched his heart leave his body as Ansem had plunged that strange key-shaped blade into his chest. Could someone live without a heart?_

_“Isa, please please answer me,” Lea said desperately. He cupped Isa’s face in his hands, wiping at the blood to get it out of his eyes, but he was just smearing it everywhere, all over Isa’s cheeks, his hands coated in it, and still, the flow didn’t stop. If he could live without a heart, then surely he was just going to die from blood loss._

_Eventually, Lea managed to get the blood out of his eyes, and he summoned just enough strength to look up at him. Lea gasped a little, eyes filled with horror and tears as he scrambled back a little, studying him, his lips parted with words he couldn’t quite get out._

_There were tears in Isa’s eyes as well, but there was no feeling behind them. He wasn’t hurting, he wasn’t sad. There was just…nothing. He felt one leak out and trickle down his cheek, and Lea returned to his side again, his body shaking as he cried. Isa twitched, trying to reach out for him, but the room was spinning, and he felt so…odd. Like a ghost. But he had a body. A body and no heart._

_“Isa…your eyes…” Lea said. “They’re–”_

_He wasn’t able to get anything else out before the keyblade was stabbed through him from behind and he knelt, stunned, unable to move, face frozen in fear._

_And Isa felt nothing._

“Isa, we don’t have to be here,” Xion said, her voice dragging him back to the present. “I know it was hard for me when I went to Castle Oblivion. We can come back later. Or never. Your choice.” Roxas nodded encouragingly.

He glanced over at them, his chest tight as he struggled to breathe. His vision was growing blurry, and he felt like he was on the very edge of sanity, about to tip over into his own darkness. Then his phone vibrated again, and he checked to see that it was another text from Lea. 

_I’m not stupid. I know you’re not at a struggle battle. What’s up? Call me!_

And he remembered what he was doing all of this for. He didn’t care about a lot of things, but he cared about Lea, and he wanted to do whatever he could to help him. 

“We should go find Ienzo or Even,” he said. “They might know something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this chapter and it got really, really long, so I decided to split it up into two. (: next one will be posted in the next few days. sorry there's not much shippy stuff going on. :/ Also, I one hundred percent believe that Isa and Lea were experimented on just a little bit, and you can pry that from my cold, dead hands.


	19. Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > Holy water cannot help you now  
> See I've had to burn your kingdom down  
> And no rivers and no lakes can put the fire out  
> I'm gonna raise the stakes, I'm gonna smoke you out 
> 
> -"Seven Devils" by Florence + the Machine
> 
> Warnings: panic attacks, brief mention of self-harm, depression, mentions of sex

The castle was terribly, hauntingly quiet, which was odd, considering that light had been restored to the world and Ansem the Wise was back in command. It should have been bustling with some sort of activity. Instead, it felt just as cold and dead as it had so many years ago when Isa and Lea had finally broken in and gotten caught for good. This was the same hallway he had walked every single day for weeks, lined with locked doors that held all sorts of secrets behind them. He remembered finally getting to see what was behind most of them. Files and reports, for the most part, but some of them had these strange machines, half-built and making weird whirring noises, and others were like examination rooms one might find in a doctor’s office. They always smelled like death, and Isa had learned back then not to ask questions about it.

“You sure someone’s home?” Xion asked. “It seems kind of quiet.”

“Even doesn’t leave the lab,” Isa told her. “He’s around here somewhere.”

From the left side of the hallway, he thought he heard someone moving around behind one of the doors, but the lights were off. Cautiously, he stepped toward the door and tried to turn the knob, but it was locked. A thought occurred to him that maybe something had gone wrong again, and they had all started experimenting again on things that were better left alone. He remembered that machine that created artificial Heartless and wondered if somehow it was still functioning. There could be some sort of nasty creature behind that door. Or maybe even a person…

Roxas and Xion both summoned their Keyblades as Isa jiggled the knob again, and a loud crash rang out from the dark, followed by a loud, “Shit!” and frantic footsteps. That voice…it sounded familiar. But surely it couldn’t be –

He heard the lock turn, and very suddenly the door was thrown open to reveal a half-dressed and very flustered looking Demyx standing before him. The very last person in the world he expected or _wanted_ to see.

“What –” he started to ask, but Demyx seemed just as confused as he was, and maybe even a little bit scared. His eyes widened, and he quickly tried to finish putting on his shirt and buttoning his pants. None of this made any sense.

“Saïx! Weird to see you here,” Demyx laughed nervously, running a hand through his hair. “I didn’t –”

“It’s Isa, and I fucking lived here,” Isa said, scowling. _Why?_ Why the hell was Demyx here? “What are you doing?”

“More like _who_ am I doing. Am I right?” Demyx chuckled, jabbing an elbow into Isa’s side, and Isa had to restrain himself from hitting him, reminding himself that he was no longer that person, and Demyx’s idiocy and laziness had absolutely no effect on his life, so he should just let it go.

“So uh…Isa’s your real name. Cool, cool. Mine’s actually Emyd. Kinda like the type of turtle, you know. Emys turtles…and water…” He shrugged, smiling, and then, realizing that Isa was not charmed by his joking behavior, turned his attention to Roxas and Xion. His smile grew wider, and he pushed past Isa, running first for Roxas and throwing his arms around him in a tight hug. “Roxas! I can’t believe you’re actually back! I never thought I would see you again. We were friends, right?”

“Of course!” Roxas exclaimed, laughing as he returned the hug. “You were one of the only people who was nice to me. It’s good to see you again!”

“And Xion!” Demyx – _Emyd_ – pulled her into a hug as well. “I…honestly forgot about you. Sorry…but I’m glad to see you too!”

Xion shrugged. “It’s okay. Everyone did. How are you?”

“Great! Never better! I’ve been staying here and learning stuff, and I’m kind of smart now. I’m very good at science.”

Isa rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning against the wall as the three of them continued to chatter about nothing. Today was just the worst day. His phone vibrated again, and he pulled it out to see that he had yet another text.

_ISA! Call me now. Please. (:_

This time, he replied.

_Will call later. I love you._

He waited for a few seconds, but there was no response, and with a sigh, he tuned back in to the nonsense unfolding in front of him. He cleared his throat, trying to get their attention, but they had all seemingly forgotten he was there, so he coughed, loudly and obnoxiously, and Demyx – _Emyd, damn it_ – looked over at him with a nervous smile.

“Sorry,” Isa said. “Are you all done? We have something we’re supposed to be doing.”

Emyd stuck his hand out toward him, and Isa stared at him as if he had completely gone mad.

“Can we start over?” Emyd asked. “I don’t wanna be enemies, you know.”

Isa sighed, rolling his eyes again. “Neither do I.” There was no point in flat-out hating him, no matter how much of an irritating inconvenience he might be, so he took his hand and shook it. Besides, he wasn’t in charge of his lazy ass anymore; he was someone else’s responsibility. “You never said what you were doing here.”

“Uh…ha. Well, I was gonna leave, but then…things happened, and now I’m here and fooling around with my boyfriend in the lab – I mean, doing very serious sciencey things. With my boyfriend. In the lab.”

Isa raised an eyebrow. “Your…boyfriend?”

“Yeah. Not sure how that happened because Ienzo is _hella_ smart, and –”

“Ienzo?” He didn’t mean to sound so disgusted, but…well, yes, he did, because it was a little bit disgusting. And he had walked out of that room still pulling on his clothes, which meant –

“I’m so terribly sorry we’re late!” Ienzo exclaimed, bursting forth from the dark room and still pulling on his lab coat, barely even looking up at them. “We got caught up with…oh. You’re not Even.” He breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. “Isa. Wonderful to see you again. And Roxas and Xion. We didn’t spend much time together, but it’s good to see you alive and well.” He coughed nervously, purposefully avoiding looking in Emyd’s direction, his cheeks tinged the slightest bit pink. “Well, we certainly weren’t expecting visitors today. Sora didn’t tell me – I mean, I assume you’re with Sora?” He glanced over to Roxas and Xion, then back to Isa.

Of course, if anyone was going to be the villain here, it would be Isa.

“We came to look for Xigbar,” Xion said. “But not because we’re like, friends with him or anything –”

“We’re gonna kill him,” Roxas said, frowning, then looked up at Isa. “Right? That’s the plan? We didn’t really discuss this.”

A strange look passed over Emyd’s face for the briefest moment, something that seemed like the slightest bit of fear that quickly turned into a knowing smile. But it disappeared, and he was back to looking just blank and confused as he rested his chin on Ienzo’s shoulder. Isa had caught it though, and he wondered – and perhaps he was letting his old hatreds make him far too suspicious – if maybe this somebody version of the Demyx he’d known was not quite who he said he was. Emyd might not even be his real name. All those years in the Organization, he might have just been pretending to be stupid and lazy so that he could stand around and watch –

“Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,” Ienzo said, “but Braig never came home, and we don’t expect that he ever will. Even and I have been cleaning out his room and going through things. If you’d like, I could let you take a look around in there and see if anything strikes your interest.”

“That would be fine, thank you,” Isa replied, glancing over at Emyd again. His eyes were blue; there were no tell-tale signs of possession anywhere. Besides, Ienzo didn’t seem to suspect anything was wrong, and he lived with him. But still…

“I assume we’re all on the same side now?” Ienzo asked as he started to lead them down the hallway. “How did this happen? The three of you, I mean?”

Isa had never really been friends with Ienzo, so he wasn’t really into idle chatter, but Xion was more than happy to fill him in on all of the details of their life in Twilight Town. She even told them all about her knowledge of the mitochondria (to which Emyd replied with a “I learned that yesterday too!” and they high-fived), and Isa felt even more suspicious of the whole situation. There was something very off, but he couldn’t quite figure out what it was. Probably nothing, but still, he kept an eye on him just in case.

“So you and Lea got back together then?” Emyd asked. “It was always really weird because you guys were always fighting, and then I felt like we were the kids that just kinda got stuck in the middle of the divorce.”

Isa scowled. He always said the stupidest shit, and he opened his mouth to tell him so, but Xion swooped in before he could, seemingly sensing the hostility about to erupt. “So how did you guys get together?”

“Oh,” Ienzo said, chuckling nervously. “Well, he was already here helping Even and me, but one day when we were taking a break, he was playing his sitar, and I… thought it was beautiful. It just felt right.”

“You _have_ heard him play the sitar, right?” Isa asked. “I mean, you’ve actually heard it? You aren’t tone deaf?”

Ienzo turned to face him, looking as if he had been slapped, but he nodded. “Yes, I’ve heard it.”

“Okay. I just thought –” He sighed in defeat. There were plenty of insults running through his mind, but he decided to just keep his mouth shut. They had declared peace just a few moments ago, and besides, he had no interest in other people’s relationships. He ignored them as they continued to talk, opting instead to look around at all of the rooms they passed.

Most of them he recognized, but some had been renovated so much that he could barely tell what they used to be. All of them, though, held really weird memories. Not all of them were necessarily bad. Just…strange. He’d formed this awkward relationship with who he thought was Ansem early on, because he felt the closer he was to the top, the more answers he could probably get to what was really going on. Instead, it had just left him feeling more confused and horrified than before.

For a while after Ansem renamed himself Xemnas and he gave Lea and Isa new names, they stayed in the castle. Lea – now Axel – had cried a lot, though Isa never quite understood _how_ he was crying because they had no hearts and could not feel. Lea had told him each time he asked that he didn’t really feel anything, but if he could, he was sure he would be really sad. And scared.

Isa, for a long time, was unable to really find the strength to do anything. As he made his way through the hallways with Roxas, Xion, Ienzo, and Emyd, he could recall certain events that took place in each room. There was the shower room that Lea took him to every morning and every night to clean up his cuts and change his bandages. For a couple of weeks, Lea had to practically drag him everywhere because it felt like he was in a complete daze, dizzy and disoriented and unable to wake up from whatever horrible nightmare he had been plunged into. Lea would always talk nonstop about whatever nonsense popped into his head as he disinfected Isa’s cuts and applied clean bandages over his face, and Isa remembered all of this happening – the nervous energy that Lea exuded as he tried desperately to hold on to the person that he had been before, the way his hands trembled against Isa’s skin – but it was like he was a completely blank slate. He was looking at Lea, but he wasn’t really seeing him. It was all just a complete fog. When he spoke, it was in short bursts, and then he would fall silent for hours while Lea took his hand and guided him around the castle, like he was brain-dead and incapable of taking care of himself. Or maybe he was just _dead_ dead. It certainly seemed like he was a ghost or a zombie, just a shadow of his former self.

He could not feel anger. He could not feel confusion. He could not feel hurt or disappointment or grief from being attacked by an adult he had put his trust in, but he had asked himself multiple times in the course of his disoriented blur of existence why he was the one that got the scar, the burst of darkness tearing through his skin and burning with an angry energy that irritated and itched and made him feel like there was something nasty and dirty crawling around inside of him. What had he done differently from everyone else to get attacked so viciously?

“Would you all like to meet the real Ansem the Wise?” Ienzo asked. “He’s a very kind and caring ruler.”

Roxas scoffed. “Sure. Let us meet him.”

Isa glanced at Roxas and shook his head. He didn’t think that the boy would actually do anything, but he was filled with a lot of pent-up rage, and he knew better than anyone how dangerous it could be. “You don’t have to go out of your way to get him,” Isa said. “We weren’t planning on staying that long anyway.”

Roxas shot him a glare, but Isa ignored him. His phone vibrated again. This time it was a call.

“Are you going to answer that?” Ienzo asked.

“No,” Isa replied. “It’s just Lea.”

“Lea?” Emyd exclaimed excitedly. “Answer it! I wanna talk to him.”

“Oh, I’m sure _you_ do,” Isa growled, hitting the ignore button.

Emyd’s eyes widened. “No way! He told you?”

“Yes. Of course he told me! And I–” He stopped, glancing to the right where the hallway opened up into a massive living area filled with plush couches, gaming consoles, a television, and bookshelves that stretched all the way to the ceiling. It had looked very different back in the day, but it was the same room where he had finally shaken himself out of his miserable, catatonic state.

_Lea was crying again. This time was much worse than any of the other times. He sat on the couch next to Isa, legs curled underneath him as he spouted off some story from their childhood, making sure to include every single detail he could recall. The longer he talked, the more broken and hopeless he sounded, and Isa barely listened to his words as he stared, blank and numb, at the wall, but he could hear the tone of his voice, the fear and desperation he could no longer feel. It was a little bit too much to handle today._

_“Remember when we used to climb up to the top of that hill, Isa?” Lea said, sniffling as he took Isa’s hand and held it tightly in his own. “And then we would roll down it and see who could get to the bottom first? Isa?” He had been using Isa’s name a lot lately, maybe because he thought that it would be the best way to break through the fog that clouded Isa’s mind. It almost did, most days, when Isa could manage just a few words, but he felt heavy and not quite like himself. Like there was something else living inside of him._

_“Isa, please look at me,” he begged, squeezing his hand tighter. “Are you still…you?” He waited a few beats, but Isa didn’t respond, and he let go of Isa’s hand, flopping to the side and burying his face into the couch as he sobbed._

_The sound stirred something inside of Isa. It wasn’t exactly a feeling; as Xemnas had told him, he couldn’t feel anymore. But it was like the memory of a feeling. A heartache. He shifted, turning his head so that he could look at Lea, and slowly, he reached out and touched him. It was a light touch, barely there, but it was enough to get Lea’s attention. He ceased his crying, tilting his head to look back at Isa, and he flinched away just a little bit as their eyes met. He had been doing that the past few days. He was sure that Lea didn’t mean any harm by it, but most of the time he couldn’t stand to look directly at his eyes. If Isa could feel, it would hurt._

_Isa had seen the yellow eyes reflected back at him in the mirrors of the bathroom. He knew that they were ugly, and they did not belong to him. But they were his now. Just like the nasty cuts across his face. He could not answer Lea’s question, if he was still himself, because he didn’t know._

_“You have to stop crying,” he said, in a voice that sounded not entirely his own. It was supposed to sound comforting, but it was more raspy and harsh than anything. Lea got up again, frowning, confused, rendered speechless for the first time in days as he studied Isa’s face. “You have to, or they might kill us.”_

_“I can’t stop,” Lea told him, his bottom lip trembling. “I don’t feel anything, Isa, but I can’t stop crying. I’m…worried about you.”_

_Isa blinked slowly, a burst of pain coursing through his skull. It felt like he was waking up, but his brain couldn’t quite register what he was supposed to be doing or where he even was or what had been going on. He was supposed to feel something, and there was just a blank. Even just a week ago, if Lea was crying, Isa would do something to try to cheer him up, but he wasn’t sure what. Kiss him? There used to be desire, longing, passion every time they kissed, but he felt none of it._

_He kissed him anyway, leaning forward and pressing his lips against Lea’s in a soft, tender way that also felt so incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. They just sat there, mouths mashed together and not really moving, as if neither of them even remembered how to kiss. It was weird, and Isa was the first to pull away as he looked around the room, shivering, though it wasn’t cold. He did not feel anything, and he didn’t quite understand how that was possible. He didn’t want to not feel anything for Lea; it was wrong._

_So he would just have to rely on his memories and pretend._

_“You aren’t worried about me,” he said. “We can’t worry about anything anymore.”_

_Lea sniffled, more tears rolling down his cheeks. “I know.”_

_Isa glanced at the coffee table in front of them, studying the items that lay spread out over the surface. Notebooks all scrawled with complicated, messy notes, fountain pens, and containers of different colors of ink. Probably the result of Even’s – Vexen’s – late night research sessions. He didn’t really know what was going through his mind or why the thought had even occurred to him; there was no fix-all to stop the tears. In fact, it seemed really childish to even suggest. This was like something that his mom would tell him when he was two years old to try to get him to calm down, how parents made kids believe in the magic of simplistic, everyday things._

_“Hey,” he said, picking up one of the ink bottles and twisting open the cap, “it’s going to be okay. No more tears. Just…” He dipped his finger into the dark purple liquid and carefully traced a thin line right underneath one of Lea’s eyes. His hand was trembling, and the line was sloppy and bumpy, but it did the trick. “They’re…upside down tears. You draw them on your face every morning, and there won’t be any crying. They’ll protect you.”_

_Lea stared at him, mouth hanging open slightly, his eyes wide with curiosity. Obviously he didn’t believe anything that Isa was saying; they were too old for all that stuff. But still, he nodded as Isa drew another one under his other eye._

_“No more crying,” he said, taking Isa’s ink-stained fingers and holding them tightly in his own. His frown deepened as he glanced over Isa’s face again. His gaze was wavering, not quite meeting Isa’s, and he turned his head away._

_Isa was not quite himself anymore. He didn’t know what was residing within him, but it was something dark, and it was growing and expanding every day. He felt like what little was left of him was being pushed down, suppressed by whatever had given him those yellow eyes. The same yellow eyes that belonged to Xemnas…and Xigbar…_

_Why him? What had he done to be chosen for this fate?_

_He was waking up again. He was going to try to hold on to the person he used to be as long as he could, but he could already feel it fading, replaced by a growing numbness and indifference to everything in the world. Including Lea._

Isa groaned, pressing a hand to his temple as a dull ache pulsed through his head. Suddenly the lights were too bright, the castle too cold, all the noises around him far too loud. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to make the images of his past disappear from his mind, but they only grew more vivid. He felt someone’s hand on his arm, but he was stuck somewhere between memories and reality, and he shook them off, stumbling backward until he smacked into the wall and his breath left him, his vision growing blurry.

“Isa, we should go,” Xion said. Her voice sounded distorted, like she was speaking to him underwater. “We can forget it, okay? It’s not a big deal.” 

He blinked, focusing on her standing just a few feet away from him, Roxas standing behind her and staring at him with concern. There was another voice coming from somewhere, tearing through the panic that had seized him, but the words were barely reaching him. He could hear them, but it was like he was listening to a language that he just barely knew. 

Something was horrible wrong. He knew that he could not be here.

“I know what it’s like,” Ienzo said, barely above a whisper. Isa glanced at him, trying to focus on the soothing tone of his voice, and he managed to at least get his breathing under control. His body was still in fight-or-flight mode, though, and he wanted to run, to put as much distance between him and this building as possible. “Coming back here at first was…a nightmare. I couldn’t sleep for weeks. It seemed that no matter where I went, no matter what I did, I couldn’t escape from all of the things I’d done here, all of the people I had hurt. I had to keep reminding myself that I had grown and changed, and…at my very core, I’m not a bad person. And neither are you. No matter what happened behind these walls, just remember that you’re still essentially you. And you were never the bad guy. You were just a victim that fell prey to the darkness. Like the rest of us. We have the rest of our lives to atone for the mistakes we made.” 

His eyes were watery with tears that he did not want to let spill over. He was supposed to be stronger than this, better than this, yet all of his emotions were still a tangled mess inside of him, and he couldn’t even get his mind to stop long enough for him to pick out one single coherent thought.

“Let’s go home,” Xion said, taking his hand in her own and offering a sad, sympathetic smile. “Come on. It doesn’t matter anymore.” 

But it did. It _did_ matter. _This_ was his atonement. This was his contribution to all of the things he had been fighting against for so long. He wanted to prove to everyone that he could do something for them. Something good.

But he was too weak to do even the simplest of tasks. All he wanted was to find some information for them. He was good at stuff like that. Not anymore.

“Hey, it’s cool!” Emyd exclaimed with a smile. “Me and Ienzo can just have a look around and let you know if we find anything. I mean…Ienzo’s probably gonna do all the looking. But I can text you –” 

“Forget it. We don’t even know what we’re looking for. Let’s go, Xion and Roxas.” He could already feel himself relaxing as he turned his back on Ienzo and Emyd and started making his way back down the hallway. He didn’t mean to run; really, he wasn’t sure if he was actually running. But it felt like it. And with each passing second, the weight upon his shoulders started to fall away, more and more as he took the left turn and started down the stairs. He could sense Roxas and Xion close behind him, but he didn’t stop to look back at them. He didn’t stop to say goodbye to Ienzo or Emyd, even as they called after him.

He had failed. Failed Roxas and Xion. Failed the guardians of light. Failed himself. Mostly, he’d failed Lea. And he hadn’t even had the decency to tell him what was going on all day. 

“It’s okay,” Xion said, once she’d caught up to him. “Don’t feel bad, okay? The first time I went to Castle Oblivion, I couldn’t handle it. We’ll come back some other day. Or not. Don’t make yourself suffer.” 

This should not be a big deal. He should not have a problem being here for just a couple of hours to get information. And he knew Ienzo was trying to help him, to find some sort of mutual ground between the two of them, but they were not all that alike at all, and his words just came off as cheap and meaningless and made him feel worse than he already felt. Ienzo knew what it was like to be manipulated by a man he trusted. For a while, he’d been closer to the top than Isa had been, but had he ever thought about taking someone out just to climb up the ladder? No. Ienzo, essentially, was not a bad person. But Isa? He had been possessed. He had lost himself almost entirely to the darkness crawling around inside of him, until he was nearly blinded by it. He had no trouble suggesting for Lea to kill Ienzo so he could have what he wanted. He merely shrugged and went about his day when he received news about the Castle Oblivion tragedy. He hadn’t cared in the slightest to pit Xion and Roxas up against one another until only one was standing…

And all of that had started here. 

He looked over at the two of them, his throat dry, and felt all of the misery and guilt from before rising up inside of him again. 

But he would never want that now. The thought of losing Roxas and Xion was enough to nearly send him into a panic again. He might have been blinded by darkness before, but now, he knew without a shadow of a doubt that he would kill for them. He would die for them. 

Perhaps he was not a bad person. But here, he was. Here, he made mistakes that resulted in a long, downward spiral that cost him everything. 

He was not ready for Radiant Garden and all its dark, grotesque secrets and hidden memories. Not yet. 

“Come on,” Xion said with a smile. “Let’s go home.”

* * *

He didn’t even speak to them as they crossed the threshold into their house. Xion started to say something to him about eating dinner, but he ignored her, too exhausted and defeated and ashamed to bother responding as he made his way up the stairs to the bathroom. He had already taken a shower this morning, but he felt like he needed another one. Radiant Garden made him feel dirty, as if all of the darkness inside of him was trying to resurface and eat away at his reformed heart.

He stripped off his clothes, throwing them into a messy heap in the floor instead of folding them and setting them on the sink like he normally did, then checked his phone once more. Lea had texted him. Seventeen times. He hadn’t even bothered to check and see what any of them said. It didn’t matter anyway. 

He turned the water on and let it run for a long moment as he stood at the sink, staring at his reflection in the mirror, his palms pressed firmly against the cool porcelain. It was a struggle to stand up, and right now, it was a struggle to convince himself that he was Isa, that deep down, he actually had a good heart. That he was capable of love. That he had always been capable of love. And friendship. And doing good for others. 

His phone vibrated again. 

_Isa, what the hell is going on? Please just text me back. I’m worried._

He climbed in the shower, leaving his phone sitting on the side of the tub as he stood there, letting the scalding hot water run over his face and body. He was hoping that he could just burn every last bit of indecency out of him. Including the bad memories. But he knew that’s not how this worked. His body was relaxing underneath the warmth of the water, but it did not settle his racing mind, and it did not erase the guilt and the regret and the fear that tore around inside his heart. 

Most days in Twilight Town had been good recently. He had been able to keep himself together fairly well, only waking from nightmares once during the night if he was lucky and barely having any panic attacks. He was taking care of himself and taking care of everyone around him, and he thought he was done with all the tears and the grief and the nonsense, but clearly he was wrong, because the longer he stood here, the tighter his chest felt with barely contained sobs. And finally, he lost all of his strength, and he let out a weak, desperate cry as he squeezed his eyes shut, unable to distinguish tears from the warm water rolling down his skin. He knew he was crying, and he couldn’t stop it. Where was Lea, to draw upside down tears on his face and make up some bullshit about how it keeps the tears and sadness away? 

His phone vibrated again, louder now against the porcelain bathtub. He cursed under his breath, sick to death of the damn texts coming in from Lea, and he was almost ready to scream, to rip everything in the fucking bathroom apart, but it just kept on vibrating, and he knew that it was a call instead of another text. His shoulders shook with another weak sob as he pushed his wet hair out of the way and picked up the phone. 

Lea was already yelling before he could even so much as greet him. He sunk down against the back of the tub where the water could barely reach him and listened, his body shaking, but he didn’t even care that Lea was angry at him. He sighed with relief as the sound of his voice traveled through the phone, wrapping around his bones, warming him up again and making him feel safe. Like everything was going to be okay. Even if he was in trouble. 

“–just wanted to know where the fuck you were and what you were doing, and you didn’t even bother to –” 

“Lea?” 

He paused for a second, clearly still irritated. “What?” 

“I know when people start dating they adopt some of their partner’s personality traits, but you didn’t have to turn into such a hardass.” 

Lea sucked in a breath, and for a second, Isa thought that he might get yelled at again, but then Lea laughed. He couldn’t help but smile himself, even through the tears. “Insulting me and yourself at the same time. Nice. You know I was just worried about you, though.” 

“I know.” 

They sat in silence for a long moment, nothing but the sound of their breathing and the shower water running over his legs. Then Lea said, “Are you in the shower?” 

“Yes.” 

“Great. Wish I was there with you.” 

“No, you don’t. Mental breakdowns are not sexy.” 

“What?” His tone changed to something close to fear. Isa probably shouldn’t have said anything. As if he hadn’t given Lea enough reasons to worry today. “What’s wrong?” 

He sighed, closing his eyes as he rested his head against the shower wall. “We went to Radiant Garden today.” 

“Why the hell did you do that?” There was a slight harshness to his voice, a little bit of anger, but the words mostly sounded shaky, still tinged with fear. “What was the point –” 

“I wanted to help. And I couldn’t. I’m sorry.” 

Lea sighed. It felt like he was sitting right there next to Isa. Half of him wished that he was. The other half didn’t want Lea to see what a damn mess he was right now. He didn’t want Lea taking care of him. That wasn’t how this was supposed to be. 

“Why are you apologizing? Nobody asked you to do anything.” Lea groaned. “I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I didn’t want –” 

“You don’t know what it feels like. You’ve had your redemption. No one looks at you and thinks you’re up to some sketchy shit anymore. I’m still…trapped.” He bit down on his lip hard, almost hard enough to draw blood. Sometimes, if he could give himself some sort of physical pain to focus on, then confronting all of his feelings didn’t seem like such a difficult thing to do. 

“Isa, that’s not true. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone –” 

“I have to prove it to myself. And I couldn’t even do that. I’m useless. I have no power over anything anymore. I can’t even get some fucking control over my own mind –” 

“Stop, okay? I’m coming home. None of the rest of this matters right now. I shouldn’t have ever left –” 

“You shouldn’t cancel the rest of your life because of my own shortcomings. Just…do what you have to do. I’ll be okay.” He wasn’t sure if that was the truth, but he knew he didn’t want Lea rushing to his aid. His daily panic hardly seemed more important than everything else going on in their lives now. 

“But –” 

“I’m fine. Really. It’s nice to hear your voice.” 

Lea hesitated, and Isa could imagine that on the other end of the line, he was trying to think of some way to argue back with him, but then he sighed and said, “You too. I miss you.” 

“I miss you too. You’ll see me soon. Three more days.” 

“Three more days. You wanna tell me what happened in Radiant Garden?” 

Isa frowned, shaking his head, then said, “Not right now. I’d rather not have to deal with all that again. Can you tell me about your day instead?” 

“Sure. But you know I’m always gonna be here when you do wanna talk. And I’ll try not to say stupid shit.” 

“You don’t say that much stupid shit,” Isa told him. “But you know who does? Your favorite make-out buddy.” 

“Isa, you really need to stop insulting yourself.” 

He rolled his eyes, smiling. He had stopped crying a long time ago, and for the first time all day, he did not feel the least bit of tension in his body at all. Lea had that sort of effect on him. His heart had been a heavy burden on his shoulders ever since recompletion, but Lea was more than willing to help him carry the weight of it all. 

“I was actually talking about Demyx, who, by the way, is actually named Emyd,” he said. 

“How would you – is he in Radiant Garden?” 

“Yes. And he and Ienzo were messing around in a lab when we got there.” 

“Are you kidding me? That’s so much better than my Aqua and Terra news from yesterday!” He could imagine that Lea was pouting, his lower lip poked out as he desperately searched his brain for some tidbit of information that might be more interesting than what Isa had shared. “So not a totally bad day, right?” 

Isa shrugged. “Not a totally bad day, I guess. Xion and Roxas were there. The town square is still beautiful, as always. But I’ll have to go back again someday. I think once I close all those doors, I can finally breathe.” 

“Well, next time we’ll go together, okay?” 

Isa sighed and nodded. “Right. Together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I chose Emyd for Demyx's real name because I didn't like my other options. Also, it sounds like the emys turtle. 
> 
> Also, uhhh...I started writing a strip club AU?? Lol it's embarrassing and should probably be stopped, but I'm invested in it, so I'll be posting that soon. (: thanks for reading, guys.


	20. Fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > For fear of moments stolen  
> I don't wanna say goodnight  
> But I'll still see you in the morning  
> Still know your heart and still know both your eyes
> 
> -"Lost" by Dermot Kennedy

Late afternoon in Twilight Town was always so nice and beautiful. Back when Isa was a kid in Radiant Garden, sitting on the wall by the castle with Lea by his side and watching the sunset, he could almost swear that there was not another place in the world that could be as beautiful or as perfect as the sinking sun over the horizon. 

He was wrong. And maybe he hadn’t been all that happy about living in Twilight Town at first, but now, he couldn’t imagine this not being their home. It would feel even more like home if Lea was here, but at the moment, he wasn’t really complaining. 

Ienzo had followed through on looking through Braig’s old things to try to find something that might be useful in their search for him, and he’d found a journal that he’d emailed to Isa immediately, promising to continue his search and hoping that there was something in there that helped even a little bit. Isa had been scrolling through the badly scanned pages since this morning before Roxas and Xion had gone to school, and so far, he’d found nothing, which was a huge disappointment. 

Currently, he was still scrolling while the five teenagers he and Lea had taken it upon themselves to care for ran around the streets, Roxas and Hayner on their skateboards gliding smoothly over the paved streets while Pence, Olette, and Xion tossed a ball back and forth between them and ran, trying to keep up with the other two. Isa trailed behind them, too caught up in his reading to really care what they were doing. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. All Braig really talked about was the experiments and how much he hated whiny, bratty kids and all the other little minor inconveniences that a person would run into on a normal day. Boring. Useless. Nothing that he didn’t already know. 

He looked up from his phone, lost in thought still as he gazed around at the downtown area of Twilight Town, and he felt the irritation and disappointment start to fade away just a little. The way that the afternoon light hit the buildings, casting shadows that stretched along the road, warm and inviting as opposed to the darkness he was used to. The sounds all around him, people chattering about mundane, unimportant things like what they were going to have for dinner and which movie they should watch, the shake and rattle of the tram on its tracks as it made its loops around the town. It was all comforting. He felt safe here. Sane, even. This was home. 

Ahead of him, he could see that the teenagers had dropped their little game they were playing, and they were standing around talking and laughing while Hayner carried Olette on his back, her face buried in his neck and giggling at something that Xion was saying to her. He actually smiled, for once feeling a little bit of happiness for them, that they all loved each other so much and could spend hours and hours together like that, never getting tired of each other. 

“Hey, we should have a race,” he heard Hayner saying. “You carry Xion, and I’ll carry Olette. First one to the end of the road wins. We’ll see who’s stronger and faster then.” 

Roxas rolled his eyes, but he nodded. “Sure. But I don’t know why you want to embarrass yourself so much.” 

Xion hopped onto his back, and he wobbled a little underneath her weight. Isa watched them for just a few more seconds as Hayner counted down from three and then took off running before he’d even said go, and then he sat down on a bench with a heavy sigh and started scrolling through the email again. Nothing. Braig was writing about what he’d had for breakfast that morning and the TV show that he’d just started binging. 

He should have known that if Braig was up to something that none of them had the capacity to understand, he wouldn’t just leave information sitting around telling them exactly what was going on. What kind of person did that? Still, maybe if he looked deeper at it, not just the words on the paper, but the style, the tone, the voice. Sometimes there were secrets hidden in places where most people wouldn’t care to look.

“Look at us,” Pence said, plopping down with a heavy sigh next to Isa on the bench. “Just a couple of lonely losers. Sitting on a bench. No love.” He kicked his feet idly, glancing up at Isa, and frowned. 

Isa’s eyes narrowed. He’d never actually spoken with Pence alone, and he had no idea what had possessed the boy to come over and try to start up a conversation with him. He knew absolutely nothing about him, and he was okay with that. 

“I’m not a lonely loser,” he said, cringing at how childish he sounded, like he was trying to stand up to some bully that had just called him a mean name. “Don’t put me at the same level that you’re at.” 

The insult didn’t seem to bother Pence even a little bit. He shrugged, watching his friends run around, and Isa turned away, focusing his attention back on the phone in his hand. 

“You kind of are,” Pence said, and Isa cut his eyes in his direction again. He hadn’t had the urge to murder a child in a long time, but he was starting to get there again. “I mean, what are you doing over here? Is that a cake recipe?” 

It was, in fact, a cake recipe. He’d never taken Braig as the baking type, but here it was, a cake recipe that he had copied down from some cooking show that he’d been watching during his downtime. This didn’t seem right. It seemed so out of character, so odd, and he wasn’t sure what to make of it. He frowned, eyebrows furrowing, as he hit reply on the email and typed out, “Are you sure this is Braig’s?” 

It didn’t take Ienzo very long to reply. _Of course! It was in his room. Unless there was someone else in his room at some point?_

That just opened a whole other door. Braig hardly ever hung out with anyone else. Who would have been in his room? Did he have a partner that none of them knew about? Or could he have stolen something from someone else? This could be Aeleus’s. He could definitely see Aeleus being into baking and binge-watching cooking shows. But that didn’t seem quite right either. He read on, scanning through the looping, elegant handwriting until he reached the end of a page where whoever the author was had written, “It’s all getting old. I’m just biding my time until I’m called.” 

_What?_ It seemed severely misplaced amidst the boring, mundane nonsense that had been taking up most of the pages. 

“I kind of knew I was the odd one out,” Pence said. “I mean, I’m happy for them and all, but I knew with five of us that they were gonna start coupling up eventually, and...I don’t know. It’s fine, but I’m kind of sad. What if I never find love?” 

Isa scoffed, barely even paying attention to him, his mind racing as he continued to read quickly through the endless paragraphs, looking for some sort of answer to the questions that kept popping up, more and more the longer he sat there and read. It was frustrating, trying to focus on this and trying to understand, while Pence just sat next to him rattling on and on and on about his feelings as if _Isa_ was the person to ask when it came to understanding feelings, and he wanted to scream, there was just so much and --

He wished that Lea was here. People always used to think that Lea was stupid or didn’t care, but they were good together. They could always figure things out when they were working together instead of constantly at each other’s throats. The things they could have accomplished if both of them hadn’t been so stubborn and adamant while they were in the Organization...

He glanced over at Pence again, saw the sad look on his face, and he actually did kind of understand. The loneliness, the heartbreak. He knew that the other four weren’t intentionally leaving Pence out of their plans, but it just sort of happened. Kind of like how Lea had never meant to really leave Isa out of his life. Isa had just grown bitter and assumed that he was being left behind when in reality, there was always a seat next to them on the clock tower every day at sunset. 

And he felt bad. He set aside his phone, forgetting about the journal and the author of it for the time being, and said, “Just because you’re not dating anyone doesn’t mean that nobody loves you. You have friends that care a lot about you. Not just those four, but Sora and Kairi and the others. And when the right person comes along, then you’ll have them too. Don’t call yourself a lonely loser. You’re surrounded by people who care. And besides, if we’re being honest, you’re the only smart one in the group. Do you know how much trouble they’d be in without you around?” 

Pence stared at him, eyes wide, as if he was staring at some sort of horrendous monster instead of Isa, but then slowly, a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, and he chuckled a little and nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Hayner’s an idiot. He tried to kick that Ansem guy’s ass outside the mansion one day.” 

“That doesn’t surprise me at all.” He managed a small smile, which Pence returned before getting up and running off after his friends. Hayner was immediately glad to see him, and he threw his arm around Pence’s shoulders and pulled him into a side hug as Olette smiled and ruffled his hair. 

Huh. Maybe he _was_ decent at giving advice and making people feel better. At first when he’d gotten here and started spending so much time around all of the kids that Lea had adopted as his own, Isa had been nervous and confused and unsure of what he was supposed to really do with them. He’d thought about kids, but he’d never really been good with them. Now, it was just so easy to deal with all of them. They were a handful, but in a good way, and he wouldn’t trade any of them for anything in the worlds. 

He sighed, turning his attention back to his phone. But it was hard to focus now. He was just so incredibly at peace here, and it seemed like all of the pieces of his life that had been scattered and broken for so long were finally starting to fall back into place. This was home. These people were home. Now all that was missing was Lea. 

He missed Lea. Horribly. The fourth day without him was drawing to a close, and he knew that regardless of any other factors, they were going to see each other tomorrow, but tomorrow felt so far away. He didn’t know if he could make it that long. 

He let out a long, slow breath and checked his messages to see if he had somehow missed one from Lea, but there was nothing new. Just the one he’d sent this morning to tell him he loved him. He quietly typed out another message to him and hit send. 

_How’s the most beautiful man in the worlds doing today?_

It only took a few seconds for him to get a reply. 

_I don’t know. How are you?_

It was the response he had been expecting, and still, he smiled, his heart fluttering just slightly in his chest. Texting was not good enough for him. He wanted to hear Lea’s voice. Maybe if he did, then it would tie him over just long enough to wait one more day. 

He hit the call button, and it rang once, twice, three times before Lea finally picked up. “Isa! I was just about to call you!” he exclaimed excitedly. “What are you doing?” 

“I’m downtown with the kids,” he said, smiling a little at himself. It sounded like they were an old married couple. That had been the dream, ever since day one. Maybe not just like this, but this was better. “They’re skateboarding. I’m just sitting here looking over this thing that Ienzo sent me. About Braig.” He hurried on, not giving Lea enough time to chastise him for getting so involved so quickly. “Where are you?” 

Lea let out a heavy, exasperated breath. “Still in Neverland. The Heartless situation here is...out of control. I really don’t know how this world hasn’t fallen straight into darkness yet. But don’t worry! We’re taking care of it.”

Isa raised an eyebrow, huffing a little. How was he supposed to just _not_ worry? If that world fell to darkness while they were all there, then what did that mean for them? Maybe they would just end up being transported to some other in-between world and they would easily be able to make it back home. But then again, maybe not. The only time they’d ever been stuck on a world as it fell, it was in Radiant Garden, and by that time, they were only kind of in between existence and nonexistence as well, and they’d ended up in a world that was just like them. A place that wasn’t supposed to exist, but did, somewhere far beyond the reaches of their former reality. 

“How do you expect me to not worry when you tell me the situation is out of control?” he asked. “Lea --” 

“Ven!” There was a crash, a scream. “What the hell is -- shit, I gotta go, Isa. I’m so sorry. I’ll call you later.” He hung up, not even saying “I love you,” and Isa just sat there, phone still pressed to his ear and staring into nothingness as his heart clenched and his stomach started doing little flips, and he thought he really might be sick all over the city streets. 

Shit. Shit shit shit. He got to his feet, more so an involuntary reflex than anything else, because his brain was barely functioning well enough to think any sort of coherent thought at all. There was no way it could tell his body what to do about whatever he’d just heard on the phone, other than to let him just rely on pure, protective instinct. 

He ran, the world seemingly moving in slow motion around him, like maybe he was caught in some sort of dream, toward Roxas and Xion, standing around and talking and laughing with their friends. Xion looked up at him before he’d even made it to them, her head tilting slightly in an unspoken question, and then her eyebrows knitting together in concern. Her mouth opened slightly, about to ask, but instead she shook Roxas, and he looked up as well, right as Isa made it to them, hands shaking, feeling himself right on the very edge of a panic once again. But he had to be calm. He had to think. Being shaky and scared and panicked wasn’t going to do anyone any good. 

“We have to go,” he said. “Now.” 

“Why?” Roxas asked, but he knew well enough. Isa didn’t even have to explain to them what was going on or what had happened, because they both knew that something had happened, that they couldn’t just sit here in lazy, sleepy Twilight Town any longer, pretending that there wasn’t darkness creeping in to all of the worlds around them. 

They said goodbye to their friends, hurrying down the street toward the old mansion as fast as they could go, and Isa was scared. Genuinely scared. Even when their world had fallen to darkness, at least he and Lea had had each other. Now, they were separated, and he had no way of knowing what was going on until he got there. _If_ he could get there. What if the world was already gone? What if they couldn’t find him? 

His hands fumbled with the keys as they approached the house, shaking so badly that he kept dropping them or grabbing the wrong key or missing the keyhole, and finally Xion just made things easier on everyone and summoned her Keyblade, opening the door easily and rushing into the house and to her room to pack. 

Isa went to pack as well, but he couldn’t even think about what they might need. He didn’t really know what sort of situation they were walking into. If the world was gone...

He couldn’t think like that right now. It very easily could have been nothing. Just a scare. But he wasn’t taking any risks. Not anymore. Lea had died in the Keyblade Graveyard, and Isa wasn’t there for him, to help him. He wasn’t going to let Lea get taken from him again. 

Gods, he shouldn’t have let him go. He should have fought harder for a better solution. 

But no. He didn’t have time to beat himself up over it right now. As he grabbed clothes and food and his claymore and whatever else he could think that they might could use, he dialed Lea’s phone again, waiting impatiently as it rang and rang and rang and then went to voicemail. Then he hung up and dialed again. And again. And again. No answer. 

He wasn’t even sure if he had everything that they needed, but he couldn’t stay in this house any longer not knowing what was going on, and he was still trying to call as he dashed down the stairs to where Roxas and Xion were already standing and waiting anxiously for him in the foyer. 

“Where’s he at?” Roxas asked, both of his Keyblades held firmly in his hands, a backpack slung over one of his shoulders. His jaw was locked, his eyes dark. He looked like he was ready to kill. 

“Neverland,” Isa said, the word coming out as more of an exhale than anything else. “He’s -- fuck! -- he’s not answering his phone.” But maybe they had just gotten caught up in some battle. It was fine. Everything was perfectly fine. 

No. He couldn’t quite believe that until he saw it.

* * *

The world was still intact, it seemed, as they walked through the forest, sticking close together as the shadows of nightfall started to stretch before them. The trees grew so thickly in this part of Neverland that it was difficult for the moon and stars to shine down on them. They were practically walking through complete darkness. 

“No way of knowing where they’re camping at, I guess,” Xion said. 

Something rustled in the shadows to their left, and Roxas tensed, both Keyblades held out and ready to attack whatever was coming for them. They hadn’t run into any Heartless yet, but it was only a matter of time. 

“I’m trying to call someone else,” Isa said, “but no one is answering.” This was the sixth time since getting to Neverland that he had hit redial on Aqua’s number, and since he’d gotten voicemail with her, he was trying Terra now. 

“Maybe close to the water?” Roxas suggested, his voice barely above a whisper. They were trying to be quiet, trying not to draw attention to themselves, but their footsteps were heavy on the forest floor, the world around them far too silent, which made it seem all the more dangerous. “Or the caves?” 

“Weird that we haven’t even seen any of the world’s natives around here,” Xion said. “Where do you think they are?” 

“Probably hiding,” Isa answered, because he refused to believe that anyone at all was dead. If the natives were dead, then what did that mean for their friends? 

No answer from Terra. Now it was Ven’s turn. 

“Look,” Xion whispered, pointing up ahead. Isa looked, barely able to see anything, but the glowing yellow eyes were bright enough that he could tell they were not alone anymore. He thought it might have just been one pair moving and shifting in the shadows, and that they could handle easily, but then more started to blink into existence. Four eyes. Then eight. Then maybe twenty. And then he started to lose count. 

He put his phone away, drawing his claymore, his body tensed for battle. He could sense Roxas close to him, could feel Xion’s shoulder brush up against his arm, and worry settled deep within his gut as the little creatures started clambering toward them. Creatures of darkness, nothing more. They could not think, could not feel. They only knew hunger. Hunger for hearts. And they seemed more than eager to devour the people that had intruded upon their forest hideaway. 

There weren’t a lot of them; he knew that they would be fine. But still. None of them had fought in weeks. They were terribly out of shape and out of practice, and if things got any worse than this, then they might be in trouble. 

Roxas made the first move, rushing into the squirming, writhing mess of shadowy bodies with a cry of fury and swinging his Keyblades all around him in a sort of wild, whirlwind movement that took out ten of the little monsters at once. Isa watched for just a moment as the monsters dissipated into nothingness and tiny, glowing pink hearts released into the air. Hearts that belonged to actual people. Hearts that he did not have the power to release. Hearts that Xemnas had had a craving for, to create Kingdom Hearts. When none of them could even understand it. Hearts that had made Isa unusually and unnecessarily cruel to Roxas and Xion and anyone else that dared to question anything that they were doing and who they were doing it for. 

No. He didn’t have time to think back to his past crimes, his own idiocy, his own cruelty. Right now, he had to fight. He had to get the three of them safely out of this place and back to Lea. Wherever he may be. 

He rushed into the battle as well, right at Xion's heels, and he could feel the familiar power that the nighttime and the moon gave to him pulsing hard through his veins as he swung his claymore and slammed it into two of the shadows, knocking them into a tree as they slowly melted into darkness and faded away. And there were more coming. He could see the glowing eyes staring down at them from within the trees, the great winged ones swooping down with ease onto them. Isa was barely able to dodge a strike from something behind him. He felt the cold grip of a claw on his shoulder and he spun, swinging his claymore and rolling just in time to miss yet another strike from one of the massive neoshadows that frequently lurked in the streets of the World That Never Was. He was well acquainted with them. And now there were at least ten of them, surrounding him and Xion, and he had no idea where Roxas was in the mass of all of this. 

He was quick to get back to his feet, baring his teeth and slamming his massive blade into the closest creature to him with a loud, exerted grunt. This was bad. He was already starting to grow weary and a little lightheaded, his muscles aching, and they had barely even started yet. He let his eyes drift from his adversaries for just the briefest second, searching through the thick, heavy darkness for Xion, and he saw her, just inches away, her body bathed in a cool, pale blue glow and her bright blue eyes glowing bright. 

Of course. He'd forgotten. She could siphon power off of him. 

"There's too many!" she yelled over the noise. 

Heartless were not silent creatures. They growled and hissed and grunted and slithered, and the smell that came off of them was ungodly. Like every single disgusting, putrid smell that one could think of. He looked around, striking a few more of them down and panting, worried, because he should be even more powerful in berserk state, but his energy was draining fast, and he didn't understand why. Xion was right; there were too many of them. And there were more crawling out from every nook and crevice in the forest. They were going to get overwhelmed very quickly if they didn't get out of here now. 

"Where's Roxas?" he asked, his voice coming out in this low, deep growl that didn't quite sound like him, as he and Xion met up again, back-to-back and fighting off each and every monster that lunged at them. 

"Somewhere over there," Xion said, waving vaguely, but she didn't seem quite so sure herself. The darkness was heavy, and it was suffocating, and all of them were far too out of it to be able to handle it on their own. 

They had to run. There was no other choice. He had no idea where they were going of what they were going to find when they got there, but he took Xion's hand, guiding her through the massacre and beating off any beast that tried to attack them. The night was cool, but he was sweating and panting, and his vision was blurring slightly around the edges, and it felt like no matter how hard he was breathing, he couldn't quite get enough air into his lungs. They found Roxas, backed up against a tree and surrounded but holding his own rather well, and they assisted him in fighting off enough of the creatures so that they could create a narrow exit for him. 

And they ran. Everything was dark and they could not see a single damn thing, but they ran, feet pounding the forest floor hard and breath coming out in raspy, heavy gasps. The Heartless were still following them, but there were considerably less now, and Roxas -- with both of his Keyblades -- managed to keep the majority of them away. Maybe the few weeks without training hadn't been all that cruel to him. Maybe he was still drawing a lot of his power from Sora. Whatever it was, Isa was grateful for it, because he felt like he was going to pass out. 

"Did you feel it?" Xion asked, and he glanced over at her but then looked forward again. She looked normal now, and he assumed he probably did too. 

"Feel what?" Roxas questioned. 

But Isa knew. The fight had been strenuous, and it had been difficult for him to focus on much of anything other than defending his and Xion's lives, but he had noticed it. The suffocating pull of the darkness, how it had seemed to curl and twist around them, like yes, maybe it was trying to kill them, but also trying to invite them in. Swallow them. Consume them.

"I did," Roxas said, when Isa was almost sure that he hadn't, and he could hear the fear laced in the boy's wavering voice. "The darkness...this world's going to fall." 

"Yes," Isa said with a nod, heart pounding as they burst forth into a clearing and the moonlight was finally able to shine down upon them. "And it's going to fall soon." 

He coughed, pressing a hand to his side and wincing at the pain. Most of it was just from the running, but he was almost certain he'd been scratched in a few places as well. He studied Roxas, doubled over before him, breathing heavily, and saw that there was blood trickling down from a cut on his forehead. Xion wasn't in the best of shape either. The sleeve of her sweater had been ripped, and there were a few long claw marks trailing down her arm, leaving a river of crimson dripping from her bare skin. 

It didn't matter that he was hurting, that he was tired. The more important part was that Roxas and Xion needed help, and he was going to take care of them first. 

"We need to get you two cleaned up," he said, already digging around in his bag for the bandages and the rubbing alcohol that he'd packed. 

"Us? What about you?" Xion asked, horrified, eyes growing wide as her gaze drifted to his abdomen. He looked down, confused, and saw what she was staring at, and...yeah, maybe they had reason to be concerned about him too. 

The pure adrenaline had helped him to ignore the pain, but now that Xion had pointed out, he could feel it, deep and pounding within his stomach as blood dripped from the wound. He placed his hand over it, putting just the slightest pressure to it, and nearly screamed by how badly it hurt. The slice was deep, and he was bleeding. A lot. As he pulled his hand away, he studied it, vision growing fuzzy and his mind going blank with a sort of hazy fog. And he was stained scarlet. His hand, his clothes, and Xion was screaming something to him, but he couldn't quite hear her as he fell to his knees. This was not going to kill him. He was not going to die in the middle of the forest. He knew that. Or, he had to tell himself that. 

But the world around him was spinning, and he couldn't really tell what anything was. Just a bunch of meaningless smudges, blurring together in front of him like paint smeared carelessly across a canvas. "Shit," he said, wincing, and Xion was before him, her hands on his shoulders, and Roxas was fumbling in his bag and shouting something at him, but he had no idea what was going on, other than he was falling, spiraling back into the darkness, and he had no strength left in his body, no resolve to fight. 

_Lea!_ He had to get to Lea. He was somewhere in this world, alive and well and breathing, and he was waiting for Isa with open arms. Everything was fine now. They were in love, and they had a family, and they were going to go home and get married and get a dog and -- 

It was a strong, powerful light, but it was still not enough to break through to him. He was fading. Fading fast. And there was no way out.

* * *

_"Isa?"_

_He sat on the edge of his bed, staring down at the floor as his mother walked into his messy bedroom. For the first time in several months, she looked well put together, clean with her delicate curls tumbling down her back like water and her bright green eyes shining with just the slightest bit of joy. He had no way of knowing that this was going to be the last time he was going to see her. He was a child, and he thought she had recovered, sitting here in her pretty yellow dress with her makeup done and her nails painted and everything perfectly put into place. He was overjoyed, thrilled that he had his mother back._

_"Are you feeling better?" he asked, smiling up at her._

_She nodded, brushing his blue hair out of his eyes and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He thought she was being genuine; how was he supposed to know that she was lying to him? "I'm fine, my darling," she said. "More importantly, are you doing okay?"_

_He shrugged. "Fine, I guess. Just kind of bummed out and a little confused. Lea told me last night that when he was ready for his first kiss, he hoped it would be with me." He wasn't sure why he told her that. But then again, he was at this age where he didn't feel like he had to keep secrets from his parents. And besides, his mom had always been invested in his life, never quick to rage, never quick to judge. He didn't feel like he really had to keep secrets._

_She laughed, and it was the first time he'd heard her laugh in so long that he looked up in wonder, in awe, and couldn't help himself from laughing as well as she draped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close to her side. "Oh, sweetie. Don't worry about all that. You and Lea have something special that I could only ever wish that I could find."_

_He frowned deeply, his brow furrowing. "What do you mean?"_

_"I mean..." She turned her body so that they were facing each other now, and she placed her hands on his shoulders and lowered her head just slightly so that they were at eye level. "I mean that this world is going to throw you all sorts of obstacles. You're going to run into more trouble and more pain than you could ever expect, Isa. But you're not alone. You and Lea are a team, okay? And you need each other to survive. You're going to feel like giving up a lot of the time, but don't. You've got something to live for. Something to fight for."_

_It was as if she was talking to someone else now, not to Isa, but he was so captivated by her words that he wasn't reading the signs. He was a child. He didn't know the signs. He just heard the kindness spilling out of her mouth and the words of wisdom, and he thought to himself that his mother was probably the smartest and kindest and most beautiful person in the entire world._

_"Why are you saying all this?" he asked._

_And she smiled sweetly at him, taking his tiny hand tightly in her own and squeezing it gently as she pressed another kiss to his head. "Because I love you so, so much, and I never want you to forget that. Never. Stop. Fighting."_

_If only he'd been a little older, a little smarter, then maybe he could have stopped her. But she was trapped in darkness, and now, so was he._

He honestly thought that he would never wake up. It was like that stretch of time in between dying and getting recompleted that he had experienced before, when he wasn't quite sure if he was actually going to come back. He was just suspended in time, in this other reality, in darkness, unable to tell how much time had passed or if the terrible, suffocating darkness that stretched out all around him was ever going to end. 

But then his eyes cracked open, and he was conscious of his breathing again, and he was not staring at darkness any longer. In fact, he was staring at the brightest light he'd ever seen in his life. 

"Good morning," Lea said, hovering over him with a gentle and loving smile. He didn't miss the sigh of relief that escaped from Lea's lips. 

He tried to sit up, blinking, disoriented, looking around in confusion, but the pain that shot through his body with the simple motion was far too much, and he winced and cursed under his breath as he lay back down. "Where -- how --" There were a lot of questions flooding his mind, but he wasn't even sure where to start, what the most important thing was. His eyes snapped back up to Lea's face and noticed bandages across one of his cheeks, and his eyes widened as he reached out to touch him. "You're hurt." 

"This?" Lea pointed to the injury and rolled his eyes, taking Isa's hand and pressing it to his lips. "This is nothing. You were the one that got hurt. What were you thinking?" 

"I was --" His brain was still cloudy. He wasn't quite sure where all of his thoughts were, but suddenly he just felt too tired to try to think up words. "I thought --" 

"We were fine. Really. Nothing that the four of us couldn't handle." There was a sort of harshness to his voice, something that sounded almost scolding, but then he softened, his lips curling up into a smile again. "I'm glad you're here. I missed you like crazy." 

"I...missed you too." 

Lea chuckled a little bit and lay down next to him, resting his head perfectly in the crook of Isa's neck. He was dirty, covered in sweat, but there was still the faintest scent of smoke and strawberries, and Isa closed his eyes, reveling in the familiarity of it. He could almost cry. Four days without Lea had nearly destroyed him. How had he lasted for so many years before? 

"Roxas and Xion...?" he asked. 

"They're sleeping," Lea told him. "Aqua's making lunch. You guys must have hit a really big group of Heartless. We just got attacked by a few of them yesterday." 

"I thought --" Isa tried to say again, trying to offer some sort of explanation for his irrational behavior, but really, there wasn't much of one. Other than he just wanted to make sure he was with Lea if something happened. So that he could protect him. So they could protect each other. He sighed, groaning as he buried his face in Lea's hair and kissed his forehead. He didn't know how he had found them or how they had managed to get him back to their camp or how anyone had managed to keep him from bleeding out, and frankly, he didn't really care. He was too tired to ask questions and too scared for what the future held to bother thinking about the past. 

"This world is going to fall," he said. "Really soon." 

Lea shook his head, pressing a kiss against Isa's collarbone. "Nuh-uh. Because the guardians of light are here, and we're gonna kick some Heartless ass. But not until you get better, okay? I'm your nurse for the next few days, and I'm totally dedicated to getting you back to perfect condition." 

"Lucky me," Isa said as he turned over to his side, drawing Lea into a slow, tender kiss, not even caring about the pain. Just wanting Lea. Now and forever. At the moment, it didn't even matter if this world fell to darkness. Nothing mattered, so long as the two of them were together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I...really had no idea where this chapter was going when I wrote it. But here we are. Sorry for the trauma? ;)


	21. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> > There's a ghost in my lungs and it sighs in my sleep  
> Wraps itself around my tongue as it softly speaks  
> Then it walks, then it walks with my legs  
> To fall, to fall, to fall at your feet  
> There but for the grace of God go I  
> And when you kiss me, I am happy enough to die
> 
> -"I'm Not Calling You a Liar" by Florence + the Machine

Isa wasn't entirely sure why he was still looking through the useless journal that Emyd and Ienzo had sent to him, but whenever he wasn't falling into a restless, painful sleep, he was awake and scrolling through pages and pages worth of nonsense and trying to figure out whose worthless nonsense it could be. It struck him that perhaps it could belong to one of the castle's current residents, but the handwriting was so unfamiliar to him, and after years and years of looking over handwritten reports from everyone turned in after every mission, he thought he would be able to distinguish if it belonged to someone in the Organization. And he was almost certain that it didn't. But then again, the entire thing could just be a red herring. Somewhere in the castle, there could be something else hiding in plain sight...

"What are you doing?"

Isa glanced away from his phone for just a moment, his gaze falling downward to where Lea's head rested against his chest, and he smiled as their eyes connected. "I'm scrolling through this journal looking for stuff, but I can put it away if I need to."

"Mm. No, you're okay. Finding anything?"

Isa shifted uncomfortably and tossed his phone to the side with a heavy sigh as he wrapped his arm around Lea's waist. He would never say anything about it, but Lea was putting a lot of weight directly on the gashes across his stomach, and it didn't feel all that pleasant, but he would suffer through it if it meant that Lea would stay close to him like this. "Not really. Just wasting my time, I suppose." He pushed a bit of hair away from Lea's face and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "Have you been sleeping?"

"No. Just lying here listening to your heartbeat."

"Oh? Why?"

"Because for a really long time I couldn't hear it. There wasn't anything there, and...I don't know." He shrugged, offering up an innocent smile. "It's nice to hear, you know? Kind of like a reminder that you're still alive, and you're here with me."

Isa sucked in a breath, reveling in the scent and the familiarity of Lea as he tightened his grip on him. He understood that feeling all too well. For so long, they were like ghosts. And now, it seemed like worse things were lurking for them just beyond the horizon, right in this very world that they were staying in. He'd spent enough time in darkness to know when it was coming for them, and he could feel it now, descending upon Neverland with a merciless wrath brought on by gods only knew what sorts of adversaries. Of course they'd had their run-ins with Maleficent and she was still out there. And then there were the villains that still resided in every world they visited. Plus, he was certain that Xigbar was absolutely up to no good and had either not died after all or had been recompleted into something totally different. Or maybe he'd never been Xigbar after all. And then there was Vanitas and the other Seekers of Darkness who had yet to be accounted for, and who knew whose side they were on now? There was just so much, and it was all piling up so quickly with no real explanation or solution, and death was lurking around every corner.

Which is why he had to forget about all of that for now. It didn't matter that he wasn't doing his part, that he wasn't being accepted as a guardian of light, that he hadn't gotten his redemption quite yet. If death was inevitable anyway and they were standing right at the edge of it, he might as well enjoy the precious time he had left before everything started to go south.

"Plus," Lea said, nuzzling against Isa's neck, placing fluttery kisses against his skin, "it beats really, really fast all the time. And..." He dragged his lips over Isa's pulse point, his fingers playing at the hem of Isa's shirt and starting to push it upward. "It seems like it just keeps getting faster and faster."

"That's probably because you're around."

Lea raised an eyebrow, a sly smirk tugging at his lips as he got up from where he lay and peered down at Isa, his fingers still gliding over the bandages covering Isa's belly. There was a faint green glow coming from him, the weakest of Cure spells, but it was already starting to make him feel better. "So I excite you?" Lea asked.

Isa rolled his eyes and took Lea's hand away from his injuries, pressing it to his lips instead, kissing each finger individually. "I would have thought that was common knowledge," he said.

"Yeah. I just like hearing it sometimes. Makes me blush." He crawled back over to Isa and swung his leg over so that he was straddling his hips as he leaned forward to kiss him. "You feeling okay?"

Isa nodded, his hands coming to rest on Lea's thighs as he kissed him again and Lea ground down rather harshly against him. He winced a little in pain, but he tried to hide it as best he could, not wanting to spoil the mood. He had missed Lea, and he'd missed this contact, the warmth of his skin and his kisses. And besides, Lea was back to casting Cure spells on him that left a tingling, fuzzy sensation in their wake as he leaned closer to him, every inch of their bodies pressed together, legs tangled, as he kissed him, long and deep and messy.

"Most people don't get treated like this by their nurses," Isa said as Lea pulled away for a brief moment to slip out of his shirt. He was back on him in seconds, sucking big, sloppy splotches onto his neck and nipping gently at his skin while his fingers glided gracefully over the deep injuries on Isa's stomach. It felt so unbelievably good, leaving all sorts of sensations racing throughout all areas of his body, taking away all of the pain and leaving him in a dizzying state of euphoria and absolute pleasure. He wasn't a loud person, but the tingling jolt of the spell burrowing through him, combined with the movement of Lea's mouth and hips against him, was enough to make him moan.

Lea chuckled against his neck, and he felt bumps rising along his skin as he hurriedly tried to cover his mouth before another one could escape. "Well," Lea said, his voice dropping to a low, sultry purr as he licked across the messy path of bruises he'd left across Isa's skin, "I'm not like other nurses, and you've been a particularly good patient."

"Oh really?" Isa asked, pushing himself up from the sleeping mat and clutching at his side as a shock of pain flooded through him. He flinched, squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth so hard that he felt his jaw pop, but Lea was back on him in an instant, his fingers drifting beautifully over his abdomen and sending an unbelievably intoxicating sensation flooding through his gut. Never in a million years would he have imagined a damn Cure spell as anything close to sexual, but he was already hard and wanting from the way Lea was rubbing up against him and kissing him, and the relief that the magic brought to him was just pushing him closer and closer to orgasm.

"Does that feel good?" Lea whispered, pushing Isa's hair out of the way as he kissed and nipped at the spot below his ear that was usually really ticklish, but right now, it was just incredibly sensitive, and it was driving Isa wild with desire. He nodded, choking out a weak "yes" that came out sounding like a pathetic squeak. In fact, he didn't remember the last time he'd heard his voice go that high. He felt like he looked and sounded like a complete train wreck.

"Now," Lea said, his arms coming up to wrap around Isa's neck as he rolled his hips harder against him, "why don’t we get you out of those clothes so we can do a full body exam?” 

Isa laughed as he raised his arms so that Lea could take his shirt off. "You're good at this whole roleplaying thing."

"Yeah, and you're not that great," Lea said with a laugh as he placed a kiss at the corner of his mouth. "You keep breaking character, Isa!"

"Sorry! But, if I recall, you were whining the other day when Aqua and Terra were in here."

"Yeah! And that was different!"

"How is that different?"

"Because...because! It wasn't us."

Isa rolled his eyes, chuckling a little to himself as he kissed Lea again. It felt nice, hearing their laughter melding together inside the tent. For just a moment, they existed in their own little world, kept perfectly safe from all of the horrible things looming over them. There was no light, no darkness. No fighting, no bloodshed. No good or bad. Just the two of them. Maybe it was the fact that he had missed Lea, or maybe he was just completely giddy from all of the warm tendrils of healing magic curling through him, but he couldn't stop laughing and kissing Lea, and that would always make Lea laugh too, the sweetest and most melodious sound he'd ever heard. Things made sense for the time being, like the world was tilting on its axis and putting everything into a new perspective, one where he could see and feel and experience everything so clearly, and --

"Ava," he said, and it occurred to him that maybe it wasn't a great idea to say a woman's name while he had his boyfriend's tongue in his mouth, but for the moment he couldn't be too bothered.

"Who?" Lea asked, pulling away from him. His expression was a little hard to read. Hopefully he wasn't mad.

"Doesn't that name sound familiar to you?" Isa asked. "Like someone who might have been in the castle at some point? Or maybe...maybe someone that Ansem or Braig or Xehanort might have mentioned?"

Lea shrugged, obviously not as interested in the sudden epiphany as Isa was. "Maybe. But I don't see what that has to do with what we're doing now."

"It doesn't, but --" Isa turned, trying to wriggle out from underneath Lea's weight, and grabbed for his phone he had tossed aside earlier. Before he could open the document again, however, Lea grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at him, and pulled him into a slow kiss.

"Isa," he said, almost scolding, "can't we worry about that later? I haven't seen you in days." He smiled. "I just want you right now, okay? I don't care about Xigbar or Vanitas or Xehanort or whoever this Ava person is. I need attention or I'm going to die."

Isa raised an eyebrow, setting his phone down hesitantly. "You're being a little dramatic, aren't you?"

"I don't think I'm being dramatic enough." He leaned forward and pecked him on the lips, his legs tightening around Isa's waist as he started to unbutton his pants. "Are you still okay? Am I hurting you?"

“No, I’ll be fine. I’m not made of glass,” he said with a playful smirk, quoting Lea, and Lea rolled his eyes and kissed him again. 

“Yeah, but you did just almost get your stomach ripped out by Heartless, and my Cure spells aren’t that great...” He trailed off, sighing as he looked around the tent, and then buried his face against Isa’s shoulder, inhaling deeply as his arms tightened around his neck. Clearly he had something on his mind now. 

“What is it?” Isa asked, wrapping his arms snugly around Lea’s waist, drawing him closer into his lap. 

“Nothing. I just really missed you. And I’m not talking about the past four days. I’m talking about all those years when we could have been working together, and instead we just let them tear us apart. There’s so much time to make up for, and...what if they do it again?” 

Isa sighed, brushing some hair away from Lea’s shoulder and kissing across the freckles there. His skin was almost too hot to touch. “We’re on the same side now. I don’t think that’s going to happen.” It hardly sounded like Lea, worrying so much about what the future had in store for them. He usually just took things as they came. 

“Yeah, I thought we were on the same side back then too,” Lea said. He didn’t sound bitter or accusatory, but Isa couldn’t help but hear it that way. It just made it feel even more like he had something to prove to everyone, like they were all secretly thinking that he might could be manipulated against them once again. He’d like to think that that was wrong, that he was stronger and better than that, but he never would have thought he would grow so cold and hateful toward Lea back then either. The problem with him was that in his life, there was no light and darkness, no black and white; there was just this wide expanse of morally gray that he was standing directly in the middle of, and he could probably sway either way. Who was he kidding, trying to fit in so much with the guardians of light, when the only warmth and light he carried within him was given to him by Lea, Roxas, and Xion? Even if he did somehow figure out some valuable information to help them, how could he ever rise to their level? 

“Sorry that I brought you down,” Lea said with a shrug. “I didn’t mean to. I just don’t really get to talk about things a lot. Everyone has so much to worry about already, and --” 

“You’re fine. You know I don’t mind when you talk to me. Let's talk. And think.” 

“About what? Isa, we have time --” 

"You and I are smart when we work together. We can figure things out. Or at least get a lead on something."

Lea nodded, the corner of his mouth turning up into a tiny smile. "Yeah, okay. We are good together."

Isa smiled a little and leaned forward to kiss him. "So start talking."

"That's what I'm best at. Uh...okay. So...Ven has this thing that he carries around with him that kinda looks like a cat, and he calls it a Chirithy, but I've never seen anything like it, and I think it talks, but not really to us. It comes around sometimes, but most of the time it doesn't really acknowledge us at all. It's like it has this weird special bond with Ven, and..." He shrugged, his shoulders slumping forward as he ran a hand over his face. "Never mind. I'm just saying stuff. It's probably just a pet that he found."

"No, no. That's good. We could probably do something with that."

"...okay. Um...I don't have anything. I mean, it's all just a guessing game anyway."

"Yeah, but sometimes you can guess right. Keep going."

"So..." Lea bit down on his lip, thinking hard about their circumstances, and Isa was already formulating ideas as well. Why had the name Ava come to his mind? Why did it sound familiar? He was sure that he had heard Braig say it at some point during their time in the castle. Either that, or maybe he'd seen it written somewhere. It didn't matter. The name was blazing in his brain, and despite how badly he hated to admit it, he couldn't quite stop thinking about Demyx too. They didn't even know where he had come from. Or _when_ he had come from. And come to think of it, they didn't really know much about Luxord, Larxene, or Marluxia either. "I don't know. What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking..." Isa said, looking up to meet Lea's piercing gaze. He almost lost track of his train of thought looking at him. He had no business being that attractive. But no. Not important right now. "I'm thinking we need to pinpoint everyone's whereabouts and find out what they're up to. Ienzo, Emyd, Aeleus, Dilan, Even, Roxas, Xion, you, and I are accounted for. However..."

"You're really cute when you're thinking really hard. Your nose scrunches up and you poke your tongue out a little bit." Lea smiled and closed the distance between them, pressing a sloppy kiss to the corner of Isa's mouth. "But maybe we should save all this to talk about with Aqua and Terra. I’m sure they have some ideas too.” 

“Yes, but it doesn’t hurt to bounce ideas off of each other first.” He tried to remember everything that he knew about the other five Organization members, but in all truth, he hadn’t paid that much attention to them. He’d only looked at what was going on directly on the surface, which was what led to the erasure of Larxene and Marluxia at Castle Oblivion. He hadn’t really looked at all of the other layers upon layers of conflict, too caught up then by someone betraying the Organization. But maybe that had been the plan all along, to distract from something bigger that was coming their way. 

Lea crawled back into his lap and kissed a line down his jaw to his lips as his scarred, callused fingers gently grazed his chest. Isa resisted a little at first, only half of him focused on his boyfriend while the other half was trying to put a complicated puzzle together with half of the pieces missing from the box. 

The box...the black box that they were supposed to be looking for...

“Do we even know where they came from?” he asked as Lea kissed his neck. His lips were soft and warm, and Isa’s mind was starting to grow dull and foggy, but there were too many thoughts in there trying to push their way to the surface. “Or did they just show up one day and Xemnas said --” 

“Isa!” Lea exclaimed, drawing his name out into a low whine. “We have so much time for work later. Can’t we just take a break?” 

He was about to argue that they had had plenty of break time in Twilight Town when they weren’t doing anything but watching television and gorging on ice cream, but who was he kidding? That hadn’t been a long enough time. Not after everything they’d been through. Twelve years of hell, and they’re rewarded with two weeks of peace. 

The worlds could wait ten more minutes. 

“Can you imagine if we had actually been dating in the Organization?” Isa asked, pressing a brief kiss to Lea’s lips as he lowered him onto his back. “I never would have gotten any work done.” 

Lea grinned, one of his hands coming up to brush Isa’s bottom lip. It was hard not to get overwhelmed sometimes by the tenderness of it all. By the love. Lea _loved_ him. And that made him the luckiest person in all of the worlds. 

“That could have been a good thing,” Lea said. “Maybe I should have used the power of seduction more often. You probably would have given us more days off.” 

"Only so I could spend more time with you." He wasn't entirely sure if that was true; he had been a completely different person then. But it sounded good, and Lea didn't argue the point with him. He just smiled sweetly up at him and pulled him into a slow kiss that quickly deepened into something more urgent and desperate. He laughed a little as Lea bit down on his bottom lip, forcing his mouth open enough for his tongue to slide in and drag across his teeth, and grabbed at his shoulder to pull him closer to him. "Did I keep you waiting for too long?"

"You're insufferable," Lea mumbled against his mouth. "I don't know how you tricked me into dating you."

"Me neither." He kissed him once more before moving down to his neck and shoulders, which was apparently right where Lea wanted him. He pressed a kiss right below his jaw and nipped lightly at his skin, and Lea moaned, his legs curling tightly around Isa's waist and urging him forward to thrust against him. It hurt a little, his feet digging into his spine and shooting a shock of pain through his abdomen, but he bit down on Lea's shoulder to help suppress the groan trying to escape from him. He didn't want to stop. But this might be too much...

Everything was too much. The world around them was crumbling, and he knew without a doubt that in this moment, he would let it. He was selfish. Always had been. Always clingy, always selfish, always aggressive, always jealous. And maybe that’s why he couldn’t really be one of the saviors, one of the good guys. The guardians of light. Because maybe he thought too much light was bad. And maybe because he didn’t necessarily think some of these worlds needed saving. If Radiant Garden fell again, then good riddance to them. It would be their own faults.

They really should be doing something; he knew that. He probably should have been saying, "Let's go back to Radiant Garden to investigate" or "Let's go deal with this Heartless problem." Instead, his dumb animal brain short-circuited, and he said, "Take off your pants." 

Lea was only halfway done undressing before something that sounded vaguely like a knock shook the tent, and Isa's gaze shot up to the opening, where he could see the slight silhouette of two figures standing just outside. Let let out an exasperated sigh as he pulled his pants back on and crawled out from underneath Isa, searching the cluttered, messy tent for his shirt. "Hey, we're coming in!" Roxas exclaimed, already pushing the tent flap out of the way. "You guys better have clothes on." 

Isa was just barely able to get himself put together before Roxas barged in, throwing the tent flap aside much more aggressively than necessary, and plopped down right in the middle of the tent, followed by Xion who was carrying some weird creature in her arms like she would hold a baby. It looked mostly like a cat, but its body was very anthropomorphic, which wasn't necessarily weird because there were all kinds of anthropomorphic animals that hung around with the guardians of light, but this one was somehow different. Definitely not just a pet. 

"We've been playing with Ven's Chirithy," Xion said, hugging the creature tightly to her chest. "It's so sweet." 

"Does it talk?" Isa asked, eyeing the creature suspiciously. Its big blue eyes were fixated on Roxas, and its paws swatted the air playfully like any common house cat would. Still, it seemed like it was all just an act, trying to feign innocence. He was starting to think that maybe no one was who they said they were. 

"Not to me," Xion answered, almost as if she wasn't quite sure why that was a question to be asked in the first place. "If we find one, can we keep it?" 

"Uh...maybe we should just stick with a dog when we get back," Isa said. 

"I think we should get a hairless cat." Lea had finally found his shirt and was pulling it back on as he came to join them in their little half circle. 

"Or something weird, like a...pig or a goat or something," Roxas suggested. "I could teach it to skateboard! People would pay good munny to watch a pig skateboard." 

"And then we could buy all of the sea salt ice cream we want!" Xion exclaimed. "And go to the beach and to Disney Town every single weekend for the rest of our lives." 

"That sounds great!" Lea said. "I vote for the pig. Isa?" 

"Hmm? Oh...sure. A pig would be fine." He wasn't one hundred percent in the conversation; he was still too focused on the damn Chirithy sitting so peacefully in Xion's arms. Of course, he knew he'd never seen one before, but it felt a little familiar in a weird way. Maybe because he had read about it somewhere in the castle; he'd done lots of studying and research in the few weeks they'd spent there, and Ansem and Xehanort had left extensive notes lying around all over the place, much of which seemed like they were written in a foreign language because Isa didn't understand any of it, and no one had ever bothered to explain to any of them what was going on. 

"I feel like I've been around something like this before," Roxas said, almost as if his thoughts were wandering in the same direction as Isa's. He poked the Chirithy's belly and frowned. "But I couldn't have, right? I mean...maybe Sora has, and I'm just remembering what he went through. Dream Eaters? Does that sound like anything to you guys?" 

The lightheartedness of their pet discussion was completely gone now, and they were all business again. The tent fell into an uneasy silence as they all sat in thought. Isa was less so interested in the Chirithy than in his fellow Organization members. For some reason, he was finding it hard to believe that Demyx was spending time in Radiant Garden just to be close to Ienzo. Hell, maybe they were together and they were perfectly happy, but he wouldn't have stayed there at first for that, right? He had a home world, somewhere out there. And he couldn't quite believe that _anyone_ could be as fucking stupid as Demyx acted ever since he'd known him. It was all an act. It had to be. And Braig? Maybe that was all an act too. Maybe everything they'd ever experienced was just a huge fucking act, a setup for whatever was coming for them now. 

"How much do we actually know about everyone?" he asked. "I mean _everyone_."

Xion tensed a little, and the Chirithy wriggled out of her arms and sprinted out of the tent, just as fast and ungraceful as a normal house cat would, but it wasn't a normal house cat. Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't a great idea to be talking in front of the thing. "I mean...Aqua and Terra are fine, right? And Ven is too! He's --" 

"--probably fine, but he didn't grow up with Aqua and Terra, did he? They've known each other since they were kids. Where did Ven come from?" 

Roxas frowned, his face paling considerably as he glanced over at Lea, almost expecting him to answer first. But Lea said nothing, and Xion seemed clueless, so Roxas said, in a strained voice, "Xehanort. Xehanort brought him to where Terra and Aqua were." 

"Wait!" Xion exclaimed. "Are we really going to start pointing fingers at our friends now? We can't do that! We've all had our ties with Xehanort. Including you, Isa. So maybe we should trust everyone to tell us the truth and do the right thing." 

Isa swallowed hard and nodded, though he didn't want to admit that she was right. He would have to give it up for now, and he wouldn't dare say anything to them about their good friend Emyd hanging out close to Ansem where all the experiments took place. "Learning sciencey stuff," as he had said. Because they were right. If he was going to start pointing fingers at people that had not done anything as of yet to betray anyone's trust, then they had every right to throw him under the bus the first chance that they got. If anyone here had proven to be against Sora and his friends, then it was Isa. 

He glanced over at Lea but said nothing as he grabbed his phone and closed out of the emails from Ienzo. He wouldn't be reading them anymore. It was all useless anyway. He wasn't helping anyone. His role now was just to sit back and watch Lea and Roxas and Xion succeed and help save all of the dying worlds. 

"Aqua was almost done with dinner," Xion said. "We should go hang out with them. Are you feeling okay?" 

"I've been better," Isa replied, "but I've been worse as well." 

"We've been worried." She reached over and took his hand, giving it a tight, reassuring squeeze. "Ooh, maybe after dinner we can all go swimming!" 

"Sounds awesome!" Roxas exclaimed. "We can play Marco Polo or like, chicken, or something. Lea and I are on a team, obviously. And we'll kick you and Isa's asses." 

"Nuh-uh!" Xion argued. "I'm way tougher than you!" 

"Yeah? Prove it!" 

"I will!" 

And then they were both scrambling to their feet, summoning their Keyblades and not paying attention to anything that they were doing, just barely missing hitting Isa in the head before they were tearing out of the tent like wild animals. Literally tearing out of the tent. They would probably need a new place to sleep tonight. 

He'd actually thought that they were getting somewhere too. He and Lea were really good when they put their heads together and thought, but adding Xion and Roxas to the mix was surprisingly even better. They were all a strong unit. A family. They could probably take down armies if they could all just get on the same page. 

"You look mad," Lea said. "Is it because of the tent? Because I think I can fix that hole --" 

"I'm not mad." 

Lea paused, glancing over his shoulder from where he sat, trying to fit the ripped cloth of the tent back together, and frowned. "Are you sure? Because that's what you say when you're mad and you don't want me to think that you're mad but I know that you're mad and --" 

"I'm not mad. I'm just done with all of this. I'll let you all handle things as you see fit." 

Lea sighed. "So you are mad." 

"No!" He realized he had raised his voice, and he sucked in a breath to try to calm himself down before speaking again. "No, I'm not. I just don't think that my thoughts and opinions about things have any value to whatever the hell you're all trying to do. Obviously Aqua and Terra and Ven known better, so I'm going to let them handle it." 

Lea stared at him for a long moment, his expression unreadable, but Isa could feel the air between them crackling, and he knew that all of the quiet and the tenderness from before was just the calm before the storm. They were going to fight again. And he was fucking sick of it. 

"You're being just a little bit petty," Lea said. "Obviously we care about what you have to say about everything, but that doesn't mean that we can just go around accusing people of things without having any proof --" 

"I'm not saying to go accusing people of anything! All I'm saying is that maybe we should remove ourselves from the situation and take a look at everyone with an unbiased opinion about them so that we can figure out where we stand." 

"Like scientists? In a lab?" Lea asked, raising an eyebrow. His voice had a sharp edge to it, and Isa knew, before he even continued, what direction he was going with this argument. And he was pissed. "I think the last time we took a step back and observed people with an unbiased opinion, a bunch of people died and um, we ended up without hearts! For twelve years!" 

"Do _not_ act like I'm being unreasonable about this. Sometimes I'm right --" 

"But not all the time! And you think you're right all the damn time!" 

Isa glared at him, jaw locked, muscles tensed and ready like there was going to be a physical fight, but he knew that there wouldn't be. Lea was already starting to calm down after having said his piece, and even if they were still mad and they fought all night long, they would never physically harm each other. Not anymore. He sighed, running a hand over his face, and relaxed a little, his shoulders slumping forward. The pain was coming back in his stomach, and very suddenly, he thought he was going to be sick. 

"I'm sorry," he said. "Perhaps I've overstepped, and I just...won't bring it up anymore unless I have reason to." 

Lea nodded, hesitating for just a moment as if he had to think whether or not he was going to accept the apology, then sighed and abandoned the hole in the tent to come kiss Isa instead. "I'm sorry too. Things are really tense right now. I shouldn't have lashed out at you." 

"We're better when we're working together," Isa said, as if he needed to say it anymore because they both knew it was the truth, but he said it anyway. Lea smiled at him, and he couldn't help but smile back as he leaned in and, cupping his face in his hands, drew him into a soft kiss. Thank the gods they didn't fight the way they used to anymore. That would all be too much to handle, especially with his mess of complicated emotions he had now. "Hey," he said, pulling away just enough so that he could talk. Lea still had his eyes closed, breathing gently against him, and he brushed a thumb over his cheek and pressed a ghost of a kiss to his bottom lip. "We should go back to Radiant Garden. Together. We were too much for them back then; we'd be invincible now." 

Lea nodded, chuckling a little. "Yeah. Even would for sure run the other way if he knew we were both coming." 

"Tomorrow? We could look around and see if we find anything." 

"Sure. But let's just let it all go tonight and have fun. You and Xion versus me and Roxas." 

"That's fine. I just hope you're prepared for destruction." 

He smiled, kissing Lea before he could even argue back, and exited the tent, clutching at his side the entire time and trying not to let the pain get to him. They had things to do. A little scratch shouldn't keep him down for that long. 

Everyone else was already seated around a fire and eating by the time Lea and Isa made their way over to them, hand in hand, and took a seat next to Aqua and Terra, who were huddled up underneath a blanket and sharing food with one another. Roxas and Xion sat closest to the flames, roasting marshmallows and completely ignoring the soup that Aqua had made for them, but choosing sweets over an actual meal was nothing new for them. And Ven sat close to them, but keeping just a little bit of distance between them, as if he thought being closer might be an inconvenience to them or something. His Chirithy sat next to him on the ground, its blue eyes wide with curiosity as it kicked its little feet idly and stared into the flames. 

He knew he shouldn't bring anything up again, especially after the fight he and Lea had just had, but he also knew he was right, that there was something that was going on that Ven just wasn't telling the rest of them. Or maybe it was something he didn't even know himself. 

They got all of their pleasantries out of the way, Terra asking him how he was feeling and Aqua telling him that it was good to see him, and Isa was rational and chatted with them like they were old friends, though he was still wary of being around Terra. The whole time though, as he sat there with Lea pressed up against him and messing with the fire like an idiot, he kept thinking of a way that he could bring up their situation again without everyone going nuclear on him. He knew damn well that he and Terra were the odd ones out and he had to choose his words carefully. And observe. Maybe he wasn't exactly the smartest person in the world, but he was at least capable of researching and understanding his findings. And after years and years of being lied to, didn't he have a right to question everyone around him? 

He would let it go for now, just like Lea had asked him to. But he knew that there were a lot of secrets being held in just this little circle alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very sorry that I've been gone for so long, and I'm sorry that this story isn't going all that well anymore. I've had major writer's block here and some health problems I've had to deal with. Plus, I've submitted to a couple of KH fanzines and been rejected, and that's been kind of weighing on my self-esteem, so. Anyway. I hope you guys like this story more than I do. There's only a couple of chapters left, I think.


End file.
